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The daily struggle...


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The grief-inducing issues of every day just keep coming... by the end of the day it is so exhausting.

I think physically I know he is not here.  Because when things happen, and I don't look over my shoulder to call out for him to see anymore, but I do still grab my phone to take a picture with the intent of sending it to him.  Then I feel crazy.  At the beginning of the business, we used a shared kitchen that had this gorgeous 60 quart floor mixer.  We dreamed and talked about the day we would get one of our own.

When we found this spot of our own, we peeked in the window, and saw a 20 quart mixer.  We were like, oh well, that will hold us over.  Well, today was the day.  We got our 60 quart mixer.  I ran to get my phone to take pictures.  After snapping it, I hit the forward button to send the pic to him :'(  Instead I'll post it here.  Here it is Ron, our mixer we always wanted... You'd be so proud... 

No grief therapy for at least another month, and tomorrow makes 7 months since 'the day'. I'm trying so hard every day to find my numb in the minutes that allow it, and its always a crap shoot how many of those minutes I get.  I look at strangers, especially men, in their 50s and beyond, and I feel this pang of resentment that they are still here, and their bodies are working, and Ron is not.  I feel guilty for those thoughts. :( 

Thanks for listening...

Patty

 

Mixer-sm.jpg

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11 minutes ago, Patty65 said:

No grief therapy for at least another month, and tomorrow makes 7 months since 'the day'. I'm trying so hard every day to find my numb in the minutes that allow it, and its always a crap shoot how many of those minutes I get.  I look at strangers, especially men, in their 50s and beyond, and I feel this pang of resentment that they are still here, and their bodies are working, and Ron is not.  I feel guilty for those thoughts. :(

It's the hardest thing any of us have faced, this life without our soul mate. All we can do is face each day with the same courage that our beloved did. We're a work in progress and none of us know where things will ultimately lead.

I totally get those pangs when you see men of similar age to Ron. Those feelings you have of "resentment" are totally understandable. Ron should still be here! And in a way he is. He's forever inside you, heart and soul.

I know tomorrow will be another hard day and I'll be thinking of you.

That is an awesome mixer, Patty. So bittersweet, I know.

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Patty it is not crazy to still try and share things with Ron he was your soulmate of course you want to share things with him I am sure he is smiling at that mixer , I still share everything with Kevin though I know he can't answer me or have his input good or bad but I still do because I know he sees everything. I am sorry you are having such hard days without much "numb" time this is so hard and yes definitely exhausting life without our soulmates can be so hard, I don't think you should feel guilty for your feelings you are dealing with a loss that is beyond hard  I used to get angry when I would see couple together I would say why was it Kevin's turn and not their spouse but somehow that anger turned to happiness for them  because I realized I was blessed to of had him and would never wish this pain on anyone. You will be in my thoughts and I hope your grief allows you some down time hugs

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Patty, congratulations!  I am sure Ron is so proud of you!  You are carrying on and accomplishing what the two of you began with your shared dream.

Don't feel guilty for your feelings, they're natural and how can we not wonder why we were singled out when others less deserving got to keep their husbands/wives?  It's good not to dwell on it or let it consume us, but it's natural that those thoughts occur occasionally.  

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Patty, I understand too because I look at couples and I think why this happened to us. I still find hard to be around couples or listening about couple's stories without feeling a punch in my heart. I really wish this feeling will vanish with time. If I have to live, I want to live without feelings of envy or resentment. It is very hard to fake that I am just fine with couples around, on top of so many other feelings of grief.

 

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Ana,

It's common with spousal grief to feel envious of others that still have their spouse.  The important thing is not to let it dominate your thoughts or get out of hand, but an occasional twinge is to be expected and I doubt we'll ever be 100% rid of that.  I am okay with other couples most of the time, but find when I am going through a really hard place, where I need my husband's assistance and don't have it and I see others getting cared for by their spouse and they take it for granted and don't think twice about the disparity in our situations, that I have the most problem with it.  I've learned to eat out alone, still have a bit of a hard time spending holidays alone though.  Right now I'm coming into the time where I can no longer attend evening functions because I can't drive at night.  People so take it for granted!   Others that don't drive at night have a spouse that can!  Not me, I miss everything all Fall and all Winter.  People don't get it.

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Kayce I remember a little while back I was in wawa and this lady was at the coffee counter getting coffee to and for some reason this lady started talking to me about hating her husband and all sorts of horrible things it blew my mind I was like wow granted I don't know her circumstances but that was hard for me to listen to especially since I used to have so much anger towards Kevin and now I can take it back I see so many couples being mean and nasty to each other and that kills me because it took Kevin's passing for me to learn a lesson and I don't want that to happen to other people.

