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Found 21 results

  1. Hello, I'm 25 years old and I lost my mom almost 2 months ago... I find myself unable to cope much less function since it happened so I wondered if anyone has some advice they could share with me... It's my first loss. My mom was my best friend, my mentor and the person I valued most. We shared everything, we had similar tastes, we confided in each other and we were both childlike, enjoying video games and cartoons together. She knew how to find pleasure in the little things in life but was also a big planner for the future. She was a very loving and generous person. We were absolutely inseparable. In september 2019 she told me she had back pains, I thought it was some sort of lumbago, and she agreed. I didn't think much of it because my mom didn't seem in pain, only mildly uncomfortable. As the months went on her ability to walk diminished, she went from walking fine, to sitting most of the time, to unable to get up .We suggested to get a doctor multiple times and she refused in a way I've never seen her, hostile and hardheaded. She yelled at us that all was under control, and she never complained about the pain thus far. My mother was always a calm and quiet person, so yelling was completely out of character. Thus we noticed bit by bit how her personality shifted. Was it depression? Was it the stress, the frustration? Was it the pain? We didn't know Fast forward to 2020, when Covid is rampant. We got her a psychiatrist to come and visit her at home since we suspected she had depression. When the doc arrived (against my mom's wishes) she acted like she normally did, very polite and smiling until she let something slip- that she had a mass on her back we were unaware of. Sure enough the psychiatrist goes to take a look, again despite mom's wishes, and is completely taken aback in horror- my mom had a huge external tumor... Our family was in shock. We were completely frozen. Suddenly the little mannerisms of covering herself up, going to bed really early made sense. Once we knew we dealt with something serious we rushed her to several hospitals numerous times only to be turned down again and again... no surgery... no radiotherapy.... no nothing. Nothing could be done... It was Cancer that had metastasized. Nobody even taught me how to take care of my mom and her tumor but I did it as best as I could with some advice the nurses gave me. It was a traumatizing sight and it was all my responsibility. I changed her bloodied bandages 2 times per day and tried my best not to cry in front of her. I saw my mother get slimmer and slimmer, her once brilliant mind getting duller. I can't imagine how she felt, the pain she was going through... the fear. I felt like an utter failure, I was extremely close to my mother and never even noticed something more was going on. The last few months with her were heartwrenching. She passed away in our home, surrounded by my dad, my brother and myself. She was only 67. Since then I've been reliving the loss every day, blaming myself for all that happened but not once was I angry at her. My mom did what in her mind was right, always... and she paid the ultimate price for trying to spare us pain... in the few times she was able to talk she told us she made a mistake by wanting to do everything alone. I love my mother dearly and I can barely believe I'm living in a world without her. I'm still trying to see if there is a way to wake up from this nightmare. Until the very last breath she took we all hoped for a miracle... we all once had faith in a higher power. Since I lost her I lost that faith and a reason to keep going... life seems so empty and meaningless when I can't share it with the person I love the most. With every sunny day, every pretty flower I see, I miss her even more. She wanted me to be happy but how can I, having seen her succumb to that terrible thing on her back...im still in shock. I dont know how i can keep going. Thank you for having read everything, I know it's long but I'm still reliving the loss over and over again vividly. Words aren't enough to express what my mom meant to us, and the pain we all went through but I tried my best to be factual. How can I keep going when I feel so guilty for not having insisted with her...how can I make sense of my life now... Thank you again for taking the time to read, it means a lot to me.
  2. I went to upload a profile picture here. I had to scroll through all of my photos to find one. Seeing my mom in all of these pictures, where I have so many wonderful memories... it was painful. I don't know why but I have a hard time looking at pictures of her. My coping mechanism has been to accept accept accept. I find myself turning away when I see her on a picture on the wall or anything like that. She was just here a few weeks ago, vibrant and energetic just like in the pictures. What is my life to be without her. It pains me to think about💔
  3. Sunday morning, I lost my very best friend. Heartbroken is an understatement. I died with her. There are so many things I am grateful for and so many things I am tormented about. I feel like I can’t catch my breath. Life feels so incredibly empty all of a sudden. She was such a fun person and so full of life. She loved to cook and she loved to dance. I can’t even put into words how much she means to me. I’ve been down this road already with my father, and never thought I’d have to do it again so soon. To be honest, I don’t really want to be here anymore but I know I have a baby boy who needs me. I will be the best mother to him because I had the best mother to show me how. She was so excited to be a grandmother and it crushes me that she didn’t really get that chance. I am thankful she got to spend a little time with her grandson. My husband and I have made a promise to make sure she is very much a part of his life. This is going to hit us in waves. I’m not ok, and I don’t think I ever truly will be, but I will just have to learn with being not ok. I haven’t had a real good cry since my mother passed a couple days ago. She was my world so I don’t understand it. I assumed every morning I would wake up and not want to get out of bed. It makes me think that it’s just going to hit me all at once when I least expect it. I cried a lot when she was here and I watched her get more and more sick. I cried heavily when she died and when they came to take her body. But now I just can’t get anything out. I feel guilty about it. I wonder if my mind is trying to protect me and block everything out. Maybe it’s because she doesn’t really feel gone to me and hasn’t sunk in... I just don’t know 😔. It is making me anxious because I know it’s going to happen and it’s going to hurt like hell when it does.
