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Found 14 results

  1. (I wrote this a couple days ago, and logged in last night and thought I had updated it, but apparently it did not stick. Callie made a major turn around on Saturday Friday evening and after discussing with out vet, we have decided to wait and see if she continues to hold. I am still anxious about it all. But she is still with us for now. Thank you everyone for your well wishes and thoughts. I will be back for certain when the time comes that we do have to put Callie to rest. I am trying to be realistic, and yet also hopeful.) I am just beginning the grief process at the loss of my wonderful companion of six years, Callie. I have an appointment tomorrow at 11 AM at my veterinary clinic to have her put to rest. We had hoped to do an in-home euthanasia but due to how busy they are and the timing, it’s just not going to be possible logistically. I’m already beside myself with grief. I think already of all the wonderful memories of her life well lived in our time together and worry terribly how empty my home is going to feel without her. She has been dealing with chronic kidney disease for five years and we knew this day would come. However, two weeks ago we had an appointment for her and all of her lab results were actually excellent. Two days later she started a urinary tract infection and we have been fighting it ever since with antibiotics. This time was different as there were two different types of bacteria So we had to do two different anabiotic’s, one which was in pill form. She has always loved the idea of being killed. So that was a rough week for the anabiotic. The antibiotics killed all the good bacteria in her gut and she has not eaten in about nine days. She has been off the anabiotic for three days and her appetite has not returned. She is not in physical discomfort that we can tell, but she is very very anxious and constantly wanting food even though no matter what I give her whether it was her prescription food or human food she won’t eat very much of it. She is getting slower and slower and more anxious. We believe that since she has not had any real nutrition for about 10 days that her liver is now giving up. I know that is probably more detail than anyone really ever wanted, but I felt like I needed to get it out. With other situations in my life and the craziness of the pandemic, the timing of this just really sucks so horribly. Not that there would ever be a good time. My mother went home to be with Christ a year ago unexpectedly and I am just now starting to feel like I’m climbing out of the hole from that grief. I’m just worried what this all looks like. The thought of coming home to an empty house full of memories of Callie is really hard to get my mind around thanks for listening.
  2. Just at the start of COVID my long term (2.5 years) boyfriend lost his father unexpectedly. That same week he was furloughed, and moved out of state temporarily to handle family affairs. During this time I spent many weeks with him, working remotely, to support anyway I could. In all honesty, I was grateful for the time I could spend with him since my normal job wouldn’t have allowed for that kind of time away from the office. Two months ago he accepted a new job even further away, out of fear of not being brought back on to his company. As painful as it felt, I wholeheartedly supported his decision, hosted a farewell dinner (which he requested), helped him pack and drove cross country with him to settle in. Fast forward to this past weekend & he’s telling me he wants to break up. Says that he knows he’s neglecting me and that he can’t promise our future together anymore and is basically losing it over his work, and juggling it all. I’m destroyed. He ultimately said that he would like to just get some space, though we couldn’t be further apart as it is. He suggested no contact this week & reconvene Friday, by phone. I was literally just with him three days before this sudden shift for Labor Day weekend. What do I do? He’s the love of my life- and to make matters even more complicated, my two daughters have now witnessed me crying, etc. I’m literally just holding it together- I missed him like hell as it was and now it’s been going on 3 days with zero contact. I’m afraid he’s isolating himself and won’t ever come back. All the threads are so very similar to this but I can’t let him go.
  3. Eight months have passed since my husband died, of septic encephalopathy. We were married for 53 years. His body had been failing for 3 years, and together we spent many hours and nights in emergency wards and hospital rooms. He was 75, paraplegic from polio when he was 6. In his last 3 years he had developed loss of function in multiple systems: heart blockages, myasthenia gravis, diabetes, lymphedema, osteomyelitis. He survived these impacts because he had such strong care giving from myself and our two adult children. He was an artist--metalsmith, jeweler, craftsman, sculptor, painter. I suppose that many (not all) creative people can concentrate on their art by being self-absorbed. By being manipulative, selfish, "using" other people, flirting and charming admirers, never feeling the need to apologize or admit errors. I married him because I believed we were alike; I painted, wrote poetry and essays, loved all the arts. As our relationship developed, I became not only his caregiver and financial support, but a dedicated enabler of his narcissism. In the turmoil and sorrow of his final suffering (trauma from his confused speeding in a power wheelchair over a curb, being propelled out of his chair, multiple injuries) I persisted on a path of self-awareness, trying to forgive him and myself for what we did to each other. At 77 and physically deteriorating, I knew I could not possibly give him what he wanted: to come home and be nursed by us. My adult children had lives and families and work to attend to. He was massively overweight; I could not put him on bedpans or move him onto wheelchairs. He told people I did not love him; he did not want to die in a nursing home. I mentioned all this in some previous topics. Since then, I have allowed myself to release some emotions. All those years of denying how I felt. Immersing myself in my children, my job, our financial needs. In the needs of my aging parents. It is scary to feel. It's scary to realize how stupid I was. It's scary to be angry, and sad. I think I have finally reached a point where I can start to forgive him. He survived great physical difficulties by manipulating. I can understand that. And I am beginning to understand how my early development in an emotionally distraught family led me to think I had to take control of circumstances around me to stop the chaos. Now I am alone. And I have to find myself. Make my own decisions. Make a life. Finally to see aloneness and age as positive factors. Able to create my own art. Able to let go my guilt about my middle-aged children's problems because I did my best as a parent and they are their own people. Able to write poetry. To put paint on a canvas, which I haven't done since 1970. I thought I would travel, but the virus stopped that. I never thought how much energy this would require. Sometimes I feel everything at once--rage, extreme sadness, ashamed. And I need to walk away, take a long nap, or immerse myself in an audio book, just to shut out the noise in my heart. It makes me very very tired.