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((((hugs)))) 

Yes the mixer is awesome... I have not used it myself yet but in an early morning quiet moment I will. A lot of memories and too hard a day already. It has already been used for big vats of dough already though! I was told I needed to name it  so I named her Susie cuz Ron loved to sing me "Susie Q"  

Making every effort to reach out to u guys cuz when I do It helps.  Cus the pit is deep. It is astonishing the blitz attack of anniversaries and dates have. The pain and longing, the tears all day even when trying to keep him near to help. And with so many dates around the corner. scary. 

My mom fell, fractured her pelvis, went from ER to rehab. She has Parkinson's and is now confused and doesn't want my dad to leave. I'm 5000 miles away. Life is so damn hard.  I'm just following y'all's lead and waking up the next morning and putting my feet on the ground.  Hugs. Patty

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On 9/22/2016 at 8:05 PM, Patty65 said:

The grief-inducing issues of every day just keep coming... by the end of the day it is so exhausting.

I think physically I know he is not here.  Because when things happen, and I don't look over my shoulder to call out for him to see anymore, but I do still grab my phone to take a picture with the intent of sending it to him.  Then I feel crazy.  At the beginning of the business, we used a shared kitchen that had this gorgeous 60 quart floor mixer.  We dreamed and talked about the day we would get one of our own.

When we found this spot of our own, we peeked in the window, and saw a 20 quart mixer.  We were like, oh well, that will hold us over.  Well, today was the day.  We got our 60 quart mixer.  I ran to get my phone to take pictures.  After snapping it, I hit the forward button to send the pic to him :'(  Instead I'll post it here.  Here it is Ron, our mixer we always wanted... You'd be so proud... 

No grief therapy for at least another month, and tomorrow makes 7 months since 'the day'. I'm trying so hard every day to find my numb in the minutes that allow it, and its always a crap shoot how many of those minutes I get.  I look at strangers, especially men, in their 50s and beyond, and I feel this pang of resentment that they are still here, and their bodies are working, and Ron is not.  I feel guilty for those thoughts. :( 

Thanks for listening...

Patty

 

Mixer-sm.jpg

As a business owner, I understand well your sentiments.  After nineteen months, I still want to call or tell my wife something that has gone on in the day.  I find myself just talking to her out loud in my home or in the car to acknowledge her presence in my life.  I still say, " Rose Anne, I love you", "I'm thinking about you" or " I miss you".  It helps me to cope through the day. 

Yesterday was an okay day.  Today I am more emotional and crying.  It is my cycle of life. 

I have a counter-top Kitchen Aid mixer.  Your looks like it would be a blast to operate.  It looks like it would take two people to lift and empty the contents.  I appreciate your sharing for it gives all of us hope that we will live and survive after the death and loss of our most beloved - Shalom, George

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20 hours ago, rdownes said:

this lady started talking to me about hating her husband and all sorts of horrible things it blew my mind I was like wow granted I don't know her circumstances but that was hard for me to listen to especially since I used to have so much anger towards Kevin and now I can take it back I see so many couples being mean and nasty to each other and that kills me because it took Kevin's passing for me to learn a lesson and I don't want that to happen to other people.

I think I would have shared that with her.  It might hit her in the head but perhaps it'd make her stop and think...

 

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I grew a lot of moxie after my husband died, I don't know where it came from, perhaps an inability to tolerate the stupid things people say.

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Robin, in my life after Tammy's death, it feels like in some areas, I've "become" Tammy. She is so ingrained in me, heart and soul. I so want her spirit and her essence to live on. Live on through me. I have the feeling, in time, Kevin's voice will come to you and he will be so proud of you speaking up and standing up for yourself and your family.

Hugs.

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On ‎09‎/‎24‎/‎2016 at 11:14 AM, iPraiseHim said:

As a business owner, I understand well your sentiments.  After nineteen months, I still want to call or tell my wife something that has gone on in the day.  I find myself just talking to her out loud in my home or in the car to acknowledge her presence in my life.  I still say, " Rose Anne, I love you", "I'm thinking about you" or " I miss you".  It helps me to cope through the day. 

Yesterday was an okay day.  Today I am more emotional and crying.  It is my cycle of life. 

