No ordinary day..

[Gwenivere]

Janet, It's so hard to be alone when the world keeps going forward.  It's been almost 2 years for me and all the holidays and get togethers mean nothing now.  Loneliness is the worst feeling.  I don't begrudge people moving on as they still have thier intact lives.  But we do feel separated from normal life.  There is no way to ignore holidays and special personal days either.  I don't know if you have any close family or friends, but sometimes they help.  I don't locally so it's been especially hard as for others here in the same situation.  I think on other times I have been 'alone' in my life but I could call my mother for example.  Reach out to a close friend for some human contact.  Those are all gone.  Your loss is so new too.  We are but cyber folks here but real people that understand.  I hope we can help with the isolation that comes with grief.  

[Marie Lee]

Janet, I get it...I am lonesome and miss my hubby too.

I went to visit his mom and dad yesterday....it was nice to see them.

I know they miss him too, nothing fills this void.

I know life goes on and I try...I am just not quite there yet...

Hoping for a better tomorrow...

Peace, Marie

[Gwenivere]

Here is my problem with voids.  Coincidentally, I was thinking of this last night in my going to sleep crying ritual.  Whenever a void entered my life Steve would fill it.  I can't really explain how beyond his being my best friend and person I loved most in the world.  I was able to adapt to other losses because I always had him which I felt would always be there, always.  Now that he is the void, I have no clue how to handle that.  We all know that people on the outside cannot do this nor truly understand it.  So what do we do?  (Rhetorical).  It really hit me hard last night and gives me a clearer picture of how deep and cold grief is.  Losses I felt from parents to friends were not easy but I had someone to talk to, cry to and share the pain.  I did the same for him when he lost special people.  My frustration is that he never had to experience this ultimate void.  It sometimes angers me.  I was his caregiver thru his cancer too.  He was never alone.  I know life isn't 'fair', and as crazy as it sounds, the time I need him the most I will ever in my life, he is not here.  I have to keep reminding myself I am not losing my mind.  I am alone for the first time in my life.  Not just because of him, but family and friends too.  When I said that to my counsellor she said that spoke volumes.  There was a time I was so strong and independent.  That came knowing there were people in my life that I could always turn to.  Now all are gone.  All of them except one dog we had as a family.  She is my last link to the life I knew and will be turning 12 next year.  I try not to think of what that will do to me.  Everything from this point forward is now me alone living it.   If it can be called living which I am hard pressed to say.  I want to care about something again.  In a week it will be 2 years I have had no contact with him.  I've stopped talking about I to others because finding they didn't get the 'magical' 1 year mark, they definitely won't get this.  I just wish Steve could help me a little thru the void he created.  

[brat#2]

4 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

Here is my problem with voids.  Coincidentally, I was thinking of this last night in my going to sleep crying ritual.  Whenever a void entered my life Steve would fill it.  I can't really explain how beyond his being my best friend and person I loved most in the world.  I was able to adapt to other losses because I always had him which I felt would always be there, always.  Now that he is the void, I have no clue how to handle that.  We all know that people on the outside cannot do this nor truly understand it.  So what do we do?  (Rhetorical).  It really hit me hard last night and gives me a clearer picture of how deep and cold grief is.  Losses I felt from parents to friends were not easy but I had someone to talk to, cry to and share the pain.  I did the same for him when he lost special people.  My frustration is that he never had to experience this ultimate void.  It sometimes angers me.  I was his caregiver thru his cancer too.  He was never alone.  I know life isn't 'fair', and as crazy as it sounds, the time I need him the most I will ever in my life, he is not here.  I have to keep reminding myself I am not losing my mind.  I am alone for the first time in my life.  Not just because of him, but family and friends too.  When I said that to my counsellor she said that spoke volumes.  There was a time I was so strong and independent.  That came knowing there were people in my life that I could always turn to.  Now all are gone.  Everything from this point forward is now me alone living it.   If it can be called living which I am hard pressed to say.  I want to care about something again. I've stopped talking about I to others because finding they didn't get the 'magical' 1 year mark, they definitely won't get this.  I just wish Steve could help me a little thru the void he created.  

Well put, that's how I've been feeling, don't have much to add to that other than I wish I would make you feel better with some magical words or physically be there to comfort you some.  Sending you hugs the best I can.

Joyce

 

[Brad]

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

My frustration is that he never had to experience this ultimate void.  It sometimes angers me.  I was his caregiver thru his cancer too.  He was never alone.  I know life isn't 'fair', and as crazy as it sounds, the time I need him the most I will ever in my life, he is not here.  

