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  1. Hey, this is my first post ever, anywhere, and I am not sure if I am posting in the right place, but thought I might give it a try. I'll give a little bit of an overview with a background so hopefully I am not repetitive. I just recently lost my 25 year old brother to a heroin overdose...I was living in a different state just waiting a few days later to leave back to my hometown. I got a call from my mom on November 5th and my life changed from there. Now let me tell you, my brother has overdosed 5 times before that (but this last time he was 4 months clean prior). He was struggling for YEARS with drugs but I am not too sure how long with heroin. I remember seeing him "jonesing" and the aggressive, manipulative, withdrawing side of him, but never understood why until my parents told me. Ok so fast forward back to this past 5 months. I was in a different state and my brother called me up asking for money, I contemplated on and on as he sounded so desperate and I needed to figure out what his actual motive was, so I called my dad and asked if he was okay. Conclusion included me NOT giving my brother the money he begged me for. We had a falling out and I, regretfully, did not talk to him after that, but I did not block him, in hopes that maybe he WOULD be better one day and reach out to me if he wanted to talk. I guess I waited too long to go home. I can't help but feel like if he knew I was coming home, that he wouldn't have taken that last shot of heroin. I can't help but feel that I didn't show him exactly how much I loved him, but the old him, the sweet kid I remember. The sweet older brother that defended me, held me when i was a baby and just see the love in his eyes being an older brother. Along side him was my oldest brother, they were BEST friends. I miss my brother so much and I wish so badly that things didn't leave off this way... I don't think I have been able to fully grieve due to the fact I am extremely empathetic, so if I am either busy, on the move, or with someone that is happy or peaceful, I generally feel the same...but in the back of my mind I am depressed. The only way i was ONCE able to get my true feelings out was the day after I got home, I got a 6 pack and went to my friends house and broke down. That was the 1 time I feel I actually started truely feeling the effects of this loss. Ever since then I have not drank, so in hand I feel my mind does not let me go to that place where I need to go to start healing. I feel like I am stuck in a loop with my feelings. I mostly feel regret, anger, and sadness all at once but again, my mind won't let me get that out. I don't know what to do and I am truly hoping that I can get some input on this, because I feel like Im not grieving the right way. Please help
  2. My dad past away in May of this year. My grandad called and told me this sad news and told me he got with the city program and eternity funeral home so he can be cremated because the family didn't have money to bury him. Now this is going to be long but I have been dealing with this since May and I have to let this out. He also discussed this with my uncle over the phone while he was at the funeral home making the arrangements. I know i didn't have the money and my uncle didn't either but my thing is my grandad did not make the effort from the start or even bring up the idea to have a proper burial. No one in my family has ever been cremated until now. He didn't consult all of us to see if we had the funds to bury him or if we could raise money. He acted like he had to rush and make a decision on the spot mind you I am the next of kin and he didn't include me on any arrangements or even ask me if i wanted him buried. I didn't even know anything about my rights as next of kin til my uncle told me. But this is how we found out something strange not right was going on with my grandad surrounding my dad's arrangements with the funeral home. When he first told me they had plans to cremate him they would have a viewing of my dad's body and only a few close family members could attend. He said he would have to list me as the sister because its only next of kin and too much of a hassle with paperwork to put me down as the daughter. Immediately I was thinking what? But I am the daughter i didn't know the order really then so I just said ok. So i call my uncle and he's immediately like that doesn't make any sense. My uncle speaks to his wife who has kinda been through this type of thing before with her own family and knows more about the law and says thats not right i am next of kin. She basically educated me more about that and said thats not right to put me down as the sister when I am his daughter. So then they fly down to help me figure out whats going on we find out talking with the funeral home that Im not even on the list to see him. So all this time Im thinking my grandad loves and cares for me but in reality hes doing sneaky mess like this. Now if my dad knew all this mess was going on and I wasn't on there he would've been pissed. He loved me and was always so protective of me. He wasn't always around he didn't get to see me much and he was going through his own personal struggles but whenever there was important milestone in my life always made an effort to be there. Whenever it was my birthday he would call to wish me a happy bday. He always wanted to see me he was there for my highschool graduation. Knowing how protective he was of me he would'nt have allowed my own grandad to do me like this. So the day of the viewing after finding out this the family had all showed up. my uncle didn't even want to look at them. Before all this though we set up a go fund me to help raise money for his funeral/burial thats what we wanted. But then grandad goes and puts up on the go fund me page that