I have a counter-top Kitchen Aid mixer.  Your looks like it would be a blast to operate.  It looks like it would take two people to lift and empty the contents.  I appreciate your sharing for it gives all of us hope that we will live and survive after the death and loss of our most beloved - Shalom, George

Patty:  Don't feel guilty; you are not alone.  I also resent the health of others sometimes; don't really want to take their health away, just don't understand why my seemingly fit and healthy husband got cancer and died when others with his same cancer have survived.  It's a hard way to feel but, I think, normal.  I am still suffering the loss terribly, almost worse, after 15 months and wonder if there is ever an end to this.  I too have my, what I call neutral moments, and so look forward to those.  I think we're all on a sharp, steep journey that might take a while....hugs, Cookie

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4 hours ago, Cookie said:

I am still suffering the loss terribly, almost worse, after 15 months and wonder if there is ever an end to this. 

I know for myself, in the second year you get real tired of them being gone, I felt like, "Okay, you can come back now!!" at that time.

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I feel the same what, Cookie.  In fact, when Steve was diagnosed he convinced several friends to get tested.  One did have prostate cancer.  He survived.  I know it was because it wasn't as severe, but being human, I do get angry at times.  Especially since this guy wound up being a real hypocrite in his friendship with Steve.  He took what was bequeathed to him and vanished.  Steve felt he was a brother, I always knew better.  I wouldn't want him to have suffered the same fate as Steve, but it does make me question the fairness as Steve was such a kind and giving person.

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I work with the public and I see many couples in their eighties and nineties. I don't resent them, but it does make you question many things, like why did Tammy die so young?

Daughter Katie had left to live and attend school in Illinois in June 2014. Finally, it was time for just me and Tammy, alone. It was supposed to be the beginning of the rest of our lives. Unfortunately, Tammy's health at that point wasn't good. We only had nine months more together. The hurt these days is often way too much to bear.

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I feel somewhat the same Mitch. We were at a point where I could retire and we could start traveling more when her parents and mine were gone. Of course that came to be and now I am the only one left and although I travel now alone I guess I just don't know what else to do but that which we would have done together.

I see older couples too in my work. I think very dearly of them for years ago I would do framing for this elderly couple who were German Jews who had worked at Peenemunde under Hitler which kept them alive I suppose. They were quite old and the last thing I framed for them was a celebration of their 75th wedding anniversary. I never saw them again but in my mind I think of them still as the faces of love. We never know how much time we will have but Kathy often said "Enjoy life for you never know when it will end." She said that I think because she hated seeing me stressing at work and all the small stuff. I tried my best but I never did get free at least not until she was gone. So I think back to the seventeen years I knew her and although I wish it had been longer. I too wonder why she had to die so young but I figure death is eternal. I'll find her and then we'll have all the time we wished for.

You're a good man Mitch. You do a lot to help others and you have more strength than you know but I know it gets you still and it always will. My arms on your shoulder buddy.

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Steve, thanks for your post. As an aside, looks like your next one is the big number 1,000!

As you said I do try to help others because it's something that gives me some pleasure. And no doubt you've helped many people here at the forum as well with your wise words of wisdom and encouragement.

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  • 2 weeks later...
On 9/22/2016 at 7:05 PM, Patty65 said:

 I feel guilty for those thoughts

Patty, don't ever feel guilty.  I look at people from the opposite end of the spectrum.  I see older couples and know that Billy and I had such a long time together, I look at them and know that one of them, unless they can both go together, one is going to suffer this unimaginable pain.  I was positive I would go first, and sometimes I think Billy thought he was going to lose me first also.  My son calls what hit Billy a "knock out punch."  He watched football with both of our grown children and boxing with our son.  I have an acquaintance that lost his wife last week and they had over 50 years together.  She was always smiling and laughing, so full of life..  I am sorry for the younger than me people on here that did not have as many years as we did.  I guarantee you though, I hurt just as bad as any of you, even with the milestones we passed.  

One time we were driving down the highway and a private company mower threw a rock up and hit the windshield on Billy's side of the car.  I was driving.  I never thought about his death as a real thing until that moment.  I guess that is why they call it safety glass in cars.  That window shattered, but it did not hit him, any of it.  I was so shaken though that I had to pull over.  We had to anyhow to get the insurance information of the mowing company.  But I kept reliving that moment and the possibility of losing him.  It was a few years later before he left me.  But, somehow, the reality of losing our mate does not hit us until it happens.  Like I have said on here a hundred times or more, I was going to have a miracle.  I quit playing God October 17, 2015.  

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