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Girlfriend wants break after her brother died in may this year


Wil

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Need advice please, have been best friends with my girlfriend for 12 years, we have same outdoor interests and always got along like house on fire, we saw each other through the end of controlling relationships and grew closer. I grew through knowing her to realise she was as beautiful inside as she is outside.  About 4 years ago I realised i really loved her for all the right reasons, when after time she told me she felt the same my heart broke with happiness, she was indeed the one for me. We talk about everything and deal with all issues through talking and consensus of opinion. I cant honestly remember when weve ever parted on bad terms. She has two teenage daughters living with her and ive always agreed they come first so  our relationship revolves pretty much around their lives. I was fine with that i willingly accepted them all as a package.  Interference from her former husband into our lives was constant when he realised we were an item to the extent that i had to take legal action after he started to say horrible cruel things about me and trying to undermine me to his kids. It got to the stage they even asked me why did he hate me so much and say bad things about me? I always replied neutrally to placate them i had no issues with him. I think to some degree thats why we have not moved in together to save the kids being used as pawns by him. When my dad passed in 2014 she was my rock and did everything right, i loved her even more. Her dad had numerous medical problems we resolved them together on  occassion i spent nights at hospital with him to allow her to rest. Every stress which confronted us we dealt with through talking then dealing in a unified way. Her brother passed in may this year and we travelled to his funeral.Again we talked when she needed and i listened when she needed. Over last few months i have spent much more time on my own with fewer invites to do everyday stuff with them, i went along as i thought thats what she needed. Time together was as normal so i belived i was doing the right thing and giving her space i beleved she needed. Two kids and a dad in a care home i understood her pressures. My work load went haywire overnight and my only solace was her, either texting or spending couple hours here or there. Sometimes though I've felt alone in a relationship.  Bout five wks ago her brothers ashes came home and when she asked if it was okay for just family, her, her dad and kids to bury the ashes, i have to say i was deeply hurt but kept responses low key and let her know i would respect her wishes if thats what she wanted. Inside i was crushed i thought i was part of the family and this was different from how we'd dealt with every other stress scenario, i felt like i was getting a message, probably wrongly. I had always been her go to guy. 50 minutes before the burial of the ashes she texted to ask if i wanted to go with them to do so. I couldnt have done so in time so wished her all the best hoping she got peace and comfort from the event and some closure for her and her family.Week or so later we had time alone and i told her how i was feeling about not seeing them,asking to be he more included  in stuff.Thats all ive ever wanted, to be there.Talks were okay and enquired her reason and thoughts for not wanting me there, she didnt think it was a big deal but was sorry i was hurt, she thought i couldn't be bothered spending time with them.  She was always telling me of the running about she was doing after her kids and dad and and wasnt inviting me so like i say i thought i was honouring her wishes and giving space. Next couple of weekends were great and felt we and she were fine, parting with her telling me how much she loved me and I her.  Two weeks ago i asked to see if they wanted to do anything, her responses via text didnt answer my suggestion and if im honest i felt that i was getting brush off. I phoned and she pretty much said she just wanted to he with them after return from holiday with their dad, i asked to go over but to spend time and see her and kids, she said yeah but then admitted she wanted it to be her and them for that weekend. We chatted bout recent talks to spend more time together she said, if she had time after her visit to her dad on sunday she would stop by. It never happened.  I spoke with her on the evening and eventually talks got back to internment of the ashes and she said i didnt really know her brother and we werent living together so it wasnt a big thing?  I asked if that meant the relationship wasnt regarded as serious then and she aplogised saying she didnt really know what she was saying. The next part stuns and haunts me... The admission she wasnt sure how she felt and wanting a break. My world collapsed. After we talked a little more she admitted that she had been feeling this on and off for months and as we hadnt been seeing much of each other she didnt think i could be bothered.  I tried to clear this up, this really wasnt the case, i spent weeks waiting on call or invitation to be with them before we cleared the air but it often didnt happen. She couldnt telll me if she was in love with me but also wasn't sure if she wanted us over. Really confusing.i didnt want this but tried to agree and work out perameters of the break in terms of contact. I spoke with her in person next day and her body language was pretty cool/cold with little emotion. I agreed to no contact. I saw her at work two days later and seeing her almost broke me.so made excuses and left. She texted that nite wishing me a good nite, the text caused me to break into floods of tears so i texted lettig her know it was nice to hear from her and wishing her the same. Thinking lines of communication were open i sent similar textd the next day ignored completely. I was using text to try put my feelings down in words to try understand and i ended up sending it. We spoke on the phone for a short while and i suggested counselling for us both, for me to understand how to help and more importantly to give her the support she may need to help her through her journey and maybe further down the line go together to see if we could work on stuff together.  She would think about it was the only response. She agreed she would keep lines of communication open.The week previous i was was really really lost without being able to see her so i thought i would send big bouquet of flowers while i was away with work to let her know i cared. They arrived two days after the last call with the message, thinking of you, love mr mysterious (something i would use valentines day) she thanked me via very very short text, that was the last i heard from her a week ago. Many may chastise me for not backing off completely and i understand your rationale for doing so, i havent contacted her in any way and wait for her to initiate communication now. I worry about her all the time and miss her so much it hurts, dont know how to deal with this.  Its not about me i know, she has to negotiate her own path through this which i fully respect in her own time, just so helpless and useless and going stir crazy.