  4. My mom has been at home on hospice since Thursday. I’m thankful she is home, like she wanted to be. She can’t really communicate which makes managing her pain worse. I didn’t realize Hospice is more of a glorified pharmacy.... that’s all they’ve done is write prescriptions and pushed for morphine. Everything else has fallen on her husband and I to take care of. At times I find myself thinking she’s just sick, not dying. That I am just nursing her back to health. I feed her water and her medicine and food when she takes it. We move her around in the bed to prevent sores, and change her and bathe her. I can’t cry, it’s stuck in my chest, or maybe it’s because I’m not accepting the reality of the situation. She’s still here, she’s still breathing, she’s still swallowing. I don’t want to let her go. I love her so so so much.
  5. My birthday is tomorrow. 3 weeks since my mom passed away. Mine is the first in our family since it happened. I kind of wish we could just ignore it this year... I am staying in my childhood home. Taking care of my father. He is almost completely blind. It has been nice to be with family and the home I grew up in. Where all of my favorite memories with my mom took place 🤍 I felt okay about it today. I decided to take my daughter to our favorite café here and then bake a cake. A few of our relatives are coming. Most live far away - I am not a very good hostess like my mom was. She was the star everywhere she went - Then my sister said that she was coming. I was extremely excited, because I was not expecting it. She has dealt with her loss in her way. She kind of disappeared after. I respected it and took care of things so that she could take care of herself. Besides my dad is not her dad. Her father died when she was 1 year old. Losing our mom was extremely hard on her. She is the oldest and felt like she wanted to take care of my mom like our mom always took care of us. We have been concerned about my mom's health for a while. Never expected this though. But then she said that she wasn't coming after all. I was extremely disappointed. Kind of angry to be honest. Her husband had invited her somewhere. But I could really use my family close on this difficult day. I don't know. I kind of feel alone. Like I didn't just lose my mom. I lost my brother and sister too. Because without my mom, they have no reason to come here (my brother lives in another country). They both have their own families. I just have my daughter and now the responsibility of my dad. I'm the youngest. They are 12 and 17 years older than me. I am not very emotionally stable and it angers me that people are so inconsiderate. I struggle with anger sometimes. I never show it. I just feel it inside of me. Making me unhappy. This is a difficult day. I keep missing my mom. No one makes better cakes than her. I then get upset with myself that I didn't ask her to teach me how to do it myself. She was always very good at consoling me and giving really wise advice when I had disagreements with family members. She always stayed out of it but offered so much emotional support. I miss you, mommy ❤️ help me on this day. Get me through it ❤️
  6. My Mother passed away on June 24th, 2020, at the age of 61. She left behind her two sons who were decades apart in age. My brother will be 41 this year, and I'm still 19 until September. I moved out of the house last November with my Partner and had 7 months to adjust to a life on my own, but I still wasn't ready when it came to dependency and needing her in my life. My Mom had a lot of health-related issues during my upbringing, with countless hospital trips. Her most recent being an amputation of her foot due to Diabetes, and was only home for a week after before she had a heart attack and seizures. They were able to revive her, but remained comatose until her body started to falter a week and a half later. I visited her the night before her heart attack, and she showed no signs of what was to come. We mostly talked and saw each other through the night, so after her passing I found my grief to be stronger then. She was able to be beside her two sons and my Partner when she passed, and I'm relieved to know she didn't die alone, as she did live alone. She didn't even have her cat living with her, as I was taking care of him while she recovered. Our relationship ended on a high note and I am so thankful for that. I wouldn't know what to do with myself if it were the other way around. Yet still - I find living on without her, taking care of her physically while she took care of me emotionally and mentally, nearly unbearable. I still have yet to figure out life. And during this COVID-19 pandemic, unemployment, and the riots on the news, life could take me anywhere at this point. I had a form of comfort in knowing while being this young, if life beat me down on my own I could always go back to my Mom's. Now if life beat me down I'll be in need of figuring it out on my own, while I believe that will make me stronger, it scares the heck out of me. Moving forward with the majority of my life without my Mom is going to be very uncharted territory for me. While in the back of my mind I knew one day maybe soon she would pass on, I just didn't expect it to be during all of the 2020 madness.