its a scam/ a hoax that its not real. My uncle had to go up on there and say its a real go fund me account to raise moneyfor my dad's funeral. I had to advocate and say this is real all I want is a proper funeral for my dad. Sadly we still didn't raise enough money in time because of my grandad putting that on there swayed alot of ppl that would've donated to not because they were sketical. My grandad planted that seed of doubt. Still til this day I dont know why he did this. Ive been dealing with all this and its now August. Since we didn't raise enough we had to turn his body back over to the city for them to cremate him at no charge and we refunded the ppl who donated to the go fund me. Now I explained to the funeral home and I have my family members who were actually there with me as witnesses of what we spoke of and I am rightful heir and that the ashes should go to me I am the legal next of kin even brought my birth certificate they even said they would be going to me. I was expecting the ashes to go to me. But the lady said I would be signing for the city to give permission to cremate him. So I signed and I thought that was that. During the time of waiting I spoke to my uncle and voice my idea of wanting to still bury his ashes in the same cemetery as my grandma his mom. Still have a service or memorial for my dad. Then I get a text from my grandad saying he picked up the ashes give him a moment he's having a hard time he's upset and sad whatever. The whole time im like wait a minute and Im fuming. The ashes were suppose to go to me. I ask him why would he have the ashes and he goes on this rant like he's the one angry talking bout my son's at peace and thats all i care about and that he scattered the ashes on commonwealth. Now I'm even more angry and hurt I was planning to have a proper service thinking I was getting the ashes and he got them anyway I never wanted that to happen that was the worst thing that could happen and it did. I call the funeral home call my uncle and his wife they consoled me. The funeral home said that I signed for him to get the ashes or rights to him. I was like no no no. I did not I was signing for the city to take back his body in order for him to be creamted. They knew I was and they knew I was furious. So they said to make both parties happy they will call him to split the ashes. They call him and he agrees to hand over half the ashes so now Im thinking wait a minute he sent me this text saying he spread the ashes(i still have the text btw) I go up there they hand me ashes saying its my dad. Now im stuck thinking who's lying was he lying.?Why would he tell me that? Thats cruel to just lie about something like that saying u scattered the ashes. The funeral said they got the ashes from him half anyway. I'm just like who's telling the truth. Now i dont even know if these are his ashes. My grandad had basically messed up everything and denied me closure. I just want to heal and set this all to rest. I just want answers from him and I want the truth but he wont give that. I'm still actively trying to get records and the paper that they I signed. To see for myself because that wasn't right We all sat in front of the staff at that funeral home told them my grandad was wrong and they still thought it was okay to release ashes to him.
  3. Jack passed away two years ago as of tomorrow. It was a traumatic day for me as it happened on the way out to a movie, very unexpectedly, and right in my arms. He was my everything! Over the course of the 8 yrs we dated he wrangled my independence from me as he was so old fashioned and insisted on taking care of me. I was, after so many years, completely dependent on him. We were only engaged, and secretly, as his youngest son had not quite accepted us as a couple. The day he passed plays out in my mind. It haunts me. Why didn't we live closer to a hospital? Why did it take so long for the EMT's to get to us? Why was I so panicked that I forgot our street address at first? Did I do the chest compressions hard enough? If I stayed calmer would I have been able to be more rational and maybe help him more? ALL POINTLESS CONCERNS! It all happened and can't be changed and I know I did the best that I possibly could have done. I just miss him so much and wonder if anything would have possibly been able to keep him alive. The funniest goofiest guy in person, but the most engaging cool fun and larger than lifer personality to everyone on the surface! He was huge in stature as well. So the loss of my best friend and other half still has me at a total loss. I have the hole of a giant man in my heart. One I know can not possibly ever be filled. It may eventually be patched, but there was only one man for me. He accepted everything about me, loved me despite my imperfections, worshiped the ground I walked on and made me laugh on a daily basis. Today i broke down after work thinking how proud he would be of all that I have accomplished over these last two years, which made me feel guilt or sadness because I did it without him. I have moved so far in my life from our happiness, and it made me feel sad and ashamed kind of. We were perfect and here I am so different and so changed that I hardly recognize my own life. All positive stuff, but growth made without the man I nested and planned on spending my forever with. It SUCKS feeling this way! I miss my love nugget and his extreme burritos every day! (extreme burrito is being tackled by a giant and held against your will so you can't move your limbs when you are having a bad day. Can't help but smile eventually haha) he was such a loving goof ball who literally worshiped me, and I him. I lived for tricking or scaring or pranking him. We both brought foolishness and happiness to each other daily! I will never fill that void his departure has created! He was my ONE?