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Hi, welcome to this site, it helps to have a safe place to go to.  I am sorry for what you are experiencing, I know how hard it can be.  It sounds like you have some communication problems between the two of you that counseling could help with, but of course it takes both wanting to do that.  Maybe you could see a counselor on your own to get some guidance on how to proceed?  If she wants no contact, then it's best to honor her wishes, although that's really hard.  However, she texted you after saying no contact, so that gives you a mixed message and that makes it really confusing.  If her contacting you is unsettling, you may have to break off all avenues of contact (block phone, email, FB) but of course I understand that is not what you want, yet eventually you may have to do what is best for YOU and end the confusion and being yanked around emotionally...it's too hard to do indefinitely.

It is very hard when a griever breaks off a relationship that was previously serious and good.  Sometimes we have to accept what we don't like though.  Right now, I hope you can spend some time with family and friends and focus on yourself.  Trust me, I know how hard it is to do that, but that may be what's needed.  

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Thank you for taking time to reply,friends have advised the same, just don't want to give up without a fight. I have told her that and she knows how i feel. She is so calm and gentle, quiet and shy and after years of subjugation by a former partner she tends to feel "there is no point" in voicing how she feels, i have spent all my time encouraging her to express opinions and feelings because what she says is important and valued. My fear is that she will bottle up what is happening as it is easier rather than speaking to a professional.I hope she does speak to someone even if that means she doesnt want me in the end, thats why i worry if i back away to much. Wish in some respects she could see this to let her know she is a special soul. I have to respect wishes though, difficult to do.

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And yet in not accepting her decision, she can view that as disrespectful or overbearing.  It is like walking a tight rope!  It also can be what sends her over the edge, pushing you away finally and completely.  By respecting her choices, it shows you value her feelings, which in turn could lead to friendship in the future.  Right now she's not in her best clarity of mind but one thing is for sure, grievers can be very sensitive and reactive.

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I take on board your point I do feel i'm walking a tightrope and after reading so many posts on forums it seems inevitable that the people posting them end up emotionally broken and alone despite respecting wishes of their loved ones.

I have never been clingy or insecure but now feel a whole raft of emotions which truely overwhelm me. Grieving for someone who is still with us whom i love dearly and only want the best for. Its hard to let go of something you have loved for so long. Its all consuming and affects work and every attempt i make to distract myself .Yet i don't want to give up on someone I love so much. So any questions and frustrations and know one to answer them. This feels like purgatory to me or death by a thousand cuts. Hence im reaching out on a forum to people i don't personally know. Better than bottling it up or passing these feelings to my beloved. Feel so desperate and confused. 

