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The daily struggle...


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Marg,

We haven't had hurricane strength storms before except the Columbus day storm when I was ten (Oct. 12, 1962) and that was BAD.  My old mobile home and worn out carport can't handle the winds.  Yes I have my wood in, and enough on my patio to last me about eight days.

Brad, I told Marg she could have some of the rain, some wind too, I'll be glad for you to take part of it too! :)

Gwen,

I hope you aren't hit, I know WA is right in the path, I'm sorry your dog/s get scared during storms.  My dog seems to be okay as long as I'm with him and he's home, he feels secure here...wish I did!

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Kay,

So glad you are making it okay. Got up at 5 and the first thing I did was to check the Weather Channel. Looks very bad and scary up your way. Hope you are not getting flooded too badly. I know you are expecting tons of rain and wind today.

Debbie's area of Kentucky gets torrential rains, wind, and tornadoes. The first year I experienced this(the rain), she lived in a mobile home on top of a hill. I just knew we would be surrounded by floodwaters when morning came. Absolutely not! She lived 20 miles from Mammoth Cave and there are cave systems and sinkholes throughout the area. The water just goes into the ground. The creeks flood though. Rain like yours here would put us in boats.

Hoping we hear from Gwen soon.

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I try to stay away from the news channels too much, but just turned it on and you all are having a rough go of it.  Katrina I thought had destroyed New Orleans, but it is very slowly building back.  I just have never noticed too much weather for the west coast and my grandchildren lived in California for years.  Our floods in Louisiana were horrible but people are building right back up.  My friend lives on the lake we  used to live on.  Our house would have been okay, up on a hill, long way down to the water, but they lived in the top floor of a two story house with the bottom used as garage and tool room, etc.  It came into their top floor and they had to abandon their house with a very sick husband.  We all know there are things we think we cannot recover from, but somehow we manage to drag even our destroyed parts of our life around with us.  I hope your home can withstand this.  I know you say it is old, but I hope you live inland enough that it won't be so bad.  I just remembered the song "This Old House," and I have not thought of it in years.  I'm going to look up the lyrics and see if I can apply them to myself (ha, like I am able to do that stuff.).   

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I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired. I am going to force myself to leave this house and go shopping. I was going to go to the swap meet, just for somewhere to go, but decided I couldn't face that one. I've not been there since Ron left. We used to go on Saturday mornings and he would rent one of those riding chairs because it is a lot of walking. So I have settled on JC Penneys. I have managed to mask the pain of shopping in menswear. It took me almost a year. I got one of those $10 off a $10 purchase things. I don't need a thing, but my grandson needs boxers. Not too exciting, but I love a bargain. For further excitement, I'll hit the library, grocery store, and Subway. What a fun life I live. So very different from what once was.

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Just waiting to see what the winds bring.  Haven't hit yet but am on edge.  Wish my pets soothed me but they are another source of stress trying to calm them much less myself.  Going to the nursing home I volunteer at and hoping the night, while maybe crazed withbwind, spares us a power outage.  

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Karen,

I had to smile at your "fun life", sounds as exciting as mine!  I'm glad you're feeling well enough to go out for a bit.

Gwen,

Hoping and praying for your safety tonight.  The winds and rain have picked up a bit here, am not sure what will happen tonight...

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  • 2 weeks later...

just peeking in. i am still here.. I just feel like I have no words anymore. yesterday made 8 months. and ron would have been 57 this coming saturday. on that day last year, we lost our beloved black lab, kana, to the road in front of our house. it was a miserable birthday, his last one. and in three weeks from that, will be our 10 year anniversary. i just have no words anymore, or now anyway. but i don't want to lose you guys either. "youre feeling sorry for yourself" my head tells me. "i have a right to, and i can't help it," i reply. but the alone is too too vast these days. some days the shop is too hard to figure out in my fog. 

i went through a lot of effort to try to dream last night (i let go of my sleep medication routine, which was keeping me from any dreaming). and i did dream. it was just a horrible nightmare though, i should have expected that.  it was a cataclysmic end of the world dream, waking up with a horrible headache.  so much for wanting to dream, so much for anything. 

its so damn hard to keep trying to find ways to hold on and feeling worse for the ware for it.

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It's so good to hear from you, Patty.  Not so good the struggles you are having.  I hear you about dreams.  I prefer the nights I don't recall them at all.  Even some 'good' ones with Steve leave me too sad in the morning.  I live that all day, don't need it at night too.

i don't think it is feeling sorry fir yourself.  It is living the hugest void you will ever face and whatever you feel is perfectly valid and understood here.  

Some very rough days coming up for you.  I'm facing the 2 year anniversary of Steves death this Saturday.  I know we will both make it, just wish we didn't have to face them at all.  I'm so sorry for the memory of losing your dog too.  It just adds more to the load we carry.

