Wasted pointless day with no answers

[martha jane]

I had good intentions yesterday. I would clean up at least one room. I brought a filing cabinet into the den and started going through papers I had scattered everywhere. I found the reports from BC/BS about my husbands treatments while in the hospital. Then I got his records out that I had gotten from the hospital and decided to read them over again. All the words I didn't understand I looked them up. It seems like the treatments mostly centered around his lab work. If you don't understand what everything means it's hard to know what was going on. It seems since everything is electronic now the doctor doesn't put much of his words in the records. When he returned to the hospital after falling out of the bed at rehab there is nothing about him having internal bleeding or receiving two transfusions. There is one little line saying he has c diff. The nurses began suiting up to come in the room but they did not tell us to take precautions.

The main argument the doctor used to get us to agree to hospice is because he was too weak to withstand the tests they would need to do to find the bleeding. He had a feeding tube and they said the food was not being digested just laying atop blood. None of this is mentioned in his records. But who do you ask? The doctors just brush you off like the one who did when I said we had made a mistake putting him on hospice. My daughter and I felt he was being starved to death. We just both went to pieces but everyone said we are doing the right thing. Maybe if we had put it off he would have been able to talk to us. If he was so weak how was he able to live 14 days with no food or water?  

Why am I torturing myself like this. I know he was very sick and his mind would probably have been bad and agitated even if his body recovered.  I was dark outside before I finished the records and I knew no more than I did then. Everything pointed to an infection. I guess the UTI caused sepsis. Now I would be afraid to go to the hospital and have an IV line placed. Most hospital infections start there.  I have got to quit playing doctor and accept that it is over, Even if I found mistakes they made he would still be gone and I would be unbelieveably angry. Now I am just sad and feeling lonely and alone along with some guilt because I wasn't very kind to him sometimes.

   Do you think when I say I am sorry that he knows?

[kayc]

35 minutes ago, martha jane said:

My daughter and I felt he was being starved to death.

This is common procedure, to withhold food once they are no longer processing it, otherwise it just sits there.  My MIL's stomach blew up so big when her cancer ravaged her body, her blood was not moving through her system, the morphine did no good because it wouldn't move into her system.  I once had a parasite they couldn't get rid of, the doctor took me off of all food for two weeks, I felt fine (other than the parasite), so I know going without food that long doesn't kill you.  I haven't heard of removing all fluids but often they cut back on them, sometimes give ice chips to suck on for moisture.

I think he knows but I also think he doesn't feel you have something to be sorry for, you're not responsible for his death.  And everything I've heard life is peaceful beyond...I clinically died twice and experienced out of body looking down at my form, felt I could choose and would have chosen to go on except the first time I had my kids to raise and the second time I had my animals to take care of and felt they weren't very adoptable, I was still needed here.  I'm just saying, I don't think he is feeling bad, and time is something foreign beyond so the wait wouldn't be as excruciating for them as for us, although I'm sure they miss us.  Perhaps he is nearer than you think, only you can't see him.

[Widowedbysuicide]

So sorry for your pain.

[Guest]

2 hours ago, martha jane said:

  Do you think when I say I am sorry that he knows?

Martha Jane, It has been my experience so far since disovering this group that each one of us endures all those "what if" questions at some point during our journeys. I had to go through pretty much my entire first year without any form of help. I just toughed it out all on my own, totally by myself. By the time i did happen upon this group i had accepted the fact that i had become a freak of nature because of everything i was going through since losing my wife, and how it had affected me and changed me. Then everyone here patiently proved to me that i wasn't a freak. Most of what i had experienced, and still do, was a normal part of the grieving process. And i think that everyone that loses a loved one ends up dealing with all those questions. And the forgiveness is also part of it. But, i'll bet'cha that you really, truly don't have anything whatsoever to ask your husband to forgive you for. Whatever you did (or didn't do) was based on what you and all the professionals that were advising you told you was the best way of dealing with his situation.  None of us are here because we want to be, but here is where the help is. We get to the end of this journey by doing it one day at a time. If a day sometimes is too large to deal with, then do it one hour at a time. Having patience and allowing time to work its magic is hard, but it does work. Time heals all wounds.

One foot in front of the other

Darrel

[Widowedbysuicide]

I am not sure about the 'time' frame.  It may take the rest of my life and there will still be a hole in my heart.

[Marie Lee]

I think our loved ones know very much how much we loved them and are as thankful as we are that we had each other...and all the imperfections of life...all the what ifs will remain in our heart forever as we would give anything to change it all if we could..

But, we can not...so...somehow we must find a way to move forward. 

Planning on being productive today to get my mind off things ..,if only for a moment.....Peace, Marie 

[martha jane]

I got out some video's that were made several years ago and there he was as good as new, talking and laughing. There were a lot from past Christmases. He seemed so happy and enthusiastic.  The last two or three years he didn't pay much attention to Christmas.   Every Christmas eve we would drive to my mama's and Daddy's house and meet up with my other bros and sisters and their kids and have wonderful times together. Then Daddy, Mama, and my sister Betty died and there was no where to go after that.

