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This is my first post, very new to this online group thing. Lost my amazing, beautiful, wonderful 41 yr old husband on February 23rd 2015. Wondering if I will ever wake up and not remember how many days it's been. Wondering if I will ever make it through an entire day without crying. Wondering if the new me is someone that my old friends are still going to love. Wondering if I will ever un-see what I saw in the hospital. Wondering why this happened-to us- when all we asked for was to be allowed to love each other in our own little corner of this world. Wondering how I will survive. I know I will, just unsure HOW.
My wonderful friends. I posted this (below) on a certain part of social media. I agonised over it. Why? because certain people in his family can only have access to certain media and they are suffering too. My Husband's brother lost his beloved wife last year to breast cancer and my husband was desperate about it. It is my way of letting them know we are family. I have never been to Iran. My husband wanted to see his country once more before he died. WE had a plan. It was not to be. As from Saturday, I won't be in contact for at least a week because I will be at my Mom's house. There is no internet access. I don't know how I feel. Actually I do. I am bereft. I almost completely alone and I am just the only adult in my little tribe of 2. Mom said 'this house is yours' to Max, and my husband always said 'promise if anything happens to me you WON'T sell your mom's house' ... My husband and my mom adored each other..... So, I will put the key in the door in 2 days and there will be my ghosts. My beloved ghosts,...my father (1st) then my grandmother and then Mom (Can't even go there x 3) and now my beloved husband. The love he gave me kept me breathing throughout. As I write, I weep. Where the heck does this amount of salt from you eyes come from? Does anyone else's eyes have crust? I have never loved so much. I was given unconditional love. He was the one that gave me the world and also KNEW my grief He lost his mom aged (6)Those big strong arms that said 'I am here' and just held me. I will walk into that house and see his coffee cup on the sink, his work clothes on the floor (he left 1 week after us.but of course he took us to the airport (Manchester) and wept when we left him and Max and I, flew back to Belgium because of school) there will be the food still in the freezer. I have lived with this horror once before. Putting the key in the door after Mom. I was grumpy woman I remember 'pushing him off' with unforgivable words like 'she wasn't YOUR mom' or 'You just don't understand' The day of the funeral He 'heard' her loud and clear. Hardly surprising looking back because they were the two purest hearts. My Mother's wake was held in a park. I sat at a table in the the gardens and saw (in the distance) my husband's heartbreak of Mom. He wept and wept and wept. I will never forget it as long as I live. The loss of a parent in adulthood is horrific. The loss of a partner who held your hand throughout ...quite another. Thank you to Baback's Iranian family in Brussels ( for his Moroccan friends too) for those also from every continent ( his family in the US & Canada and throughout Europe ) here is to you all, for keeping Max and I in your hearts. So many of your friends, my Baba(my love) said 'We loved him.' I walk alone now on this earth, for however long, no one knows . But the legacy of love and caring continues. We are, and your friends,the continuation of the magnificent soul you were on earth. I will never 'get over' you, but we always talked about that you and I. There is no getting over your soulmate. There is simply doing what YOU would want. That is seeing our son live and be happy. We will, next week, make the hardest journey I have ever made in my lifetime. To an empty house. Empty of YOU, Mummy Daddy, Nanny. Putting that key in the door.. only you loved enough, my beloved, to fully understand. It is a lonely plough to furrow. Different continents/religions/1 heart always. My Baba I will love you forever. I am doing this for our love and our son.You are mine and I am Yours
My name is Katie and I just lost my husband Bob 04/04/14. This is my story and I desperately need advice. We had been married 19 years and he had many health problems the last 10 years of his life. We sold our home last August because I was not able to take care of it because I worked full-time and my husband stayed at home and wasn't able to help me physically. We moved to a senior community last August and he was in and out of the hospital 4 times until his death. His last stay at Heart Institute was 18 days, where they gave us the dreadful news that they tried everything but he had less than 6 months to live. Hospice needed to come in our apartment that day. I met them and got everything set up and when I returned they had him ready to go home. He couldn't where his shoes because he was so swollen, his belly was distended and he really thought he had 6 months. I had talked to his heart Dr. privately and he had told me if he lasted 7 days, he would be shocked. My sister came to help take him home and we shared about 5 or 6 hours that were pretty memorable with him. He wanted me to go to the store and get his favorite foods because he was on restrictions for 18 days. Before I went, the nurse went over the morphine schedule with us, little did I know, I would get a call that he was coughing up blood. That was the beginning of the dying process for him. When I returned, I was only gone 25 minutes, he couldn't breath! we began