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Well I'm at 15 months tomorrow of my Wifes passing and I 've developed some type of "don't give a damn" attitude... Maybe I'm a skeptic and a synic all rolled into one.....I have a hard time taking too much serious unless death or near death is involved.......I dismiss it as small stuff. I don't mean to be cold but I'm having difficulty identifying with normal daily hardships.......I hardly watch the news.....The rainy weather might have something to do with it.........

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4 hours ago, kevin said:

Well I'm at 15 months tomorrow of my Wifes passing and I 've developed some type of "don't give a damn" attitude... Maybe I'm a skeptic and a synic all rolled into one.....I have a hard time taking too much serious unless death or near death is involved.......I dismiss it as small stuff. I don't mean to be cold but I'm having difficulty identifying with normal daily hardships.......I hardly watch the news.....The rainy weather might have something to do with it.........

I often find myself having a similar attitude. It would actually be quite liberating if it wasn't born out of such sadness.

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Patty,

I'm sorry for all you're going through, all of the dates/reminders.  It's hard being hit with so much at once, losing your dog, losing your husband, having the business all thrust on your shoulders.  You may not feel like it, but you have been inspirational in your thrusting forward with the business even on days you feel like pulling the covers over your head.  

Kevin,

The time of year could very well affect you, I know it's getting to me.  We went from high temperatures to stormy cold wind/rain overnight and it seems the daylight hours almost disappeared all too quickly this year.  It's hard to digest.  Nothing seems as relevant once we've been hit with some cataclysmic event such as losing the person we most loved in the world.

Gwen,

I was hit with nightmares constantly a while back, about my dog dying, it was horrid and crazy!  They've finally settled down into the usual random dreams that don't make sense, an accumulation of bits and pieces of thoughts or events I've had in my life.

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13 hours ago, Patty65 said:

just peeking in. i am still here.. I just feel like I have no words anymore. yesterday made 8 months. and ron would have been 57 this coming saturday. on that day last year, we lost our beloved black lab, kana, to the road in front of our house. it was a miserable birthday, his last one. and in three weeks from that, will be our 10 year anniversary. i just have no words anymore, or now anyway. but i don't want to lose you guys either. "youre feeling sorry for yourself" my head tells me. "i have a right to, and i can't help it," i reply. but the alone is too too vast these days. some days the shop is too hard to figure out in my fog. 

i went through a lot of effort to try to dream last night (i let go of my sleep medication routine, which was keeping me from any dreaming). and i did dream. it was just a horrible nightmare though, i should have expected that.  it was a cataclysmic end of the world dream, waking up with a horrible headache.  so much for wanting to dream, so much for anything. 

its so damn hard to keep trying to find ways to hold on and feeling worse for the ware for it.

Patty:  I have had very similar feelings and volatile dreams that don't make me feel good.  It's a comfort to know you aren't the only one.  It's 16 months for me.  You are not feeling sorry for yourself in a negative way.  I feel sorry for myself sometimes and have decided I have a right; something horrible happened and it hurts.  What I want is for him to make an appearance to me, thinking that will make me feel better knowing he is somewhere out there.  It seems like we just don't get what we want sometimes.  Anyway, just wanted you to know you are not alone...you won't lose anyone here...we all seem to have a lot of similar feelings and experiences.  Take care, Cookie

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On ‎10‎/‎15‎/‎2016 at 1:50 PM, KarenK said:

I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired. I am going to force myself to leave this house and go shopping. I was going to go to the swap meet, just for somewhere to go, but decided I couldn't face that one. I've not been there since Ron left. We used to go on Saturday mornings and he would rent one of those riding chairs because it is a lot of walking. So I have settled on JC Penneys. I have managed to mask the pain of shopping in menswear. It took me almost a year. I got one of those $10 off a $10 purchase things. I don't need a thing, but my grandson needs boxers. Not too exciting, but I love a bargain. For further excitement, I'll hit the library, grocery store, and Subway. What a fun life I live. So very different from what once was.

Good for you...I know how you feel of being tired of the feelings.  I get tired too but there don't seem to be many good alternatives.  I do lots of things and do feel okay at times, but this is a heavy weight of sorrow that seems to go on and on....hugs, Cookie

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14 hours ago, Patty65 said:

just peeking in. i am still here.. I just feel like I have no words anymore. yesterday made 8 months. and ron would have been 57 this coming saturday. on that day last year, we lost our beloved black lab, kana, to the road in front of our house. it was a miserable birthday, his last one. and in three weeks from that, will be our 10 year anniversary. i just have no words anymore, or now anyway. but i don't want to lose you guys either. "youre feeling sorry for yourself" my head tells me. "i have a right to, and i can't help it," i reply. but the alone is too too vast these days. some days the shop is too hard to figure out in my fog. 

i went through a lot of effort to try to dream last night (i let go of my sleep medication routine, which was keeping me from any dreaming). and i did dream. it was just a horrible nightmare though, i should have expected that.  it was a cataclysmic end of the world dream, waking up with a horrible headache.  so much for wanting to dream, so much for anything. 

its so damn hard to keep trying to find ways to hold on and feeling worse for the ware for it.