  4. To our best boy, our Chappie boy , our best friend forever, 01/7/2002 - 12/20/2015. Our way home, our path to a better life. You gave us the best 13 years we ever had. You were our best boy, we miss you so much, we hurt every second, and we want you back so so bad. We are so sorry you had to go this way. We feel so sorry you had to feel any pain. we cried behind your back so you would not be stressed because we knew how much you didn’t like us to be sad until the end was near we could not hold back our tears and we cried with you in our arms, we felt so bad as you got sick we didn’t want you in anymore pain, you got so sick so fast we tried to take your sickness away by taking you to the doctors and even tried different ones, we finely found a vet that promised us some hope. You did so good after your operation , we thought you was free of the cancer , after your operation you did so well everyone even the surgeon was so shocked you were so perky you were running again walking and eating back to your young self, it was the best week we had for that year. we found your cancer was so ruff we did everything we could to help you dear boy our best friend we cried during your surgery we prayed asking for you to come back to us safe and sound to your home you came and incredibly you were back on your paws you were so good we brought you to your favorite places and we shared a few good days we thought it was gone the horrible tumor was gone for good , the morning we saw that lump come back we took you right back to the vet they did another test and the test was 2 cancers in one we almost died we was so sad so shocked it was coming back again and fast it was two types of cancer in one spot, it was so fast boy I’m so sorry we tried everything to slow it down but it was coming back to take you away, you lost so much weight and would not eat we fed you with a syringe and wet your lips when you were so thirsty we got you the best organic foods that you loved Beef Bison salmon and pork chops , so sorry to take away the carrots and sweets for we were trying to starve the cancer of sugars . we got you everything we could we did all we could to make you cozy and full, we held you in my arms for 3 weeks as the cancer got worse, watching you throw up was heart breaking we know you were so thirsty and it was so hard not to see your thirst go away daddy packed your dressing with Manuka honey and essential oils to try to soften your area so you could poo and fight infection , We soaked you in the tub only to sooth your ulcerated wound, we took you to the doc as much as you hated them they all realy loved you tried their best to Help us , we got you the top supplements to boost your body and fight the cancer toward the end you could not drink your water and hold it down you didn’t want to eat anymore you were so sick boy your poor eyes were starting to sink in, we were your helpers your nurses you parents your companions we helped you as much as we could, Daddy and mommy went above and beyond to make you better but the cancer was too much it spread so fast without us seeing it was already there destroying your insides, when we first noticed something was wrong we took you to the doc a number of times but they said they couldn’t help you anymore . at the end we was so upset we did not sleep for 3 nights as we took turns holding you in our arms and sleeping by your side. when we got up you would cry for your mommy and daddy to come back and we would run back to you boy . For we will remember your first bark when you was only 4 months old and last howl at 13 years, whenever Daddy was away at work mommy was there for you daddy had to work and he would feel your pain when working he would sometimes break down and cry at work. We knew it was very bad when we felt the hunger in your belly but would not eat and could hear you breathing funny in your sleep. We didn’t want to throw in the towel we wanted to fight it more but we couldn’t bear to see you in any more distress and pain. Toward the end your bum was so ulcerated and so painful we couldn’t let you go on any more. We didn’t want to see you go I held the phone in my hands for three nights finding it too hard to make the call. we just couldn’t see you like that anymore after all the years of our going for walks and going for rides to the park going fishing and camping playing ball, you walking with your skunk toy and fox tail, every day daddy came home from work we really di love you greeting me at the door to take my hat , this year we will really miss you pulling the Christmas tree down the trail with Sukie beagle we will have to take your place for we don’t know if she will pull it without you there . We went for a walk and she smells you’re sent and looks all around we think she thinks you ran away and will be back she looks to your bed every night to see if you are back. All the good days we had together. You really were our best of boy. We couldn’t bring you to a place to let you go so we called a nice doctor who come to the house with here bag of things to take the pain away, she insured you would pass with no more pain, daddy held your head to my head like we would do before bed and every morning before we left for work, mommy held your hand and Andrew rest his head on your back we felt your last breath as your drifted to the other side to the end we always said we would be there with you till the very end the end was here end we love you we had to stick to it and we did , it was by far the hardest thing we ever did but we knew we had to be there till the end it’s what we promised you your whole life I’m so sorry the end was now, we always just thought one day you would pass in your sleep and old happy dog we really didn’t want you to suffer from sickness daddy and mommy always love you we have taking your pain away now and put it right into us . My eyes bleed like never before you were our love our past and present you are always with us we will never forget you , my only wish is to see you one day when we pass to play tug and sniff in the woods together, i ask you to make us a place there where you are we will see you again , we hope you found your way we hope you found your friend bun buns were sorry about her to, she was your friend we knew when she passed you missed her dearly we are gathering all your pictures I’m putting them all together so we can see you all the time , suki beagle your companion is still at the fridge barking for food she thinks you are in the woods she goes in the yard and watches the woods for you she is confused for now she misses you and we will take care of her just like you I’m sure she will be there with you soon for she cannot stop eating. we will never forget the day we took you home , you were the most hansom beagle you walked like a show dog you were so tiny with your dome head that bumped the coffee table , we lived in a small apartment that would not take dogs when you learned about your bark we could not hide you there anymore , we would take you in and out hiding you in a back pack till you grew out of that , we finally moved , boy it was you that helped us move on to a new place away from the city , a place so peaceful we enjoyed you every moment , we will miss you till the day come that we can be together again, we will walk together and you will show us your new home . You were and always are my best friend best companion. Our best boy, Buddy Chappie Beagle. You rest easy, You will be greatly missed love always, Mommie, Daddy, Andrew and sukie .
