Gwenivere Posted December 22, 2016 Report Share Posted December 22, 2016 I didn't know where to put this where it wouldn't get lost. Since I have been struggling with the feeling of being in love alone, my counselor sent me this. I think it speaks volumes. 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KATPILOT Posted December 22, 2016 Report Share Posted December 22, 2016 Oh it does Gwen. This is exactly what it's all about. Personally I send my love out into space just in case maybe she's there to feel it. Of course we can never know and that's the rub. I think it describes what it means to be married without a bride or groom. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scba Posted December 22, 2016 Report Share Posted December 22, 2016 I agree 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Patty65 Posted December 23, 2016 Report Share Posted December 23, 2016 Totally, totally. Thanks for sharing that Gwen. I totally feel sometimes when the grief hits really hard that I am just shooting off painful love energy that is exactly that - nowhere to go -- or it goes somewhere out into the ethers but the pain of it is that I have difficulty feeling anything of that love coming back at me, which is so devastatingly lonely because I always, always that had when he was here with me. When I do see or feel something back, the grief "has a reward" (???) of some sort of spiritual or mind-produced connection. Whatever it is, it helps. The problem for me personally is that I am so - (you name it) - sad, depressed, exhausted, miserable many times and that lack of "energy" keeps me from making any connection and then it is just -- "alone forever" "nothing good left" "my fault" -- all the negative side that I know is not exactly as real as it feels in the moment. Its all so damn exhausting though. Could be my life in general though 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted December 23, 2016 Author Report Share Posted December 23, 2016 I wish I could have thought of a better topic title, but it seems we all get it. What to do with all this love we still have to give and not getting it returned. I've been calling it being in love alone. Something stolen from us and this isn't like having a crush on a person we see from afar but can't have. We did have it. It drilled a well that produced and it keeps gushing. Yet we thirst for what we got back too. Death cruelly capped that other well. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Froggie4635 Posted December 23, 2016 Report Share Posted December 23, 2016 We all know how feelings and emotions can roller coaster up and down, even within a 24 hour period. I feel awful because I don't want to participate in any of the holiday, but I also get angry because of the expectations that it places on my life. I do NOT deny anyone happiness and feelings of good will this time of year, but it's approach has been going on now long enough. On top of doing my hardest to maintain an even keel while working and not let emotions and feelings interfere, add in all the hullabaloo of the holidays and all the anticipation; it leaves me just empty by weeks end. I know it is not a good feeling, but I am upset with all the wishes that will come true this season; I know that my wish will never come true, and there is no gift or get together that can erase that feeling. I try and do things for myself, and things to honor the love I still have for Mark. And some moments are very light and come close to almost joyful. But so much of it is an effort. I went and saw "Collateral Beauty" this passed weekend, and am still processing it internally. It didn't make me feel good; it didn't make me feel sadder. I let myself get lost in the story. I was upset by all the very critical comments about it. People who have never lost someone close to them, a life changing loss, can't understand some of the significance of the movie. I just passed two years without Mark, and I still had to finalize his existence. He received a jury summons. I contacted the court that it came from, and their answer to my inquiry was to write "deceased" across the front and to mail it back. I agree with grief as love with no place to go. Life goes on, and I try and go along with it, best that I can. But I am still only exposing myself to the hurt of being without Mark a little at a time. It's all we can do. 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted December 23, 2016 Report Share Posted December 23, 2016 Gwen, Thank you for sharing that. It does express how we feel, but I relate to "being in love alone". I know he still loves me, I know our love still exists, but it's just so hard to not be able to have a note, a hug, a kiss, or even just to talk over your day...ever. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Patty65 Posted December 23, 2016 Report Share Posted December 23, 2016 Hi Maryann, I have felt very, very called to see that movie. I have not been to a movie since, and it feels scary and sad to try -- so I asked my therapist if for one of our sessions we could go see that movie, because it felt like something I NEEDED to see. But I chickened out, and honestly didn't feel able to give up my face to face time for a movie with all the harshness of the season. The other mistake I made was reading the bad reviews, and then I got afraid it was just a tear-jerker holiday movie. I'm still contemplating it -- thanks so much for sharing your thoughts on it. Patty Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marie Lee Posted December 23, 2016 Report Share Posted December 23, 2016 Gwen, so true...Being in love alone......so, so true.....sigh 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KATPILOT Posted December 23, 2016 Report Share Posted December 23, 2016 Hi Maryann. I received a jury summons as well and did the same thing but I received another one after that. In Arizona they keep you connected through a drivers license and in Kathy's case that won't expire until March 24th of 2024. I expect I will receive more summons by then but I'd love to see her arrested for non compliance. I like hearing that you saw the film. Just going is one more accomplishment along this grief's journey. I hope the best for you and everyone else as we get through this difficult season. It does help to have someone with us when we see a movie Patty. I wouldn't recommend seeing one alone. You cannot worry about having a tear in your eye however because that's just going to happen. I even had that happen watching Zootopia for gosh sakes. One of the hardest things to do is something we did with Mark or Ron or Kathy, all of our spouses, for it evokes triggers reminding us of what we can never do again. But if we never do it................ then we'll never do it. I know this may not make much sense right now but I found a way of getting past the fear of doing this stuff. I got pissed. I said I will be damned if I'm going to let grief stop me from living. Before I leave my house I turn around and flip grief the bird, tell it to "F" itself and walk out the door. It's an interesting tool using anger to get past a moment and if it's a bad mental health issue to do so then indict me. