iPraiseHim Posted January 23, 2018 Author Report Share Posted January 23, 2018 No worries. I spoke with the Mortgage servicing department escrow department and the gentleman listened and fixed the problem. It was the manner in which the Home insurance cover letter was written. The same words mean different things in each industry. My premiums are adjusted closer to my previous Mortgage service provider. They say it should be resolved by the 25th and hopefully my payment amount due for February will be corrected in time. I am blessed with a great home owners insurance policy. When we started with the company out premiums were 5% of the maximum audited premium ($50 vs the average home cost $1,000. They only cover homes though. More good news.. the rest of my computer parts arrived this afternoon so i can build my computer soon!. Warm temps today 75* and sunny. - Shalom 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cookie Posted January 23, 2018 Report Share Posted January 23, 2018 I'm jealous...you can build a computer! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iPraiseHim Posted January 23, 2018 Author Report Share Posted January 23, 2018 15 minutes ago, Cookie said: I'm jealous...you can build a computer! Actually, I have never built a computer before but have always wanted to. I usually just buy them already made. I watch lost of YouTube videos and what I need to pursue my passion for flying is a faster (Gaming type of Computer) I am saving about $400 building it myself. There are websites available to make sure all the parts are compatible And I will also use it for my business applications. It takes some planning, preparation, learning, and process to complete it, but I am confident enough to pursue it. If I get stuck, I have a friend who can help. It is exciting and something to look forward to . - Shalom Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cookie Posted January 23, 2018 Report Share Posted January 23, 2018 2 minutes ago, iPraiseHim said: Actually, I have never built a computer before but have always wanted to. I usually just buy them already made. I watch lost of YouTube videos and what I need to pursue my passion for flying is a faster (Gaming type of Computer) I am saving about $400 building it myself. There are websites available to make sure all the parts are compatible And I will also use it for my business applications. It takes some planning, preparation, learning, and process to complete it, but I am confident enough to pursue it. If I get stuck, I have a friend who can help. It is exciting and something to look forward to . - Shalom I think that is wonderful. The fact that you have the confidence to pursue it. Let us know how it turns out. I'm vicariously excited to see how it turns out..... 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted January 23, 2018 Report Share Posted January 23, 2018 George, hope it goes well. Steve used to build all of ours and for others too. You’re doing one and may come to find it a new pursuit for others. Stev3 burned out on it after a couple years since new ones were cheaper and the frustration (oh, the cursing I heard!) got to him. This were towers. We switched to laptops and mine has a desktop monitor, keyboard and mouse. I got the iPad for the living room and if I have to take it somewhere as the laptop is so small but bigger than this. Plus I need a mouse. Those touch pads drive me bonkers! 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 24, 2018 Report Share Posted January 24, 2018 You're fine, Marty! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 24, 2018 Report Share Posted January 24, 2018 18 hours ago, iPraiseHim said: No worries. I spoke with the Mortgage servicing department escrow department and the gentleman listened and fixed the problem. It was the manner in which the Home insurance cover letter was written. The same words mean different things in each industry. My premiums are adjusted closer to my previous Mortgage service provider. They say it should be resolved by the 25th and hopefully my payment amount due for February will be corrected in time. I am blessed with a great home owners insurance policy. When we started with the company out premiums were 5% of the maximum audited premium ($50 vs the average home cost $1,000. They only cover homes though. More good news.. the rest of my computer parts arrived this afternoon so i can build my computer soon!. Warm temps today 75* and sunny. - Shalom You have all kinds of good news! And you went from snow to 75 in one week, wow! No 75 here, 30s... 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iPraiseHim Posted February 2, 2018 Author Report Share Posted February 2, 2018 I am still in shock over the tragic news of one of our members. I know we have no control of the outcomes but it has put a heavy burden on my mind and heart all week. Words are difficult to express. I started to have flashbacks to when I discovered my beloved wife, Rose Anne, Almost three years ago this month. I don't think I will ever get over it.... If I dwell on my Mother's passing over ten years, It can stir up all of those thoughts and feelings as if it was yesterday. The same thing when my brother died a year later. I pray continually for his son and family dealing with this situation. Everyone in this group is affected by the loss. - Shalom 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted February 2, 2018 Report Share Posted February 2, 2018 Yes, George, I understand. Every single one of us is affected deeply by this tragic loss, because this dear man was one of us. We are hurting together 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted February 2, 2018 Report Share Posted February 2, 2018 This group of people have such different personalities, actually different cultures, but one thing they all have is empathy for each other and it still brings to mind the 1624 message from John Donne. Are we any different these many years later. George, you have such heart, and everyone on this forum has such heart, even though all of us combined, our hearts are broken in many ways. For whom the bell tolls a poem (No man is an island) by John Donne No man is an island, Entire of itself. Each is a piece of the continent, A part of the main. If a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less. As well as if a promontory were. As well as if a manor of thine own Or of thine friend's were. Each man's death diminishes me, For I am involved in mankind. Therefore, send not to know For whom the bell tolls, It tolls for thee. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted February 2, 2018 Report Share Posted February 2, 2018 6 hours ago, iPraiseHim said: I am still in shock over the tragic news of one of our members. I know we have no control of the outcomes but it has put a heavy burden on my mind and heart all week. Words are difficult to express. I know this hit me very hard. I was in tears when I read it and still not come to terms with it. Although I never met Butch, it was such a shock. It was another loss in what feels like a new world of them. I also struggle with feeling such deep despair that the thought enters my mind too often. It created a reality between a thought and the actual action. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted February 3, 2018 Report Share Posted February 3, 2018 I had an ongoing dialogue with Butch since his Mary died, and you really feel you get to know the person, when they bare their soul to you. Yes, I knew he felt suicidal, I knew he wanted to be with his Mary, I knew he was hit hard with not only her death but each subsequent death of a grandchild. Too much. Did I know he would commit suicide? No. He was getting help. I was hopeful that just maybe it would help him, but neither was I totally shocked that he did take his life. I am just sorry, so sorry that nothing I said made any difference, nothing anyone said or did was able to intervene and change anything. I guess it boils down to something Anne posted about a while back...how important our resilience is! We have to work on our resilience. We all have things we don't like come into our lives, that's putting it simplistically, and I don't mean to over-simplify it because I know these things are hard hitting and none of us can under-estimate the significance of all of the deaths Butch had to face...more than anyone should have to. But it's important to learn to continue to flow with life even in the eye of these punches. I read about a disaster a while back that took the lives of eight family members. How do you handle eight family members being wiped out at once? Intense therapy. But Butch was getting therapy. How do we make a difference to someone's life who is going through so much??!! Yes, Butch's death, his decision, it's hitting us all. And Gwen, I like your statement 15 hours ago, Gwenivere said: It created a reality between a thought and the actual action. There is no judgment in the thought occurring, but my hope would be we would not ACT on it. Knowing that it's normal in grief to have that "S" word present itself to us, but realizing it's how we are feeling in the moment, and delaying response so we can see things differently. And willingly getting help. 3 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted February 3, 2018 Report Share Posted February 3, 2018 18 hours ago, Gwenivere said: It created a reality between a thought and the actual action. Gwen, I worried so about you and one other, I think Mary Beth. But honestly, I think everyone on the forum if they were honest, at one time or the other thought about their exit. Just the act of crying until you lose your breath and thinking it would be so easy not to breathe again. I knew life had to be horrible for Butch, all I could think was how will he survive. And, in the end, he didn't. I did not want him to hurt anymore, but I did not want his little family to hurt either. 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iPraiseHim Posted February 3, 2018 Author Report Share Posted February 3, 2018 Progress Report: After much effort, I was able to successfully build and get my computer operational. After carefully planning out a strategy of how to progress on the project and much preparation. I watched YouTube videos that were encouraging and informative.When I read the manuals they were very technical, non-specific information and sketchy directions on how to assemble the system. I wondered if I was really able to successfully complete the build. There were some intense moments in trying to decipher the manuals and interpret them so this lay person could understand. When I first turned on the system, it would power up stay on for 25 seconds and then shut down and reboot. I was so discouraged that i just gave up for awhile... (it was bedtime). I sought advice and tweaked a few things and managed to get the computer to actual come on (Post) and loaded Windows 10 and everything was looking good until... I tried to connect with the Internet. Ethernet not work no DCHP Server connection (What was that? ). I worked on it most of the afternoon Sunday and finally gave up exhausted that night. Tomorrow is always another day with new Grace each morning. I work up and prayed for direction and asked other computer builders have had issues with this motherboard. Sure enough, The Ethernet drivers from the Motherboard don't always work so I went to the Ethernet Board MFG. Installed them and they worked great. I must have tried a dozen different ways last night to no avail. I made internet connection, updated windows and all of the drivers, reinstalled all of my programs I use, printer, etc... everything worked great until I tried to fly my simulator plane. No graphics or screen in plane mode. Reinstalled Graphic card drivers still didn't get it to work so I gave up again that night. The next morning, I figured out it was my own error. I had adjusted the monitor settings Incorrectly (through WIndows0 and not the graphics card. So the plane flies great. I order a plug converter for my second monitor. It came in yesterday but it didn't fit. I have ordered a new cable and another