  5. I recently lost my kitten due to a mistake I made. This happend Sunday morning, and it was recently done when I found him at 8:01 am. I normally sleep with my pets as I've had so many throughout my lifetime so I didn't think anything of it. Well today I wish I wouldn't have slept with him. I woke up at 8:01 to find my kitten dead. I cannot get his face out of my mind and to know its my fault is killing me. My partner went and got all of his siblings hoping to make me feel better but it's just not working. I can't believe I was so stupid or careless. I loved this kitten. He was literally one of the first I've actually bonded with. It's ripping me from inside out and all I can do is cry. I've cried for several hours and all I want to do is scream at myself for being so stupid. In all my years alive I've never made this mistake and I would give my legs to have him in my arms again. I haven't been able to admit to my partner as to why I'm sure it was me who killed little alien. I'm so depressed from this and I want to go back and fix it.
  6. Hello, My name is Vicente and last Monday was one month since my beautiful little dog died and I have been feeling terrible.The last two weeks have been very hard since just when I thought I was starting to heal, I had a relapse and I have been feeling sad again since last Sunday. This is what I wrote a few days after he died so that you can get an idea of my situation and how important my little dog was for me. He was my life: My name is Vicente Ernesto Sánchez and I am writing from Mexico because my beautiful seven year old French Poodle died last Friday, Juanuary 9 and I feel terrible and guilty. I really need help since I don't know how I am going to get over this situation. I try to rescue stray dogs to then find them a happy home and I have tried to find a home for a Golden Retriever for 6 months. He has been in a pet care for months and every two days I went with my French Poodle to pick him up and take them for a walk. That Friday, I was outside a Vet with my little French Poodle, The Golden and a little Cocker my brother rescued. Everything was ok and I have them with their own leash. Suddenly, my little dog growled at the Golden and jump over him to attack him. The golden just put his body above my dog and I separated them almost immediately. The problem is that my dog fell unconscious with his tongue outside the muzzle. The Vet tried to save him, gave him a shot, reanimated him and nothing. He died. I feel terrible. Guyton was my best friend, my partner and my life. I feel I could have prevented this from happening and this makes me feel guilty and misserable. My little dog was 7 years old and had lung and heart failure that made him snore, have breathing attacks and get tired easily after running. I don't know if it was a combination of all these problems and if he wasn't going to be able to live for many more years and these problems caused his heart attack. One of his ex Vets told me today that due to his health condition, his life expectancy wasn't very optimistic and that dogs like him life 40 percent less than healthy dogs. In spite of this, I just can't rest and I feel that I took 10 years of his life away from him and that I also took y dad's dog away from him since Guyton was very important to him too and he is very sad. Seeing him like this makes me feel very bad and worsens everything. I feel terrible and I can't belive how everything seemed to have aligned to cause this tragedy. The owner of the Pet care couldn't take the Cocker to get vaccinated and this ius why I took her with us that day. Then, I was about to leave the Vet's office to walk the dogs while the doctor finished bathing a cat, when I decided to come back to grab a t-shirt that I have put on The Golden Retriever for months that says Adopt me because I thought Who knows Maybe a possible adoptant shows up during this little walk. And when I came back this tragedy took place. It's unbelievable and I feel terrible and guilty. I really need some advice and support because this dog was the best thing in my life. I have OCD and my life has been horrible for years and this little dog gave me moments of great happyness. My mental condition makes this tragedy tougher and I don't know what to do. This was just the last straw to complete my misserable life. I wasted my twenties since I stopped going to school regularly at the age of 19 to avoid seeing my friends and having anxiety problems. I got this idea that I couldn't talk about anything and I made it happen, which made my life misserable in the University, which I hated by the way, and in social events. I finished a law degree going to school only on Saturdays, but I didn't like this degree either and I have practically been outside a normal twenty something guy's social life all these years. I had many dreams. I wanted to go to Canada or to a great US city like New York and have a new life with a nice job, friends, a nice appartment and a healthy state of mind. I was very interested in having a life like the one that you could see on Friends, Seinfeld and other 90s sitcoms and movies. It is my favorite decade and I idealise this decade. I spent years regretting I couldn't turn back time to the 90s and not having been born many years earlier to live my 20's in this decade. I always thought I was going to be able to fulfill this dream. I was too trusting and put my plans off several times thinking: I am just 25, I still have a few years before turning 30. The day will come. But my personal and family problems, my disease and indecision made these dreams fade away. My routine these years has been waking up, taking a shower, having