 I just wish Steve could help me a little thru the void he created.  

For my part I am relieved Deedo never had to experience this ultimate void.  One of the discussions we've had several times is in regards to the involvement our loved ones now have in our lives.  I'm of the frame of mind that I hope she can't see me because it would devastate her to see the pain I feel and I would hate to know she was hurting.  

It does hurt so much knowing that the time will come when I need her most and she won't be there.  It does not sound crazy to me Gwenivere. 

It would be so much easier to have Steve or Deedo here to comfort us and help steer us through this void created by their absence.  But then if they were here there wouldn't be an absence.

Here's to the day whenever it may come that we once more can care about something other, or in addition to, the emptiness that is such a central focus point of each and every day.

[Gin]

Although I would want Al with me when I need him most, I am glad he was not the one to stay.  He had so many medical issues and he was completely blind the last few months.  There would have been no one to take care of him.  I at least was healthy enough to take care of him at that time.  He would have had to go into a nursing home and I know he would have hated it.  He was so independent and that would have stripped him of what mattered to him.  I hate this life, but better me than him.  I miss him so, so much.

Gin

[kayc]

3 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Now that he is the void, I have no clue how to handle that.

That is so true, that's why this is so damned hard!  Used to be, anything either of us went through, we had each other to go through it with.  Together we could make it through anything!  Alone, it's way different...

[kayc]

13 minutes ago, Gin said:

I am glad he was not the one to stay.

I am too, but I wish we could have had a whole lot more time and then gone together.

[Gwenivere]

Brad, after 5 years of being the one to witness his pain, 2 of ultimate devastation being alone, it was so help if I knew he could see how much his being gone has made me truly feel how deep our love is/was.  

Gin, when I feel the wrong one of us died, I see Steve as the healthy man he was.  The strength he possessed.

Its all just thoughts from a grieving mind that hit me in the dark of night.

[iPraiseHim]

On Sunday, October 23, 2016 at 9:02 PM, Gin said:

Although I would want Al with me when I need him most, I am glad he was not the one to stay.  He had so many medical issues and he was completely blind the last few months.  There would have been no one to take care of him.  I at least was healthy enough to take care of him at that time. 

I feel the same way. My prayer was answered that I lived to care for my wife.  If I would have died first, she could not care for herself and would have just stopped dialysis. I am gratefully blessed to attend to my beloved wife's needs and show her love daily as life was such a struggle for her towards the end.  I miss her greatly.  I know there is still a purpose for my life  because I am still here.  Breath, hang on, hold on, step forward, and keep striving.  We all have a purpose. When we seek that out diligently then we will discover it.  Reading the posts tonight helps me to connect with others and acknowledge that although I am lonely; I am not alone.  - Shalom

 

[Gin]

George,

i am having a hard time finding My purpose.  No one who counts on me.  Grandkids are mostly grown.  I am looking for a volunteer position, but have not found that either.  I am finally getting over anemia, so I  should find something.  

Gin

[iPraiseHim]

Gin, you would probably be surprised by the number of people that count on you that you are not even aware of.  All of us touch other peoples lives in ways that we are not even aware.

It has taken me awhile to get to this point in my grief journey.  My wife was my world and I enjoyed that role every day.  It has taken me a long time to get through the shock of her death.  It takes whatever time it takes.  I still have those real down times, grief stoppers, but the more I just accept them as part of my life the more I learn about myself and the right path for me. 

I realize I need to change some things in my life now while I still have the ability even though I don't often FEEL like doing it.  As I've watched my Dad age this last year, I realize that, for me,  time is of the essence because there will come a day when I will be unable to accomplish what I want. There is a time and season for everything.  You will find your purpose.  Initially, I was just learning how to breath and live one moment at a time without my beloved wife.  As we all know it is the hardest thing to do when we love them so deeply.  

Marty's advice and the support of many people in this group has helped sustain me and is teaching me to face this grief daily and learn to live with it in this our "afterlife" of loss and love.  

[rdownes]

Gwen I truly believe that they can see us and see our pain and I truly think that they wish they could stop it, they loved us in life they still love us in spirit I know it doesn't always help to know this or make it any easier or fill the void but sometimes it is all we have to keep going which is what they would want I am  know that my Kevin could never of handled this pain or loss not with his bipolar if I went first my children would have lost both parents that was the extent of his love it is that love that gets me through every hard lonely day no matter how dark the day.

