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Found 5 results

  1. I just don't know how to cope with what I'm feeling right now. I've dealt with severe depression before but this is a sadness and guilt like I've never known. At 7:00 last night, my puppy, my best friend, was struck and killed by a car. But I feel like it's entirely my fault. His favorite thing in the world is to go on car rides. My brother and I were going to get something to eat, so I decided to bring him along. He was his happiest self in the car, sticking his face out the window with the biggest grin on his face. I even took a video of him dated just a few minutes before he died, which is attached to this post. Usually when I get out of the car when he's inside, I make sure he's sitting and staying before I open the door. This is the one time I didn't, because he was in the backseat so I thought there was no way he could get out. But I was wrong. He jumped through the crack between my seat and the door, and before I knew it he'd hit the ground running. He'd run off a million times before, so we were sure we would catch him. He was even just out of my arms' reach at one point but I just couldn't snag him. My brother almost had him and ran after him, but my dog tried to escape and ran right into the road. It's this part that really kills me. I didn't see the car hit him, but my brother did. My brother said the car hit my dog in the back and spun him around, and that my dog made eye contact with my brother and the look on his face said "Help me," like he knew he'd made a mistake. And then he just kind of laid down in the road. My brother said that face will haunt him forever. The driver didn't even slow down. My puppy had never been out in traffic before. He didn't know the damage a car could do. My brother stopped another car from hitting him (what is wrong with people, STOP or at least SLOW DOWN), picked him up, and carried him back to me. I was in shock. My puppy was still moving a little bit, kicking his legs, trying to breathe. I called 911 - I didn't know what else to do - and begged them to please please please please send whatever they could right now. They could only send a police officer, and by the time he got there, my puppy was gone. I watched him die. I just kept petting him and telling him what a good dog he was and how much I loved him. I don't know when exactly he died so I hope to God that he heard me and that he died knowing how loved and cared for he was. I closed his mouth. I tried to close his eyes but they wouldn't close. I called my parents and they came and met us. We weren't even home, so we had to wrap his body in a blanket and drive him 20 minutes back to our house. We laid him on our porch swing while my dad and brother dug his grave. I couldn't leave his side. I just held him and stroked his fur and sobbed and kept telling him over and over how much I loved him and, "You're such a good boy." I was numb watching my dad put him in the ground. Then I was completely lost. I didn't want to eat, sleep, watch TV, anything. I'm completely distraught. An hour ago, my brother and I dug back down to his grave and laid his favorite toys, a few treats, and a bunch of Cheez-Its (his favorite human food) down in his grave. We listed a bunch of things we'd miss about him and said a prayer over his grave once we laid the sod back on top. I truly don't know how I'm going to move on from this. Or the memory of this. Or the guilt. This dog helped me through so much. I've had him since I was 10 and I'm 22 now. He helped me through depression, anxiety, suicide attempts, broken hearts, abusive parents, everything. He was so innocent and happy and deserved nothing but goodness. He must have been so scared and in pain, and that's what kills me the most. This little pure beam of sunshine having to know such pain and agony. I need to know that dogs go to heaven, that he's happy and healthy and that I'll see him again and be able to apologize to him and tell him I love him and feel his unconditional love again. Imagining the alternative makes me want to die. My puppy was 12 years old, but he still had all the energy of a puppy so it doesn't really feel like he lived that long. I suppose it's of some comfort that he never had to experience the limits that old age would have put on his bod, but it just hurts so much to imagine all the potential years he had left to live, all the memories we could have made. It's so surreal to think that just a few hours ago he was licking me and I was petting him and he was running around the house and happy riding in the car with the wind through his fur and now he's dead in the ground. The pain is unbearable. Can anyone please give me some advice on how to go through this? Or just give me some peace of mind? Do you believe that dogs go to heaven and that I'll see him again? I can't stop thinking about all the things I could have done differently to prevent his death. I feel like I've sobbed my body weight in tears and I just don't know how I'm going to be able to face tomorrow. IMG_1537.MP4
  2. Hello My Name is Shannon I am new to the forum. I lost my significant other of 6 years only 4 months ago. We shared 4 children together and life is just not the same. I cant figure out why I am numb, frozen and slowing down. Things have gotten very hard, I truly don't want to express how hard. The pain I feel is crazy but I keep striving to be positive and to also find a new identity in this process. Nothing is the same. I started a blog only a week ago called grievingd.com dedicated to him in hopes of finding other women(or anyone) who has lost their partner because I feel very alone in my battle I wanted to express my feelings truthfully and freely amongst individuals in hopes to connect and help heal. I lost Damian to murder so connecting with people who understand that part as well were my hopes. Id like to hear other stories and also have the wisdom of others as well. Hopefully this site can give me this , but I would love for other women to connect and share their stories as well and hear me vent lol...