Patty, so glad to see you post gain.  I totally understand how you don't feel like you have words anymore, I don't post much either because of that, I read here all the time, but just can't find the words most days to say anything.  You are not feeling sorry for yourself you do have the right to feel that way.  I'm sorry all those dates are hitting you at once, it makes it very hard.  Sending you Hugs

13 hours ago, kevin said:

Well I'm at 15 months tomorrow of my Wifes passing and I 've developed some type of "don't give a damn" attitude... Maybe I'm a skeptic and a synic all rolled into one.....I have a hard time taking too much serious unless death or near death is involved.......I dismiss it as small stuff. I don't mean to be cold but I'm having difficulty identifying with normal daily hardships.......I hardly watch the news.....The rainy weather might have something to do with it.........

Kevin, I'm at 15 1/2 months since Dale passed away and I totally get what you are saying and feel the same way.  Hopefully for both of us this feeling will finally pass and we can maybe start to feel something more than I don't give a crap.

 

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I am sending hugs to all of you.  I know you cannot tell it by the length of my posts, but some days I post and read over it and delete it.  I usually have dream amnesia, probably caused by the Xanax or earbuds listening to meditations, but I thought you all would get a kick out of one of my memories of a recent dream.  All I can bring up in my memory is a tremendously big piece of bacon.  I mean as tall and thick as a person.  Dreams are strange at best.    

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KayC, I get somewhat same weather and the remnants of Gwens West coast blasts.......unable to golf because of excessive moisture has resulted on a cart ban and I require a cart.......Working in garden, trying to get everything tidy for spring.....but the moisture/mud sucks the energy out of you.......Even the grass is  still growing(new grass from seed)..........next good day taking new paint gun out for test drive..........Van all winterized heading up North in a couple of weeks see everyone before Winter sets in.....

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Kevin,

We had a beautiful day Saturday and alas I was gone and didn't get to enjoy it.  Yesterday there was a block of time in the afternoon where the sun came out and I was able to paint my 40' ramp (and rails) with oil, and later I did both sets of steps to my front porch.  I'd been fretting that because it seems our 90s temperature went to ugly wind and rains so quickly, I didn't have time to get things done as I usually do in the Fall.  At least I have most of the limbs picked up in the yard, that is ongoing.

Sorry it's messing with your golfing!

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On ‎10‎/‎25‎/‎2016 at 3:00 PM, Marg M said:

I am sending hugs to all of you.  I know you cannot tell it by the length of my posts, but some days I post and read over it and delete it.  I usually have dream amnesia, probably caused by the Xanax or earbuds listening to meditations, but I thought you all would get a kick out of one of my memories of a recent dream.  All I can bring up in my memory is a tremendously big piece of bacon.  I mean as tall and thick as a person.  Dreams are strange at best.    

Marg:  You are great...I love how you are able to seamlessly mix the pain of grief with funny little stories...I want the bacon dream!

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On 10/24/2016 at 8:35 PM, Patty65 said:

just peeking in. i am still here.. I just feel like I have no words anymore.

Hi Patty, good to hear from you. I feel like that too lately - that there are no words - just triggers everywhere and I've already said it all. And then there's the head injury. My new constant companion is a headache. Pretty much every day for 5 months now. Sorry to hear about your struggles and your bad dream.

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On 10/15/2016 at 4:58 PM, Gwenivere said:

Going to the nursing home I volunteer at

Gwen, perhaps I don't say this enough, but I admire you very much for doing this.  This is a big step I have not made yet.  I mentioned volunteering to my mom after my dad passed and she said emphatically "and not get paid for it?!!!!!!"  That was something she would not do.  When she was in the nursing home for rehab, she thought she was working a job for money.  

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On Tuesday, October 25, 2016 at 1:50 AM, kevin said:

Well I'm at 15 months tomorrow of my Wifes passing and I 've developed some type of "don't give a damn" attitude... Maybe I'm a skeptic and a synic all rolled into one.....I have a hard time taking too much serious unless death or near death is involved.......I dismiss it as small stuff. I don't mean to be cold but I'm having difficulty identifying with normal daily hardships.......I hardly watch the news.....The rainy weather might have something to do with it.........

I'm in this state too from time to time. It surfaces particularly when I hear about young couple's hardships. "My husband works too hard" (oh poor him....mine can't forever). "My boyfriend hasn't called" (Well, Dump him). I don't like this new version of me. I try very hard to be a listener but I feel a vulcano growing up inside of me and after I feel sad and angry for more time. 

I haven't watched or read the news for a week. I feel fine and well about it!

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