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Happy Birthday Mark


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Today would have been Mark's 55th birthday...and I miss him as much today as the day he died, two years ago on Sunday, December 4.  Two years ago I went from the highest of high, first celebrating a successful staff luncheon that my darling husband helped me prepare for, and was beaming with pride for all the work I had done, to a small but very warm birthday celebration with his mom; a simple steak dinner and his favorite cheesecake dessert...to the completely devastating, sudden and unexpected death that Thursday morning.  The sadness is not as intense this year.  I've had a year's worth of practice to keep the emotions just under the surface.  I still wanted to take time to seclude myself away for a bit, to let the memories flow freely, both happy and sad.  I feel the same, familiar energy around me that I associate with Mark's presence.  I have felt it growing stronger the closer December came.  We are expecting some very bad weather this weekend; a good chance to immerse myself in the things I wish to do.  I continue to write, which leads to sorting through the feelings and emotions.  I I fight the feeling of wanting the one thing that I can NEVER have; the return of my wonderful Mark...the light of my life.  I don't talk about how much I miss him, because that never lessens the least little bit.  I have daily distractions that help it not be the only thing to focus on.  Two years have come, and gone...and I still cannot believe it.  Time both moves ahead, and stays in place simultaneously. I smile when I think of the surprise party I threw for him on his 50th birthday, how he ruined the surprise by was completely blown away at my ability to pull it off; he had NO clue.  I loved seeing him soaking up all the attention from family and friends...I loved giving him that moment (does that sound a little selfish?).  It gave me GREAT joy to see him happy, and loving his life.  I know I had something to do with that.  But he did the same for me.  We were so perfect for each other, both so ready to lose ourselves in a love that we both had waited for, for our entire lives.  Two years ago he was still alive, and reveling in the moments.  He was living and breathing...laughing and smiling and, oh yes, TALKING to anyone who would listen how proud he was of his wife.  I know he left this Earth a man who had found contentment.  I only wish I could have had more time.  We loved each other every single minute we were together, and NEVER took that for granted.  It is a blessing for me that I have no regrets in that regard.  He left me so suddenly, that I did not get to tell him goodbye.  But I wouldn't have said GOODBYE.  Just one more I Love You to add to the collection.  The pain of no longer having him is like a sharp knife against my heart. I'll never be able to turn around quickly and catch him walking around the corner.  These are things I reflect on...two years later.  Happy Birthday, my love.


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What a love story. I'm at just over 21 months and can fully relate to every thought and word you wrote.  We cherished and enjoyed every moment we were together.  It is the happiest, most joyous, fullest period in my life.  I am still adjusting and learning how to live now... post mortem.  My heart and prayers are with you.  - Shalom, George

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Thinking of you today as you reflect on Mark and what a gift he was to you.  You, like me, lost your husband so unexpectedly, and way too young.  My husband's birthday banner was still up when he died five days later at the age of 51, it was a shock.  Your Mark looks healthy just like my husband did, it's hard to understand.  Well I guess we CAN'T understand, some thing just are.  You're in my thoughts...

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