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My mother was kind of crap when I was younger. She didn't want to be a mom. Her and my father divorced before I was even 1. They both had their share of problems. My mothers parents took us in initially. I was the first grandchild in the family. It was that way for over a decade. My mom and I were not super close. She would say things like "don't ever have kids, it's the worst thing you could do!' Her mother was my rock. Her parents totally helped us out when I was a child and until I grew to an adult. All of my school clothes, my bedroom decorations which were always fashionable and cool were from her. She drove hours every month to take me to and from my appointment for my braces. She has been such a role model, poised, witty, strong, full of love. Her life has come to an end. Right now she is in Southern California ( I am here in nor cal) my mom and aunt are with her. Her kidneys are failing. She has been getting worse with her dementia for the last few years now. My aunt has taken her on full time. It has been a lot to handle. My nanny is ready to go, she told me almost 6-7 months ago she was. Now that it is time I am feeling super sad I can't take the time to be there. I am sad I can't hold her hand even though she won't even know I am there because of the morphine. They give her anywhere from a day to a week to live. She wakes up sometimes and is confused and upset. This is just a hard time for me. I feel like the figurehead of my family is going to pass. This woman I have idolized will soon be gone and even if I were there with her I could do nothing. It is life, it ends and that is natural. She is 83. I just love and admire her so much. My family is not religious AT ALL. My papa, her hubby, had no memorial or service. This hurt their community a lot. They are pillars of the community and many ppl needed to pay their respects. I worry that my family won't allow a service of any sort for my nanny either. Lots of pain in my heart right now. Just had to let it out somewhere.