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Can someone please help me!!!!?  I met the love of my life last year, Jan 2015.  We talked marriage and forever.  He father passed July of that year.  The dynamic of the relationship changed but I tried to do everything I could to help her in any way.  I loved her more than anything.  She started becoming distant but then we would have moments where she seemed back to her old self.   She broke up with me Feb of this year saying she couldn't do it anymore, however we were still in each other's lives as she said she had hope she would come back to herself.  In June she was telling me she loved me again.  In August she said she has to focus on her and she doesn't care about me or anything really.  I am devastated.  Can grief do this to a person????  Can the girl I met who wanted to marry me be really gone.  It's like her dad's death changed her and it seemed to be ok then got worse then was ok and now she told me she is gone and not coming back :(

i am devastated, please help me understand this.

Len

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Len, Hi, welcome here.  I know this is enough to drive you crazy, been there!  I encourage you to read some of the threads in this section, you'll find indeed that yes, grief can and does do this to some people.  You'll also find that most relationships do not survive this even if you do your best to be supportive.  I have personally read each and every one in here, and to my recollection there was maybe one or two out of all of them that made it through intact.  I don't want to be a doom-bearer, though, keep in mind that everyone is different.  

My best advice is to be supportive and understanding and above all, do not put any pressure on her.  Relationship talk will be considered pressure by her.  In my own case, we'd been engaged a year when it happened and he broke up with me.  We were able to reestablish a friendship after a time of no contact, but nothing further ever resumed.  Neither of us has dated since and it's been over six years.

In all of this support and understanding, please realize we're human and can only hang in there so long with nothing in return...meanwhile, focus on yourself and keep busy.  Reconnect with family and friends, join a gym, take a class, give yourself self-care and lots of patience and understanding...this is hard.

Don't worry unduly about what she says right now, you need to respect her wishes, of course, but realize that she doesn't know what she wants long term right now...she's making her way through grief and she's overwhelmed and it's consuming her.  When you lose a close loved one, grief does not go away or expire, but it does evolve over time.

This was my story:

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The hard part is it seems that she can be friends with other people who were in her life at that time.  Just not me, they were barely there for her and I was and then some, yet I get cut.  Why is this?

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When you're in a relationship, it requires something from you in a way that being casual friends does not.  So we're the first to go.  They do not have it in them to give, everything they have is depleted and what's left of their heart is in a fog, unable to think, focus, give.  I'm sorry, I know it's hard.

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It's so sad.  It's not like we are in a relationship anymore but she knows I still love her, hence wanting to be her friend, and she can't do it.  Yet she is hanging with people who didn't even check in on her :(

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I know.  When Jim was going through it with his mom, his XW, neighbors, friends could come by and help but I wasn't allowed to.  It's really hard.

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I didn't get that option, not until months later, he went no contact.

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That's so sad.  I am like why can't we be just friends?!?  Why does everyone stay and i get cut when I was the only there for you.  It doesn't make sense to me at all :(

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You're so right, it doesn't make sense to me either.  But this is a common grief response, although I don't think most grievers react this way, I know I never did when grieving.  Maybe she doesn't think you can stay at friends?  Or maybe she has conflicting feelings and doesn't want to make it harder on herself?  Jim's daughter told me that during the time we were "no contact" that he perused my Facebook and cyberstalked me.  I hadn't unfriended him because it's extremely rare he uses FB.  He obviously still cared, but yet he cut me loose anyway.  In the years since, we've been good friends, yet he's never attempted to get back with me.

I might add, you can only be "friends" if neither of you is secretly wishing to change things.  You have to accept it for what it is, otherwise the other will feel the pressure and will break it off.

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I really recommend you read some of the other threads in this section, you'll see how often this happens.  It's like she's not even aware she's behaving from a script.  In my story linked above "Here I Go Again", it happened much the same way.  There are countless people this has happened to, I've read each and every post on here.

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Hello Len~

I'm sorry you found this forum under your current circumstances but please feel welcome here.  My heart goes out to you.  Yes, collateral damage is a good description of what has happened to all of us.  I wish I had an answer for you to ease the pain.  Unfortunately, as I have learned over the last 9 months or so, there is nothing we can do except take care of ourselves and grieve what WE have lost.  I have learned that grief is such a unique experience for each person, taking care of myself has to be the priority right now. I never expected the breakup I went through and sometimes still have a tough time accepting it.  But it did and my life has to go on, as painful as it is at times.