  4. My dad is/was 65 when he passed away May 16th, 2016. I am 24. He passed away in his sleep and I am still in shock. I just can't believe he is gone and it's overwhelming to have lost one of my best friends and biggest supporters. He understood me so well and was the most positive person in the world. Our last conversation was about going fishing together and I was planning on going to my home-state to visit my parents the next week after he passed away. I just don't know how to heal from this. I don't want to forget him and I'm afraid part of healing requires me to forget him, and I don't want to. I can't imagine my children growing up with their grandpa. He was so funny, positive, a leader and always so quick to make a joke and lighten the mood. I just wish I knew he wasn't feeling well. I thought I would be older when I would have to go through this and it's just too soon. I feel as though I have aged 20 years. I feel my dad in my heart and am trying to remain strong. I joined this site because I just needed to vent. This sucks, and I hate it.
  5. My mom died on Sunday, June 12. I have so many mixed feelings since she was suffering. The last few months have been hard, living in limbo. She was diagnosed two years ago with primary liver cancer and to complicate matters, she also had non-alcoholic cirrhosis and needed a transplant. The tumors were successfully killed and she was on the transplant list when additional tumors were found elsewhere. The experimental therapy kept some from growing, but others grew and at the end, it was everywhere and her liver failed. She was a fighter and held on until my twins were born last August, and then we found out my brother and his wife were also expecting twins...she fought and fought, and they were born April 28. After that, she really declined. I'm angry that she suffered and I'm angry that I lost my mother. We haven't been able to do things, like Christmas shopping, for some time due to health problems...and now I never will again. It makes me so sad. I can't call her when my baby gets a new tooth, or walks for the first time. I feel so cheated. I try to think that I got her for 33 years, but, it still feels short. I was watching TV the other night and one of those retirement home commercials came on, and I thought how I won't ever have to worry about that because my mother is gone. And it just brought a wave of sadness. I really feel for my grandparents, however...my mom is the 3rd child they've lost in the last 5 years (one to suicide, one to alcoholic cirrhosis and one to cancer). To complicate things, my dad also has stage 4 renal cancer. It has spread to bones and lungs so far, but he's doing quite well at the moment, tumors aren't growing. However, he's on his 4th drug and I know it is a matter of time until it quits working. He truly has defied the odds, but...still, it makes me so mad. I am also the only daughter and the youngest of 3, so I feel a lot of responsibility suddenly. My mom was the communication hub of the family, the party planner...she was very kind, very social. I'm very introverted, pragmatic...very different. I feel that I need to step up and take over things like planning our parties, ensuring birthday cards are sent. The void she left is so huge...and I don't feel capable of filling it.
  6. So last night I dreamt that my beloved Jack was still alive. He passed in March of 2015 so rationally I should have known it was t real. He held me as I wept and told him everything I went through. He told me he was in a coma. When he woke he wasn't able to find me, but that he was here now and everything was going to go back to normal. It felt so amazing to be back in his arms. Safe, as he always made me feel. Everything felt like it was going to be okay again until I remembered having his ashes. He said his kids used them to trick me so I would leave him. The ashes were fake. The. As I am telling him how horrible everything I went through was I remembered viewing his body. I remembered being in the hospital. It was obvious I was imagining things at this point but my god was it so amazing to have him hold me again! Woke with a deep sadness this morning! I miss you nugget!
