Boyfriends dad died and now he has gone cold

[Kellyb]

Hey, can anyone please please please help me. I need to hear from someone neutral so badly.

Almost 5 weeks ago my boyfriends father died, as soon as I learned I rushed to be by his side and spent the night together comforting him, the following day he text to say thanks for rushing over (it's about a 2 hour drive) "it meant the world to him".

the following week I was careful to let him know I care, that I'm here for him without any pressure. I understood that his mother needed him and he himself needed to process things. 

At this time we had suspicion that I might be pregnant and although a surprise, we were excited and nervous but looking forward potentially having a baby. My pregnancy was confirm 5 days after his father died - I hadn't seen boyfriend during that time but daily texts and calls. He phone started to be off. I ended up sending a picture of the test result out of frustration - he text back hours later "I'll call you late to catch up".

during the following 2 weeks his fathers funeral service took place and I wasn't invited or expected - I'm yet to meet his family and he thought it wasn't the right time and circumstance - I respected that for all parties. He became distant, phone always off, would make plans and not bother showing up.

After not seeing him for nearly 3 weeks we had planned to have dinner - I text asking his eta and he said at least a couple of hours as he had just sat down to eat. We fought over text. I said I felt disrespected that in 3 weeks he hadn't even found the time to get his backside anywhere near me or this baby and we had a lot to talk about. He said he wasn't coming when "you're being like this"

I haven't heard from him since.

the following day after the phone fight I woke up at 3am in horrific pain and drove myself to the hospital. I suffered a miscarriage all by myself with no one but a strange nurse to comfort me. I have been at home since trying to heal my body and my heart. My family nothing of this. Yesterday I attended a family Christmas meal - my first day out the house in almost a week. I spent all day playing with the children so as to avoid adult conversation and the "how are you.s" I thought I'd break down so chose to pretend. I didn't want to ruin their Christmas.

Still no word from the boyfriend - so as far as he knows I am still carrying our baby. But he has not made any contact. I feel so alone. And abandoned BUT did I not support his grieving as I should have and is he feeling alone and abandoned ????

do I tell him or wait until he gets in touch - if he ever does? 

I don't want to add any more drama to his life right now, I want to protect him. The man I loved would not have left me to deal with this - but all his actions say that is exactly what he has done.

Do I reach out to him or wait in hope

[MartyT]

1 hour ago, Kellyb said:

The man I loved would not have left me to deal with this - but all his actions say that is exactly what he has done.

My dear, I am so very sorry that you find yourself in this situation, having suffered the loss of your baby and being left to deal with this all alone. Harsh as it seems, I think your own statement says it all. Your man's actions speak volumes, and you are wise to pay attention. We can speculate till the cows come home as to why he has behaved so poorly toward you, but in the end, it really does not matter. It is noble of you to want to protect him, but consider how he has failed to protect you and his unborn child. Is there any excuse that he could offer you that would justify his behavior?

You ask if you should tell him about your miscarriage or wait until he gets in touch with you - if he ever does. I hope that you will choose to wait for him to contact you ~ and in the meantime, focus on taking care of you. Again, I'm so sorry . . . 

[kayc]

I am so sorry this has all happened to you.  I hope you have someone there that can put their arms around you, do you have a girl friend nearby?  My heart goes out to you, esp. just having suffered a miscarriage all alone.  It's hard enough having your BF treat you like this.

This is a common grief response, to cut out the person closest to you, with no warning, no explanation, I went through that myself.  Hell no I wouldn't tell him a thing, wait for him to contact you, if!  You've done what you could and frankly he hasn't deserved it.  This is not merely a grief situation, it goes beyond that with his ditching you when you most needed him.  I would be done with him because if this is any indication of things to come, you do not need that in your life.
Do you have a mom or sister, anyone you can talk to?

As Marty said, YOU need to be your focus right now, take really good care of yourself.  Have you been to the doctor since the miscarriage?  Usually they want to do a D & C (I've lost three) afterwards.  The stress undoubtedly has had an affect, you just don't need it.
I wish you the best going forward.  I'm so sorry you were treated like this.

[Kellyb]

Thank you both Marty and Kay for your responses - I really appreciate it.

Today marks 12 days since we last had any contact at all.  I am so sad, I have spent days in bed reading self development books and trying to rest, went for a long walk this morning but I still hate it. The world seems to be carrying on parallel to mine right now with everyone still riding the festive train and talking about the new year. I can only cope with looking to the next hour or two or however long I can drag the next distraction cleaning task out.

Why has he left me? - still with the knowledge that I am carrying our baby? How can anyone do that? He said he loved me. The feeling of complete abandonment makes it hard to breathe sometimes. I dream about him showing up at the house and talking about the loss of his father and wanting to give us everything.

But if he does ever contact me again I'll have to tell me that I lost our child and have to voice the failure I feel in that. And that makes me hope that he doesn't.

I cannot speak to anyone because I do not want to ruin their Christmas holidays

[kayc]

I don't know the answers to your questions, I still don't get answers to my own.  
This was my story:

We were engaged for a year and he didn't even break up with me face to face, he did it by Fed Ex, I got it at work.  You think you know people!  I know the flaw is in them, not us.  We were good loving partners that deserved so much better than this.  
You are not a failure in losing your child.  It may have been the stress of the situation but that's not something you could control.
I would not worry about ruining things for others, you need to open up to someone, don't you have anyone close to talk to?  I had my sisters, even though they aren't nearby, we're a phone call away.  
Sometimes I've wondered if he had commitment phobia, but if so, why did he ask me to marry him?  He was a non-confrontational person so I understand he didn't want to talk to me about it, I get that he was sleep deprived, over-stressed, but still...I'm glad I found out what he was made of BEFORE marrying him.  This is not my idea of an ideal partner!  My George (late husband) never would have abandoned me, for any reason, in any circumstance.  That is the only kind of partner I'd ever want.  Jim is fine for a friend, not for a husband to go through life with.  You need someone to count on, through thick and thin.
I'm sorry.

[Wil]

Kelly,

         I am so deeply sorry for the emotional turmoil you find yourself in. I could not begin to understand how you must feel and would not dream to try.The sense of loss and confusion you feel must feel intolerable on many levels.

May i suggest as Marty and Kayc have done that you focus all your attention on yourself until you gain acceptance that none of this is your fault. Your partner deserves none of your sympathy just now or in the foreseeable future.

Rather than try to fight the urges to rationalise the loss of your child or lack of compassion of your partner, may i suggest you allow yourself to grieve, your feelings of loss abandonment anger confusion are all perfectly reasonable and normal,  you cant change what has happened but you can help the person that matters most in this..... You.

Keeping busy is good if it works for you,  do what you need to for you whenever you need to for as long as you need to. Whatever you choose is okay but keep in mind what has happened is not your fault.

I personally understand your feelings at this time of year and they are okay to have, i would suggest to you though that your family or friends or those that truely care would most likely be apprehensive of asking how you are for fear of perhaps inducing thoughts or feelings in you when you may be trying to escape them for a short while. They may be looking to take the lead or initiative from you whether or not it is okay or appropriate to talk about things.

I would keep communication open with them even if you don't feel like taking part in festivities.

Whatever you do please keep in mind, your partner has chosen the path he is on for his own reasons you cannot affect that and i would not judge without knowing him.

His lack of enquiry into your wellbeing however is at this moment without suitable justification. To this end be selfish  and do whatever you need to for you and only you.

Again, please understand none of what you describe is your fault, acceptance of that is the first stage towards allowing yourself to heal in your own way in your own time.

Take Care