  7. When I was 4 years old I woke to find my greatest nightmare come true. As I walked into the kitchen that day calling her name, completely unaware of the trauma that awaited me, I found her on the kitchen floor. My tiny self did not understand death and I thought she was sleeping. I tried so hard to shake her awake, but to no prevail. So I did what she did for me every night. I ran to my room and got my blanket and pillow and favorite teddy bear. It wasn't until I tried to lift her head and kiss her cheek and the hair fell off her face that I realized my life as I had known it was over. The one permanent, constant thing in my life, the one thing I thought would always be there, was now lifeless. I'm 24 now and that day still haunts me. I have blamed myself for not doing more (even though she was gone long before I had even awoken), I have blamed her for leaving me, I have hated myself and God and every one around me. I have struggle with depression, anxiety and been suicidal. 8 years later my brother was diagnosed with cancer and 8 months after that he passed. I lived through hell and fought at it's very depths to get out. Next month is the anniversary of that dreadful day but I can say now that I have truly healed. No one, NOTHING, can replace my mom. But I have found a love and a happiness I never imagined I would have again. My soul still aches from the sting of her death and I still shed a lot of tears. This anniversary is hitting me harder than I expected. I can't help but think of all the things she has missed. And I wish more than anything that she could see me now. My heart will forever be broken from losing her. But I hope to always live as someone she would be proud of. I'm grateful for the examples of the people in this forum and my heart hurts for those who are hurting too. But I promise you are not alone and I promise that while your loss will never go away, the pain will dull and you may even find yourself smiling again one day - I did. As part of my healing and my gratitude for the strength I have been given to endure, I started an initiative called The Mom Effect. It is a space and community where we can come together to be what each other needs. I am a firm believer that we can heal eachother. That I hold the missing pieces of someone else's heart in my hands as they do mine. No one can replace what you have lost, but so many people understand that kind of hurt and can give to you what you are missing. I have also started a blog about my healing and the things I've learned. I'm not trying to solicit but do hope that my experiences can help someone else who is enduring their own hell in this very moment. passionateponderings.com @themomeffect
  8. My mother passed away yesterday morning, & I'm feeling not only devastated, emotionally drained/shocked, but tremendously guilty. She was an amazing woman who had been sick since before I was born. About two years ago she had a bone marrow transplant, & unfortunately developed Graft vs Host Disease. She fought so hard to get her life back, but GvHD is a very, very ugly disease & won out in the end. My aunt flew my sisters & I out to decide if we should continue the aggressive treatment or put her in hospice. As her medical power of attorney (I'm the oldest & I didn't know I was power of attorney until a week before this as my mother never talked to me about her wishes & her will is lost somewhere in storage) I had the biggest say, but I insisted my sisters voice their opinion because they're her kids too. Ultimately the decision was to send her home to my grandparents where all her things were, with a great hospice. I kept it together until I had to sign the DNR form. It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, but I couldn't not sign it. The GvHD had rendered her blind, her body had stopped digesting food, her kidneys were failing, a stroke caused by a rare bacteria had rendered her paralyzed, barely coherent, & her body was all bloated from steroids & her skin was bruised, cracked, & bleeding in places. Earlier that day when I had my alone time with her & said everything I felt I needed to, she asked me to help her. It killed me to do it, but I signed it. I had to leave the next morning to come home out-of-state to tend to my sick one year old & his dad, & got the call early Saturday morning after having an extremely vivid dream where she told me she loved me (& I truly believe it was her spirit reaching out to me). She was surrounded by my sisters & the love of people who knew her, listening to her favorite music. Not hooked up to machines or in any pain. I keep telling myself she wanted it this way, reminding myself of all the times during the past two days she told one of my sisters (who was in denial & didn't want her to leave the hospital) she wanted to move on, of my own experience of her begging me to help her because she was in so much pain & suffering. That she was trapped in that sick body & she had reached her limit. Despite all of this, I feel so much guilt & it's tearing me apart. I know I didn't kill my mom or anything, but I still feel like she died because of me. Like maybe I should've convinced my family she had a fighting chance. But then I remember that the doctors said she'd be paralyzed, bedridden, & blind her entire life with her mental capacity even possibly worse & that my mother never would've wanted to live a life like that. Sorry this is so long. I miss my mom so much & we lost her so quickly. It just sucks & hurts so very much.
