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Found 8 results

  1. My Mother passed away on June 24th, 2020, at the age of 61. She left behind her two sons who were decades apart in age. My brother will be 41 this year, and I'm still 19 until September. I moved out of the house last November with my Partner and had 7 months to adjust to a life on my own, but I still wasn't ready when it came to dependency and needing her in my life. My Mom had a lot of health-related issues during my upbringing, with countless hospital trips. Her most recent being an amputation of her foot due to Diabetes, and was only home for a week after before she had a heart attack and seizures. They were able to revive her, but remained comatose until her body started to falter a week and a half later. I visited her the night before her heart attack, and she showed no signs of what was to come. We mostly talked and saw each other through the night, so after her passing I found my grief to be stronger then. She was able to be beside her two sons and my Partner when she passed, and I'm relieved to know she didn't die alone, as she did live alone. She didn't even have her cat living with her, as I was taking care of him while she recovered. Our relationship ended on a high note and I am so thankful for that. I wouldn't know what to do with myself if it were the other way around. Yet still - I find living on without her, taking care of her physically while she took care of me emotionally and mentally, nearly unbearable. I still have yet to figure out life. And during this COVID-19 pandemic, unemployment, and the riots on the news, life could take me anywhere at this point. I had a form of comfort in knowing while being this young, if life beat me down on my own I could always go back to my Mom's. Now if life beat me down I'll be in need of figuring it out on my own, while I believe that will make me stronger, it scares the heck out of me. Moving forward with the majority of my life without my Mom is going to be very uncharted territory for me. While in the back of my mind I knew one day maybe soon she would pass on, I just didn't expect it to be during all of the 2020 madness.
  2. I have been reading through this thread & other parts of the internet trying to put my mind at ease with what i can do. My situation at the moment is the following. I had been dating someone for about a year & a half. He always struggled to express emotions as most Men do which i understand. We had a great "Honeymoon Phase" we had fun all the time. Barely fought about anything. I had met him once i had come back to my hometown after being overseas for about 4 years. He introduced me to new people & all his friends whom all accepted me. I was so happy being in a relationship where everything was okay & minimal effort, we made sure to always have fun & be happy. Up until about February this year things started spiraling. His Father was ill & i knew it took a toll on his emotions except he was never one to talk, all his friends always said it's how he has always been & he never even spoke to them about how he was feeling. If there was a fight AT ALL he would always say "it's okay, just know this is how i am and i like to let things go instead of sharing my emotions" he said he loved me because i don't push him to do this. Hi Father passed away in February. Then things started getting even worse, i even had my own problems to deal with but i felt i can deal with them on my own as i did not want to add onto the hectic pressure he was feeling. It would not have been fair as i don't know what it is like to lose a parent. i started getting weird in the sense he stopped giving me the attention he always used to, even before his father died. He used to send me cute messages, post photos, compliment me all of that. Before his dad died when i questioned him about these things he'd simply say " I am not dating the world, i am dating you & you should understand that just because i don't talk all mushy all the time or post photos of us or anything doesn't mean i love you less" I left it there thinking everyone has a different love language. And he already said he doesn't love me any less. I knew that when tough situations arises he was the type to isolate himself. I mad a big mistake the day of his father's memorial. We had a mutual friend there. He said i suppose just out of being nice to her he told her she looked cute that day. I immediately felt insecure cause he barely told me for some time that i am cute or pretty. Hell he used to say those things all the time. I had then told him it hurt my feelings, however i regret even getting upset over something so valid yet trivial. ON THE DAY OF HIS FATHERS MEMORIAL. How could i be so stupid. Things just we weird for some time after that even though i did apologize i don't think it sufficed. Then March came, the 12th was his Birthday (It was a Thursday). That day we weren't chatting a lot on Whats app. I however knew i was gonna see him that night as we got together as a group of friends to celebrate his birthday. Because he was being so sour with me on that day I was actually quite rude. He could see i was upset and i clearly expressed it. He asked me what was wrong & my response was " What's wrong with you?" He answered by saying " If i have to explain to you that i am going through a difficult time then i don't want to" We still got to the place we met his friends & I didn't look at him or speak to him at all. I was upset in front of everyone ON HIS BIRTHDAY which was so so so wrong. We had quite a big fight but went out elsewhere afterwards & it seemed a bit better cause we had a short chat in the car. The next day being a Friday he didn't speak to me AT ALL. I thought we resolved what happened but obviously not. I