breakfast, watching tv, eating, watching tv again, surfing the net, having dinner and going to bed. My little dog changed it a little bit because I took him for a walk every day, but it has been pretty much the same ever since I was 19. I am about to turn 30 and I have no friends, no job, no life. Never had a girlfriend. I have never been able to flirt and have a relationship. It's hard for me to talk to girls and they just seem to find me unattractive, boring and disgusting. I feel they find being next to me or touch me gross and unpleasant. My dog was the creature that cared the most about me and loved me with all my problems unconditionally. He was my best and only friend. He was my life and the one that brightened my life. I feel lonely and I am alone despite I live with my brother and my mom. I just miss walking him, seeing him on my bed, knowing he is behind my bathroom door waiting for me to get out and take him for a walk, seeing how happy he got when he saw his necklace, hear his little bell and saw his leash. I miss him in my car because he went almost everywhere with me. He was my best friend and my life partner. And the fact of knowing these things won't happen anymore and that the life plans I had with him are death is horrible. He was going to be my only companion and now I don't know what is going to happen with my life. I go over the tragical event over and over again and it's overwhelming and makes me feel misserable many times. This dog was extremely special for me me because my parents separated last May and the previous years there were many fights in my house and this little dog gave us great moments of joy, hope and he even brought the family together and even delayed my parents' separation. My little Guyton reached this level of importance and power. The situation became unbearable and my parents finally split up. I was very worried for him because he was extremely attached to my dad and the fact of seeing him waiting for my dad to get home on the stairs looking at the living room window and knowing my dad was no longer come back home made me feel terrible. The first days were very tough, but fortunately my dad and I managed a way to make Guyton spend time with him and we developed a routine centered around him. Every day My dad and I met between 7 and 9pm whether in a department store, a cafe or my uncle's house to give Guyton to him so that he could spend time with my dad and continue sleeping with him just how he used to do it when my dad still lived with us, and then, my dad gave Guyton back to me in the morning and he spent the whole day with me. This is also something that I am having trouble realizing it's not part of my routine anymore and makes this tragedy harder to deal with. Everyday I got back home with Guyton in the morning and he jumped to my bed and usually kissed me. Then, I took a swower and he either waited for me outside the bathroom or on my bed. We had several customs like these and it's terrible to know this doesn't happen anymore and have to readjust my life. I took him for a walk in the morning and in the afternoon every day. He waited for me on my bed or outside my bathroom with a lot of excitement for knowing it was his walk time. Sometimes he followed me with his eyes or everywhere to let me know he wanted to go out and he was looking forward to it. He got very happy. He cried, yelled, kissed me, sneezed and jumped over me when I showed him his necklace, he heard the little bell I put on it and when he saw his leash. I don't know what I am going to do. I hate today's world. I find it so gray, lame, superficiel, plastic, so full of technological devices I don't like and make it even more shallow and with less personality and attractive. I hate today's era. I don't fit in and I am not looking forward to the next years. Music sucks, movies suck, new generations make me feel hopeless and it's just horrible. Going abroad is no longer interesting and attractive to me because I lost the best years when I should have done it, which were between 2004 and 2012 when I was younger and still had dreams and a lot of nostalgia for the 90s. which was a great impulse to live in The US, Canada or The UK. These ambitions are gone. I don't feel like studying a Masters, looking for a great job or discovering new things anymore. I wasted my 20s in a terrible depressing way. The years that for most people are the best in life. The years where you go to college, have great experiences, have fun, relationships, when you explore and discover things, when you grow up, start working as a young adult. The years where many people live life at its fullest, go out, find their independence, their path and the girl of their dreams. I didn't have any of these things and you have no idea how sad, depressing and impotent it is to realize you will never be able to turn back time and that these years are gone for good. Now I am under medication, fluvoxamine, which makes these feelings be like asleep. It's like being sedated. I still feel them and I still know they are deep inside of me, but I am druggy enough to forget a little bit about them, something I am not comfortable with because the medicine is not curing me and will never do it, it just confuses you a little bit and you don't feel good, complete and satisfied. When I stop taking them, I usually start getting my nostalgia and regrets back fast, something that belive it or not, makes me feel good and alive. The problem is that the crisis become harder to manage. For example, I haven't taken this medicine the last days and I don't know if this was the reason why my dog's loss became even more painful this weekend. this morning I really wanted to