hard drive so that when this business computer drive fails(Which all do eventually..) I will til have a fully functioning computer. In the past, every-time a hard drive failed it would take 5-7 days for repair and another 10-16 hours to reload all of the programs and resources I use for my business. In Summary, it is okay to pursue your bucket list items even when they are bigger and more ominous than you. It is better to have tried and strive towards a goal rather than just give up and never try. Yes, it is very frustrating but so is life at times. I am still pursuing my dream of learning to fly and get my private pilots license. And yes I am still gradually shedding my excess weight (120lbs), naturally and striving to be healthier. "Get busy living..." (Shawshank Redemption movie quote). Yes, I believe the SHOCK and AWE of the last three years is finally subsiding... Life is different now. I just need to strive to move forward each day, let grief do it's work, and keep pressing forward... one step at a time! - Shalom 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted February 3, 2018 Report Share Posted February 3, 2018 Marg, I wish I could find something/one like you did your grand daughter for some meaning. Purpose. Last week was another that brought more losses. I couldn’t write this stuff happening to me if I tried! I feel like a bad news bear when I want nothing more but some sliver of contentment. I only find it in the dark of sleep. There was a technician here last night to fix my computer. I wanted him t go and to stay. A human being in the house! But the conversation was about the problems. My counselor says it a life force that keeps me going. But what if that vanishes? That’s my concern. I know ALL of us miss our partners. But all that I feel is I don’t want to do this without him. None of us do. I read about people finding something that helps keep that force going, just haven’t found it in 3 years. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted February 3, 2018 Report Share Posted February 3, 2018 Gwen, I'm so sorry that you're feeling so hopeless, and I wish with all my heart that we could wave a magic wand and instill some of that hope in you. I just pray that coming here and pouring out your heart to all of us is helpful to you somehow . . . George, I am just in awe of your tenacity! I am my own computer person, so that if something ever goes wrong, I'm the one to figure it out and find a way to fix it ~ so I really do admire you for sticking with it. I"m reminded of what my father used to say to me: "You're a determined little cuss!" And so are you. Good for you, George! Good for you! 3 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scba Posted February 3, 2018 Report Share Posted February 3, 2018 1 hour ago, Gwenivere said: I read about people finding something that helps keep that force going, just haven’t found it in 3 years. Dear Gwen, I can tell you about my experience in these 3 years and about that force. Year n.3: I spend every day doing, and doing, and doing. I rarely sit down and do nothing. Hardly never. Housekeeping, internet surfing, groceries, work, activities, cooking, whatever. I stop when I fall asleep. I stop when I go to the dentist. You may say from the outside that I have a force that keeps me going. I tell you what it is on me: I keep myself busy because I know that this busyness is built up around a big void, a big abscence. If I stop, the void is there. If I sit down, I know there is no sense out there. I am running around in circles, I feel. This may just be another Babel Tower. If my bf shows up, he would ask: why are you doing this? My answer: I don't know. In stillness and/or in frantic movement, without sense, we are not alone. We are here. Peace. 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted February 4, 2018 Report Share Posted February 4, 2018 1 hour ago, Gwenivere said: Marg, I wish I could find something/one like you did your grand daughter for some meaning. Gwen, my terror is that she will come in and find me lifeless like I saw Billy at 7:30 a.m. on October 17, 2015. That scares me so much. I don't want to do that to her and I hope she can find something that will get her life going before that happens. I went without my medicine one day/night and the results were dehydration. No fever, no blood. I have been pushing fluids, but I know if I injure any of this it cannot be fixed and being a burden to someone is a huge fear. One day at a time. I've a doctor's appointment Monday because my blood pressure goes up in the afternoon and while I am worried about the "time bomb" inside me no one can fix, I forgot about strokes and heart attacks and I get so scared. Being alone, I know that is terrible, but being the source of something like I saw with Billy is torment. I wanted to be way off in the woods, way away from people, by myself. Maybe I am reverting back to my animal persona. They prefer to go off away from people. They are more humane than we are. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iPraiseHim Posted February 4, 2018 Author Report Share Posted February 4, 2018 3 hours ago, Marg M said: Gwen, my terror is that she will come in and find me lifeless like I saw Billy at 7:30 a.m. on October 17, 2015. That scares me so much. I don't want to do that to her and I hope she can find something that will get her life going before that happens. I went without my medicine one day/night and the results were dehydration. No fever, no blood. I have been pushing fluids, but I know if I injure any of this it cannot be fixed and being a burden to someone is a huge fear. One day at a time. I've a doctor's appointment Monday because my blood pressure goes up in the afternoon and while I am worried about the "time bomb" inside me no one can fix, I forgot about strokes and heart attacks and I get so scared. Being alone, I know that is terrible, but being the source of something like I saw with Billy is torment. I wanted to be way off in the woods, way away from people, by myself. Maybe I am reverting back to my animal