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Am i wrong in worrying that she may never seek the help and assistance to help her process what is going on, to some this may feel possessive and overbearing,  like i say if she didnt want the relationship in the end i could eventually live with that as long as her beautiful soul wasn't being lost in a fog because she wasn't reaching out. All the choices she has to decide on and all in her own timeframe i fully understand. 

Am i wrong in thinking that she truely doesn't want me or the relationship now but is separating in degrees because she doesn't have the strength at the moment to deal with ending things? These are just some of the random thoughts which stop me from eating sleeping and functioning normally.

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I don't think it seems possessive or overbearing to anyone else but it may strike HER that way at some point. 

Your emotions I totally get, I've been there. :(  You are not wrong in your thinking these things because when you read all of the posts in this section, and you feel the things you're feeling, it looks like it's pointing to it.  This is why I say you can't go on like this, you will have to, at some point, put your needs as priority, because being yanked around emotionally is so hard on you.  What are your family and friends telling you?  Yes, it does feel like death by a thousand cuts.  It will feel that way until you reach acceptance of the situation as it is and begin to allow yourself to heal.

I really wish there was some way you could communicate with her, but that's the catch...when they don't want to, when they are grieving, it turns them into a different person than they were, and sometimes it just makes no sense.  It feels like it comes out of nowhere and hits you like a Mack truck.

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Thank you for listening to my ramblings i know i cant make anyone love me or influence their feelings. 

I question now have i been kidding myself about how well we communicate? 

I always felt committed couples dealt with everything together even when things get tough. Thats what builds the connection commitment and love bond.  Not bail out on each other. Much as you described in your original posts. 

At this moment i dont know where or if i fit into her future and I just need something back to give me some hope. Trying to be strong and give space but love and miss her so much life without her is filling me with dread ? 

I know that I have to get a grip. Thank you for listening its good to get this out.

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3 hours ago, Wil said:

I always felt committed couples dealt with everything together even when things get tough.

 

They do.  Jim and I had been engaged for a year when he broke up with me, when his mom was dying.  It made me question everything I'd thought I knew about him and our relationship.  I wondered, did he not mean the things he'd said?  Was it not as good as I'd thought it was?  I will never know.  Perhaps it was partly that and the grief was the straw that broke it.  He denies it, he says he meant everything he said to me, but he sure threw me overboard in an instant!  That's not the kind of relationship I'd want to go through life with someone.  My late husband, George, adored me.  He NEVER would have done this to me!  We could count on each other through thick and thin.  I've never had another relationship besides that one that was so perfect for me.  We clicked, connected, communicated super well, were totally committed to our relationship and each other, and loved each other through and through.  

Come here as much as you want, voice yourself.  It doesn't matter if it's repetitious, it helps to get it out, have a place to vent, to express yourself.  This is the most bewildering and hurtful thing!  It's different than death or divorce in that you thought you were in a wonderful long term relationship with the whole future ahead of you and suddenly got the rug pulled out from under you.  In a divorce, the anger can fuel your getting over them and moving on, but in this, you still care about the person and they're in a vulnerable place, so it's hard to be mad, more like you're concerned for them.  Although the anger can come later.  With death, the person didn't choose to abandon you, you still feel married, it's just they aren't there anymore.  All three scenarios have similarities, yet differences.  Death grief goes on and on, the rest of your life, although it changes form and the intensity lessens as you begin to adjust.  The worst of my breakup with Jim was the first few months, I cried buckets of tears, couldn't sleep, my mind wouldn't stop going, I couldn't understand how he could do this to me, even in grief.  I've grieved, I would never throw away my loved ones in my grief!  I had the opposite problem, when George died, my friends all disappeared!

Grief is the hardest thing in the world to go through, the toughest thing to process, but it can be gotten through.  I've been through it...many times.

 

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You have pretty much summarised the confusion and sense of loss i feel just now. I dont want to lose her and want to be part of the solution and not the problem,  will have to consider which i am before my mental health becomes affected. This isnt about me but it effects me, want to support but not be in the way. I feel out of sight and out of mind. Just long for some kind of acknowledgement and hope.

