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On February 24th, I went to see a friend in the hospital. She had been admitted due to an issue with her pregnancy. The entire time I felt like I was screaming and trying to escape the hospital. I was having panic attacks just entering into a hospital. When I looked at my friend in her hospital bed, I kept picturing my mom. The entire experience was horrific. My mom spent the last 6 weeks of her life in the hospital with complication after complication. I watched as her body shut down and no one could tell me why. I sat next to her bedside and pleaded with god not to take her yet. Even as she was "getting better", I was unaware of the fact that cancer was eating away at her. I was unaware that the procedures the doctors were putting her through were useless because she had no chance at survival. To say the very least, hospitals scare me now. My boyfriend though was next to me and noticed that something was wrong. He's seen me have panic attacks and still smile and try to leave everyone around me blissfully unaware. He rushed the visit and as soon as I went outside, I took a deep breath, holding back tears. Has anyone else gone through this? I worry I'm always going to fear hospitals. Its only been 3 months since my moms passing, but she was young and it was sudden. She had heart surgery, a stroke, developed gangrene, blood clots and on top of it had stage 4 cancer that no one knew about. I feel like I've lost trust in the hospital system.
So this is my second post here, and you guys are great. it really helps and makes me cry but I need that, as Ive been having a hard time crying. Ive been wanting to but they wouldnt leave my eyes. Anyway, I lost my dad almost 3 wks ago and I cannot let go of the face he made right before he passed. Its faded and doesnt sting as much but it still breaks my heart. I held my dads hand all the way until he passed and I know he knew I was there because he squeezed my hand, he was just so drugged on morphine that he couldnt keep his eyes open. I hadnt ever seen my dad cry about him having cancer, the entire 3.5 years but once he found out he had 6 mos, he cried. And all he said was that he was sad to leave me and didnt want to. He finally told me a week before he passed, how miserable he had been. I never realized how hard it must have been on him and he never ever told me how sick he felt and it breaks my heart. I know he did that for me and he didnt want me to worry. I would go to his house crying and he would comfort me and tell me that it would be okay and that i really shouldnt worry. I finally told him that if he needed to go, he could because he had been through enough and he looked miserable. And a week later, he did. I had to drive from my college town to my hometown the night before and I told my mom to make the hospital do everything they could so he wouldnt go before I got there. She told him to hang on and he did. He was awake and the first thing he said when he saw me was that he loved me. fast forward to his last hour. He had been intubated and i elected to have it removed because he was fighting it. Like I said, I know he knew i was there because i was holding his hand and he squeezed it reassuringly. seconds before his last breath, his face crunched up in pain, into what i think was a crying face. it wasnt his normal "in pain" face but it was anguish. It broke my heart and I really want to know what it was. I want to know that he wasnt in physical pain when he died. I feel that he was sad he was leaving me but he needed to. my bishop explained it like this "you know when you are lost and scared and you see your parent and they 'save' you? and you crying because you are relieved? i think he did that because he saw Christ." that really helped me but its forever burned into my mind and i just want to know that he wasnt in agony before he died