kept on asking if we can just talk & he just kept on saying he has nothing to say. Later that day i asked him if he still loved me he said "yes". I went to bed next to him with his back turned to me wondering if i should even hold him or not & what should i do because i have really messed this up. The next morning being Saturday we were meeting up with friends to celebrate his birthday further. He had gotten up & i was crying a lot because i felt so guilty about what i did. He saw me crying and asked me "Why are you crying" I told him because i messed up so bad & I don't know how to fix it. He looked at me & said "I have already moved on from what happened & so should you" I thought well okay. Seems like we can just forget that, i did't want to because i am a fixer, i like to fix things knowing it's been spoken about & resolved. But because from the very beginning he always told me he doesn't like being pushed i left it, I went to have a shower & just before I did i said please forgive me and hold me. He just kept saying "I don't want you to keep apologizing, i just want you to also have a good day" I agreed with that & said I also want to have a good day. We went & it was quite a good day. That night we got to bed & he was still so so distant, I sat up and tried to speak & apologize again. I said to him i understand he is going through a tough time but all i ever ask for is just some love & attention like in the beginning. I said if you could just tell me now & again that i actually mean something to you the i would not have reason to act this way. Sunday came we had lunch with his family. Monday came i went home as i had work & so did he (we only saw each other on weekends). I had typed out a message on my phone's notepad i wanted to send to him that night. It was just me saying how happy i am we are able to still stand strong through difficult times & i will work o how i was & how poorly i acted over the past few days. I told him i am sorry & i am glad we can get through it. I wanted to send it to him when he got home after work.Monday nigh he still managed to say things are looking up & it will be okay, he said he loved me that said good night. I ended up not sending the message i typed out on the notepad as he said it's all okay? I though well let me not carry on talking about what happened. He said it's fine so i believe him. Tuesday came we chatted a bit the morning, by the time i got home he messaged me to come outside & broke up with me saying that the recent fight have changed his feelings towards me & that's just how he feels. I didn't beg or plead, I felt emotionless in that moment. The only thing i could say was people fight & things happen when there is pressure & all he could say is he's seen this pattern before & he can't change how i feel i need to accept it etc. I got out of his car & the only thing i could say was "have a good night" The next morning I sent him a message asking him if we could please talk about this more thoroughly. I sent him the message I typed out on the Notepad & said I wanted to send him this but I did't because he said things are fine. He proceeded to say it's how he feels & that's it. I said then I am just asking for chance, he said he's given it to me already. Which i never understood because the fighting was only recent so this would be the first chance I am asking for? I told him to please think about it. He read the message & didn't reply. I left it for another day but my mind was spiraling. I sent a very long message the next day that was honestly so sincere trying to explain to him tat couples fight in tense times & that no real relationship is perfect & no perfect relationship is real. He proceeded to once again say it's how he feels, i need to accept it. He said after the recent events his feelings have changed & he loves me but isn't in love with me anymore. That broke me, yet i kept on trying & trying. He said we didn't talk things through when something happened but HE was always the one that never wanted to talk. Look at just the other day when he said "I have moved on from what happened & so should you". How do you push to talk about feelings if he hates being pushed & he just said that? I understand the messaging didn't help but i just couldn't understand. I told him I am trying my best. His response was "I hope i didn't make a mistake & i hope i don't fu%*ing regret it" He said " I know you are trying but I don't know what to say & i can't give you what you want" I just said to him I will give him space & i said i hope this dark cloud over him disappears & hopefully soon we can just talk about this again. I am trying to understand what to do & what i can do to win him back in the sense is it just him going through a really tough time? Did he really mean all of that?Do you think he said those things because i kept on messaging him? How could he give up if the fights were only so recent? Is the pressure too much because he is grieving? He still hasn't told any of our mutual friends because if he did the girls especially would have messaged me by now, but tomorrow (Saturday ) they are all having a BBQ, which I was invited to & if I don't pitch up & they ask why what will he say? If he tells them does it make it even more real?I am so confused because it was just two fights that happened on unfortunate days I i can't take the past back. I just want to show him I can fix it as I have learnt from it if he can just give me a chance. I did't once throw his faults in his face... I just need some advise if anyone out there can help me find my way back to him. I am sure about it. I am breaking down so much I don't know what to do. I don't want to message our mutual friends begging for help because it would push hi away even more if he found out. Please... help me.