  9. It's been 2 years since I lost my mom to cancer. She was 66 and so full of life. I have no other family here besides my husband and 2 daughters. She was our family. I feel like I was cheated. I write to her in a journal all the time. I listen to her old voicemails, I pretend she walks back into our lives. I haven't accepted her death. I don't have family here or any good friends. I used to do everything with her. Now everything is so lonely. I have amazing times with my husband and 2 kids but I feel like I need more. Before, it used to be her.
  10. A little over a month ago my soulmate was in a fatal car accident. I drive a truck so I had just delivered my load and got a phone call. She was in MI working when someone crossed into her lane hitting her vehicle head on. It was instantaneous for her, which was a blessing. I had to leave my truck and go up there to get her in MI. I had no one to help me or to really understand what I needed. Anyway less than 24 hours had passed and her kids (22 & 21) filed a lawsuit for Wrongful Death, with the guidance of another relative. I found out this like two weeks later, as well as one of those kids filing for Administratrix of the Estate, basically trying to make sure I had no say. Anyway she had a two life insurance policies. Our main life insurance and a secondary for her kids. Oh I raised those kids for 18 years. She and I never got around to getting a will drawn up. We discussed how to make sure things were done. Her kids had a whole separate policy and my kids were to get about $25k each. The rest was for bills and me to put away some, as well as have some to survive off of for a bit. Long story short I gave my kids the $25k each and her kids $15k the oldest had a baby, and the other of her kids $10k. Well one of my kids told the other children I only gave her $200, even though I told her about her banks rules. So this started a shhhh storm. Needless to say I am now the most horrible person on this earth, not welcome in my own home, and told that I deserve nothing but to die. This is starting to weigh heavily on me and I know it's a trial, but it is so hard when I have done nothing but try to support them. I plan on selling the house she and I had, moving and buying one. Anyone been through this and how do you cope, does it ever feel as though the weight is lifting off you? I don't know if the relationship with the kids can ever be saved. I know that I did what was asked and now it seems as though greed has kicked in.
  11. On May 1 it will be one month since my mom passed away. We don't know what happened, I said goodnight to her one night and the next morning she as gone. We just had the services a few days ago, and while it still doesn't feel completely real that she isn't here, it is definitely starting to sink in. I feel like I'm going in and out of shock. One moment, I'm totally fine and the next the world is crashing when I realize Mom isn't here any more. I don't know what to do with myself or how to properly support my dad, brother, and sister. I don't know what to do about the constant fear and anxiety I've been feeling since she died, and I feel like when I reach out to people around me, it makes them uncomfortable. Which as they have never experienced this themselves, I know they don't know what to say or do. And I don't hold that against them, but I still feel so helpless. I don't know what to do next or what my new role is. I don't know how to start working through the nightmares, the fear, anxiety and helplessness.
  12. hi. i am a 44 year old woman (single) and no kids. i have been estranged from my 2 sisters and one brother since my father died 3 years ago and i had to hire an attorney against 2 of my siblings. we went to meditation and have not spoken since. my heart broke but i did my best to move forward with my life. my father kidnapped my sisters, my brother and myself from our mother when i was about 7. my mom found us but decided to leave us with our father , who she knew was abusive and had married a horribly abusive woman. my mother has never been able to really acknowledge her lack of reponsisbility as a mother - preferring to just "move forward" which meant for me , that I had to just never really have needs and just kind of accept what she wanted to offer me. she was not abusive, just self centered and very "private." i decided, yet again, after my father died, that my mother wasn't acting in a way that i felt safe around and it was too much for me to keep trying to not have needs and just be a smiling happy daughter..... so i decided to stop talking to her again (a lot of awful things happened with my siblings after my father died and she wasn't supportive of me and that felt like a 2nd abandonment to me). I just got a call from my moms best friend 2 days ago that my mother was diagnosed a year ago with lung cancer (she's been a smoker my whole life), she lives in miami and i live in los angeles. she has been through chemo and is now in hospice at her own apt. she is also now too medicated to talk on the phone or even look at her phone. (I found this out from one of her broken english speaking nurses). no one in my family will accept my phone calls or texts, and when I spoke to my aunt (my mothers sister) she told me that she didn't think it was her job to tell me my mother had cancer and started blaming me for hurting my mother by being estranged. the thing is - now i am not able to talk to my mother, she can't answer her phone, i have no idea how long she has left (doesn't seem like long), and i do not know what to do. i do not know if i am supposed to get on a plane and go see her, or if it's more of a self loving thing to do and the best self care for myself, to start greiving for her here where i have my own support system and friends who love me. for whatever reason my siblings hate me - and refuse to speak to me or give me any information about my mother. they do not return my calls or texts. i just literally found all of this out - my older brother and sister i guess moved to miami (my 2 sisters and my brother all lived in los angeles) 9 months ago to take care of my mother. again no one told me. this is all a lot for me to try to stomach and process. i know my mother did not hate me - and her best friend kept telling me that "your mother planned to tell you herself, but she just got very sick and we didn't see it coming so i am calling you now" - and i am hearing through a mutual friend of one of my sisters that apparently my mother asked my siblings not to tell me she had cancer. I really do not know what the best idea is for me - to go say goodbye to my mom across the country without the support of people who know me, and possibly exposing myself to my extremely toxic siblings and relatives (when they were angry with me after my father died - they told me i was not allowed into my fathers home unless they were there to "watch" me) all the way across the country. It took me 2 years to get my life back to a stable place emotionally after everything i went through with my siblings after my father died. i cannot do it again. anyone with any experience or thoughts around this would be so so so very helpful. thank you all so much.