[Brad]

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

Brad, after 5 years of being the one to witness his pain, 2 of ultimate devastation being alone, it was so help if I knew he could see how much his being gone has made me truly feel how deep our love is/was.  

 

Gwenivere - My best guess is Steve knew how deep your love was/is long before he left.

I too know how the mind works in those wee sleepless hours. Those times when the enormity of the loss keeps reverberating and those self doubts and unwanted memories get stuck on a seemingly endless repetitive loop.

I too understand the anger at the unfairness of it all. They were the ones who made the world right.  They were the ones who gave us strength and without them we aren't sure who we are now.  

I do hope over time we will find that strength we had before them. I hope over time we will find ourselves focusing more on today and tomorrow and less on the part of us that has been ripped from our soul. 

For you it's been nearly two years and you are still devasted: and yet I see a stronger and more assured woman than the Gwenivere I met thirteen months ago when I first came here. 

[Gwenivere]

Thank you Brad.  ?

[Marie Lee]

I love you all. Thanks for being there and understanding.

I try to get busy and move forward and it doesn't last long.

I feel like a Debbie Downer when I share my pain with others.....

I wonder when the hurt will be less...

I admire so many of you for the caregiving you provided to loved ones....

Words elude me ...

Much love, Marie

[rdownes]

Marie I know how you you feel we move forward then something knocks us back down so we have to climb out of the hole again only to be knocked down again it can be so mentally exhausting but we will find our way we will learn how to live with the pain, one day we will find our sense of peace until then we need to hold onto the hope that we will find it one day and you are not a Debbie Downer we all understand what you are feeling and sharing your pain with people who understand truly helps one day we will be able to remember them and smile and the pain will not consume us it is hard sometimes holding on until that day

[WolfsKat]

Funny...........before I read this thread, I never really thought about the "reversal" much......if I'd been the one to go, first.  Honestly?  I think it would have devastated Connor entirely.  He was rather paranoid about something happening to me....he would worry about it......every day, when I left for work, he would say "Please be safe and come back to me!"  When I had a cancer scare (tumors found in breast & neck), he was terrified to the point that he needed anxiety med dosages upped.  He would say, "Don't go anywhere on me".....which meant please don't die and leave me alone.  Connor had a gentle and loving soul, but he'd been so afraid of being hurt again, he'd become rather a hermit until we found one another. Every day, he told me, he thanked God for me. If I'd died.....he'd have been shattered, and I have doubts he'd have lived long....he said as much, more than once.  I was/am the stronger, emotionally, of us.....resilient, a tough ol' bird.  But.....losing Connor has knocked me down, HARD.  While I AM struggling to go on, as he'd wish, and make a life w/out him.....even try to "be happy"......I do not think I will ever get back being able to roll with the punches.....this blow was too damn hard.  All I can do is muddle on day to day....baby steps towards a new/uncertain/solitary future.

[kayc]

Kat,

I feel the same as you...George would have been completely annihilated if I'd died, so I'm glad he was spared that.  I always thought of myself as strong, I've been through and survived a lot in my life...but this knocked me down like nothing else!  Still, somehow, I've survived even this, although that's an ongoing process, not something that's ever over and done with completely.

[brat#2]

I agree with you all, I don't think Dale would be handling this well at all if I were the one to go first.  I'm glad he is not having to go through this pain. It's not that I'm that strong and I'm having a very hard time dealing with this, but I've been with him when he has lost family members and friends and he didn't handle those to well.  I've lost most family over the years, but this one has truly rocked me to my core, but somehow I'm getting through it, I believe that Dale and all the other family I've lost are still with me and that is giving me some kind of strength and I hope they continue for the rest of my life, I sure need the help.

Joyce

 

[Gwenivere]

I keep reading how so many of you feel those we have lost are still with us.  I know what you mean in our hearts, but those are just memories to me.  I don't feel them at all in any other way.  I don't feel I can talk to them and feel some relief and I have tried.  It's like yelling into a canyon without even an echo.  When I talk to people, which is rare, about it, I don't feel any pleasure from the casual saying he and I did this or that.  I feel nothing but emptiness.  I wish I could feel it, but I just can't make happen something I don't. 