die. I was desperate. I wanted to disconnect myself to avoid the great pain I felt. Sometimes I feel like giving up and killing myself to go with my little dog. Sometimes I feel it's unbelievable and ridiculous that I haven't committed suicide after all the years of pain, sorrow, loneliness, deceptions, problems, mental suffering and sadness. What am I going to do? If only I could know what he is thinking, where he is and get guided by him. The death of my beautiful little Guyton was the last straw to make me go to pieces and the last element to complete a decade of horrible 20s. Guyton is buried in my garden, but it is still too painful to look at his grave and stay there for a long time. It's just unbelievable. Many things just lined up for this tragedy to happen. I really don't know if this was meant to happen since there was a series of factors that make me think this. First, the rescued Golden Retriever Guyton had the little fight with, had many chances to be adopted, but in the end, the adoptions didn't take place. Sometimes because the adoprtants werent good and other times because of situations that make me feel what I just mentioned. He was about to be adopted by a family with three little girls and a boy. They went to meet him at the Pet care and they liked him. The owner of the ppet care gave me a call to tell me the family was ready to take hi with them and put the mom on the phone. I asked her to give me one more day. I told her this because I had another possible adoptant I had talked with on the phone that sounded like the perfect adoptant for him. She was the mother of a girl and a boy. He was married and thay had just moved to my city. She told me she loved dogs and that the Golden, whose name is Güero by the way, was going to sleep with her and be very spoiled. I liked this idea and the next day and took El Güero to their house so that he spent the night with the family to see if there was chemistry. The next day, I picked him up and the mom told me that her daughter's allergies had worsened that night and that the dog had growled at her boy. She wasn't upset about that, but I am sure that this was something that mae her decide not to keep the dog and the girl's nose was very red and swalllowed, so I could witness she wasn't lying. anyway, I thought: No problem, I still had the other family, so I gave the mom a call. She answeres me and tells me they had already got a puppy. I felt terrible, although there was something about the family that didn't make me feel convinced about giving el Güero to them. They had a big garden, something I liked, but the girls were very annoying and brusque and I always had the feeling that even though the mom ensured me the dog could have access to the house, he was going to end up the whole day in the Garden kind of lonely. More weeks went by and I was worried because el Güero just couldn't gain weight. He is very slender and this was a reason why I hadn't got him neutered. Besides, I just felt bad about the idea of doing this to him. I tend to do that. The problem was that he had become a little bit more aggresive. He was very sweet when I rescued him, but there were two little dogs in the first Pet care where he stayed that bothered him a lot and I think this made his character change. As time went by, he became more intolerant towards other dogs and he got into several fights in the Pet care where he is now and where he has been for several months. In spite of this, I didn't get him neutered to see if his behavior improved because he was thin and because of my idea of not wanting to heart him. Then, at the beginning of the year I got a new possible adoptant. A divorced mother with two girls. I went to her house to have a little interview because it is something I like to do before giving a dog in adoption and she told me she was going to go meet el Güero with her girls the following day. I told her it was ok and that I was going to be there around 1:30. She went to meet el Güero with the girls and according to the owner of the pet care and his employee. everything started great. They played with him and the dog was being nice and loving. Suddenly, the owner and the employee heard a fuss and yelling. They went out and the mom took the youngest girl away from el Güero because he put his muzzle on the girl's forehead and jammed her two of his fangs. The mother took the episode well according to the owner and left the place. I arrived around 10 minutes after this happened because I arrived a little bit later than we had agreed. The owner and the employee told me the family was just waiting for me to take the dog with them and suddenly this event took place and made the mom changed her mind. I felt bad again and I couldn't believe how close El Güero had been again from being adopted. This reinforced my idea that there was something weird around this. That week my brother rescued a female Cocker and took her to this Pet care. The owwner offered me on Monday to take her to the Vet to get her vaccinated, but when I arrived on Friday, the employee told me he hadn't had a chance to do it. I went three times a week with Guyton to visit el Güero and took them together for a walk always. That day, I decided to take the Cocker to in order to get her vaccinated. We arrived to the Vet and the doctor was busy bathing a cat. He told me to get back in 20 minutes. I had taken the cocker and Guyton out of the car and left El Güero inside. I noticed he was desperate for getting out of the car so I left him get out. I had the three dogs with their leash inside the Vet's store and I was on my way to a garden in front of the store to walk the dogs when I decided to get back to