I have to ask, all advice is to back off and hope, does anyone who has been dealing with similar wish they hadn't waited in hope for long periods and had given request to partners to allow them to help or to otherwise release them from their emotional bond and commitment far earlier. Leaving the door open for them once they have learned to process their situations and grief. It does seem that the persons posting eventually end up emotionally hurt and without their loved one in most cases despite giving love and respect and waiting for the same in return? 

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Broke after over a wk of no contact and texted hope you're okay thinking of you xx she texted back I'm okay hope you're ok x made me weep with joy at hearing from her. Fighting the will to do it all the time dont want her to think ive forgotten her. Probably wrong thing to do and slightly nervous now,  love her so much its hard not to do

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On 11/6/2016 at 1:37 PM, Wil said:

I have to ask, all advice is to back off and hope, does anyone who has been dealing with similar wish they hadn't waited in hope for long periods and had given request to partners to allow them to help or to otherwise release them from their emotional bond and commitment far earlier. Leaving the door open for them once they have learned to process their situations and grief. It does seem that the persons posting eventually end up emotionally broken and alone in most cases despite giving love and respect and waiting for the same in return? 

Hello Wil~

I am one of the ones on this site who is currently going through the "no contact" phase.  In my case my BF just stopped calling - ghosting me as it were - with no explanation.  I haven't tried to reach him since April and still have not heard from him.  For all intents and purposes it's clear he doesn't want me in his life any longer and yes, it hurts.  But who knows what will happen down the road.  I can only assume it was his grief that caused this uncharacteristic behavior in him and hopefully one day we can discuss it. In the meantime I have been taking care of myself the best I can and simply take it one step at a time.  In the beginning it was most difficult, but over time I've gotten back to my life without him. I too find it hard to be angry with him, although I've had my moments.  I simply hope that he's doing what he needs to do to grieve the loss of his mother and eventually will miss me enough to reach out.  But I'm not holding my breath. We can't help people who don't want our help. :)

I am so sorry you're going through this as well.  As they say, put your own oxygen mask of first, and make sure you're taking care of yourself. I truly believe the rest will fall into place.

 

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I don't have any regrets.  I think we have to balance OUR needs with THEIR needs, we care and want to be supportive but we can't sit on the sidelines waiting indefinitely and lose our self-respect in the process as they disregard us.  It's a fine line and a balancing act.  That's why it's important to focus on yourself.  it protects your love for them before it's destroyed by their neglect, that is another reason it's recommended to go completely no contact.  That goes against our grain, it's so easy to grasp at straws, but we don't want it to turn us into desperate people either.

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Folks, thank you, after another week of virtually no sleep I'm not thinking straight any more.  I pushed it to far again and texted more saying "lost without you just want to hold you and make you feel safe and secure" which to her probably reads Ive told him im not sure how i feel and hes trying to smother me!! I just don't think i can do this for too long. Guess i just trying to say im still here!!  And thats about me and insecurity and not about helping her which is wrong, the weekends are the worst  hill walked and ran but worrying and thinking of her all the time. Folks your advice and insight are well intended and well meant, i mean no disrespect with my last question.  F im sorry if im smothering you this is pulling my heart out x

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Wil,

Try not to be so hard on yourself.  We give this advice because we know how this goes, we've been there.  I've read each and every post in this section.  Of all of these relationships, I only recall one of them surviving intact as a couple.  I consider mine a success story because we built a friendship, even though we didn't make it as a "couple".  Friends is good.  Some people aren't able to do that, I'm glad we were able to though.  

Your insecurity has plenty of basis.  If we were just our brains, you could follow the script and do all the "right things", but we have emotions, and the emotional part of us wants connection, wants to help, wants response!  Unfortunately, it has the adverse affect.  This is very hard and knowing that even if you did everything perfect, you'd still likely be out in the cold, well that's damn hard.  Most of us reassure ourselves later that at least we tried our best, what else can we do?  Not much.

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time.