  13. My Mother Passed away on July 4th 2016 Let me give you background How close my Mother and I are/were We talked on the phone a few times a day, then I would go over and spend 5 or more hours with Mom, we sent each other cards once a week to cheer each other up and I would buy her flowers once a month ( she could keep flowers going strong looking fresh for 2+ weeks) She is my best friend and purpose for life. I try not to use past tenses. I'm her Son, friend, caregiver and would do anything to keep her happy, motivated and continue going with whatever I could research and buy to keep her as comfortable as possible with health issues. I would buy her nice gifts whether it was a $400 Armani Tinkerbell , sericels , even little stuffed animals ,her whole house was filled with collectibles which made her happy. The only reason I looked forward to Christmas was to see her open the many gifts I got her. She had a difficult life with a bad marriage, my father was verbally abusive to all of us especially Mom and like all women Mom tried to keep the peace and not let me get aggressive with him. When he died in 2000 she was finally free and happy but only a few good years before the health declined. She had emphysema, diabetes, kidney issues, cancer polyps etc. as the years went by things got worse with neuropathy in both hands & feet could no longer drive walking was difficult, in and out of hospitals 24/7 oxygen nebulizer prednisone, she got weaker and weaker, the last ten years she had a very rough health declining issues that made her life very frustrating and painful.I left my job for 2 year to take care of her when she had blood clots, then 3 years later I took off 3 years to take care of her so she could live at home and never go to a nursing home. 2 years ago I had a TIA stroke and I had to move in with Mom for 2 weeks because I was so weak and shaky so, we took care of each other. It was always Me & Mom whether it was Thanksgiving dinner or Christmas even though sister lives close it was Mom and I that stayed Catholic, had same political views, same taste in TV shows and the only time I felt relaxed and comfortable was going over to Mom's house and spending the day with her. I had my time with women in my 20's & 30's but my health declined with anemia, iron IV's diabetes & the TIA so we enjoyed each others company and would confide in each other and talk about the news or whatever was going on. My life was dedicated to Mom , all my time was spent trying to find a way to keep her going. Now I'm conflicted part of my brain doesn't accept she is not there, I'll have panic attacks at times. Going to the store and seeing Halloween things made me sad I would buy her a animated stuffed animal and some fun cards but got a empty gut feeling remembering I can't buy it for her and make her smile. The other part of my brain is more rational and reminds me that she was in so much pain, suffering and her body just wouldn't let her go on anymore. She had such a horrible humiliating and painful passing. It started with weakness and breathing problems. The hospital got her steady after 2 weeks but her bed sores were getting worse and painful. I guess because of the skin age it kept breaking open, she tried to keep busy on her feet even though it was painful. When she got home even though nothing changed her blood sugars went crazy, had a diabetic coma, the paramedics resolved it but then she got C diff. it makes you go all the time you can't control it and when you can't walk very much you have to wait for someone to walk you to the bathroom and help get you cleaned up. I tried my best but then she got dehydrated and incoherent which was heartbreaking to see. Back to the hospital. Horrible waiting for nurses to change you plus was multiplying the bed sores. The hospital pushed her out after 2 weeks so she went to a rehab which I researched and got the best possible but again she had to wait to be changed , I did my best bringing in her favorite food, although she couldn't each very much. The rehab people are polite, helpful did their best but when you keep going over and over it takes everything out of you and was embarrassing, painful and frustrating. I got Mom home but we had to still get her to the bathroom but she was getting weaker and weaker and harder to get her to her feet so we finally had to call hospice. She was frustrated that she couldn't even stand because of weakness. I was fooling myself trying to convince her we just need to get your strength back and Hospice would put her back on regular medical Insurance. Her mind was still sharp. She start having bad dreams and reacting scared to loud noises as Hospice had advised us. I held her hand and tried reassuring Mom. She all of a sudden said something is very wrong, something is happening. I said I Love You, Mom said I Love you so much then she went into a coma. It was a long painful week of watching Mom in the coma, we gave her medication for pain. It was on July 4th my brother and sister were sleeping and she took her last breath in front me. I try to remember the good times but I see the terrible pain and humiliation she had to go through. I don't know what to do with my days I go through boredom, depression, try to distract myself and with the holidays coming up will be a stressful time without her. I guess my poor health keeps me distracted but my Brother and sister seem to have moved on and really don't respond to times when I want to talk about Mom. That's where I'm at
