Loss Of Faith

[Sally]

I lost my mother to pancreatic cancer on November 14, 2003. She was 75 years old. My sister and I basically took care of her with help from Hospice. I had lost my dad 10 years earlier, and I had had a very spiritual grief process. I had expected much the same, but I have been unpleasantly surprised. This time I was with my Mom when she died, which I was told was very peaceful (by the Hospice nurse). But it was horrible to me for some reason. At least that is how I am remembering it. I think I thought she would say something very profound, or she would see my Dad and say something, but she was totally out of it. She opened her eyes for a few moments and then died. All I seem to feel is anger. I have lost my faith. I don't know what is happening to me. I want some kind of proof that she is ok. She was the kindest, most real person I have ever known. I just can't seem to get my mind around it. I pray all the time, but I don't really believe it is going anywhere, or do I? I don't feel like doing anything. I am not making much sense, I know. Does anyone know what I am talking about?

[Hans]

Hi Sally,

I do know what you are talking about. I lost my mom July 4th and she was 57 years old. I was not there when she died because I had just spent over a week by her side and she was improving so I had to get my family back home, etc. The last couple of days before she died I could not get a hold of her to talk with her. She would not pick up the phone at the Nursing home. She had a lot of her family around her so that is good, but only one person was there when she died and because she wasn't immediate family they kicked her best friend out of the room as my mom passed.

I think I was trained by the movies or something that there would be this final moment of communication with her that I could hold on to forever, but this isn't the movies. The last thing we said to each other though was "I love you".

I am so sorry for you to have lost both your parents. Please take care of yourself and your relationships that you still have. I think this site is great because it lets me know that other people go through the same things as me and vice versa. Every loss we suffer is its own island. You can't compare it to your father's passing.

Take care.

[mermangel0416]

dear sally~

my heart ached as i read your post. my father's death (6 months ago at the age of 72) from colon cancer was the worst experience of my life, and my first time witnessing death. i agree with hans that we are led to believe by movies and literature that the death of someone we love dearly will be marked by a cathartic experience or the legacy of profound last words. neither were the case for me. i was so utterly unprepared for the awkwardness and ugliness of death. my family sat by his (hospice) bedside for 12 days...his wife, six children, spouses and grandchildren.

i said everything i could think of to tell him how i loved him...we have always been a demonstrative and loving family so there were no unspoken words, no unfinished business, but he was incoherent and barely concsious. we were there nealry around the clock...yet he died alone...minutes after one my 2nd oldest brother left. what little faith i had left (after watching him suffer and struggle with pain, degradation and deterioration for a year) was shattered. i still am unable to make any sense out of it spiritually.

i had my first baby in 2002 and felt that it confirmed the existence of a higher power for me...4 weeks later dad was diagnosed with inoperable stage four cancer. i collapsed on the floor of the hospice "quiet" room sobbing "there is no god...there is no god..." little more than a year later. i am choking back tears just thinking about it. all of his suffering can't have been for nothing...but what meaning can be taken from it? and what good god would have chosen such a sweet, decent, gentle and good man to suffer in this way in the first place? and i keep asking myself (the logical over~thinking self) whre is he now? oh, sally. i didn't mean to make this about me, but i wanted you to know i have been struggling with the same questions and emotions. if you want to "talk" i am here...alice

[Sally]

Hans and Alice: I was so happy to read both your responses-not because you are suffering (especially you Alice), but because I felt so connected with others in my grief. This gave me some much needed strength right now. I am still struggling, but I am becoming calmer. I do believe in God in my heart of hearts. I have had too many "miracles" in my life occur, including during my mother's illness. I think that if one believes in the goodness of God, then one will probably face the fact the evil exists too. With that in mind, I think there is a great "discourager" just as there is a great "Encourager" surrounding us at all times. I think that I have been muddled in this discouragement, but I am beginning to lift out of it. God has always been faithful to me, so I will remain faithful to him, even in my moments of great sadness and anger. I think it is ok for us to question His existence when we witness things like death. It is normal. I think death is an ugly thing. In fact, I know it for sure now. That is why eternal life is so special-we know what the opposite is. I hope this is making sense. I am trying to work this all out in my mind, heart and soul as I type these words. I do know that my mother always told me that she could not live without hope. She had great faith-not like some kind of fanatic. She was just so kind and accepting of people. She really believed that we came from something incredibly good. This is her legacy-one I can't turn my back on. I pray for all of you out there who are grieving. God bless you all. Please email me if you want to talk.

[natheldreth]

Hi Sally,

my mom just recently died too, she was only 50 years old, i am 22. i feel that this time in my life has been the time when the Lord has helped me to concentrate solely on Him. Paul says that when strife and calamity hit, it is what puts us on our knees, and makes us closer to the Father. I feel that although we can ask God why he has taken someone or answered in a hard way, he is omniscient, and omnipetent, he is soveriegn, and knows all, so i take heart in knowing that maybe i can use this as my ministry, and testimony. I too, watched my mom die, and i was the last one to say good-bye, i told her that i wanted her to go and be with Jesus, and that was the hardest thing i have ever done in my life. My flesh, wanted me to be selfish and tell her to fight, (she fought for 8 years). but i knew, she had suffered long enough. I feel like the only thing that i have in this world is my Faith in Jesus, i don't have a boyfriend anymore or much family. But i know that i have the comfortor of all comfortors, and that helps me to smile and look ahead.

We are definatly in a time of spiritual warfare, where satan attacks us when we are most vulnerable. I get attacked a lot with feelings of guilt, loss of faith, and anger-everything, but i rebuke it and i just continue to follow the Father, my mom was such a spiritual person and i am definitly blessed because of all of the wisdom, the Holy spirit spoke through my mom. i hope that i helped you, you have also helped me, because when i speak of the Lord i remember that is why i am here, and i am doing what He Wills me to do. I will be praying for you Sally, and would love to help or encourage you in any way possible, Your friend in Christ-Natalie.