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Thank you. I always appreciate and respect  honesty.  Up and down on a Roller-coaster i cant get off yet, hope is all i have will cling on to it a while longer.  I genuinely appreciate having an outlet in which to release amoungst fair minded non judgemental people. Regards Wil

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After another rejection i am beginning to accept that perhaps I and we have reached the end. Never thought this scenario was ever possible between us.  I genuinely believed i would end my days with her and them.Deeply saddened and distressed but small sense of reality setting in as hope disappears. How can someone i loved so dearly  and deeply over such a long time treat me as though i'm invisible.  I don't know now if decisions to blank me are intentional or through emotional trauma. Keep giving benefit of the doubt because i belive she would not willingly try to hurt me.I helped her through separation from a manipulative and controlling ex husband and tried to nurture a belief that she should express opinion and feelings as they were valued and important. Believed we had the most  loving open and communicative relationship i had ever had in my adult life, I think sometimes now i have been deluding myself. I witnessed how she stone walled, ignored and refused to speak with her former husband after he left the former family home, albeit much he had brought upon himself through percieved infidelity and obstinate way he protracted the separation. This way of dealing with things now appear to be extending to me, she agreed to keeping lines of communication open and asked for numerous weeks without seeing me but has ignored attempt to allow us to try to spend time to have fun  or at least catch up without having to talk, giving me no acknowledgement of any sort. Personally i went through emotional hell to get to where we are with the hurtful things said by him about me but stuck in there because of how i loved her and her children. I worked hard and achieved a loving bond for them but this does not seem to matter. I miss them as though they were my own children and it hurts so bad. I have finally sat in front of a counsellor to see how i can help her, to find i need to make a journey of my own to resolve insecurities and fragilities i didnt know i carried. She appears to have not done so sofar and from what i can gather 'appears' to be going on as normal but i suspect is in denial.  How do i help if i am not allowed even to listen, and how from my current position of exclusion encourage her to seek help which may help her going forward,  with or without me. 

She asked for a break but it feels like break up and exclusion in all but name, all i need was some small olive branch to keep me sane and willing to keep going.It feels like its when an not if i am excluded permanently now.

I have taken steps to try give me skills to make me more at ease with the world by enlisting for classes on yoga and mindfulness (hopefully)  I have realised i have been an insomniac and stressed for many years, i have only ever felt at peace with the world and slept properly with my beautiful F.  sleeping behind me, there must be a reason for this which i must explore.  There must be a reason why my "go to guy" exterior which made me feel valued also seem to make people feel they can do as they wish with me.I try hard to help and put myself in circumstances where i am over extended time and time again in the belief i make a difference but end up stressed and somtimes hurt.

I have recently spent more time with her father upon request from him allowing him to visit the area where his son is laid to rest and listen, talk as he needs, weep and grieve to process his feelings. This is my strength and reason for being. It makes me feel self worth and honour that he feels comfort in doing so with me. I am hopeful this will continue no matter what happens with his daughter

I just wish she would give same opportunity to herself or try to seek professional help for her.

Sorry had to get this out. Ran ten miles today but weekends always the worst.

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14 hours ago, Wil said:

I think sometimes now i have been deluding myself.

I know that feeling all too well!  But he insists that what we'd had was real. I don't claim to understand any of this any more than you do.  It can make a person feel they are crazy.

14 hours ago, Wil said:

I have finally sat in front of a counsellor to see how i can help her, to find i need to make a journey of my own to resolve insecurities and fragilities i didnt know i carried.

This is the best thing you can do.  I always advise that someone focus on themselves during this time as you can't control what does or doesn't take place with her.

14 hours ago, Wil said:

 How do i help if i am not allowed even to listen, and how from my current position of exclusion encourage her to seek help which may help her going forward,  with or without me. 

You can't.  She has excluded you.  Since you can do nothing about that, it's best to focus on YOU right now.

14 hours ago, Wil said:

I have taken steps to try give me skills to make me more at ease with the world by enlisting for classes on yoga and mindfulness (hopefully)

That's what I'm talkin' about! :)  You are exploring things about yourself and working on yourself, that is the best thing for you right now!