  14. It has been nearly three months since my mother passed away and I miss her terribly. She could be warm, funny, and a great conversationalist but I am filled with guilt as I type this. She could also be so abusive that I carry a diagnosis of complex PTSD. She was hospitalized in the final two months of her life and despite her declining health, she was charming, funny and nurturing to the doctors, nurses, friends, and family members around her. She was none of those things to me. She said horrific things to me. From the start my mother loved me (she told me so) but she deeply disliked me. She was very close to my brother and (later) his wife, and I am working very hard to not let my jealousy hurt my relationship with them. It was no more their fault than it was mine. People still email me and talk about what wonderful things she did for them and how kind she was. They are mourning her too but they knew a different person that I did. So, where do I go from here? I loved my mother very much. I made a conscious decision to forgive her and, when moments of honesty happened and she seemed to show an awareness of how she treated me, I told her so. I told her I loved her and that it didn't matter anymore. I worked very hard in the final 10 years of her life to build a solid relationship with her. What I learned after her death was that we were really no closer than she was to her friends at church. She confided and was open to my sister-in-law and one or two very close friends. OK, I am glad she had a support system, but I feel very hurt. I really don't know how to move forward.
  15. My mother died on November 6th 2015. Every time I think of it, I cannot breath and then go into a sobbing fit. I don't know how to move forward. Some days I feel okay and somewhat normal. Other days are like today. I have so much guilt I don't know what to do. I was planning a vacation for my husband and me. Planning was done in February 2015 for a cruise in November 2015. While planning, I had a gut feeling. I couldn't tell you what it was, just something not right. I bought insurance (which I never do). Around September 2015, my mother decided to see a doctor (even was not big on Western doctors and medicine). She was only going to prove everyone wrong (everyone except for me thought she may have suffered a small stroke as you could no longer understand her when she tried to talk). Test came back negative. No stroke. She and I knew it. She didn't want to go for countless tests as she said she was not a lab rat. The Dr. Said that just the physical looks and speach, she is diagnosing ALS. She fell a couple times within two weeks and two weeks before my trip. I talked to her a couple of times telling her I wanted to cancel. She insisted that we go. My son was going to stay with her to watch her and help and my dad was going to stay at my house to be with my daughter. My son was 21st his girlfriend was leaving the next week so he really wanted to spend time with her. My mom wanted my daughter (17) to stay with her. My dad was at my house taking care of my dogs. When my daughter got up at 6 am to check on grandma, she found my mom had died. My daughter tried to call my dad but he was in the shower and didn't answer. He called back when he was out. The phone lines got crossed and all he could do was listen to 911 instruct my daughter on giving her grandma CPR. I saw my aunts post on face book while in the airport waiting to come home. I feel guilty, horrible, despicable and everything else. I knew in my heart I should have canceled. I should have never put every one in that position. I could have spent more time. I know my daughter is messed up. She turned 18 and moved out. I know the family is a constant reminder for her, so she doesn't talk to us. I know my dad is lonely. My son feels guilty for not being the one home with her and I put everyone in these shoes. I'm the only child of my parents (and put them through he'll when I saw younger. I have only recently been able to start making up for how horribly I treated them). When will I start to be okay? When will the guilt, depression, anxiety and fear of my father being so lonely / passing ease?