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KarenK Posted December 23, 2016 Report Share Posted December 23, 2016 I watched the movie that Maryann recommended, "P.S., I Love You". It did not make me sad, rather a bit envious that this was a young widow who still had time to create a new life of her choosing. Perhaps this was the point of the movie. Being older, this option is not open to all of us. I'm sure each of us would identify with her feelings of despair. I am trying to work up the courage to see "Miss You, Already", about a woman whose best friend is diagnosed with cancer. I haven't found that courage yet. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marie Lee Posted December 23, 2016 Report Share Posted December 23, 2016 Love it Katpilot...I need to get mad at grief too! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted December 23, 2016 Author Report Share Posted December 23, 2016 I received a Christmas card from someone who was not paying attention for the last 3 holidays that Steve's name was not in the signature. I called her and told her and she asked how he was doing. Again that horrid moment we have to deliver that news. Hard thing was she didn't seem all that compassionate. I am guessing because she expected it and it has been 2 years so I should be much 'better' by now. I hate when I am dragged back, but especially when the person takes the news like I was delivering a weather update and then goes on and on about how well they have been doing. After the 'pleasantries' and her saying she will be contacting me I am hoping she forgets. Another lesson for just letting things go, but I was so stunned to get a card addressed to us both. I get lots of things for him from where he bought his car even tho I changed the name to mine. There's just too much out there we are all on lists of that will pop into our mail or phone calls. I get calls from places he donated years ago and have to tell them to drop him from the list. We want them in our lives always, but not in these ways. But, such is life. Most I hope for is less and less blindsiding. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marie Lee Posted December 23, 2016 Report Share Posted December 23, 2016 So sorry Gwen....I can just feel your shock at her response.... :-/ 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted December 24, 2016 Author Report Share Posted December 24, 2016 Thank you, Marie. You are always so kind in reaching out to others. ? 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Patty65 Posted December 24, 2016 Report Share Posted December 24, 2016 Yuck Gwen... Until I got that letter and that scarf, I guess I thought there was no way for the community at large, from friends to strangers, to have a reaction that wasn't at best awkward. But the truth is 99% of it is. It just goes on and on, doesn't it, and the holidays just escalate it so deeply. I got a "year in review" Christmas card/letter from Ron's aunt. Guess what her "news" was to me and the rest of her relatives? Her nephew, Ron died. Just why send that to me? And yet she is a sweet woman who means well. Sigh. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marie Lee Posted December 24, 2016 Report Share Posted December 24, 2016 Hi all...Sending Pleasant wishes to everyone !! Gwen- thanks, I try... So...I don't get on FB much...got some really sweet cards....and a very thoughtful gift, at my front door today and of course, the person that " reached out" was a surprise ...why oh why do people hesitate to reach out? Being alone makes me realize just how lucky Kev and I were... I am trying to be thankful for blessings.... With love to all, Marie 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted December 25, 2016 Report Share Posted December 25, 2016 Thanks, Marie. I got to see my kids all too briefly yesterday, but will be alone today. First time ever being away from my daughter on Christmas but the county didn't plow and there's snow pack on the road... Keep on thinking of your blessings... 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted December 25, 2016 Report Share Posted December 25, 2016 On 12/22/2016 at 5:19 PM, KATPILOT said: I think it describes what it means to be married without a bride or groom. I'm forever married. Whatever anyone wants to call it other than "I am forever married" is their problem. They cannot see him. Sorry about that. I see him everywhere. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KATPILOT Posted December 25, 2016 Report Share Posted December 25, 2016 Indeed you are Marg. It doesn't matter what anyone thinks. That's between us and the person we remain married too. Sometimes after enough time has passed people lose sight of who you were and still are. No one but me knows what is privately hanging on my tree. I didn't hang it there for them. 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted December 25, 2016 Author Report Share Posted December 25, 2016 I see it, Steve. You are right, it's always going to be between us and them, whatever we do. Like Marg said, I am forever married. It is what it is and no one is going to change that. 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brat#2 Posted December 25, 2016 Report Share Posted December 25, 2016 That's beautiful Steve, I love that idea, except I wear Dale's wedding band 24/7 right next to mine. Joyce 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted December 25, 2016 Report Share Posted December 25, 2016 I have his and my ring hung with a double chain around my neck. It is sterling silver (chain) and I polish it often. The rings are white gold. I had two white gold chains but they kept breaking. The jeweler said that gold was not as strong as the sterling silver. I never leave the house without it, I sleep in it. I take it off to shower but put it between my flip phone and my keys so it will never be forgotten. I am a widow, but I am still married. It is not a problem with me, and I won't argue it with anyone else. I never was a "proper" person. I loved living in RV parks, I hated houses, I loved a shaggy bearded, (actually he kept it neat) old man that was never old. He still isn't. And he is still my husband, proper etiquette be damned. There was a feminist time when I signed my name with a "Ms." I sign it "Mrs." now. Legally, I am a "Mrs." 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted December 25, 2016 Report Share Posted December 25, 2016 And, I will forever sign our cards as "Billy and Marg" because his retirement went to pay for them too. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scba Posted December 26, 2016 Report Share Posted December 26, 2016 I don't have a wedding band nor an engagement ring. But I will always be his girlfriend, independently of what comes next. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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