Exercise is also good, it relieves stress, helps us feel better, and helps our bodies in the process!

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KayC thank you for the support as always. Much appreciated.  I just long for positive outcome, honesty and to be let in and either loved or released. Wish i could let her know its good and healthy to grieve,  but its also okay to live, this is what her brother would wish for her. Its what i wish for her too x.

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I'm afraid she'll have to find her own way, that was her choice.  I'm glad you're focusing on you...I know it's hard.

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Shock of all shocks, my beloved F contacted me on the phone tonight, to thank me for taking her father out. We chatted briefly and she is still unsure if we can work going forward, her feelings are still mixed up. Feels she is being unfair on me asking me to wait. Have agreed to let her work on things in her own way and time with her instigating communication and possibly meet to run or walk at some point in the future. All ifs buts and maybe's. The acknowledgement has me walking on air in tears at the same time. Got to aplogise for taking personally her decision to bury  her brothers ashes without me, she wanted no fuss event which wasnt a slight on me. Offered acknowledge of the number of stresses on her emotions and well being and let her realise i acknowledge why she is emotionally spent just now and needs and deserves to spend time on her. At least i know she is okay just now. This was all i needed for now. The lord sure does work in mysterious ways x

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Wil,

I understand how you must be feeling cautiously optimistic, I hope it doesn't yank your heart around only to throw it down again, but I also understand your wanting to take any crumb you can get...don't mean to sound degrading, that's just how I felt when I was going through it.  I honestly hope the best possible outcome.  No matter what happens, it will turn out for the best, I truly believe that and that's what I feel happened in my case.  I'd love nothing more than for you to be the second couple here to make it through this.  Such a hard path to walk!

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Nuther week, no contact, appears i am invisible again.She visits her dad and shops all right next to me and would have always stopped to say hello have tea or big hug. Lord how i miss that. , really worried for her, been told shes losing weight, just don't know what to do to help, hope she finds path through the mist and realises its good to grieve, but its okay to live and be loved, hopefully by me. If i can hang in there. Doing all i can to distract myself but struggling to eat. Sleep and keep going , as you rightly say such a hard path to follow. Thanks for listening x

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Its all over. When my F asked me for break many weeks ago i let her know i was taking time off from work 26th November,  asking to meet or do somthing with her, with the kids, she completely ignored this, i wrote in my journal i have been writing last few months, she is going to finish with me on this date, call it instinct. I have been asked 3 times since then to remain on a break with contact instigated by her. Through emotional and mental and physical turmoil i have felt, i have reached out to her on a couple of occasions.Primarily because of my longing to see her and her kids who she encouraged me to bond with and love. This has been rebuked and I have been engineered out of their lives. Chance encounter today led to talks, for months i believed she would never intentionally hurt me by excluding me as described previously. She confirmed today I was out of their lives and she did not want me part of it.  I offered to help domestically,  practically and supportively even offering to pay for counselling after she conceded she feels she may be depressed. All rebuked,  i was not part of their future. She happier not having to consider me.She let me know she had planned to end us on 26th November. Why put me on a break, through this  even though she had opportunities to end it. No explanation,  discussions or place for me. Why put us through this when my gut was right at the start of the break that this was her intention. So cold so distant and emotionless. I dont know this person and have asked her to talk to someone to let the beautiful person i love back out. I tried to let her know good and healthy to grieve but its okay to live.  Her brother would want this and for her to live on. No impact. I have told her i will respect her wishes and if she eventually works through this i will leave door open for her to contact me. I will not contact her again now, i cant I'm spent and burned out now and have nothing left. This is so wrong and ended for wrong reasons,  my life has been changed and decided upon without my consent or involment. My heart knows now there will be no return.  Why cant people just be honest. Goodbye F, will love you forever x

Reality is now my companion. To those considering breaks/ break ups following loss, please just be honest with those that love you, the journey and path you take to heal is yours to take, but your decisions affect them to.

Dear all thank you for your time and wisdom, appreciated x 

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