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  1. hi. i am a 44 year old woman (single) and no kids. i have been estranged from my 2 sisters and one brother since my father died 3 years ago and i had to hire an attorney against 2 of my siblings. we went to meditation and have not spoken since. my heart broke but i did my best to move forward with my life. my father kidnapped my sisters, my brother and myself from our mother when i was about 7. my mom found us but decided to leave us with our father , who she knew was abusive and had married a horribly abusive woman. my mother has never been able to really acknowledge her lack of reponsisbility as a mother - preferring to just "move forward" which meant for me , that I had to just never really have needs and just kind of accept what she wanted to offer me. she was not abusive, just self centered and very "private." i decided, yet again, after my father died, that my mother wasn't acting in a way that i felt safe around and it was too much for me to keep trying to not have needs and just be a smiling happy daughter..... so i decided to stop talking to her again (a lot of awful things happened with my siblings after my father died and she wasn't supportive of me and that felt like a 2nd abandonment to me). I just got a call from my moms best friend 2 days ago that my mother was diagnosed a year ago with lung cancer (she's been a smoker my whole life), she lives in miami and i live in los angeles. she has been through chemo and is now in hospice at her own apt. she is also now too medicated to talk on the phone or even look at her phone. (I found this out from one of her broken english speaking nurses). no one in my family will accept my phone calls or texts, and when I spoke to my aunt (my mothers sister) she told me that she didn't think it was her job to tell me my mother had cancer and started blaming me for hurting my mother by being estranged. the thing is - now i am not able to talk to my mother, she can't answer her phone, i have no idea how long she has left (doesn't seem like long), and i do not know what to do. i do not know if i am supposed to get on a plane and go see her, or if it's more of a self loving thing to do and the best self care for myself, to start greiving for her here where i have my own support system and friends who love me. for whatever reason my siblings hate me - and refuse to speak to me or give me any information about my mother. they do not return my calls or texts. i just literally found all of this out - my older brother and sister i guess moved to miami (my 2 sisters and my brother all lived in los angeles) 9 months ago to take care of my mother. again no one told me. this is all a lot for me to try to stomach and process. i know my mother did not hate me - and her best friend kept telling me that "your mother planned to tell you herself, but she just got very sick and we didn't see it coming so i am calling you now" - and i am hearing through a mutual friend of one of my sisters that apparently my mother asked my siblings not to tell me she had cancer. I really do not know what the best idea is for me - to go say goodbye to my mom across the country without the support of people who know me, and possibly exposing myself to my extremely toxic siblings and relatives (when they were angry with me after my father died - they told me i was not allowed into my fathers home unless they were there to "watch" me) all the way across the country. It took me 2 years to get my life back to a stable place emotionally after everything i went through with my siblings after my father died. i cannot do it again. anyone with any experience or thoughts around this would be so so so very helpful. thank you all so much.
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