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multiple grief and sorting through it


alittlelost

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I have had my share of losses, the most life changing was when i was 21 and my 17 year old cousin (like a sister to me) and a 19 year old friend died unexpectedly in the same night.
it caused me a lot of pain and some PTSD and years of self medicating.
fast forward to this year full of cumulative grief that I am trying to sort through and looking for people to talk about with who understand.
I have a good support group of friends and family and see a therapist and do lots of self care.
but I am finding it hard to manage the events of 2016 which has been pretty traumatizing.

here is brief synopsis from february-june:
former coworker dies from heroin overdose (27 yr old)
my uncle (godfather) quickly succumbs to brain cancer in march
soon after a doctor discovers a tumor in my bladder, coincidentally 
my ex  and someone from high school (both in their 30's) die of heroin related causes within days of each other (ex's death was very difficult one)
my friend has a massive heart attack and miraculously survives
i have surgery to remove tumor and get diagnosed with cancer
while i am recovering my downstairs neighbor dies of a heroin overdose in the building (21 yr old)
an old friend commits suicide by hanging (41 yr old)
i go away for some R&R and the train to bring me home after a pleasant 4 day trip- a woman jumps in front of it a half mile from the train station to commit suicide
and in september i lost an old artist friend, a mentor of sorts and who was a big support to me over the summer in terms of cancer. he died of cancer.

 needless to say, i am going through many waves of emotion. when my friend hung himself I barely had anything left in me to feel, I was numb. sort of desensitized.
it is hitting me now more so. some I werent' particularly close to but each had a big impact.
I am trying to deal with the whole cancer thing which in itself produces its own forms of grief.
i am lucky that what i have is low grade but I have to be checked for recurrence every 3 months.
so there is a lot of anxiety around that.

I am an artist and I have barely made any art this year and feel crazy without it.
there is so much inside I need to let out and I try not to be too hard on myself when I just dont feel inspired.
I spent the last few days hunkered down at home nesting and watching tv and relaxing cause I feel sad and I know eventually it will lift and I will take photos again and write and draw.
just trying to be gentle with myself.
thanks for listening.
 

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Hi alittlelost, 

You certainly have been surrounded by more death and grief in your life than I have.  I don't know how you manage to be creative when grieving is such a big part of your life.  

I found this is a safe place to come and let your grief out.  It's great to learn that most of the behaviours and feelings that concern us are quite natural during times of grief.  It's also wonderful not be judged and to feel less alone.  

I am interested in learning about your art.  I so miss feeling able to create something.  I am a fabric collector, only because I keep buying but not sewing.  It seems all is great and beautiful in the store but when I get it home the patterns, prints and colours do not give me the same feeling and then I lose interest and put it away.  I want that feeling that I used to get.  

There seems to be a short circuit in my brain since my husband died in January.  We had known each other almost 50 years.  His cat (12 yrs old) passed in that same week.  In September I had to have my horse euthanized: I'd had him 10 years.  My mother-in-law of 37 years died last week.  It has compounded the grief, bring everything back to that very raw feeling.  Her memorial tea is next Monday and I really don't think I can to it.  

Today I was shopping and I purchased special tree ornaments for my son.  They are to commemorate his Dad and his Grandmother.  I realised then how many of my very small family are gone.  It did bring me to tears right there in the store.  Our animals were loved as a part of our family too.  For those that have gone I hope they are reconnected in heaven and are happy being together again.

I'm sorry you have had so much loss in this past year.  It is good that you are being kind to yourself.  I also hope your cancer disappears.

Wishing you some comfort at this time and in the future...

Marita

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alittlelost,

That is a whole lot to digest in such a short span of time!  I'm amazed at so much heroin use around you, when I've never even known anyone who's done it.  Perhaps it's the area you're in.  I'm sorry you're going through so much loss.  It sounds like you are listening to your inner needs and paying heed to them, and that is good.  I hope your creativity continues to spark inside of you and brings you back.

Marita, 

I'm sorry you're going through so much too.  To lose your husband is way more than enough to deal with but then to lose a horse too, that only compounds the loss you're already dealing with, and I'm truly sorry.

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You have had it rough…over a year ago, I lost my husband to a long illness and since then, or even before, I have lost acquaintances, relatives, and even friends of friends to death…plus I moved away from the home where we lived together.  Like you, I’m an artist and a writer so I’ve buried myself in my writing…it has been therapeutic.  I’ve also become involved in helping other people through volunteer opportunities…so, perhaps, since you sound creative, you can journal your losses…plus possibly join organizations like griefshare.org or other support groups that help you through the grief process.

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amstcole,

Welcome, I am sorry for your loss as well.  I've also found it helps to volunteer.

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