  7. Hello My Name is Shannon I am new to the forum. I lost my significant other of 6 years only 4 months ago. We shared 4 children together and life is just not the same. I cant figure out why I am numb, frozen and slowing down. Things have gotten very hard, I truly don't want to express how hard. The pain I feel is crazy but I keep striving to be positive and to also find a new identity in this process. Nothing is the same. I started a blog only a week ago called grievingd.com dedicated to him in hopes of finding other women(or anyone) who has lost their partner because I feel very alone in my battle I wanted to express my feelings truthfully and freely amongst individuals in hopes to connect and help heal. I lost Damian to murder so connecting with people who understand that part as well were my hopes. Id like to hear other stories and also have the wisdom of others as well. Hopefully this site can give me this , but I would love for other women to connect and share their stories as well and hear me vent lol...
  8. My brother passed away almost 2 months back and this is the first time I am writing anything anywhere regarding the same. I still cannot digest the fact he's not there anymore. I have not cried properly even once since the day he went away. I go to the office everyday, laugh on jokes, go out at times, eat out and talk normally to people around me. I feel so damn guilty about doing any of these things. It feels as if nothing has changed for me, everything is going as it was before that unfortunate day and he no longer exists in this world. His life stopped that very day. We were so damn close but still it has not affected my life so much. It is killing me from inside but I am not able to do anything about it.
  9. I am upset because my mother died on August 25, 2014 (last year) right before my birthday. (My birthday is August 24) I haven't been talking about it with anyone except this one friend who is a girl. However, I have had a lot of symptoms due to this loss. For example, my grades have gone down, I do not talk to any of my friends/teachers/family with the exception of a few. I also do not participate in class and I am mentally shutting down because I shut everyone else out. However, my parents are probably the most concerned. However, they also lied to me about my mother. Okay, well here is the whole story. I was 6 or 7 years old and she just vanished. I was so young at the time I did not care very much however I was a little upset at first. Then I turned 10 and I begged myself to see her again and this time, I was a bit more curious, so I asked my dad questions. I asked him "where was she?" and "When will she be home again?" My dad told me she was at a hospital. Then, a last month in October, they told me the truth. She was never in a hospital...she was in jail. She was a drug addict and she needed money to recover so she robbed a bank. When I found out this information. I got mad and depressed. All I do is yell at my dad's girlfriend who I yell at because I think she is trying to replace my mother even though she claims she is not. However, I am still in disbelief. It is really hard to get over this and I am forced to go to therapy but they make me. No matter how much I do not want to. I don't know what to do and I am always so down and upset. That is why I am here. Hopefully, one day I can get over my mother...I am upset and mad at her. But since she is not here, I feel like I redirect my anger at my dads girlfriend which seems silly but she is also the closest and easiest target. Now all I do is disappoint everyone with my grades and silence. One day...Please help me if there is any quick and efficient way to get over this stage of grief. Thanks everyone!
  10. So this is my second post here, and you guys are great. it really helps and makes me cry but I need that, as Ive been having a hard time crying. Ive been wanting to but they wouldnt leave my eyes. Anyway, I lost my dad almost 3 wks ago and I cannot let go of the face he made right before he passed. Its faded and doesnt sting as much but it still breaks my heart. I held my dads hand all the way until he passed and I know he knew I was there because he squeezed my hand, he was just so drugged on morphine that he couldnt keep his eyes open. I hadnt ever seen my dad cry about him having cancer, the entire 3.5 years but once he found out he had 6 mos, he cried. And all he said was that he was sad to leave me and didnt want to. He finally told me a week before he passed, how miserable he had been. I never realized how hard it must have been on him and he never ever told me how sick he felt and it breaks my heart. I know he did that for me and he didnt want me to worry. I would go to his house crying and he would comfort me and tell me that it would be okay and that i really shouldnt worry. I finally told him that if he needed to go, he could because he had been through enough and he looked miserable. And a week later, he did. I had to drive from my college town to my hometown the night before and I told my mom to make the hospital do everything they could so he wouldnt go before I got there. She told him to hang on and he did. He was awake and the first thing he said when he saw me was that he loved me. fast forward to his last hour. He had been intubated and i elected to have it removed because he was fighting it. Like I said, I know he knew i was there because i was holding his hand and he squeezed it reassuringly. seconds before his last breath, his face crunched up in pain, into what i think was a crying face. it wasnt his normal "in pain" face but it was anguish. It broke my heart and I really want to know what it was. I want to know that he wasnt in physical pain when he died. I feel that he was sad he was leaving me but he needed to. my bishop explained it like this "you know when you are lost and scared and you see your parent and they 'save' you? and you crying because you are relieved? i think he did that because he saw Christ." that really helped me but its forever burned into my mind and i just want to know that he wasnt in agony before he died
