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Found 6 results

  1. 2 nights ago I killed my poor little kitty. We called her beans because friends of ours found her in a bean field behind their house. We think a guy they saw riding around on a 4 wheeler in the field saw the kids outside and dropped or threw her into the field, so the kids would here her cry, as they did, and bring her home, etc., as they did. Their mom called us because she knows I love kitties and I volunteer at a cat/sometimes dog rescue and there’s a likely chance that I would help. I had her bring her over, regardless of the 6 kittens + mom I was fostering and my 5 cats. She was such a tiny little girl, 4-6wks I thought, crappy way to start a life. My initial thoughts were to foster her. Get her fixed, her initial shots and put her up for adoption. I already have 2 black cats 🐱 but I ended up integrating her with my cats right away, they all just took well and after a few days I just treated her like mine. She was a playful, rambunctiousness little thing. Don’t open an outside door without looking. Or open a tuna treat, lol. Now I wish I’d put her with the other fosters, at least she still be with us. Tue when I got home little beans, I liked to call her beany beans sometimes, lol. Well she was limping and I didn’t know what caused it, but it didn’t seem broken, so I just worked from home wed too keep an eye on them all and make sure she was ok. She payed around all the night before and I wish I could say all day and night wed, but she seemed to be getting better around dinner time cause she was up and about a bit like normal when I fed them. After dinner I was doing chores. I’m ocd’ish so I was going from one thing to another, feeling good because with the depression I’d just recently been able to have initiative to that level, again, now I wish I hadn’t. I saw her go in 😩 she had once before and I took her out ASAP, but I thought it would be a cute pic first. I got on to the next thing and forgot to take the pic and about her. She was so tiny I closed the door and turned it on. I heard a noise like shoes and thought I only had a few shirts in to dewrinkle them, but I still didn’t think of her and blew it off 😭 normally I would not to that. I needed to feed the rescues so I went up and do that and spent a little extra time with them cause I thought they needed it, why did I choose that time/night 😝 I came down and it had been probably 20min and I opened the dryer, grabbed a few shirts and I noticed what I thought was melted chocolate all over it. I even asked my granddaughter who didn’t take chocolate out of their pocket. I went back to get out more and she must have been under those first ones, because that’s when I saw her. My beautiful tiny baby laying in her back with her tongue hanging out and eyes frozen open. I started crying no no no beans no!! I grabbed her and ran outside to get away from the kids and hoping cool night air would cool her down, because she was so hot!! A bigger cat may have not been but she was no more than 4 lbs. she was so hot! I laid her down and cried over her massaging her chest and asking her and god to not let her be dead. I sat ther for at least 10-15min crying and begging. My daughter came out and laid a blanket next to her and I didn’t want to let her go. I knew she wouldn’t be back and it hurt, still hurts so bad. It was my fault, God’s fault because he didn’t stop it. She was just a baby!! I didn’t get it and I still don’t, but I’m not angry at god anymore. We have a very nice pet cemetery and crematorium here, I took her there the next day, but I had to keep her in my freezer till then 😩 my granddaughter who’s 7 was terribly upset, she doesn’t know how she died, took off school and came with me. She spotted the perfect small, skinny standing black rn that fits her perfectly. They called today and she is ready to come home, but I can’t afford to pick her up until fri. I don’t know that I could bare to look at her yet without crying. I can’t spend more than a few minutes in the kitchen still, where it happened. I can’t leave open the doors to the laundry, but mostly I can’t bring myself to run the dryer. I sprayed and cleaned what turned out to be poop that night. I’m hoping that mean it quickly broke her and she lost her bowels before she suffered more. But i read on this site that I should run it with rags towels and dryer sheets first and I can’t do it. I don’t want to hear it running. The first time I do and it’s something heavy that thumps. I think I’ll freak. I keep seeing her little body laying there and then her face in death and it makes me cry, it hurts physically. I killed this little baby that I/we lived. No not on purpose, but if not for my actions she’d still be here. That’s very hard to take. My cats, all who are mostly 1 & 2 years old, are not handling it well either. They’re sleeping or laying about and a few more needing than usual. I have to say as much as everyone says not too, there were 4 little rescues, 12 weeks, upstairs, one of which I was thinking of keeping but I caouldnt keep him and beans. So he’s down her with us now. He’s helped, quite a bit actually. He’s rambunctious, but no black at all, he a beautiful orange tabby. The other cats are ranging from ignoring him, starting to pay attention and starting to get interested. It’s time to move on and I just don’t know how, I just want her back 😢 minor update. I went to church today before I posted this. At the end the pastor called on everyone to pray for a man diagnosed with cancer, but that he knew many others were working things and painful things and called on people to those of us that raised our hands to show we were struggling , hurting. 4 people and the whole church, prayed for us. I cried through it, but I will say by the end of it I felt a calm come over me about this. I still miss her and if I think too much or talk to someone about it/her, I see her kittle face and cry, but I don’t lose it and I’m calmer. I was able to do my laundry tonight. I think I have minor ptsd in that even though I watched my dryer the whole time, I still pulled everything partially out to make sure. Checked where my cats and kitten was, finally started it and stood there to make sure nothing banged. I don’t know how long till this gets better, 2 years ago I reacted the same to losing a kitty to a car, I’m pretty sure she’s was running across to home because she heard me calling her. Fortunately it was quick, broke her neck with little damage this hit me tonight, now my beans, it just hard, painful, but I believe I’ll get through it now, I didn’t feel that way before church. I’m rambling, thanks everyone for your stories, those help also, I’m not the only one 😢
  2. A couple days ago i started taking care of this kitten i named Apollo. He was tge runt of a stray and she wouldn't feed him so i took him in and bottle fed him. When i would go to sleep id put him in his cage but he would cry and cry. So i felt bad and let him out and sleep with me. Last night. I went to bed like usual, and this morning and woke up to find my little baby dead. It was so awful. Ive been crying for hours cuz i rolled over on him. I just took a showerand there us claw marks on my leg, im not sure if they are from last night or him kneading me when i feed him. I feel so awful and cant stop crying that cat was so sweet and already so attached. I dont know what to do. I just buried him in the back yard. Everytime i look at his stuff i cry. I keep thinking about him. I feel terrible.