It helps so much to talk about how you're feeling and journaling has helped me.  I hope the words here give you some comfort. We're here for you. Hugs.

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Your best bet is accepting "friends" level, and if you can't do that, go no contact, allowing yourself to get over her and THEN perhaps you can do "friends".  No contact also preserves whatever feelings you have left for her, so it does help.  Continuing to subject yourself to rejection is like the worst thing you can do for yourself.  My sympathy, I do know how hard this is!  I cried for months...

It's not fair!  None of us deserved this.  BUT I think in the long run it turned out to be a blessing, I wouldn't want to marry someone who could do this to me through no fault of my own either.

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Thanks for helping me.  I want to be friends.  She doesn't cause she can't do feelings and I love her.  I love her so much that I would try very hard to be her friend, but it's like everything so saw in me is gone.  The person I met, is gone and yet i am still the same...the same person that she was attracted to, that made her laugh,  that took care of her.  Try as I might...I can't help but take this personally.  If I was so awesome, wouldn't she want me around?!  If this happened to me I would have held on to love tight cause life is precious.  I can't even think straight 

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Hi Len~

It's okay to feel what you're feeling and you haven't done anything wrong.  I remember that was a question I asked my BF when he began distancing himself - "have I done something?" and his response was no, he just needed some space. So I left it up to him to contact me, which he did, almost every day, until the one day he stopped. I don't know what happened and it's like somebody pulls the floor right out from under you. And it's awful. So please take it one day at a time, or moment by moment if you have to, and let yourself cry, scream, whatever you need to do to process this pain.  I promise it will get easier given a little time.  Letting go is the hardest thing to do when you love someone so much, but it's the best thing we can do for them and for ourselves.

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I get so hurt that she is out there hanging out with everyone but me...when they weren't even there for her.  I did everything right and with love and none of it matters.  It's like how is she having fun?!  Is she even having fun?  And if she is having fun then where's the grief?!?

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21 hours ago, Len said:

If I was so awesome, wouldn't she want me around?!

This isn't about you, it's about her and what she's going through.  Try not to take it personally because it isn't about anything you are or aren't or have done.  I know it will FEEL personal because it hurts like hades!  So she's gone no contact, doesn't even want to be friends...that could change on down the road when you are in a better place to accept the changes in your relationship.  By that time you might not mind the changes, your feelings will change after being hurt and no contact for so long.  Right now try and focus on YOU and keep busy, hang out with friends and family, work on YOU, you can't change her or change her mind.  I'm sorry, gosh I know how bad this hurts, esp. when you thought you'd be together for life and you get blindsided.

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9 hours ago, Len said:

And if she is having fun then where's the grief?!?

This is her grief in camo.

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Have you read in other threads in this section?  You'll find this, too, is not uncommon.  I know it sounds like an alternate universe, but this isn't unusual, I don't get it either.

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So hard to not take this personally.  She says wants to be free (i guess to find happiness) but isn't  doing to work on herself...no therapy, nothing.  Doesn't even talk about loosing her dad.  It's like she is being someone else to try and heal but she seems to be just displaying damaging behaviour 

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It IS hard not to take it personally, but we have to recognize this isn't our personal doing, it's something that belongs to them.  We didn't cause it and we can't heal it.  We can only work on doing the best for ourselves.  Hang in there, I know how tough this time is, believe me, I know!  Wish I didn't. :(  Wish you didn't either!

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Sad to say...but this new her is not a great person now.   How she treated me is actually horrible.  Some even said it's this released her inner monster and she seems exceedingly narcissistic.  No one else matters to her but her.  I miss my person.  I don't even recognize her now.

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Grief is a mystery.  Who can understand it?  I've walked in grief time and again in my life and it's now ongoing.  Yet never, never have I treated anyone in this manner, even in my grief...it is beyond my comprehension!  And yet I have seen this happen more times than I cared to.  Perhaps she'll come through this, perhaps not, but hopefully this "new person" will help you through YOUR grief as you realize the person she was seems to be gone.

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