  11. So I lost my dad on September 7th and I still cannot believe hes gone. I know its only been 3 weeks but I feel so lost. I cant wrap my mind around it. Im numb to things and I feel like I wander around aimlessly. Im back at college and working on assignments but no motivation. I just want to lay there and sleep or get lost in a movie. I feel like Ive aged 10 years in the past 3 weeks and I am so...lost. I feel like I lost a limb. My mom says I am in despair but I am so numb. He got diagnosed with cancer when I was 17. I never thought about it, pushed it to the back of my mind and adamantly thinking "ill think about it later." he was in the hospital for 2 wks after we found out and he got his tumor removed because he gave up for a bit. I just ignored it. Chemo made him sick and he was always cold and I ignored it. I remember talking to my mom and brother a few months ago and them saying they didnt think he would make it another ten years. I was so mad at them. he was fine! he had to walk me down the aisle and meet my kids. He would be there for that and for my college graduation. He had stage 4 cancer but it was just a number. I finally started crying when we found out he was terminal and two months later he had 6 mos to live. I woke my mom up at night cause i was scared. I drove to his house at night because I was sad. it finally came out and then a month later he died. Why did i deny it so long? i think its why I didnt spend all my time with him. I thought he would be there. I needed him to be there. He had to be there. He was my dad and he wasnt ever aging and he wasnt sick. He was fine. How do I get through this? I miss him and I am mad I never accepted it but I was scared. i remember thinking something at night "Ill deal with it when he dies." well here I am. it caught up with me and theres nowhere else to go.
  12. Hi guys, Im new here so bare with me please as I learn my way around this site. But anywho, my dad passed away two weeks ago and Ive been through all the emotions and guilt is overpowering everything. To be perfectly honest, I feel like I failed my dad. My dad had stage 4 colon cancer but died from septic shock due to his liver failing. I never realized how sick he was and he never told me. Since we found out in stages how bad he was doing, I was able to apologize and really tell my dad how much I loved him and I have apologized but in a general sense and he told me there was nothing to be sorry about but as the days go on, I feel like I wasnt there enough. Im 20 and in my third year of college so yes, I couldnt always be there and he understood that because he was so proud that I was in school but that doesnt justify it for me. My parents divorced when I was 9 but separated since i was 7 and all i can see in my mind is my dad sitting at home alone. My parents became friends and she helped take care of him but sometimes she would think he was annoying so if we saw him at the store she would wait till he walked by because she didnt want to talk. Well, that breaks my heart looking back at it. I didnt mind talking to my dad but I understand why she didnt want to but i cannot get it out of my mind. He deserved so much more! How dare I?! And lastly, I have an older brother who is 47 (my dad was 70) and he recently came back into my dads life and for time purposes, no one trusted him. No one, my father included. Well we got into an argument a few days after my dad passed and I feel like my dad was given piece of sh!t kids and I feel so bad. I feel like I should have loved him more and when I say that, i dont mean I didnt love him because I do so much but he deserved more. I apologize for the novel but I cant escape my mind.
  13. I was so proud of myself for getting a handle on my grief over Dad's death a couple months ago. But lately I'm mired down in deep sadness. Lots of tears every night & even at random times such as driving home. Music really sets me off-Dad & Mom loved it. My Mom is still alive but temporarily living with my sisters in Texas until we can decide what to do with her when she gets back north-she has dementia that is progressing quickly. I was a total Dad's girl & he was one of my best friends. I live less than an hour from Mom & Dad; have always lived within a couple hours so I could be in the state in case they needed me since the rest of my sisters live in Texas or Iowa. Even when Mom & Dad would spend winters in Texas I never was sad like this. #1. I knew they would both be back in March. #2 I had both of them. Now I have 1 left & sometimes with Moms' dementia it's like I don't have her either. My grief is all consuming the last few weeks & I HATE IT! I"m a 40-something woman who needs her parents & I really thought I'd be stronger than I am. I hide it all the time, even from my husband, so I don't worry him. And I have to hide it even from close friends because I actually had one tell me to "snap out of it & go get some happy pills. It's been 3 months already. Can't you be more positive?" So guess what? I'm going to go see a doctor & ask for some damn happy pills to make everyone else happy. They won't even let me talk about him because they don't understand it & they think it makes me sad. Yes, I AM SAD. I lost my friggin Father & I have these great memories that I can't even share out loud! A year ago on Valentine's Day I lost my best friend & yes I'm sad about that too. They don't know that every night I go in to take a shower because it's a nice safe place to cry loudly & then come out & smile for everyone since that's what "they" expect to see. I have to admit that as hard as that is to do but I"m probably depressed-something I've never allowed myself to be. Here I thought I was doing so good-oops. I'm hurt & sad & even angry [but not sure why] & I just want them back.
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