Guest Posted October 30, 2016 Report Share Posted October 30, 2016 Hello. My name is Laurie. I was recently introduced to this site by a grief counselor at the mortuary where my husband was cremated/where we held his service. My husband, Robert, died on December 27, 2014. He was 38 years old; I was 43 (now 45). Our fifth wedding anniversary was on June 4th of this year. Since his death, I have tried, struggled and finally given up on finding the "right" place to meet widows and widowers who are near my age. I've tried a handful of local groups (one was even called "Young Widows and Widowers")... and the second youngest person at the table besides me was 58. While I know that each of us experiences grief in our own ways and NO ONE can or should compare the hurt and devastation that we each go through, I feel like if I could talk to women (or men) in my age group and circumstance (a professional who works every day) surely it would be of some help to me. Right? I would certainly welcome and appreciate replies from anyone who wishes to do so; but what I'd really love is to hear from folks that are in my age group and find out how YOU are coping. Me -- how am I coping? Not a day goes by that I don't think of my very BEST friend, the person who made me laugh THE MOST, the person with whom I shared EVERYTHING. I think of Robert throughout the day and and have lived with the feeling of "tamping down the urge" to message him, text him, email him, call him, for almost two years... and it's an incredibly heavy burden. Robert was a technology guru and was paid well for it. He taught me (and really everyone he knew) all that he knew about everything "geek". We IMd each other throughout the day when we were both at work and I mean ALL DAY, sharing our work day with each other and sending each other countless stories and videos online. Not having him to talk to has been the worst feeling I've ever experienced. He was the smartest (I'd like to insert a swear word here, but I don't want to get into trouble!) person I'd ever met! My God how I miss hearing his thoughts on things... his perspective, especially during this insane election year. Robert was a political animal and I became even more of one during the eight wonderful years we had together. Anyway... I don't want to ramble too much in my first post. I just want to ask people: how do you/we go on after we've lost the most important person in our lives? I am thinking about joining an online dating site, only because I am so incredibly lonely. I miss male companionship. Do men even want to date widows? I feel like there's a stigma attached to me/us, that potential mates will think, "oh, I could never live up to the person she lost", so they might not even try. Of course, I've been afraid because I know that no man will ever live up to the standard that Robert set in my heart and my mind, but I feel like I could love someone again, just in a different way. It's such a strange predicament to be in... I waited to get married until I was two weeks shy of my 40th birthday. I waited so long to find the perfect guy for me... and we were only husband and wife for three short years. Sigh. How many times have I asked myself (and others, of course) WHY DID THIS HAPPEN TO ME? Why did this happen to Robert? The anger and incredulity at my situation is suffocating and piercing at times. I'm going to stop now before I get into a crying jag that will go on for a while... I hope to hear from others who are in the same boat as me. Thanks for listening. ~LB Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted October 30, 2016 Report Share Posted October 30, 2016 I just passed the 2 year mark that you are approaching, Laurie. I am going to be 61 soon. There are people here in you age group I hope will provide some answers on the age issue. But I can tell you that all of what you feel we do too, no matter what age we are because of the devastating loss. Funny you should mention the election as that is one of the main things I miss about my Steve. We would be talking a lot about the insanity if it. I, too, am particularly hit by 2 years of not talking with him about anything. Even down to what to have for dinner. The loneliness can be suffocating. The silence too loud. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brad Posted October 30, 2016 Report Share Posted October 30, 2016 Hello Laurie - Welcome to the forum. First I am not in your age group but I do relate to many things you wrote about. 2 hours ago, LaurieB1971 said: While I know that each of us experiences grief in our own ways and NO ONE can or should compare the hurt and devastation that we each go through, I feel like if I could talk to women (or men) in my age group and circumstance (a professional who works every day) surely it would be of some help to me. Right? While we all experience grief differently I think you will find common denominators in all of our experiences, regardless of age, beliefs, careers. I have found so much love, acceptance and compassion here from people; I hope you find the same support. 