  16. I'm just wondering why I can't seem to cry. I've experienced the roughest 6 months of my life. My father whom I lived with died in December from a heart attack, which I witnessed. I still live here, with my step-mother because this is my home. But this past week I got the news that my mother who was suffering from years of anxiety/depression & other sorts of mental illness, killed herself. She initally raised me, but about 8 years ago, something ticked in her head and she was ever the same. All this has happend in such a short span in my young life, I'm only 17. I feel so angry that I've been unable to cry, for both deaths. I think im numb to the feeling of loss. But I know crying is an important part to the grieving process...& The only time I even shed a little tear is when friends and family assure me that I still have them in my life. I was just moving on from my father, & the constant anxiety was starting to go away, & I was begining to enjoy my days...channeling all that stress into physical activities, such as running. Then my mom happened. & I'm back to that initial state of stress/being anxious (which was never an issue till after these deaths) & still wondering why I can't cry. People say its because I "bottle up my feelings" but thats not true, I've had some of the deepest conversations with my step-mother in the past 6 months, it honestly kind of angers me when they say that. Like oh when someone dies, you must cry. But those people have not experienced the amount of loss I havs in the last 6 months. The loved ones around me feel so bad for me, & I see tears in their eyes, but none come from mine. So I ask again why can't I cry? Thanks for reading, 17 yr old, son
  17. My wonderful friends. I posted this (below) on a certain part of social media. I agonised over it. Why? because certain people in his family can only have access to certain media and they are suffering too. My Husband's brother lost his beloved wife last year to breast cancer and my husband was desperate about it. It is my way of letting them know we are family. I have never been to Iran. My husband wanted to see his country once more before he died. WE had a plan. It was not to be. As from Saturday, I won't be in contact for at least a week because I will be at my Mom's house. There is no internet access. I don't know how I feel. Actually I do. I am bereft. I almost completely alone and I am just the only adult in my little tribe of 2. Mom said 'this house is yours' to Max, and my husband always said 'promise if anything happens to me you WON'T sell your mom's house' ... My husband and my mom adored each other..... So, I will put the key in the door in 2 days and there will be my ghosts. My beloved ghosts,...my father (1st) then my grandmother and then Mom (Can't even go there x 3) and now my beloved husband. The love he gave me kept me breathing throughout. As I write, I weep. Where the heck does this amount of salt from you eyes come from? Does anyone else's eyes have crust? I have never loved so much. I was given unconditional love. He was the one that gave me the world and also KNEW my grief He lost his mom aged (6)Those big strong arms that said 'I am here' and just held me. I will walk into that house and see his coffee cup on the sink, his work clothes on the floor (he left 1 week after us.but of course he took us to the airport (Manchester) and wept when we left him and Max and I, flew back to Belgium because of school) there will be the food still in the freezer. I have lived with this horror once before. Putting the key in the door after Mom. I was grumpy woman I remember 'pushing him off' with unforgivable words like 'she wasn't YOUR mom' or 'You just don't understand' The day of the funeral He 'heard' her loud and clear. Hardly surprising looking back because they were the two purest hearts. My Mother's wake was held in a park. I sat at a table in the the gardens and saw (in the distance) my husband's heartbreak of Mom. He wept and wept and wept. I will never forget it as long as I live. The loss of a parent in adulthood is horrific. The loss of a partner who held your hand throughout ...quite another. Thank you to Baback's Iranian family in Brussels ( for his Moroccan friends too) for those also from every continent ( his family in the US & Canada and throughout Europe ) here is to you all, for keeping Max and I in your hearts. So many of your friends, my Baba(my love) said 'We loved him.' I walk alone now on this earth, for however long, no one knows . But the legacy of love and caring continues. We are, and your friends,the continuation of the magnificent soul you were on earth. I will never 'get over' you, but we always talked about that you and I. There is no getting over your soulmate. There is simply doing what YOU would want. That is seeing our son live and be happy. We will, next week, make the hardest journey I have ever made in my lifetime. To an empty house. Empty of YOU, Mummy Daddy, Nanny. Putting that key in the door.. only you loved enough, my beloved, to fully understand. It is a lonely plough to furrow. Different continents/religions/1 heart always. My Baba I will love you forever. I am doing this for our love and our son.You are mine and I am Yours