my car to get a t-shirt that I pu on El Güero that says: "Adopt me". I thought: I could get a possible adoptant during this little walk. Who knows. I tried to put the shirt on el Güero, but the dogs were excited, specially Guyton because he was trying to mount the cocker. I tried to put Guyton's leash under a dog's house to keep him there and it didn't work. I had the three dogs with their leash again inside the Vet's store when suddenly Guyton growls at the Golden and gets into this little fight. I separated them in a matter of 2 seconds and Guyton fell death to a heart attack. The Vet tried to save him, but he couldn't do anything. This is what is making my grieving process more difficult, painful and unbearable. The guilt and the fact that I could have put one of the dogs back in the car, left El Güero inside or tried to leash them to another thing, like a post. The guilt has been killing me and I find the whole situation even ridiculous. See all the things that happened that ended in this horrible tragedy. It's just unbelievable and it has been the story of my life in the last years. In the end, I usually end up screwed for ridiculous, unbelievable or stupid factors. I feel I killed him in certain way and that I took several years of his life away from him. And the series of events that took place before his death made me feel bad, weird, sad, guilty, stupid and pensive about something beyond my control that made this tragedy ocurred. What do you think? I have been feeling very sad again lately. I thought I had found a way out of the most difficult period, but I just had a relapsed. I don't know if it has something to do with the fact I stopped taking my medicine for my mental condition for several days, if it's just something that was triggered by some memory or a moment of weakness I had or a combination of everything. I don't know what to do. I know that taking my medicine, fluvoxamine, helps me hide my sadness and makes me feel less sad, but I also know that antidepressants tend to fool your brain, hyde your emotions and mask your real feelings and state of mind, which is something I have never been very comfortable with. I hope you can reply to me and thank you very much in advance for your help.
  7. I really need some help because I feel terrible and I don't know how I am going to get over this situation. I try to rescue stray dogs to then find them a happy home and I have tried to find a home for a Golden Retriever for 6 months. He has been in a pet care for months and every two days I went with my French Poodle to pick him up and take them for a walk. Today, I was outside a Vet with my little French Poodle, The Golden and a little Cocker my brother rescued. Everything was ok and I have them with their own leash. Suddenly, my little dog growled at the Golden and jump over hgim to attack him. The golden just put his body above my dog and I separated them almost immediately. The problem is that my dog fell unconscious with his tongue outside the muzzle. The Vet tried to save him, gave him a shot, reanimated him and nothing. He died. I feel terrible. He was my best friend, my partner and my life. I feel I could have prevented this from happening and this makes me feel guilty and misserable. My dog was 7 years old and had lung and heart failure that made him snore, have breathing attacks and get tired easily after running. I don't know if it was a combination of all these problems and if he wasn't going to be able to life fro many more years and these problems caused his heart attack. I really need some advice and support because this dog was the best thing in my life. I have OCD and my life has been horrible for years and this little dog gave me moments of great happyness. My mental condition makes this tragedy tougher and I don't know what to do. This was just the last straw to complete my misserable life. I wasted my twenties, I have no friends, no job, not life. My dog was the creature that cared the most about me and loved me with all my problems unconditionally. He was my best and only friend. He was my life and the one that brightened my life. Could you please help me? I am desperate. I am losing my mind. Thank you very much in advance for your answers.
  8. Today is our First Father's Day without Dad. It's been 6 months & 15 days. thought this would be easier to get through today. Almost didn't buy my husband a Father's day card since every time I got near that section at the card store I cried. Finally at Walmart, one of my regular customers from work who knows about Dad saw me struggling at the F.Day card section, went & grabbed a big sheet of poster board & held in front of the Dad cards until I could find one for hubby. Today I woke up thinking "Yay, I can call & talk to Dad today." then a few minutes later "oh crap, no I can't. he's gone & I can't tell him & hear him tease me about making a fuss over him". So I'm avoiding looking at ANY photos of him until later when my hubby's at work & I can cry. I so want to hold his hand again, want to hear his voice, want to feel his hugs, share a beer with him. He was the best example of a man there could be-my husband even resembles alot alot of his same good character. His best gift was thew wonderful & gentle way he treated my Mom-he had her so spoiled. He also taught my sisters & I what to look for & expect from a man/partner; sometimes we didn't listen but in the end we all did. I wish Heaven had a phone to call him & tell him Hey Happy Father's Day. I'll see you soon. xoxo this photo was taken 2 yrs ago at my daughter's high school graduation. 3 days later he survived a massive hemmoraghic stroke. This is the last photo we have of him well.
