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Found 5 results

  1. This has been an entirely unexpected experience. My ex boyfriend from over 10 years ago passed away suddenly. I did not keep in touch. Our break up was hard and one sided by me. I know he married about 2 or 3 years ago and in addition to leaving her, they had a young child, an older child from her he adopted and his wife is due in August. I didn't realize how much I thought of him until every memory is filled with sadness now. We both moved on and I am currently married for almost 3 years. My husband has done his best to be understanding but I feel like I can't talk to him about it. I don't have anyone to talk to that knew him. I did go to and was welcomed by his Mom and we hugged but during the memorial it was like I never existed in his life, which is mostly understandable with having a wife. I feel incredible sadness and anger that he was denied a long life of happiness with his family. He influenced so much of who I am now and so many things in my present life make me think of him. It has been a month since he passed and I totally broke down today because of a broken computer because we took computer classes together in highschool. I feel very alone and my best friend who I had kept in contact with died 10 years ago so no one to talk to. Kinda in contact with his friends but I feel I cannot express this with them and they will not be sympathetic since I broke up with him. I feel like I lost both my best friends from highschool and part of college. My ex and I spent so much time together. It made me happy to know he was happy with his family. Now that is crushed and all these memories, good and bad have come back and I feel like it is not Ok for me to be this sad.
  2. Hi. I'm 24 years old, and I have gone through the biggest tragedy ever to fall on my family. My beloved father passed away unexpectedly of a massive cardiac arrest. He was a healthy man with no history of cardiac problems or any major health related illnesses. He was an exceptional dentist, loving husband, and a beautiful, beautiful, beautiful soul. He passed away on April 7, 2017. I was devastated. I grew up with three younger brothers, and naturally they bonded with each other while I was always an outsider. My father had always sheltered me and he befriended me at a very young age. I learned to depend on him as a friend and as a father, and later on as a mentor as I chose to pursue the same profession as him. Our bond was unique and it was much more than just a father daughter relationship. We were the best of friends, and he would always adjust his role according to what I needed...from being a fashion advisor to an older brother to my best critic...the list goes on. He was the center of my universe. After his death, I tried my best to cope with his sudden departure. I kept telling myself he's now at peace and no longer under the tremendous amounts of stress he was dealing with during the last year of his life. I found peace when I told myself I could have him live through me through our shared passion for life, nature, and dentistry. I aim to be the best dentist I can push myself to be to carry on my father's legacy. I managed to be progressive even after my dad's death. Ten days later, I was on a train to Boston to find a quiet place to work on my college applications, and I managed to write a very moving personal statement. I returned home feeling like I had done something my father would be proud of. My feelings of contentment were short lived. My younger brother wasn't doing well after my dad's death. He became very aggressive and mentally unstable. I had to send him to the hospital out of fear that he may hurt himself or someone around him. After returning from Boston, my brother returned home the next day after a two weeks stay in the behavioral sciences section of the hospital. I was really worried he would be angry with me because I was the reason why he was locked up in a room. He didn't want me visiting him at the hospital during those two weeks. Naturally, I decided not to be home when he returned as to not upset him. He came out looking for me. He was very weak and could barely gather enough strength to walk more than five mins. He was on heavy antipsychotics and was always tired and drowsy. He came to find me on his longboard and gave me the tightest hug and told me how much he loved me. He thanked me for sending him away and told me how it was important and someone had to do it for him. For a second there, during that moment.... time stood still and I almost forgot my father had passed away. Just for a few seconds, I felt like everything was okay and everything will continue to be okay because my brother was there, and I could always fall back for him to catch me. My brother killed himself three days later. No one saw it coming. We all thought he was getting better. He was twenty. It was the 29th of April, just three weeks after my father's death. I was devastated. Beyond heart broken. I was confused and angry. I didn't understand why he left the way he did. I felt guilty. I felt as if I wasn't a great enough sister to him...that I didn't try hard enough to understand him. My brother was a very conflicted young adult. I always tried my best to reach out to him, but he would never want to talk about himself. He was battling his own demons, and he didn't want to share anything about himself with anyone...not even his own parents. Even though I have lost two family members within 20 days, I am still able to function and perform my daily tasks and carry out my responsibilities. I am broken inside. The pain doesn't go. But I try my best to not fall into despair. The reason why I am writing here is because I am just so tired of not being understood by anyone. By being alienated and losing people who I thought were my friends. People have just stopped talking to me or reaching out to me, and they say things like "we don't know what to say". I don't like it when people say that or when people tell me to be strong for my mother and my remaining two younger brothers. I am strong enough as it is to be able to continue living my life and working hard for my dreams. I was in a long distance relationship for three years. We met every six months and spent hours over the phone daily. We were planning to end the distance once I graduated from graduate school. When my dad died, I asked my boyfriend to leave. I wanted to be alone and didn't have the energy in me to share my emotions or anything with anyone else. He refused to leave and told me he would be there for me as my comfort and support. He followed through for two days and then he got lousy. I wouldn't hear from him for two or three days and then he would resurface and talk to me. Sometimes I would have to call him out and ask him why he wasn't paying me any attention. I didn't expect or want long phone calls or Skype sessions. He couldn't visit me because his visa was still pending. I just felt better waking up every morning receiving a loving or encouraging text from him. Was that too much to ask for? He would blame his work or he would tell me he