  3. Okay, so my boyfriend and I have been together for 4 months now. but after being together for a little over 1 month, his brother tragically and suddenly passed away. Since then, he has been a totally different person. I have been there for him since the second he got the news, and I haven't left. We had a fight where he spoke to me and treated me in a way where I won't condone in a relationship that has been built on mutual respect and honesty. (this wasn't the first time and he blames the outbursts on his anxiety about his brother) I have been VERY understanding about his outbursts and high level of anxiety due to his brother's passing. But out of anger I broke up with him, he didn't seem to even care. Later on that day I call him to talk and take back what had happened.. but he did some self reflection and realized that he "needs space" because he doesn't want to treat me the way he has been treating me. What I don't understand is why he needs space from only me and why he is only pushing me away and is more involved with being with his friends when I have been nothing but good to him and there for him. He hasn't made me a priority at all since his brother died and I understood he has so much more going on, but why is it okay for him to be with his friends and not me? Why am I the only one that he needs time away from? I'm giving him the space he asked for, but it is really hard for me because he was so contradicting and confusing and refused to really talk about it. I love him and I believe what we have is special and he says the same...but then why the sudden change of heart.
  4. My mother was kind of crap when I was younger. She didn't want to be a mom. Her and my father divorced before I was even 1. They both had their share of problems. My mothers parents took us in initially. I was the first grandchild in the family. It was that way for over a decade. My mom and I were not super close. She would say things like "don't ever have kids, it's the worst thing you could do!' Her mother was my rock. Her parents totally helped us out when I was a child and until I grew to an adult. All of my school clothes, my bedroom decorations which were always fashionable and cool were from her. She drove hours every month to take me to and from my appointment for my braces. She has been such a role model, poised, witty, strong, full of love. Her life has come to an end. Right now she is in Southern California ( I am here in nor cal) my mom and aunt are with her. Her kidneys are failing. She has been getting worse with her dementia for the last few years now. My aunt has taken her on full time. It has been a lot to handle. My nanny is ready to go, she told me almost 6-7 months ago she was. Now that it is time I am feeling super sad I can't take the time to be there. I am sad I can't hold her hand even though she won't even know I am there because of the morphine. They give her anywhere from a day to a week to live. She wakes up sometimes and is confused and upset. This is just a hard time for me. I feel like the figurehead of my family is going to pass. This woman I have idolized will soon be gone and even if I were there with her I could do nothing. It is life, it ends and that is natural. She is 83. I just love and admire her so much. My family is not religious AT ALL. My papa, her hubby, had no memorial or service. This hurt their community a lot. They are pillars of the community and many ppl needed to pay their respects. I worry that my family won't allow a service of any sort for my nanny either. Lots of pain in my heart right now. Just had to let it out somewhere.
  5. I love you all. Thank you from my heart for your love and support . I wish you the best of days and pray that you feel the support, presence and love of those we grieve xx
  6. On our very first date my now boyfriend told me his mom was battling cancer and had been for the past eight years. Now, two years later, she's losing her battle and I'm starting the battle of how to deal with the grief that my boyfriend is going through. I'm looking for a way/advice to help me cope with his grief as he is shutting me out and closing me off. He claims he's fine and that he's prepared for her death, but I know something is wrong. He is throwing himself into work, not eating, doesn't sleep, had no interest in intimacy or touch, and seems to be lost. Last week I confronted him about his recently behavior changes and while he continued to deny that it had anything to do with his mom, he did say that he doesn't know if he wants to continue our relationship, even though he still loves me, doesn't want to break up or for me to move out. At the time, I told him that I was going to stay until he asked me to leave, determined to help him get through whatever hard time he's having right now, hoping to make us an even stronger couple. Now, a week later, I'm struggling to keep that same positive attitude. My love languages are physical touch and quality time and I've been getting neither in the past week. Granted, he's a farmer and it's haying season so even if we weren't in this current situation I might not be seeing him much and I'm trying to remember that. I'm doing my best to give him space and time, while offering positive encouragement about work and life in general. We've had a great relationship these past two years, full of love, laughter and happy memories. We often talked about getting married and what our futures hold. I don't want to give up on that or abandon him in his time of need, but every once in a while I worry that he really doesn't want to be in a relationship with me anymore and just doesn't have the guts to break up with me. Maybe blaming the entire situation on his mom is just my way of denying it? If anyone has any ideas, thoughts or similar stories, please share.