  3. So I haven't posted in one of these things ever but I feel the need to now. My family and I were fostering these two adorable kittens, nutmeg and clove. We finally let them run around the house yesterday after thinking we had kitten-proofed the house. We couldn't find nutmeg last night after dinner, and started looking everywhere. After 15 minutes of looking, my dad decided to look in the dishwasher, thinking it was a stupid idea. There our precious nutmeg was, laying drowned on the plates. We tried cpr without knowing what to do but it was far too late. My mom blames herself- she did the dishes last night. All I keep thinking is if we just checked the dishwasher sooner. Now her sister, Clove is all alone. We all are so upset. I didn't sleep last night and I have this awful feeling of guilt and nausea. I can't stop thinking about how horrible her death must have been. She was just getting healthier too. She was finally eating, and gaining weight. I don't know how to get over this grief and tell the shelter(we were fostering for them) that we killed nutmeg.
  4. A rose is a rose is a rose. Accidents are accidents are accidents. I understand this all too well, but it doesn't make things any better. As pet owners, we all know that the absolute worst thing that could ever happen is accidentally killing our life companions. The blood on our hands, so to speak, doesn't wipe off easily if at all. Our minds go on a loop of could have, would have and should haves. The days that follow feel so cold with their absence, and knowing their abrupt demise was on your watch makes the atmosphere even colder. They did not deserve such an awful end, we tell ourselves. They really don't. No one does. But, it happens. This is my story. My daughter's nanny found an abandoned kitten a street or two away and brought it back to our doorstep. I jolted out of my nap when my husband told me that there was a kitten outside. She looked around two months old. We took her in and loved her as our own. Morrigan filled a certain space in our lives that made us feel complete. My husband, the dog person, even fell in love with her. Most of all, finally having a cat again made me so happy. That was until one unfortunate Monday morning, almost two months later. I woke up to find Morrigan playfully biting my sleeping husband who was annoyed by the habit, and then moving on to my sleeping toddler's foot. She was in that painful biting phase and we were trying to discipline her. My lack of a morning person made me pick up the kitten and put her in a box. I thought I would leave her there for a very brief moment as I went to drink a glass of cold water and then go back to her immediately. But, when I did, I spaced out and forgot about my poor little kitty. It wasn't until 30-45 minutes later when I went to fill her food bowl did I realize that I left her in the box. I panicked and ran to get her out of the unventilated box only to find out I was too late. Her body was still warm but she hung lifelessly on my hands. I tried administering CPR but my efforts were futile as her brain would have already collapsed by the lack of oxygen. The nanny found me by the bathroom crying and screaming. My husband, who was awakened by my relentless bawling, came to comfort me and was also struck with grief. I held her to my chest the whole time. I'm one of those pet owners who treat their pets as if they were their children. Morrigan was more than a family pet. She was my baby. And, I killed my baby. When I finally gathered myself, I put together her belongings in a pretty shoebox where I also laid her to rest, all swaddled and snug in one of my baby's gauze cloths. We held a small funeral as we burried her by the tree in our secret garden, where I used to take her so she can graze on the vegetation. I moved all of her photos and videos from our phones to a zip folder in my computer. I rearranged the space where her feeding station used to be. I wasn't getting rid of her, but I knew what I had to do to make moving on easier. On our first night without Morrigan, I had a dream about her. It was one of those ethereal-esque dreams you have when someone close to you dies. I woke up with tears of joy. That sense of relief didn't last long. Guilt, as we all know it, is a very powerful affliction. I was back in that cold place again. The tragic scenario played over and over in my head. I tried to go on with my day as usual, but I was dying inside. I didn't want to talk about it, thinking that dwelling upon it might make moving on harder. I feared that in a heated discussion of our grief, I would be blamed for her death, which I knew I deserved but couldn't bear to hear. So, I kept it all inside. But, silence reaches a point where it becomes deafening. I was furious. I have been through a lot (a rich backstory that I won't discuss), but this by far is the worst thing that has ever happened to me... because this time, I brought it on to myself. Everything was just right. I had a beautiful family and she completed the picture. Above everything else, she filled a hole in my heart that I didn't even know was there (or refused to acknowledge). There was something about having a cat that made me whole. After another restless night of tossing and turning, I got up and googled: "I accidentally killed my cat and I feel devastated and I don't know what to do." That's how I got here. Somehow, being able to write it down helped, but I know dark clouds may hover again some time soon. So, I'm taking it one day at a time. To my daughter: I'm sorry that your