Just Lost My 2 1/2 Year Old

[Glenn]

On a much deserved holiday to disney, my wife and three kids enjoyed the day at disney. I lived vicariously through them this time staying back in New York. The following day I got the phone call every parent dreads. My wife, a physician, was poolside trying desperately to get even a single breath into our little one. She had been in a rather small pool area with three other adults. A shouting man distracted everyone for several seconds. Sadly, it was then that our little one, usually afraid of the water, became emboldened and lept in. In seconds, she was lifted out. My wife was on hand falling back on her training. My daughter would have had a fighting chance had she not also vomited. Precious seconds turned to minutes.

Now, five days later, I attended my own childs wake. My children alternate between play and episodes of crying. I am awoken at night by my hysterical wife who is trying to resuscitate me and babbling incoherently. Her mother and friend, also on hand, blame themselves. I wander about aimlessly, feeling waves of searing pain rip at me, followed by numbness and ambivalence that although less painful, make me feel guilty for having apparently already forgotten my baby. Numerous people come by to show their support. And while their display of affection is appreciated on one level, on another, I cannot help but wish they would go away and leave us to our private hell. A neighbor meaning to help, confides that she too lost a child. She notes that the pain is nearly as fresh for her nine years later. I shudder. Tomorrow I must read a eulogy that ends with the line, "good bye".

My only hope is that I may gain hope. Hope from those that have been down this darkest of paths, and have emerged to live again. I would welcome any thoughts about this feeling of numbness with intermittent pain. How long did it last? I feel in my gut that the worst is yet to come.

I'm waiting for a reply from Compassionate Friends, and each of us has begun a journal of thoughts. We have bought the children a toy chest to collect some things that were important to them. I read books on losing a child in what feels like a feeble effort to empower myself. I provide extra time and support to my surviving children and have considered grief counseling. And with that, I offer thanks for providing a forum for those who have walked this path and ask for any other suggestions.

[Guest Tamara]

Last Wednesday we lost our beautiful 2 year old grandson Jacob. His Mama (our daughter) and he lived with us. His mama layed him down for a nap and he died within minutes. Cororner is tentively suggesting SIDS. My house is filled with flowers from well wishers. I can't stand them. They are suffocating me. I found where Jacob had drawn on my antique china hutch with pencil and I thanked God for his gift. I wish it was in pen. We are getting through. My daughter is still on sedatives but she is having a few moments of ok every day now. My husband has not had to carry her to bed wailing once today.

We have no other grandchildren and our house is quiet. From one child to no children is.....there are no words. My husband and I are supporting each other. He is numb when I am crying, and I am numb when he is crying.

We will come through this!!! We will be different but we will not be crushed. We will laugh and visit and travel and work and garden and smile and drive and sleep and clean and excercise and party and celebrate and be mad and happy and sad and joyous and bored and NORMAL again. I swear to God and I promise Jacob.

ott7000@hotmail.com

Tamara

[Guest Guest_BETH_*]

Dear Glenn,

My heart breaks for you and your family. Your daughter was a beautiful child. I wish I could tell you the worst is over, but, I don't think so. I lost my son, Thomas, 1 year ago this month. He had just celebrated his 20th birthday.

The first few months, I just existed. It is all a blur. I did not really start my grieveing until about the 9 month after his death. It hit me like a ton of bricks. The numbness had worn off. I feel that God gives you that time for you body and mind to absorb the shock.

I saw my first Christmas without him. I went out of town and did not acknowledge the holiday. I have been through the first of his birthdays without him and 4 days later, went through the ONE YEAR anniversary of his death. So far it has not gotten easier. Each day is just one day that I am closer to getting to Heaven to be with him again. I pray that I won't live to be an old woman. I miss him so!

I go through each day the best I can. I will say that I do have more "good" days now. I hope that will help you some. Just do not expect too much of yourself. It is a different journey for each of us.

I too have read alot on grief and the loss of a child. It did help me. I did not realize it at the time, but I now am more aware of what to expect.

I am afraid I have rambled on and not given you much help. That was not my intention. I think we will continue to live, it just won't be the same way. Thomas was my only child. I built my future around him and now my future looks bleak. But, Thomas really LIVED. He crammed a life time into his short 20 years. He loved life and I owe it to him to live the best life I can.

I hope you will continue to read especially about the loss of a child. It may benefit you later on. Just take things on day at a time. I hope you and your wife are able to share your sorrow and give each other comfort. It helps to talk about it. I pray that God will bring you comfort and peace.

We are now members of a "club" that no one except parents can understand.

May God bless and keep you,

Beth

[Guest Glenn]

Thanks to both of you for sharing your own pain. I'm so sorry when I hear that anyone else has to endure this too. My own house is awash with flowers as well. The well wishers have left, and at last I can be alone. I have lost my daughter but pray that I will not need to give up on life as well. She would have wanted me to run and play as we used to. My new fear is that I will become bitter; to be scarred. I love life and have been the forever optimist. Now, I face not only losing her, but myself as well. Thank you for your thoughts, mine are with you as well.

Glenn

[Guest BETHRICHBOURG]

Dear Glenn,

I know it would be very easy to become bitter! Please don't let that happen. Your remaining family needs you!