Christmas was sad this year, all of my kids were here but not their daddy wasn't. My daughter will not sit on the couch where he always sat. It makes her feel as if we are forgetting him.  I find myself grieving more for the man he used to be not the one who was so sick and weak and in the hospital. I got a picture of him when he was in the Air Force about age 20.  I took it out to the nurse station and told them I want you to see the man you are taking care of. Not the sick and dying one.  Everyone began to say how nice he looked and some of the male nurses told about being in the military.  It was nice to be able to talk about him when he was young and happy to be serving his country. He loved the Air Force but he was only in for two years because his daddy broke his neck and he went home to help the family. 

 I have gotten three rooms cleaned up. I have four to go. I am not going to worry about the upstairs. My daughter comes twice a month and no one else uses it.

I need food badly but I don't want to go grocery shopping. It has been raining all day and tomorrow is supposed to be worse with some wind.  I don't know anything to buy. I usually based my grocery list on things that Kenneth liked. Now I really don't like anything.

[kevin]

Martha Jane, you triggered a memory...I just spent five minutes going through a small album I made for my Angela....Healthy and days full of vigor. I have such mixed feelings of love and Grief.......If I'm feeling down, these pics take me to a different place..........I'm happy with tears. Martha, crazy Journey....off to shovel snow.....kevin 

[Margm]

They had to do this with my dad and Billy's dad also.  Blessedly, Billy went fast.  I don't feel blessed, but having watched my father and Billy's father go through this, my sorrow for you is greatly compounded.  When it is all over with, they are gone no matter how it happened.  My cousin's father died of a heart attack.  For years I could not make her see that what my dad went through was horrible.  Yes, we did get to tell him goodbye, but at what cost to him?  I am so sorry you had to go  through this.  We have come so far in science and medicine, but still not far enough.  

Martha Jane, did you buy Ensure or Boost for your husband?  I could not eat either, but Billy could not/would not drink them so for quite a few days, I subsisted on this. 

[martha jane]

I bought it for awhile but he got to where he didn't like it. He had a good appetite right up til the day he got sick. Had eggs for breakfast and a big ice cream cone later. I can't bring myself to eat one now. We both had one in the middle of the day or in the evening. He also like the icecream bars covered with chocolate on a stick.

[kevin]

Marg, that's on the menu tonight......salad and Vanilla Boost.....stll have a case of the stuff...I like it..

[Margm]

Kevin, I have a pecan Ensure or a strawberry Boost every morning for breakfast.  My lab work all came back great.  Nothing she could fuss at me about.  I thought surely I was getting too many sweets, and I will never be off this low residue diet, but I can use it like the Atkins diet and it is not necessary to gain weight from it.  I have to start exercising again also.  I take my granddaughter to school three times a week and the new free recreation center is a block away.  I cannot do any lifting or heavy stuff, but I used to walk three miles a day and two miles a day after I got sick, so I ought to be able to escape the "tin man syndrome."  

I thought I heard you were going to do some shoveling.  You take care.

[Margm]

Martha Jane, I had my first KFC biscuit today.  Biscuit's and gravy were Billy's favorite.  I got a half one down but could not eat more.  Now, that is one strange thing how we keep from eating what they enjoyed.  I'll bet if they can see us they think we are pure stupid.  In my dream world I would have Billy's mom and my mammaw fighting to make him biscuits.  They were the best.  

[iPraiseHim]

2 hours ago, martha jane said:

... and a big ice cream cone later. I can't bring myself to eat one now. We both had one in the middle of the day or in the evening. He also like the icecream bars covered with chocolate on a stick.

Triggered a memory, My wife loved the McDonald's ice cream cone. We would have it usually after her dyalysis three times a week.  We would sit and enjoy each other and the ice cream.  She like the McD coffee and I would get it for her often.... I havent been to McDonalds for ice cream since my wife passed. 

My wife loved the Burger King Whopper special that we would get once a month.  I have not ate that either since... Shalom

[Gwenivere]

There are just places we will never go again.  Our date night Mexican place is always a reminder of days past.  I tried take out a couple if times, but it's not the same.  Plus seeing all the staff we knew would choke me up.  I was asked if maybe someday I would come back because they missed me/us.  Can't see sitting there by myself.  It was our night to talk about the week.  I dont have a smart phone for a date either.   Saw lots of people do that, but that isn't a date to me.   passed our anniversary and special occasion place the other day too.  Another off the list.  Come to think of it, no place is on the list by myself.  I have yet to find anyone I care to go out with for the company.  It was always him and me and rarely a relative from out of town.  

[Brad]

We have limited options here in Pinetop so when I have company or wish to dine with someone other than myself I take them to Darbi's. This was our favorite restaurant. It hurts not having Deedo there with me but the copious hugs from the waitstaff does help; one advantage of small town living. 

[Gin]

I cleaned out my freezer today and threw away the last container of chilli that Al made.  He would probably think I was crazy for not wanting to eat it(even if it was 17 months old). I will probably never eat chilli again.