  18. Hi, My name is Annalee but I go by Lee. On October 14, 2013 my world shattered my Mom Rosie Dozier-Sanford was just 55 years old when she sub-came to sepsis possibly related to her long battle with cancer and valley fever. On that day my world crumbled I lost my best friend, my mentor, my confidant, my hero, but most of all I lost my Mom. I don't know how I am supposed to go on my heart feels as if it cracks a little more with each beat. I am lost and the one person who always found me is gone. I am the oldest of nine and I have tried to be there as much as I can for my siblings, particularly the four that lived with my Mom including my youngest brother who is seventeen. While I took a week off right after her death I have been able to work and "function" a majority of the time since her death. There was a period immediately after her passing that I relied on alcohol and marijuana to get me threw but besides the all most non-existent night out with well meaning friends I have not had a desire for either one, nor really anything else since my birthday in January. I have been seeing a grief counselor since January and while I'm grateful that she pulled me out of the dark destructive pit that I was in I just feel like if the best it gets is instead of the raw burning pain that it was to the chronic throbbing pain that it is now then what's the use. I mean I get up every day and every day I tell myself "it' gonna get better" and "gotta get done what has to get done" but in reality it doesn't get better and I just want to say **** what has to get done! I don't know some days it feels like I'm on the verge of....I don't know, a break through? And then it's right back to wailing and wanting to just burrow in my room until the world stops and f****** realizes that my Mom one of the bet damn people I ever met is gone and is never gonna come back and I just want to scream! I want to shake my siblings who all seem to have moved on and who tell me "at least she's not hurting" and scream in their faces that don't you get it "I DON'T CARE! MY MOM IS GONE!", and I know that might make me a horrible person but I just don't care! I want my Mommy back. I'm sorry if this is rambling but I'm just having a really bad day. My counselor wants me to go to the support group but I haven't been able to and I found this group online in the resources that Hospice of the Valley offers and it just seemed warm and caring and I'm just tired of putting on a front and trying to talk to people who don't get it. Anyway thanks for letting me vent I feel a little better now.
  19. Today is our First Father's Day without Dad. It's been 6 months & 15 days. thought this would be easier to get through today. Almost didn't buy my husband a Father's day card since every time I got near that section at the card store I cried. Finally at Walmart, one of my regular customers from work who knows about Dad saw me struggling at the F.Day card section, went & grabbed a big sheet of poster board & held in front of the Dad cards until I could find one for hubby. Today I woke up thinking "Yay, I can call & talk to Dad today." then a few minutes later "oh crap, no I can't. he's gone & I can't tell him & hear him tease me about making a fuss over him". So I'm avoiding looking at ANY photos of him until later when my hubby's at work & I can cry. I so want to hold his hand again, want to hear his voice, want to feel his hugs, share a beer with him. He was the best example of a man there could be-my husband even resembles alot alot of his same good character. His best gift was thew wonderful & gentle way he treated my Mom-he had her so spoiled. He also taught my sisters & I what to look for & expect from a man/partner; sometimes we didn't listen but in the end we all did. I wish Heaven had a phone to call him & tell him Hey Happy Father's Day. I'll see you soon. xoxo this photo was taken 2 yrs ago at my daughter's high school graduation. 3 days later he survived a massive hemmoraghic stroke. This is the last photo we have of him well.
  20. Dad died Oct. 26 last year. Mom JUST got diagnosed with dementia so we'll be moving her to assisted living at the end of the month & selling her house. This weekend we're having a yard sale to start selling 64 years worth of memories & belongings. We've been slowly bringing things home from there as I we want them. Today one of my sisters called to ask what pieces of Mom's silver do I want? As Mom has so much & it's always been in the hutch or buffet I have no idea plus I was at work studying a new collection of pottery not thinking of silver. But within 1/2 hour it hit me: "This is it. We are slowly dispersing, amongst ourselves, Mom & Dad's life. It's not staying at that house. Mom & Dad will never need it again. Mom will never see it again. There will never again be any of my family there [after the house sale]; Dad will never feed his squirrels, Mom will never swing on the front porch again nor will any of our kids." Will Mom remember all of these memories? How long before she forgets it all? I also started wondering what Dad would think of all this-if he'd be ok with Mom's moving-we found out from papers he'd written that he'd suspected the dementia several years ago but didn't want her diagnosed & treated differently. And it hit once again-9 months later & the pain still comes back.
  21. My daughter got engaged on Valentine's Day. So many mixed emotions: happy for them, anxiety about what a wedding will involve with all the ex'es in the group & finances, sadness about her no longer being my baby but a wife & most of all sadness that Dad won't be here to see it. Allie was his favorite grandchild & he & Mom helped me raise her until I got married & he always promised Allie that he would dance with her at her wedding just like he did with me at mine. Now he won't be there to dance with her. And I'm afraid that with Mom's dementia progressing that she won't remember it or really "be there" mentally for it. The wedding probably won't be taking place for a year but.... Allie did ask me if I thought it would be ok, the first nice weekend, for her & her fiance to go back home & visit the grave to "tell Grandpa the news." You can imagine what my response was [it involves a soaked kleenex]. We do want them to wait until Grandma gets back North to tell her in person-telling her over the phone would really confuse her.
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