I pray you are finding the comfort and support you all need so much of. I continue to get through each day the best I can. That is all anyone can expect of us. Get through each day in the best way for YOU. If a day at a time is too much to think about, break it down to the next hour or the next ten minutes. Just get through and don't give up. I continue to pray for you and all of us who are trying to get through it.

Take care, Beth

[drtondalia]

I can relate to you and your wife. I lost my son, Quran Cliett age 7, this last fathers day. We were at the beach. I tried to save my son yet I just couldn't get to him. I know the powerlessness your wife must be feeling because she was right there. I feel like I failed my son. At his wake I kept up a good front to our family and friends. I even had myself fooled into to thinking that I had accepted what had happened as an accident and was OK. Yeah right. A week later it hit me hard while in my office at work. Now here I sit a month and a half later and I still have spells each day. I think counseling would probably be the best choice for you and your family. It is my next step. Good Luck!!

[dpodesta]

Glenn,

While I haven't lost my 7 year old son, I lost my wife at Disney World before we got to the hotel due to a heart attack. I used to work on an ambulance, so some of my training came into play but not much. I applaud your wife in being able to put feelings aside temporairly to try and save your child. Again while I don't know what it feels like to lose a child, I know what it feels like to grieve for a loved one. It has been almost 4 months now since Karen passed away, and while the days do get easier, there are days where it feels like I am back during the first month. I was in a mall today and it hit me again, because that was the thnig my wife loved to do most, go shopping, and I was usually with her.

I thought that I would be bitter during the first month myself, but as I found this site and found that there really are other people as young or younger that are going through what I am going through that I started living again. Just remember you still havee a loving family who needs you more than ever. With God you can get through this.

[Tamara]

Glenn how are you and your wife doing? This is Tamara. I posted to you a few days after your daughter and my grandson Jacob died. I think we are progressing through this journey. We are forever changed of course. Normal or not I don't know. That is why I would kind of like to hear from you. It is hard to find people who have lost children close to the same age. please email me if you can.

Thanks

Tamara

On a much deserved holiday to disney, my wife and three kids enjoyed the day at disney. I lived vicariously through them this time staying back in New York. The following day I got the phone call every parent dreads. My wife, a physician, was poolside trying desperately to get even a single breath into our little one. She had been in a rather small pool area with three other adults. A shouting man distracted everyone for several seconds. Sadly, it was then that our little one, usually afraid of the water, became emboldened and lept in. In seconds, she was lifted out. My wife was on hand falling back on her training. My daughter would have had a fighting chance had she not also vomited. Precious seconds turned to minutes.

Now, five days later, I attended my own childs wake. My children alternate between play and episodes of crying. I am awoken at night by my hysterical wife who is trying to resuscitate me and babbling incoherently. Her mother and friend, also on hand, blame themselves. I wander about aimlessly, feeling waves of searing pain rip at me, followed by numbness and ambivalence that although less painful, make me feel guilty for having apparently already forgotten my baby. Numerous people come by to show their support. And while their display of affection is appreciated on one level, on another, I cannot help but wish they would go away and leave us to our private hell. A neighbor meaning to help, confides that she too lost a child. She notes that the pain is nearly as fresh for her nine years later. I shudder. Tomorrow I must read a eulogy that ends with the line, "good bye".

My only hope is that I may gain hope. Hope from those that have been down this darkest of paths, and have emerged to live again. I would welcome any thoughts about this feeling of numbness with intermittent pain. How long did it last? I feel in my gut that the worst is yet to come.

I'm waiting for a reply from Compassionate Friends, and each of us has begun a journal of thoughts. We have bought the children a toy chest to collect some things that were important to them. I read books on losing a child in what feels like a feeble effort to empower myself. I provide extra time and support to my surviving children and have considered grief counseling. And with that, I offer thanks for providing a forum for those who have walked this path and ask for any other suggestions.

[MartyT]

My dear Glenn, Tamara, drtondalin and others,

As I read your tragic stories I am overcome with sorrow, and I cannot imagine the depth of your pain. There simply are no words . . .

We all are deeply sorry to know that it is the death of your precious child or grandchild that brought you here, but at the same time, we are gratified to know that you have found your way to us. Please know that you are most welcome here, and we walk beside you as your companions on this long and difficult journey.

In addition to the compassion and support you will continue to find in this warm and caring place, I also want to point you to some of the many other helpful and valuable resources that are available to you online: dozens of articles, books, organizations and Web sites. You’ll find links to the ones I’ve personally reviewed and evaluated on the Death of an Infant, Child or Grandchild page of my Grief Healing Web site.

Wishing you peace and healing,

Marty T

[STARKISS]

Hi All,

I too have not lost a child but losing two people who were dear to me and grieving over them I know what it is like to grieve. I am a daycare teacher and work with children everyday, I do not know what it feels like to lose a child but have been around where a child has been badly hurt. It is a gut wrenching feel that is truly horrible I felt like I wish it could have been me. I will pray for everyone who has lost a child or grandchild and ask God to hold each of the lost little ones in His hands and love them till you see them again. I will also pray to God to give you all the strength to help you get through your grief Take care and God Bless all of you Shelley