2 hours ago, LaurieB1971 said: Anyway... I don't want to ramble too much in my first post. I just want to ask people: how do you/we go on after we've lost the most important person in our lives? For me it is, and has been for a long time, one day, one hour, one minute, one moment at a time. There have been many analogies depicting what we are going through and they all are apropos. I don't know how we are to go on, I just know that we do: somehow we make it from one moment to the next. The loneliness is huge. I understand why you would want to join an online dating site. And yes men will date and marry widows. Just wait until you do find that one guy who will exceed that standard that Robert set. Welcome to the forum and I am so sorry you have cause to be here. Brad 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted October 30, 2016 Report Share Posted October 30, 2016 Thank you for your response! I feel comforted hearing from you. I know that loss knows no age... for sure. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted October 30, 2016 Report Share Posted October 30, 2016 Hi Brad. We sure do "make it from one moment to the next", don't we? I feel like my life is a series of moments. I am happy to hear how much love, acceptance and compassion you've found here! I should've mentioned in my introduction post that I do have probably the best support person I could have had in this situation and how thankful I am for her: Robert's Mom, Lynn. We were close before he passed away and have grown even closer since. Thank you for your reply. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brad Posted October 30, 2016 Report Share Posted October 30, 2016 You are so fortunate to have that bond with Lynn. I am sure that you are as strong a support for her as she is for you. We need those people, especially now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted October 30, 2016 Report Share Posted October 30, 2016 Your Pooh quote made me bawl. So sweet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brad Posted October 30, 2016 Report Share Posted October 30, 2016 I need reminding of that every now and then. My kids used this quote to end the multimedia presentation at Deedo's Celebration of Life. I have a picture of her with our granddaughter blowing dandelion puffballs with this quote superimposed on it. It's the first thing I see in the morning. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Patty65 Posted October 30, 2016 Report Share Posted October 30, 2016 Dear Laurie, I turned 51 a couple of weeks ago, so I'm a bit older too , but just the other day I journalled -- "the thought of living decades more without him is repulsive". My husband died 8 months ago from metastatic melanoma that had gone to his lungs and his brain. and everywhere. and from the time we found out, he lived only 55 days. We had just opened up our Pasta Shop together just 8 months before he collapsed. We worked and lived together 24 hours a day - happily. We were each others' everything. In a few weeks, we would have had our 10 year anniversary. My daughter is off at college, and so it is just me now, and the loneliness is the most excruciating thing. Along with here, there is another site called Widowed Village (www.widowedvillage.org) which is quite large --- a little too large for my reclusive self -- but there are all sorts of groups to join that are for people of certain ages as well as groups based on the year that your partner died. I know they have in-person events as well, again, not my thing or interest, I can barely stand a crowd of 10. But I hope if you check it out that you still come here too! This is an amazingly wonderful and supportive group. As for your question how we go on... that is why we are here, I think... we are all figuring out that one, one day at a time, one post at a time, together. I don't think there is one way that lasts, it is whatever gets us through. Nine years ago I had kidney cancer. After my surgery recovery, it took me years to be able to really talk about it and incorporate that into who I was because I was ashamed of it, somehow. Like I was damaged. It finally went away after many, many years. There may be men on the dating sites that would shy away from you because you are a widow, but if they do, they are not the ones who would be right for you anyway! I met Ron on an online dating site. On my profile, it said, "I live on Maui, and I'm not moving!" I'm sure that drove a lot of men away from responding, but it also drove the one man that was for me TO respond. He was always drawn to Hawaii since he was a little boy, and it was meant to be from that point on. Take care, Patty 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gin Posted October 30, 2016 Report Share Posted October 30, 2016 Laurie, Glad you found us, but sorry for the reason you are here. We are each on our own terrible journey, but always here for each other. My husband has been gone about one year and it is so hard. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rdownes Posted October 30, 2016 Report Share Posted October 30, 2016 Laurie welcome to the group I am turning 46 in December my loss is not as far along as yours I lost my husband of 26 years on May 17 2016 Age really has nothing to do with it in my opinion to loss your soulmate at any age devastates you when I first came here I thought the same thing but I have found that regardless of age we are all feeling the same emptiness, loneliness and longing for our soulmates I don't know how I make it through some days are so hard I just want to rip out my heart but everyday I somehow make it through another day with this pain in my heart that never goes away I think it is Kevin's love that keeps me going I think that everyone is capable of loving more than one person and yes it would be different you need to do what is right for you in this journey for me only Kevin has my heart and soul. If only we could get the answer to the "why" question but we never will and even if we knew why it would not ease our pain I hope you find comfort here and know we understand your pain. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marie Lee Posted October 31, 2016 Report Share Posted October 31, 2016 Hi Laurie, I just turned 50 Oct 1..lost my hubby this past June, I was 49. We were hit by a semi ..I lived, he did not. I don't know how we go on living w/o them...we just do, live...or some semblance thereof...sometimes I feel as if I just exist.. I miss companionship and will probably date again. I don't expect to find another Kev...but a good frd would be nice. The online dating thing will be an interesting journey as I have never done that. I met Kevin when I was 19 and was married to him for almost 29 yrs...our anniversary was Sept. So sorry for your loss, we greet you with a warm, group hug..we are here for one another to get through this awful, awful time..no easy way to do it. I know I am changing. My relationships have changed. I think people feel awkward..I get it...it makes me wonder how I make people feel now that I see how it is in this side of things... I wish you love and laughter , Marie. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted October 31, 2016 Report Share Posted October 31, 2016 Hi Everyone, I am so grateful for all of your replies and your stories... it really does mean a lot. After I told my MIL, Lynn, that I'd joined this forum, she asked me the same thing -- or, rather said the same thing that you all are saying. Why does the age thing matter so much to me? I suppose it's because Robert was so young -- 38... and maybe I'm more angry because his life was cut short, and, because we didn't have a whole lot of time together as other people who've been married longer than us (we got married in 2011). I don't know if that makes sense or not... but it makes sense to me. You all have definitely opened my eyes and that's a good thing, by sharing your stories about yourselves and your husbands. A bit of background about how I lost my husband: Robert contracted a Staph infection sometime in November 2011. He really started going downhill right around Thanksgiving; in fact, Lynn and I took him to the Emergency Room the Sunday after Thanksgiving. He had the best Internist in town "working his case" and after 10 days in the hospital (the first time) they thought they had the infection beat, even though Robert was still very, very weak. He really should've never come home that first time -- and if I'd known how sick he was, I would've made him stay (he desperately wanted to come home, of course). He went to the hospital twice more -- and the third time, he didn't leave. I was with him in the ICU the night he passed... they had to call a Code Blue on him because he went into Cardiac Arrest @ 2:00 a.m. and he never regained consciousness again. He stopped breathing on his own the next morning @ 10:00 a.m. I'd already signed the papers to "let him go peacefully", but he ended up going on his own -- his Mom holding his hands and me draped over him, both of us in utter shock. The Internist I mentioned earlier was called to the room because Robert had been his patient and he had tears rolling down his cheeks... and he hugged Lynn and me so tightly and he kept saying, "I can't believe this happened". Even after the autopsy report was done and explained to us, there were never any definitive answers as to the exact reason Robert died. His liver was shot and he would've had to have had a transplant; there was a giant tear in his aorta (which could've happened when he arrested); his brain (his beautiful, intelligent brain) had suffered several mini-strokes. Thank God Robert didn't know how sick he was -- I am always thankful for that. I only wish that Lynn and I had known... his death wouldn't have maybe been so shocking... I guess we'll never know. The doctors who performed the autopsy said that it "appeared" that he had Auto-Immune "issues" -- again, we'll never know for sure what caused his liver to deteriorate at the pace it