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My Mother passed away on June 24th, 2020, at the age of 61. She left behind her two sons who were decades apart in age. My brother will be 41 this year, and I'm still 19 until September. I moved out of the house last November with my Partner and had 7 months to adjust to a life on my own, but I still wasn't ready when it came to dependency and needing her in my life. My Mom had a lot of health-related issues during my upbringing, with countless hospital trips. Her most recent being an amputation of her foot due to Diabetes, and was only home for a week after before she had a heart attack and seizures. They were able to revive her, but remained comatose until her body started to falter a week and a half later. I visited her the night before her heart attack, and she showed no signs of what was to come. We mostly talked and saw each other through the night, so after her passing I found my grief to be stronger then. She was able to be beside her two sons and my Partner when she passed, and I'm relieved to know she didn't die alone, as she did live alone. She didn't even have her cat living with her, as I was taking care of him while she recovered. Our relationship ended on a high note and I am so thankful for that. I wouldn't know what to do with myself if it were the other way around. Yet still - I find living on without her, taking care of her physically while she took care of me emotionally and mentally, nearly unbearable. I still have yet to figure out life. And during this COVID-19 pandemic, unemployment, and the riots on the news, life could take me anywhere at this point. I had a form of comfort in knowing while being this young, if life beat me down on my own I could always go back to my Mom's. Now if life beat me down I'll be in need of figuring it out on my own, while I believe that will make me stronger, it scares the heck out of me. Moving forward with the majority of my life without my Mom is going to be very uncharted territory for me. While in the back of my mind I knew one day maybe soon she would pass on, I just didn't expect it to be during all of the 2020 madness.
This Friday will mark 5 months since Dad's death. Seems so long & so short at the same time. I've noticed that I fee like I've changed, emotionally, since that day & not necessarily in a good way. I'm more serious, more cynical.We don't entertain as much as we used to-I tell myself that all our friends are really busy too I've lost my spirit, my spunk-the spunk has turned more into bitchiness sometimes. I've lost my light & my creativity-my craft & art supplies are dusty. I don't put up with the junk I used to. Yet, I'm softer-I cry more easily at sweet or simple things. Yes, I'm on a very low dose of an anti depressant because my dr. insists that I'm NOT depressed but still grieving. I can no longer talk about Dad to my friends as most have told me to "get over it. Move on. He's dead what more do you want him to do?" [yes the person I thought was one of my best pals told me this after he promised me that he & his wife would help out whenever they could-nice huh?]. I do exercise & eat right, only have an occasional glass of wine or margarita. BUT I so miss my Dad!! Is this normal-people changing like this? When will I get my spark back? Along with Dad's death I've been dealing with Mom coming back North after spending the winter with my sisters in Texas & her dementia really progressing to the point where we are discussing options for her to move to an assisted living facility. Also dealing with a co-worker [i work in a 2 person non-profit organization] whom I barely tolerate because of her many many professional & personal issues so I"m quietly looking for a new job. Also: my only chld/daughter, who's 20, announced she's getting married next summer. Most nights I just want to crawl into a cave & hide.