  7. March 16, 2012 was the day my world stopped, the day I had to become an adult and the day where my life took a drastic turn. I vaguely remember the smell of the bleach in the hospital room and the eery silence that filled the room as I gave birth to my deceased daughter. As I look back now, sometimes I find it surreal and above all bewildered that this actually happened to me. Never should a parent have to bury their child, but I was only 20-years-old. I was a child losing a child. Although my pregnancy wasn't planned, that doesn't mean that I still wasn't extremely attached to the idea of becoming a parent. My daughter Parkar didn’t get the chance to grace the world with her presence; she was taken away from me at only a mere 5 months along in the pregnancy. When we were told that she had a severe form of Spina Bifida and wouldn’t live to make it full-term, my life partially ended on that day. Devastation doesn’t even begin to describe the gut-wrenching emotions that swirled in my head and heart. At the time, I was so distraught that I honestly felt like I was dying. To be as sad as I was, I probably needed some sort of medical help for how deep of a depression that I sunk into. We found out on March 9, 2012 that we were having a little girl and on March 16, 2012 found ourselves in the hospital having to let her go. And for several months following, I suffered immensely, to the point where my life became a disoriented mess. One of the main problems was that I was at an awkward age where people didn't know how to treat me or what to say. I wasn't a child but I wasn't really an adult so most people ignored Parkar's death and acted as if it didn't happen. The second problem was that I had completely lost control of myself, my relationship, my friendships and everything in between. Several months down the road, I woke up in the middle of the night and almost had what you could call an epiphany. I didn't want this life of suffering anymore. I knew that I needed to change my life and turn my grief and hurt into something more positive. So the very next day, that is just what I did. I started to enact a plan of attack on how to get my life back on track. And with tiny baby steps I transformed my life. I sincerely believe that my daughter's death happened for me to help other parents. I think Parkar's death happened so I could learn to be a voice for young parents that are stuck in a rut. Now at the age of 23, I have devoted the last couple years of my life to helping people better understand what loss means for people in their 20s and 30s. ​Perhaps the greatest words of wisdom that I can provide, is that despite how horrible your child's death is, you are in fact strong enough to get through it. On days where you don't feel like going on and moving forward, you have the answers within yourself to heal, find love and real happiness again. Parkar's death was the greatest tragedy of my life, but somehow, someway I got through it.
  8. It was about three weeks since Lily’s death and we were in Wanaka, visiting my brother and his partner, leaving my sister back in Auckland. One night while I was there, I woke up after having a dream of Lily. In the dream Lily simply said, “Tell Lou I’m sorry I wasn’t there”. So not thinking much of it, I was prompted to call my sister, Louise. I asked her how she was and she said she was fine, although she said she had been to a funeral the previous day. She had managed to get through the service with dry eyes until the end when someone got up and read the very same poem that she, my sister, had read for Lily at her funeral, three weeks earlier. At this point she lost it and could hold back the tears no longer. Lily had obviously been with her at this funeral, trying to let her know that she was still there with her. Lots of love, Erica The poem read: “Death is nothing at all, I have only slipped away into the next room I am I and you are you, whatever we were to each other That we are still, call me by my old familiar name Speak to me in the easy way you always used Put no difference into your tone Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow Laugh as we always laughed At the little jokes we always enjoyed together Play, smile, think of me, pray for me Let my name be ever the household word that it always was Let it be spoken without effort, without the ghost of a shadow in it Life means all that it ever meant, it is the same as it ever was There is absolute unbroken continuity What is death but a negligible accident? Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight? I am waiting for you for an interval somewhere very near Just around the corner, All is well. Nothing is past; nothing is lost One brief moment and all will be as it was before How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting when we meet again!” by Canon Henry Scott-Holland
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