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  1. My grandfather has been a stand-in father for my whole life. He took me and my siblings in over a decade ago and he's done nothing but love and support us throughout everything. He's been such a strong, compassionate rock for the whole family and he's slowly withering away from stage IV pancreatic cancer. He beat it once and after months of chemo, a huge operation, and a long grueling recovery it came back. Between the chemo and radiation, he's tired, he can hardly eat, he's pale and in so much pain. I try talking to him and being there for him as much as possible but my brain can't stop wandering to the fact that this is the beginning of the end. The end of the barbecue's, holidays, birthday parties, movie nights, an end to our long talks during the summer by the pool. Every little positive memory between him and I feels like the last one I'll ever have. I still call, text, go over and cook, or do anything I can to be by his side, but knowing the other shoe is gonna drop sooner or later has me on the verge of tears nearly every day. My family and I are all coping the best we can but I feel so distant from everyone. How can I try and stay positive throughout all this? How can I bring us as a family together to be there for him? How can I power through schoolwork and life's responsibilities when all I want to do is cry and sleep? I just feel broken and frustrated at how unfair this all is and how sad it is that I only have so many days left with him. I feel so nostalgic for the times where I never had this giant thunderstorm hanging over my head and could just enjoy spending time with my grandpa.
  2. Good morning. I discovered this site last night, and it seems like a caring group of people. That is what I am looking for right now. My husband, Rick, was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer on March 14, 2014. On April 3, 2014, he left us. I was still trying to wrap my mind around the cancer diagnosis, gearing up for the fight, getting things set up for him, and suddenly, it was over. I am sitting here in my living room surrounded by things that my daughters pulled out for his memorial service. I keep moving them from box to box, trying to decide what to do with each item. I feel like I am drowning in a sea of "things". I feel like I need to clear out a lot of "stuff" in order to feel comfortable again. My daughter cleaned the garage and boxed up things for a garage sale, but the thought of actually getting the sale together gives me an anxiety attack. I went on a clearing frenzy in the kitchen, and now I have boxes in there too. Every few days, I have taken a load of cds, records, books, movies to the used book store, but they seem to reproduce while I am gone. I know it seems like I am focusing on things rather than Rick, but that is all I can do right now. I can't bring him back, but I am trying to save my own life right now.
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