On a side note, this being alone is really tougher than I realized lately.  Normally if I had an idea about something (little things like changing something in the house or a new idea for dinner) I would run it past Steve.  I could also run it by a friend.  I realized today I have absolutely no one to do that with.  Not a soul to call locally.  Talk about feeling isolated.  Can't even talk about the mundane things of every day living.  Can't even buy a new couch pillow and say....what do you think?  Someone posted about going shopping and what was the point.  I see little things I would normally buy for fun, but they just don't matter anymore.  It's only the necessities now.  I get practically giddy if I actually need something.  Today it is dog food.  Yippee.  And I say that sarcastically.  

[brat#2]

Gwen, I wish there was something I could say to make it better for you.  I know you have Steve in your heart and he always will be and hopefully, when you can get through this stage you are going through, that will be enough for you and give you some peace.  I do understand how hard it is being alone, it is heartbreaking and the silence is deafening.  I haven't bought anything new for the house either, why bother, no one but me to see it and what's the point,  I would buy stuff to share with Dale or something he would like.  I was never much of a shopper anyway but now it's even less fun.  We are here for you and hope we can make you feel better in some way.  Hugs

Joyce

 

[WolfsKat]

I hate shopping, now, as well......Connor and I really enjoyed going to thrift stores to look for "treasures".......especially when traveling on our "adventures".....we'd find something fun/offbeat, or something that was aesthetically pleasing to us....it was much more fun than going to touristy, overpriced shops....the "hunt" was part of the fun of it all.  We even enjoyed grocery shopping together.....especially at our favorite ethnic markets, always looking for something intriguing to try out....even the most mundane outing was fun for us, as we enjoyed being together so very much, and we could make an "adventure" out of a trip to the drugstore!  We also loved trying out new places to dine out, especially ethnic.....usually using a Groupon or Living Social deal.....it was so fun discovering new places together!

Now......I buy what little I require as quickly as possible, in and out. I've attempted to go to a few thrift stores......but it hurts to see something he'd have gotten a kick out of.....and I find myself looking for him (he'd always wander off on his own).  And no interest in dining out, alone......I gave the half dozen Groupon deals we'd purchased right before he went to hospital away to others.  

I've zero interest in my home. Keep it tidy as I can.....but knowing that I will be moving back to Michigan, I see no meaning in working on the stuff we'd started together.  I can only hope that I can "get back" some of my happiness and interest in things I used to love......it seems, right now, to have died with Connor.  It's so damn hard.......I was content being alone before we met......but now?  Having shared a full, happy and bonded life with Connor......I am now NOT content/happy!  And I do not want another.....so.....it will certainly take some doing to find some peace with my life, as it is now.  The "aloneness" hurts.

[rdownes]

Gwen I wish I knew how to make this easier for you it is hard so very hard we walk around with this empty feeling that never goes away and it would be so easy to just give up and surcome to the darkness but we find the strength to get through another day and I know for me it is Kevin's love that keeps me going he is more than a memory to me he is embedded in my soul, I know he sees me and he replies through his signs and for now that has to be enough I know he walked beside me everyday he would never truly leave me completely his presence is all around me even on the darkest day when I say I can't do this anymore I know he is there and little by little I find the strength to push forward.It is so hard. I truly hope that in your own time you are able to find your comfort I know how hard it is and how bad it hurts I truly do.

[Gwenivere]

14 hours ago, WolfsKat said:

If I'd died.....he'd have been shattered, and I have doubts he'd have lived long....he said as much, more than once.  I was/am the stronger, emotionally, of us.....resilient, a tough ol' bird.  But.....losing Connor has knocked me down, HARD.  While I AM struggling to go on, as he'd wish, and make a life w/out him.....even try to "be happy"......I do not think I will ever get back being able to roll with the punches.....this blow was too damn hard.  All I can do is muddle on day to day....baby steps towards a new/uncertain/solitary future.

Steve and I talked about how he imagined he would feel if I was gone.  He was a very strong man but felt that all reason to fight to live alone would become lost.  I know this blow was too damned hard.  It's changed everything of what I knew life to be.  Rolling with the punches is extremely hard now.  A solitary future is the perfect wording.

i was thinking when I was out doing my 'thrill' errand of buying dog food that all the work we did to make sure the other would not have to worry financially was certainly helpful and something to be grateful for.  But when all meaning disappears, it doesn't make a dent in the void of the loneliness life will be now til my own demise.  All those places we went to shop and browse have no meaning now.  I see things I know we would have bought but walk by them now.  I've added some small things, but they almost glaringly stand out from our stuff.  And this is how it will be now.  The growth of our life together is over.