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I fell apart in Walmart today


Rylee

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I am so embarrassed. I walked into Walmart today and just fell apart bawling when I saw those tin cans of popcorn. I am sure people were wondering what the heck was wrong with me but I couldn't help it. My mom loved those cans of popcorn so we'd buy the prettiest one we could find and give her one every year for Christmas. Knowing we aren't going to be able to watch her get excited and open her can of popcorn and chomp down on her favorite flavor (the caramel coated ones) makes me cry. My daughter told me today that she plans on buying one anyway and taking it and placing it on my mom's grave. My daughter is also having a difficult time and I'm doing the best I can to be a support for her but I'm finding myself just falling apart anyway. 

My baby brother has moved in with us for awhile and between the three of us (my daughter, my brother and I) we're all having emotional issues over my mom. We went to my mom and dad's graves (they are next to each other) and put a little Christmas tree between them. Then we sang the We Wish You A Merry Christmas song to them and my brother took hold of me and we just stood there crying together.  This is so hard on everyone this year.

I do appreciate all that you guys have said and support you've given me. Also, thank you for not being upset or feeling that I am not doing my part in this group to help others. Hopefully, as you have said there will come a time when I can be more a support to others here. 

Rylee

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Rylee,

A few months after my mom died, I walked into the grocery store and saw some knit gloves and I fell apart.  I used to always buy them for her because she was always cold and she always lost them.  I wanted so much to buy her another pair.  I can totally relate to how you're feeling.

Sometimes the weirdest thing springs out of nowhere to trigger us.  It seems to lessen in frequency with time but can still happen.  I've learned to just let it.
(((hugs)))

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  • 3 years later...

I can fully understand. 2 months ago I lost my wife of 53 years. Our whole adult life, really. We did almost everything together. There were bumps along the way, she was flirty and even had an affair, but I loved her so much I let it go. She passed in my arms and, with 53 years of memories  almost everything I see now reminds me of her. flowers, groceries, movies, markets, foods everything, and it sets me off to crying, even sobbing in a store, a cafe, even in the middle of the sidewalk if I see a flower she liked... I loved her very much and I miss her terribly. This cannot be real. I imagine she is waiting for me back at our home. But she is not coming back, is she? she is gone. If anyone can tell me how to ease this terrible thing please let me know. I don't know how much longer I can keep this up before I do something foolish.

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Hello mick, I noticed your other post before this one, and "I'm sorry" can't really touch what you've described to us so far.  What I can say is that being set off like this, or reduced to a puddle, is very, very natural and expected.  Unfortunately, our society does a poor job of preparing us for death, grief and loss, and often we're expected to be "over it" in no time at all, even if people don't say that to us in so many words.  I'm not sure if your wife was 53 or if you were together for 53 years (not that this makes a difference... loss is still loss).  I'm sorry to say it's going to feel unreal, and surreal, for a very long time.  I know of no way to ease this pain except with time and allowing it to wash over you like a series of giant waves.

Grief is there and it's going to demand your attention.  There's really no way to avoid it, and avoiding it creates more problems down the road.  It's been said the best way to get through it is to go through it fully.  I think for us guys it's a bit harder in some ways than for women, so when you say "I don't know how much longer I can keep this up before I do something foolish" I take that to mean, you're not sure how to keep going, or how to keep up a good front, before cracking and and breaking down.  I'd say, let it happen when you are in a safe place, or with someone you trust, and better still if you can find a grief support group where you are located.  it really does help, even if you just go to the group and keep quiet.  You'll find your feelings are pretty much universal.

I find myself liking waves and water more and more with time.  If I lived near an ocean, I'd be there every day watching them.  The force that moves them is implacable, impersonal and unavoidable, a lot like grief.  You have to just ride their movement like a little piece of jetsam.

wave.jpg

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Kieron speaks for all of us here, I want to tell you to please hang in there to give it ample time to adjust...I know it doesn't seem possible that you can, but if I can, it can be done...I honestly didn't see how I could live without my George, but it's been 15 Father's Days ago since he died and I'm here, I am coping.  Grief is immense and it really helps to have a grief counselor to help guide you through this as they don't hand us a "how to" book when we suffer loss.  It's individual so while we have similarities, we also have uniqueness.  I'm so sorry for your pain.

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@mick  It's very fresh but I want to share this with you and hope something in it is of help to you today or some time down the road...the things that I've found helpful over the years.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

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