  9. Hi, I've never participated in an online forum before... so forgive my acknowledgement to potential "mannerisms" I do not follow. There is a support group for grieving pets that meets once per month, but unfortunately, I am always obligated to be somewhere else...either work, school, or my internship. My point is, I am having such a hard time coping with the loss of my baby boy... Dexter. I am so desperate to see if other people may have experienced similar symptoms I am experiencing... and if they are, how they cope or did cope... and even to possibly hear from those that can prove that things do eventually turn back to normal. I talked to Dexter when he was still developing in his mamma's stomach. I was there right after he was born, and when his eyes opened, and took him home as soon as I was allowed to. I got him when I was 18 years old. My baby boy. He was so much more than a dog, as I'm sure most of you can relate. He was my companion, my confidant, and my rock. He traveled all over the country with me... I hardly ever left him at home while I traveled. I swear he traveled to more states than the average American. He has always been relatively healthy throughout his life, besides some seasonal allergies. The past 8 months have been a nightmare. It all started one day when I noticed he had difficulty looking up at me. Instead of bending his neck upwards, he attempted to strain his eyes to see me. I immediately took him to the doctor to see what was up. Long story short, he was diagnosed with Intervertabrae disc disease. I kept him on steroids as needed. A month later I noticed when he was going potty a large red bulge coming out from his rectal area... I immediately took him to the doctor thinking it was a hernia or something...well it turned out to be cancer. Long story short... the cancer hadn't metastasized or spread anywhere else throughout his body. We paid to have it removed -- luckily, given the area, they were able to remove the tumor without having invasive surgery and instead were able to remove it fully another way (ill save you the details). How happy was I, my baby boy was cancer free. He was running around again, jumping, and giving me lots and lots of kisses every time I walked through the door. He was 8 years old at this time. I thought the nightmare was over. Early this past December I noticed he developed a head tilt. His primary vet diagnosed a tumor on his shoulder and suggested it had spread to his brain. I took him to an oncologist/neurologist and he immediately denied all suggestions. He stated it is simply due to how much pain he is experiencing in his neck/shoulders... after Dexter began to decline we decided to have a MRI. The MRI results indicated something nobody expected.....No bulging disc, No interverterbrae disc disease... but, that there was a significant amount of fluid that had built up in his spinal cord. If anyone is familiar with this.. then you understand that when any kind of pressure is put on the menegies (sp), the stuff that surrounds your spinal cord... it is SEVERELY painful... Long story short. there was so much damage to the spinal cord already that it was a 50% chance he would be paralyzed from the neck down if we attempted to drain the fluid... worse than that, the reason the fluid was in there in the first place was because it was simply the way his spine developed as a baby. there was nothing anyone could do about it, and no way any one would have picked up on it without having an MRI done. Since it was a structural problem... the fluid would have just returned... My baby boy was in severe pain... to the point where he needed to be carried to his water bowl, down the stairs, in different spots to pee, and anywhere he needed to go. he was not able to stand without falling, and would rather pee on himself than tell me he needed to go potty. I made the raw and crucial choice to put him down that day. I have in my entire life experienced such an overwhelming surge of guilt, pain, depression, and anxiety all at once. But I knew as his mother I would never let him suffer, not one more day. It has been just about one month since his passing...I am still having severe panic attacks...I still cry just by simply thinking about him... I feel a loss and a sense of abandonment. When my boyfriend goes out of town... I lose it.. I have to go stay the first night with a friend because I will start feeling panic and anxiety. I will burst out in tears and absolutely not be able to concentrate on anything. I am still able to manage my personal commitment to my own clients, my school, and my job... but I can tell I lack motivation, I lack the ability to cope with every day stress.. I am barely able to calm myself down... I got Dexter cremated and he sleeps by my bed. I thought I would be able to spread his ashes.. but this attachment is to strong.. and I Feel as if I cant let go. Does this feeling ever go away? Am I crazy? or is this just a part of grief? I feel lost. Please help.
  10. i don't even know were to begin. my cat wasn't just a pet to me she was the closest thing i had and probley ever will have to a child of my own. she started getting sick. i should have seen the signs. i thought she was eating and just not gaining weight. and drinking more water then eating. then she started going down hill fast. the last day my baby girl was with me i woke up and she could only lie on her left side. she couldn't move her back or front left legs at all. it was like she was asking me for help. i made the decicion to put her to sleep that day. as i was waiting for the ride to go i asked her to just go. she could go....please don't make me make this decision. but she wouldn't leave on her own. and i feel guilty. i feel like i murderd my child. i don't know how to make it right with my concience. because of me....because i gave money and signed a piece of paper my child no longer has a heartbeat. logically i know it was for the best because she was parylized on her left side. she was hurting. i could see it in her face but my heart....my heart is sick in pain. i have days were the logical side kicks in for a longer amount of time but my heart still hurts so bad. idk what to do. any advice would be greatly appreciated. thank you.
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