was busy with family. And whenever we did talk, he never really asked me how I felt or what I was going through and if I did express how I truly felt after my dad's death, he would never know what to say. That didn't bother me though because I don't really think there is anything that anyone can say to make me feel any better especially when my loss was so recent and so unexpected. He and I ended up discussing a trip to see him because he couldn't come visit me. I booked my flight to see him three weeks after. While waiting for my flight, I continued to feel that he wasn't really being there for me the way I would have liked him to be. I even told him what I wanted from him, he would do it for a day and then he would get lousy and disappear again. At this point, I had decided that I was going to see him and break up with him in person because I didn't need someone like him during my time of need and vulnerability. (Im a very self sufficient woman and I've learned to depend on myself only and I know exactly how to take care of myself. I left home to study in a foreign country at the age of 18 and that helped me grow in so many ways.). However, my brother passed away a week later and I was beyond shattered. When my boyfriend found out, he came back to being an affectionate and caring boyfriend. He said all the right things and paid attention to me. I forgot about dumping him and liked how he was being caring. He started counting down days and told me he had a surprise trip planned, and that I wouldn't know where we were traveling until I met him. I went along with it. I had a pleasant distraction, something to look forward to just for a short time. I went to see him. The first three days were pleasant. He was a doting and affectionate boyfriend. We did everything a normal couple would do. We were happy. I felt at peace. After three days, I found out the surprise was a six day trip to Portugal. I thought it was very sweet of him. We got to Portugal and the next day, we went to see Lisbon. We were sitting by the water when he chose to tell me that he felt happiest when he was alone and that he didn't want marriage or kids. He told me he no longer saw a future with me because I wanted to eventually get married and have kids. I was so shocked. It made no sense. He was always the one who would talk about kids with me. I would feel uncomfortable because it would make me feel pressured. I wasn't ready for kids or marriage and I told him that. And his reply was that I want it in a few years and he doesn't want either things at all. I honestly don't believe it. I also know he wasn't cheating on me. I feel like he was a coward and he chickened out when my life fell apart and he didn't know what to do. He was afraid of commitment and responsibility. I was the partner who was always the most giving, and when I stopped giving and became vulnerable and it was my time to take, he wasn't ready to give. He was selfish and immature that way. He told me how he thought I was perfect and how he knows no one will ever love him the way I do..but he has big plans on establishing a huge business and retiring by the age of 40 and that for him to make his plans a reality he needs to sacrifice certain things in order to live other dreams. I was really shocked. He told me that he loved me but not the way I loved him. He told me he loved himself too much. He told me that he wanted to continue knowing about me as a very good friend. I booked the first flight out and chose to leave him. He spent the last few hours holding on to me and asking me to keep in touch as a friend...telling me he didn't want to lose me. It wasn't fair to me, and it was confusing that he wanted that. He still texts me asking me how I am doing. I don't reply. All this is pretty recent. It happened just a week ago. On top of all this, a friend who Ive been friends with for ten years told me I was no longer welcomed at her place. I had stayed at her house for three days and one night we were talking about how I was feeling. I have a hard time crying, and don't reallyy cry much. I get frustrated. I ended up getting frustrated and was shouting about how I felt while being frustrated and she took it personally. I'm beyond disappointed and shocked that some people can be so ruthless and cruel even to people like me who have lost so much and it's all so recent. I am trying my best to keep it all together, but inside Im just really disappointed and hurt. I feel so lonely. I know I am better off without these two people in my life, but it still doesn't take away the hurt or disappointment. My ex showed no empathy or emotion as he sat there saying hurtful things, breaking my heart. And as I sat there crying, he listened to music on his phone using his headphones and ignored me. He never had the decency to drop me off at the airport. I had to take a cab on my own at four am in a country where I didn't even speak the language. I know I am better off without him. I will never reply to him or give him any satisfaction. I just don't understand why he won't stop texting me. I don't know why he behaved the way he did. The reason he gave me seems like bullshit to me. I don't buy it, and because I don't believe it, I don't really have closure. I know there's no point asking him because he won't give me any answers. Im just really lost and confused. I feel so alone. My life seems to be chore right now. I have some really pleasant days and then I have days where I don't want to talk to anyone and just want to be miserable. It's only been a month and three weeks since everything happened. Im tired of grieving and being sad. It exhausts me and then I feel guilty because I know both my father and brother wouldn't want to see me be miserable..but I can't help it. I am happy and then I wish I could share my happiness with them and when I realize I cant, I become sad. It's a cycle. I also don't know who is being kind to me because they actually want to be kind and they care or they're just being kind because they cant help but feel sorry for me. Everything just seems really confusing and overwhelming right now. On the outside, if someone were to meet me, they wouldn't know about what Ive been going through. I laugh and smile and make jokes and behave normal. But inside, I just feel this void and it gets bigger everytime someone hurts me. I feel alone and lonely. I feel like no one understands. I lost unconditional love when my father passed away. My father and brother's death destroyed my mother, and no one is really the same anymore. She's being strong just like me. We all seem to behave normally to anyone who meets us. I hate feeling alienated and alone. I wonder if I'll ever find love. I cant believe my boyfriend left me the way he did. He could have left when I told him to and when I was ready to let go. It was more painful that he played with me for three days before he told me what he really wanted. I know I am being redundant. I should stop now. I've been holding it all in for so long. I just dont understand how some people can be so cruel. Will I ever be loved? Will I ever be able to be happy without feeling sad about it later? K.