did. The first year was extremely difficult for me -- I was ANGRY at the world. It's simply amazing to me how people (even "close friends") just drop you -- very few people checked in with me, talked to me, and some even un-friended me on Facebook. Can you believe that?!? Lynn and I always say they think "death is catching" and they can't face it. I lost my Dad at a young age (I was 25 and he was 60), and I lost my beloved Grandparents (they were both 90 -- very cool), so I had some experience with death. I don't know... losing Robert was just so different. But of course it was... he was my Love. My best friend. I am doing better now, almost two years into this. Lynn and I know that Christmas will be difficult for many, many years to come as he was sick the entire month of December (it was also his birthday month) and the holidays are always hard, of course, for anyone who has lost someone. I started getting really depressed last October as the year mark was approaching and I'm starting to feel it again now... but the pain isn't quite as acute, I must admit. The memories of him (not the electronic or digital kind -- I can't always bring myself to look at him and hear his voice) will always be there in my mind; however, now, they are just a tad blurry (just a tad) and I can call them up and not feel such pain. So, I guess this is progress? LOL. Thank you again for replying and sharing your stories with me. I am thankful for each and every one. BTW -- I don't have any children. We just didn't "make it there", unfortunately. I do, however, have a BEAUTIFUL Cat, named Victoria. I named her that in honor of a beloved cat of Robert's named Victor who passed in 2006. Robert ADORED Victoria. He "found her"... she was at our Vet's office in late summer of 2010 and he called me and told he'd fallen in love with her. She's polydactyl and Robert was saying "She's HAS THUMBS BABE, THUMBS!" I said, "Babe, GET HER!" without ever even seeing her. His voice was all I needed to hear. <3 XOXOXO Here are a couple photos: Robert and me, April 2014 and my precious Victoria Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marie Lee Posted October 31, 2016 Report Share Posted October 31, 2016 Victoria is lovely, I have a Boston Terrier that helps gets me through ..her name is Lulu Bell :-) ..Kev loved her too! Now she and Mason are best buds as predicted by grandpa...here's a pic of lulu bell.. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted October 31, 2016 Report Share Posted October 31, 2016 Lulu Bell -- great name! Sharp looking dog, too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 31, 2016 Report Share Posted October 31, 2016 Laurie, Welcome to this site...although I am very sorry for your reason in being here. My husband and I were in our mid forties when we met, it was as if we'd spent our lives looking for each other and when we met, we clicked, we knew we were soulmates. That was 19 years ago, it's been eleven years since he passed, although it is hard for me to believe I've survived this that long. There is another site that has a lot of young widows, some in their 20s (http://forums.grieving.com/index.php?/), although they have some older ones too. I think the experience of a younger person is unique in that often death occurred before they got to have kids, or perhaps they have young children to raise alone...but also, their friends do not relate as death is not a part of their life's experience yet. My husband was 51 and I was 52 when he died, and even then, my friends did not relate...they disappeared instead. I think many of our feelings are similar, regardless of ages, but you might want to try both sites and see where you feel most comfortable at. At this one we seem more like a family and tend to continue coming here, but at the other one the feel is different, so it's just a matter of personal preference. At any rate, I hope you find the help you are looking for, and again, I'm so sorry for your loss. It's the hardest thing I've ever been through. I, too, feel my animals give my life great meaning and they have been my incentive to keep going when otherwise it would have been hard to find. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WolfsKat Posted October 31, 2016 Report Share Posted October 31, 2016 Hello Laurie.....and welcome. Your cat Victoria is beautiful....and I'm sure she is a source of comfort for you, as mine are to me. My husband and I both adored cats, and both of our "boys" were rescues. I know they miss "dad"....but they do give me affection and give me "someone" to talk to, strange as I may sound! Here's a pic of our Mandrake, un-posed.....I really DID find him doing this (and he was not supposed to be on the table, the brat!). 