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  1. It has been 2 and a half months since my Mom has been gone. We were on a weekend trip with my whole family the weekend she passed. I had gone to her hotel room and was talking to her. It was usual conversation. She had been struggling to get over bronchitis and definitely didn’t sound good that morning. I had told her she needed to get back to the doctor, actually. We were still joking and talking when all of a sudden she said she couldn’t breathe. We tried her inhaler and that did nothing. She said Heather, I can’t breathe. I called 911 and watched her as she turned purple then blue. She fell and hit her head on the nightstand which resulted in a huge, open laceration on her forehead when I got up to open the hotel door for my Dad because he didn’t have the key with him. I got her laid out on the floor and tried to do cpr but I know I was not pressing hard enough. When the ambulance finally arrived they put a machine on to pump her heart for her and they rushed her to the emergency room. They tried to get her back but they couldn’t. The ER physician said she wouldn’t have any brain function. I still don’t feel like it’s real. I was so out of my mind that I didn’t know my family turned down the autopsy and not knowing what took my young mother of only 57 years old is so hard to live with every day. I feel so guilty that I wasn’t doing cpr correctly. What kind of a mother doesn’t know how to do this correctly? I am haunted by the scared look on her face knowing she was terrified and I could do nothing. I watched my mother die. She was my best friend. We talked every day. I relied on her for motherly advice as I am the mother of four little daughters. I feel like I am just going through the motions of my daily life but I don’t feel present. I honestly don’t remember half of what I’ve done since her passing. It’s all a blur of sadness. I feel like it is hard for my friends to relate as they are all lucky and still have their mothers. My husband does understand some of what I am feeling as we lost his Mom a few years back as well. It’s just different because my mom and I shared a very powerful bond that not everyone is lucky to share with their mom. I worry that when we die- we are just dead and that is it. I am questioning my faith more than ever. I am scared that I won’t see her again and I am terrified that after death we are just gone forever. I also find myself obsessively wondering if my mom knows she is gone. She had so many plans and wanted to watch her grandkids grow up. What kind of sense do any of these thoughts make? I just feel so very lost and sad. I replay her last moments over and over again and it is so hard. I know she wouldn’t want me to do this but getting over that is not something I am doing well at. I don’t know how to process or deal with any of this. I have thought about grief counseling but living in Illinois during this COVID pandemic has prevented me from being able to attend face to face grief counseling. I cannot meet with a counselor over a computer screen. It would be too awkward for me I think. I just don’t know what to do or where to go from here. I feel so lost.
  2. Hello everyone, I am a youngish woman (early 30's) who's mother was recently diagnosed with dementia and some other health problems. I am having a very difficult time coping with this. I don't really know what else to write at the moment, I guess I am wondering if there are any others out there in their 20s/30s going through this. It's very isolating at my age to be dealing with the potential death of a parent while many of my friend's parents are still relatively young.
  3. I turned 24 a few weeks ago. Usually I make a big deal about my birthday and plan something with my friends, but this year was different. It was my first birthday, first valentines day, first new years, first christmas and thanksgiving without my stepfather. He died of cancer in june, I took care of him. He was more than a father to me- he was a superhero. When I was 12 my mother was diagnosed with cancer- he married her 5 days later and promised to take care of her, my brother, and myself no matter what happened. She died when I was 17, a few months before I graduated high school. I continued to drink and take pills to deal with my pain. I created a lot of art work as well. I also now realize I began submitting myself to unhealthy relationships, in search of love that the other could never give me. Two years later the homicide department knocked on my door. These officers sat me down to tell me my real father had killed himself. My heart shattered. He had been unemployed and battled with his own depression and money problems. I'm not sure I ever really dealt with this loss. until now at least. Over the summer, when I became a caretaker for my sick stepfather, I prayed to my dead loved ones, for strength to get through another day. It was so taxing. so stressful and unusual for me. After he died, my whole turned upside down. Not only was I taking on -all at once- a whole swarm of responsibility i never had- to pay bills and watch over myself... A few months of living in my childhood home- my aunt, the homeowner- essentially kicked me out. Told me they were going to sell my house this spring and my drunk uncle was coming over everyday to tear apart the floors and paint. I had to move. and I did. I've lost my health insurance recently. another obstacle for me. The executor of my stepfather's will has shown her true colors- and made it clear that she is neither a good person or a part of my family any longer. I'm not sure where to get the help I need, within the low budget i have. I need support-from real people.
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