  3. Hi guys, sorry Ive been MIA. Ive been lacking motivation but I completed grief therapy! So thats good. Im going to be replying to old posts too so bear with me. Lately, Ive been feeling down in the dumps. Kind of like a storm cloud is following me. I no longer feel like a black cloud is over me but its more of a rainy gray cloud. Ive also been feeling disconnected and far away. Especially from my dad. I mean I know its cause hes gone but I feel so far away from him. My mom thinks Im afraid to open up to feel him because Ive watched so many paranormal shows that I freak out lol which is true. But how do I open myself up to him? Sometimes I dream about them but I dont remember them and he's still sick in them. Im not sure if I actually do dream of him or not. I asked to be visited but i dont know if I am. Any advice? I feel like grief therapy took away a lot of the pain. Its chipped some of the pain but I am still having issues.
  4. So friday was the two month mark of my dads passing and I still feel like hes been gone for ten years even though I was joking with him almost 3 months ago and all that I have left is dust. I talk to my mom throughout the day since I am in college 3 hrs away and shes always busy at work but I mentioned it was two months and she didnt say anything so i finally brought it up on the phone and she told me that she didnt know what to tell me. I dont know what I want to hear but I still feel like I am grieving alone. I know its socially hard for my mom to grieve because my parents were divorced but she hung out at the hospital with him while I drove in. My brother hasnt said anything except happy birthday and that was the 18th of october. I still feel like Im in a daze and almost in denial because Im numb. Sometimes itll hit be harder than normal but Im still feeling lost. I pray and I beg to dream about him and I have twice so far because all I want is a hug but I still feel so alone. I used to go crying to him no matter what, whether it was real tears or just whining but I cant now. Im a mama's girl but shes not comforting me like I need her to and I dont know what to do. Im searching for comfort in different ways and in different people and its strange to me and frankly, it freaks me out.
  5. Hi everyone, I lost my husband a little over a month ago after a 6 month battle with oesophageal cancer. He was 58. Just over 7 years ago, our 21 year old daughter died without warning. Just didn't wake up one morning. She was physically disabled and not expected to die young so we were completely taken by surprise. I thought that was the worst thing that could ever happen. But I was wrong. My husband was there with me through that. This time of course, he's gone. We'd been together for 39 years - high school sweethearts. He was my best friend, and we were rarely apart. At times I feel like my heart has been torn in two. I feel like it can't be real. Like I'm waiting to wake up from a nightmare. I have two sons, one of whom lives with me after graduating from university this past Spring. He's busy and working and we do see each other but he's often not around. The other lives about 20 minutes away and has just made me a grandmother 10 days ago. I'm happy about the baby but can't really feel joy. Too many sad feelings overshadowing the joy. I know it'll come. My problem other than the obvious grief and disorientation, is that I'm terribly lonely. My expended family (and my in-laws) are not part of my life, other than my mother and mother-in-law but both are elderly and not in a position to support me emotionally. Quite the opposite. I support them as best I can. I have a lot of friends who are very emotionally supportive. At first they were here all the time, bringing meals, just being here, etc. But they've gone back to their lives, as they well should. They're a phone call away, and I do see them some times but I'm alone most of the time now. I'm finding I'm not able yet to find anything that interests me enough to go join in. I mean groups or classes, etc. I'm busy sorting through my husband's business papers - there's a lot, but being busy isn't helping me feel less lonely. I miss so much having a partner. Having someone to tell how my day went. To call during the day or to text. Having someone to whom I am the most important person. Who loves me unconditionally and wants to be with me all the time. That's how it was with us. I know life has changed and I'm doing my best to change with it. I just miss him so much. I'm often okay and then it hits me like a punch to the stomach. I'm truly grateful he's no longer suffering and that his illness was brief. I would not have wanted him to go through any more of this nightmare than he had to. I believe he's around me and can feel him at times. But I miss his physical presence. His bear hugs. His goofy grin. Conversations with him. Well....you get the idea. I'm happy to be here. I hope this post isn't inappropriate. If so, I apologize and someone please guide me as to what I've done wrong, if anything. I'm just grateful to be with people who 'get it'. Thanks for listening.
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