Talked to a friend today who thinks I am always looking to feel bad about Al.  She and her husband do not have anywhere near the relationship that Al and I had.  She said she would be lonely but not miss him as everyone here misses their mates.

 

[Gwenivere]

Gin, that says so much about the depths of relationships.  I often wish I didn't love Steve as deeply as I did/do.  But that is just my wanting to ease the horrific pain.

[Margm]

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

 I have yet to find anyone I care to go out with for the company.

Gwen, my friends have quit asking.  They know I'm not ready, but one of these days and three of us will go out in the daytime on a Friday.  They won't give up on me.  I know they all have their own lives to live but I also know that any one of them, or two, or maybe three of us will go out later on.  Who knows, we might make a habit of it.  Who knows, it might never happen.  I am not unhappy or happy either way.  I think we have to kinda dig a hole up from this grief our own selves, each in our own time.  I cannot believe Billy is gone.  I hear Brianna in the bedroom and just the noise will spark a memory and then I think, "no, he is gone" and let it alone.  It happens so often.  It is a way of life we have to try to get used to and it is not easy.

A little analogy:  You know I married to get away from home.  Billy knew it.  He was no pushover.  He could be terribly emotionally abusive.  The first few weeks I would wake up at night feeling like I was in prison, OMG, I was married and not sure I even liked the jealous fellow.  I definitely could not be friendly with people..  I withdrew from all my friends and all his friends became my friends.  That was okay, I liked them too.  But he knew them.  He was jealous of any life I had had before I met him.  It took me years to try to get used to this new "me and him" and most times I just wanted to escape.  Going home was no answer.  Remember, I married to get away from there.  At nine years he loosened the leash he had me tied with and "let" me work.  Then I had to get used to being free again, and that was not good.  Many years ago we hashed all that out.  He knew he was as wrong as I was for "getting back" at him.  But, it took me a good 20 years or more to get used to being married.  I won't live long enough to get used to being widowed.  

[Margm]

1 hour ago, Gin said:

She said she would be lonely but not miss him as everyone here misses their mates.

She talks big, but she still has him.  I don't wish it on her, and who knows, she might go first and maybe he will feel the same way, but wait till she wears our shoes and see how she feels then.  That gal don't even have sympathy though, so don't expect empathy either.  

[kevin]

Marg, good news on the Lab results....Walking is the best exercise there is....Best blood pressure pill is walking....best brain function exercise...walking....85 year old gave me that advice...

[Margm]

I believe it too Kevin.  

[kayc]

17 hours ago, martha jane said:

I need food badly but I don't want to go grocery shopping.

walmart.com has free shipping, maybe order some canned goods from there?  There's Amazon but they're high priced.  I don't know where you live but in Portland some of the grocery stores do delivery.  And there's always pizza deliveries!

[kayc]

11 hours ago, kevin said:

Marg, good news on the Lab results....Walking is the best exercise there is....Best blood pressure pill is walking....best brain function exercise...walking....85 year old gave me that advice...

My doctor told me no matter what, never quit walking, so I do, twice a day, every day, with my dog.  No matter whether it is pouring rain, snowing, thick ice, windy or what, I walk.  I have Neuropathy, Morton's Neuroma, and a bone spur, still I walk.  Sometimes it's sheer pain, but I keep going.  The alternative isn't good. 

Kevin, I hope the shoveling is going okay for you.  I got super heavy wet snow yesterday, tonight, today, so shoveling is in the forecast here.

[martha jane]

I finally went to buy groceries. It was that or eat cat food.  It was upsetting because I saw all the things he liked to eat. He liked raisin bread but wouldn't buy it he said it cost too much. So when I started having to go by myself I would buy it for him. I would buy things for him that he liked to eat, I didn't care how much it cost. When I would bring them in he would be sitting on the couch waiting for me to get home. He would offer to help put them away, but I knew he couldn't stand long enough.  Today, I stopped at the door to the den and looked at the couch. It was empty. No shoes in the floor, no foot rest raised up to prop his feet on. It was so lonely. It was dark and rainy outside which didn't help.I was driving a loaner car until they repair the automatic part of the sunroof. When I got to the car, I couldn't figure out how to open the trunk. I had to call my daughter in Montgomery because it was the same as the one she drives.She laughed at me but my food was getting wet.

I went to the rehab place( oh how I hate that place) to sign for my husbands records. They are charging me for them.  Then today I got a letter saying I had to have proof that i was excutor of the estate. I said what is that. I'm his wife and I have a death certificate. She said that won't do. I said do you know how hard this is? and started crying. The hospital didn't require anything but the certificate.  I said what is it anyway? She said I could get it at the probate office. I  called the probate office and they said they didn't do them I would have to get a lawyer. A LAWYER? I am so mad, I don't think they want me to have them because they let him fall out of the bed. That is exactly why I want them to see what the report of him falling says.  So I am wondering how much I will have to pay a lawyer to draw me up the paper I need. I don't even know a lawyer.  I am so tired of having to deal with people making sure everything is right. I have already made two trips down there and I told her that. But she still has to have that paper.  I just want my husband back. They don't understand.