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JJ660 Posted November 2, 2016 Report Share Posted November 2, 2016 Hi Laurie, My situation is a little different, but maybe we can relate. I wasn't married yet, but I lost my boyfriend to suicide earlier this year. It was completely unexpected, as we had major plans coming up, including the birth of our daughter. I currently attend SOSL support groups, and have met some wonderful individuals who understand the complicated Web of grief. Have you attended a bereavement group in your area? Other than that, I navigate each day as they come. I participate in suicide awareness walks, I actively discuss veteran suicide (my BF was the third suicide for me in a year) and try to help others. I'm not at the point where I am ready to date, but I do understand your lonliness. You're welcome to message me or email me anytime. It really helps to talk about it, and to meet others who are going through the same at such a young age. I wish you the best in your healing journey. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iPraiseHim Posted November 2, 2016 Report Share Posted November 2, 2016 Welcome, Laurie. I hope you find what you are seeking. I hope we all find what we are seeking. I am only 61 and yet can relate to your posts. Loneliness is a tough issue for the grief and deep loss we have all experienced. This place is a warm refuge where people here relate, care, and share. Thank you for sharing your grief with us and let us know how we can support you in your journey. - Shalom 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JackieI Posted November 27, 2016 Report Share Posted November 27, 2016 Hi, Laurie...I lost my husband/best friend in Feb of this year. We knew each other since middleschool . Together for 34yrs and the pain seems to be getting worse. The tears come more everyday, I have trouble explaining this to those that are fortunate to still have their spouses. I feel like Im suffocating sometimes. I have tried online dating but feel I'm too much to deal with since I'm a widow not a divorcee. It seems so unfair but it is true. Also being preyed upon by men that go after your vulnerability is horrible. It is a very cruel world out there sometimes. I never thought Id be back into this dating game again in my lifetime. I am only 54yrs old and I agree the silence and loneliness is torture sometimes. Thank you for you post because it truly hit home with me. I know we will all make it through this put places like this help tremendously. I will be continuing on this journey with the help of others and my children & grandchildren but I pray I will find peace and someone to enjoy the rest of my life with. I will also continue to read the posts from here to help me. Thank you again and may you find happiness also. JACKIE 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Patty65 Posted November 27, 2016 Report Share Posted November 27, 2016 Those are beautiful pics, Laurie! Jackiel, welcome to our family here. I am sorry for the reason... I too lost my husband in February. Dealing with how everyone around us in our day to day lives comes second only to the lonliness and ache and grief and devastation to all the rest of the time. We find tiny snippets in peace talking with those who truly get it, and allow us to be where we are at this moment, and sometimes that is hard to find, and sometimes it is hard to reach out for, at least for me. I hope you find friendships and support here from all of us who understand all the extremes as we all navigate this new world without the one person we need the most to help us steer. Take care, Patty 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted November 27, 2016 Report Share Posted November 27, 2016 Jackie, Welcome here. I am sorry you also lost your husband. I was one of those women preyed upon...I remarried after my husband's death, but my new husband never lived with me, instead he used my credit for over $50,000, quit his job, went into hiding with a young woman, in our new motor home that I never got to spend one night in but I had to pay for. It was a true nightmare, I had to get a divorce and will be paying on those debts until I am 80. I do not date, I have chosen to count it good with my deceased husband, which is what I should have done to start with instead of trying to rebuild my life after loss. I'm not saying that's what you should do, or anyone else, but I've found this is better for me. Yes, it can be a scary world out there. My husband, George, cherished me, I never dreamed anyone could do to me what the next one did. You will find this is a safe place to be heard and understood, and I hope you will continue to come here and read and post. We'll be here to go through your journey with you if you want us to. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marie Lee Posted November 29, 2016 Report Share Posted November 29, 2016 Jackie, I have found online dating, odd...I think it is different as a widow maybe... Not sure of my direction in that area.. I enjoyed a good laugh with friends about dating at this age lol! I guess it's good to try new things ;-) Kay, so sorry to hear of your experience... Tks for sharing...it keeps me mindful. Hugs , Marie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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