  3. Forgive me. I'm typing this via iPhone: There will be typos and grammar errors. I'm not really used to things like this. I guess the best place to start is the beginning. My father died in June of 2012. He was 52 years old. We were at a family reunion in Ohio, a camp ground. He was talking to my uncle about his stand up comedy routines, when suddenly he began gasping for air. The doctors say he died of a heart attack and that he pretty much died at the camp ground. He had been so content. It was so sudden. We never got to say goodbye... My life seemed to change drastically after that. My husband of 5 years sexually assaulted me, then cheated on me with our mutal friend, and we ultimately separated. I remember telling my family what he did to me. No one seemed to really care or make sure I was okay. My brothers are actually still "good friends" with my ex and claim he's a good guy despite knowing what he did to me. I don't think I can ever forgive them for that. At family functions I smile and pretend I'm okay and don't feel any negative feelings about their loyalty to my attacker, but inside it's tearing me apart. I find myself wondering what my Dad would have done if he had been here. He'd have kicked his ass. He'd have done something. He'd have supported me... Maybe I deserved what happened. Maybe I changed since my Dad's death and my husband didn't feel the love anymore. Maybe he was needy and I just didn't have the energy anymore. I felt angry after my dad died. I didn't know why "God" took him from me. I was questioning a lot in my life. Somedays, I'm okay. I carry on like everything is fine. Then there are days like this where I feel so empty and alone. Since my divorce, I've found a new man who is very supportive. He knows what happened between my ex and me, and he's very loving and kind. But he never met my Dad. He never experienced loss like I have. I appreciate his support, but he can not fully comprehend how I feel. I hate that my dad is gone. I want to talk to him, to tell him everything that's happened and to hear his wise words of encouragement. I wish my brothers would have supported me and at least threatened to kick my ex's ass. Also, my mom remarried recently and I feel like she's so content in her new life that she forgets about Dad. We always have pumpkin pie at Thanksgiving. It's dad's favorite. But this year, it was left out. Forgotten. Why?! It was never forgotten before! It's stupid things like this that eat at me. I just want my Dad back. I didn't have the best relationship with my dad, but I still want him back. I want to be strong like he was. I want to be confident like him. I don't know why I'm here. I stumbled across this site and decided to sign up and write a post to express my pain. I just wish I could go back in time and change so many things, like all the wasted time I should have spent with my Dad, or ever marrying my ex in the first place. But I can't. I'm left feeling empty. I just want my Dad back.....
  4. It's been a while since I've been on here. It's been 16 months since Dad passed away & on Valentine's day it was the 2 yr mark since my best friend left us all. I have continued to struggle & fight this grief thing including taking a mild anti depressant & now taking more of the anti anxiety pills as I have had even more periods of anxiety. I have had HORRIBLE STRESS with my job, planning my daughter's July wedding, some volunteer activities even. Next week I'm finally going to start the process of seeing a therapist-I've been using my husband's shoulders to cry on long enough & last week I felt I was having a melt down. I know a lot of the depression can be attributed to the winter weather & no sun & horrible temps, etc. BUT Sometimes I feel like I'm stuck missing Dad & Donna. Not a day goes by I don't think of Dad at least especially as the wedding gets closer & we're reminded that my Dad always told my daughter he couldn't wait to dance with her on her special day. I have started wondering if something happened to my spiritual side with these losses. I have forced myself to go to church exactly twice [besides a couple funerals] since Dad's funeral & my heart feels hard or empty when I think of God-is that possible? I so want to be open to all that again but it's like that side is gone. Does that make any sense? I see people's pictures and posts on facebook about loving God & all these great things & I don't feel any of that! I used to I know. Also, can physical belongings tie you to the grief? If so, what happens if you get rid of them. As I type this I'm looking at 2 pictures on my wall that I bought during a road trip with my best friend. Each time I see them some great memories of her come back at the same time that I tear up. My husband & I both want to change the decor in this room & those things wont' look good when we do but I hate to toss them. I don't find them that attractive any more but besides a couple small photos of her & my memories they are the ONLY thing I have of her left. I'm afraid if I give them away I'll have nothing to remind me of her even as I know I get a bit sad sometimes seeing them. I was ok getting rid of a lot of Dad's things because I have so many other things-like my Daughter's smile or even just my Mom to keep memories of him alive. With Donnna I don't - a few photos. Is it ok if I take these pictures down? Will I still have her?
  5. july is never going to be the same for me again. july 1st i had to put my cat to sleep. my grandma was the first person i wanted to call. i always talked to her but this day i couldn't get a hold of her. i found out later on the 4th it was cause she had been in the hospital. 2 days later on july 6 my beautiful grandma passed away. still can't belive it.
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