best-kitty-friend, "Monggan" is not around to play with you anymore. To my husband: I'm sorry. I know how much you loved her and I know you are just as heartbroken. Thank you for being my rock. And, to my sweet, little Morrigan: I could never apologize enough. You were gone too soon, and I'm so sorry it had to happen that way. I will miss having you perch on my shoulder as I do things. I will miss the funny way you look when you're pooping. I will miss how you follow us to the bathroom. I will miss separating the bigger pieces of your dry food from the small fish-shaped pieces and soaking them in water/milk so you can eat them easily. I will miss refilling your water bowl with clean tap water every couple of hours. I will miss fish day. I will miss watching you and my little girl, playing. I will miss giving you nice, warm baths and swaddling you after because you start shivering. I will miss how my husband tells you you look ugly and funny when you're wet from your bath. I will miss brushing your fur with a soft toothbrush. I will miss that one claw nail that was injured (pre-adoption) which took longer to grow than the rest. I will miss how you come running straight towards me when I call you. I will miss your baby kitty smell. I will miss your smooth, round belly. I will miss how you playfully bite my nose/chin and lick it immediately after. I will miss how you cuddle up with my hubby when he's sleeping. I will miss how you beg for food when we're eating, and how we pick you up and put you down when you get too close to the food. I will miss how my hubby falls for your cutie-patootie tactics and give you a sliver of chicken anyway. I will miss waking up and finding you somehow snuggled in between me and my hubby's embrace. I will miss everything about you. Mommy loves you so much. You were family and more. You made us very happy and we miss you dearly. You will always be in our hearts. ?
  5. I am so heartbroken and guilt ridden right now and I don't have anyone to talk to. A little back story, I live in the country and we get feral/dump off cats around here a lot. And me being the huge animal lover that I am will start feeding and taking care of them. We had two mother cats who both had litters this year, so we now have way too many. My plan was to try and good homes for these babies once they were old enough to be weaned. They stay around our back porch. These little guys follow around everywhere I go outside including when I go out to the car. Yesterday I went outside to get something from the car for a minute. I knew these kittens were following me and that they like to try to climb into the car when I had the door open, but I guess I just wasn't thinking. Without checking I shut the car door and felt something that prevented it from shutting. I opened it back up and saw one of the 8 week old kittens had climbed up into the doorframe and then fell out. It was such a horrid scene it wobbled around like something was on its head then I noticed its eyeballs had popped out. I picked it up for a second to see if I could do something and that's when it blood started squirting all over me. I laid it down and it starts convulsing and dies. All I could do was stand there and scream and yell for help. My husband never did get off his ass to go see what was wrong so I had to go back up to the house with blood on me and tell him. I can't get the image out of my head now. I so wish I could go back and redo everything but I can't. I should have looked before I shut the damn car door I knew better. I can't help but think I most be some kind of monster. Even though I wasn't planning on keeping these babies I still was very much attached to them. Their mother ran off when they were only 4 weeks old so I had to hand feed them for a couple of weeks until they they could start eating dry food. I used some of my families grocery money to by them formula so they wouldn't stave. I gave them shelter from the rain and checked up on them frequently throughout the day. I was just petting this sweet boy in my arms just like a minute before. It just happened so fast. I'm really struggling with all of it right now. It was probably the most traumatic thing I've seen yet. And I'm sorry for the graphic description but you can kind of get the idea of what keeps replaying over and over in my head. Will it ever leave my mind? And will I ever stop feeling guilty if I might find myself smiling or laughing? I feel like I don't deserve to be happy.
  6. I recently lost my kitten due to a mistake I made. This happend Sunday morning, and it was recently done when I found him at 8:01 am. I normally sleep with my pets as I've had so many throughout my lifetime so I didn't think anything of it. Well today I wish I wouldn't have slept with him. I woke up at 8:01 to find my kitten dead. I cannot get his face out of my mind and to know its my fault is killing me. My partner went and got all of his siblings hoping to make me feel better but it's just not working. I can't believe I was so stupid or careless. I loved this kitten. He was literally one of the first I've actually bonded with. It's ripping me from inside out and all I can do is cry. I've cried for several hours and all I want to do is scream at myself for being so stupid. In all my years alive I've never made this mistake and I would give my legs to have him in my arms again. I haven't been able to admit to my partner as to why I'm sure it was me who killed little alien. I'm so depressed from this and I want to go back and fix it.
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