giving him morphine to help with his "pain". Set up the oxygen, tried to keep him upright, running my fingers through his hair constantly, trying to calm him. During his suffering, he begged to go to the hospital. I assured him the morphine would peak and he would feel better. It was a long night. He prayed out to God, Father, you said anytime you invoke your name you would come, please help me father! Eventually he went in a deep coma. He was not responding to my voice or commands. My sister and I, about 4 in the morning, were going over the morphine schedule, hoping we weren't giving him too much. And out of no where, in the most clear, joyful words of a boy, he said, "Hi Grandma". I really believe his grandma came to meet him! The next day at 4:45 p.m. he took his last breath. I helped the nurse clean and prepare him. I'm a CNA and work with the elderly, so death in my mind, was not scary to me. I constantly relive those 24 hours, though. Since then, I bought a mobile home near family, I never had time to really grieve. Now I can do nothing but cry. And I have the problem of my son. He is 29. Was diagnosed with ADD in first grade and was medicated but it was always a struggle getting him through school. He did graduate but he quit taking his meds at 18 and he hasn't been working solid for such a long time, I fear he'll never be able to hold a job. He lived with his Dad and us off and on with his dog, so I had to move for fear of getting kicked out of the Senior Community. When Bob was still with me , I told him he had to leave because Bob's health was the priority and we couldn't deal with the stress. He lived in a hotel and continued his horrible lifestyle, smoking spice and dealing. This is where I made my mistake. I was so vulnerable, I told him he could live with me. Its been just horrible. I just realized how long I've been typing. I'm so sorry for burdening everyone with my problems. Please forgive me but I needed to talk to someone because its hard to share with friends and family because I'm so ashamed of him and I don't want them to know. Thank you so much for listening to me!
Thank you for this forum topic; I never heard of anticipatory grief until a counselor on a cancer support phoneline introduced me to the term. This I've hit the wall coping. The responsibilities, grief and frustration I feel is overwhelming. I am powerless and can do nothing but support my husband, brother, family and children as we watch and wait for the progression of disease. The loss I feel already is staggering. I can't begin to think about the future. I am barely able to deal with the now. I am emotionally exhausted and the worst is yet to come. On October 5, 2013 my brother (48 yrs) who lives locally, was diagnosed with Stage 4 testicular cancer. Unusual that it was so advanced, but he was in denial of the symptoms. I was devastated, he is my only sibling, single, career military man and it was obvious from the start that he was going to need support scheduling appts and following drs directions; still trying to downplay the seriousness of his diagnosis. Our parents are both 84 years old and feeble. I got him into Stanford Hospital, he began chemo, and within one week contracted a blood borne infection that almost killed him. ICU for 1.5 months, released from hospital Dec. 3rd with an partially amputated left leg. Spent December working with Stanford to clear up the remaining infection and approve him back into chemo. I remember spending Christmas Eve at Stanford at a plastic surgery appt with him. Meanwhile, I run a small business with my husband which we built around my husband's software design skills and we need to keep that going for necessities like shelter and food for our 16 and 22 year old boys. On December 27, 2013 my mostly healthy husband (52 yrs) had a stroke at 3am. EMT's called, rushed to hospital for CT scan and tests revealed metastasized Stage 4 lung cancer to his brain. Emergency crainiotomy removed an egg sized tumor from his frontal lobe. We've been granted a miracle in that he still has speech, his personality, motor skills... but he is almost childlike emotionally, intellectually no longer able to work. It was made absolutely clear by some well meaning but very misguided doctors in the first few days after surgery that his cancer is terminal. The best one said "if you think he'll be here next Christmas, you're fooling yourself. He has weeks, maybe months and will die by stroke, seizure or in bed in the middle of the night". Gee. Thanks, doc. These last few months have been the most horrible, painful, agonizing of my life. I'm running from husband's chemo and radiation to my brother's appts and surgeries, dealing my 16 year old's painful emotions, my parents fears for their son, my husband's fears for himself and us, his confusion and pain, and juggling business projects to contractors. NOTHING IN MY LIFE HAS PREPARED ME FOR THIS!! Everyone says I'm handling things well and how strong I am. I'm not strong, I'm in survival for my family. They don't see my heart breaking daily for the life that I had with my husband. He used to be my strength and my rock. And now surgery is no longer being considered as part of my brother's treatment plan. My brother is thrilled that there will be no surgery. I am the only family member that understands that we are transitioning to pallative care and there will be no cure for him either. I cannot believe that only 6 months ago, I had a great life. I know that I will never have that life back, ever. I could use any suggestions to have the strength to keep going; sharing my situation out to this community gives me hope.