persona. They prefer to go off away from people. They are more humane than we are. Christian views expressed, Before, my wife died, my biggest fear was that I would die before her. If that happened, then my wife would not have called anyone. She was disabled and would have died within the week at home with no dialysis. When the panic attacks hit me hard, I know that only God determines when I will live or die. So when the devil attacks my thoughts, I know that he is a liar and the father of all lies. Satan (dark force) always wants to get us off-balance. I choose and keep praying that my confidence is in Christ. I mostly pray, " Lord help me. Lord help my friends in this group to give them what the need" I still get panic attacks at times, and I just repeat this process. - Shalom 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted February 4, 2018 Report Share Posted February 4, 2018 George, panic attacks are part of my daily existence. I have the disorder as it is, but high stress has them somet8mes defeating my medications. I’ve read several articles say8ng anxiety should be.a more stressed stage survivors have to deal with. I don’t even dare tell people I meet it has been over 3 years because then it is the......younhavent gotten used to it yet? Yes, I know he is not coming back, but used to it? Hell no. I only ask them one question now and leave it at that - can you imag8ne not having talked to, seen or touched (insert name here). The answer is always no. I am so grateful to Marty for providing a place people understand.the hugest loss of your life and we don’t have to explain it. I’ve occasionally run into people from my past just starting the journey. I always direct them here in hopes to spare them some of the inane things we have all heard from outsiders. I’m glad you have your faith. I know the solace it can bring to those that have it. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted February 4, 2018 Report Share Posted February 4, 2018 George, You are way smarter than me! My son thinks "people" (other than him?) just don't apply themselves. But he and I both know he has a way higher IQ than most, and certainly than me. And we all have different abilities...mine is NOT as a computer technician! Nor do I want it to be! I think God gives us the desires that go along with our abilities that He's given us. You are stretching yourself and it's amazing. Me, I'll take my computer to my son or Best Buy or something, I'd rather do something else, almost anything, than work on a computer. I did well just to get the programs loaded back onto it after my son changed my operating system for me...that and getting my Chrome bookmarks back was challenging enough. I need to get my laptop back so if my eleven year old computer fails i can keep going. My computer has been most amazing and trouble free, I realize how lucky I am. But all good things come to an end, I well know! You are a purposeful, goal-driven person, I admire that! How much of the 120 lbs have you lost already? And I feel I'll never reach goal but I keep going, who knows? 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iPraiseHim Posted February 4, 2018 Author Report Share Posted February 4, 2018 KayC, Ask your son about adding a second drive and using a RAID1. Computer jargon for making a clone copy of the hard drive so that when it fails (They all do ..) then your computer still works. It saves many hours of loading all of the programs. I also back up all my data on iDrive ($5 month 1st yr). or ask your son about (ghosting) the hard drive. That makes an ISO image that can identically restore your hard drive on a new one. It is worth the trouble. about the weight... I have been obese since 18 when I controlled what I ate. I was skinny from a teenager to adult. i have gained and lost weight so many times but hunger always drove me from whatever diet I was on back to my old habits. Beginning of last year, my desire to learn to fly caused me to pursue losing weight again. I tried the conventional eat less/move more (Calorie in/ Calories out model). I managed to lose 45 lbs on my own and stalled. No matter what I tried, it seemed hopeless to lose more weight. I prayed and started searching YouTube for different weight loss strategies that work. I kept coming across the LCHF ( Low Carb High Healthy Fat) and KETO (Ketogenic) food plans. I researched the pros and cons, watched different strategies and figured out what would work for me and my situation. I chose the KETO approach because of my understand of how excess body fat is stored which indicates insulin resistance. I am not a diabetic but my fasting blood sugars were starting to climb. Insulin resistance causes the body to not utilize its own fat for energy. For me, it is the most natural way to lose excess weight. I needed simple meals, low cost foods (Limited income) and something I could stick with. I methodically eliminated what was unhealthy and gradually added what was healthy. I searched for meals that i like that i could "KETO-adapt" them. It was hard to imagine not being hungry because I was ALWAYS hungry. After two weeks, the hunger and cravings for extra carbs (carbage) did go away. In my sixth week, I discovered I wasn't hungry for breakfast, so I delayed it an hour, then two, until I was intermittent fasting (not eating) from dinner meal to my first meal (Breakfast) in the afternoon. I have been eating that way ever since. It is an amazing experience. I have lost another 75 lbs in eight months following the KETO way of life. So I have lost a total of over 120+lbs. I have another 70 lbs I want to lose to get to my natural body weight. I have bought smaller clothes and wore a suit to church today that I have not worn in 25 years. I am not on any medications. For more information check out www.dietdoctor.com and you are welcome to ask me any questions. PM me and I'll send my e-mail. I will be glad to give you pointers and information. Always check with your doctor and review your medicines. If the doctor does not agree with KETO or LCHF then search for a doctor who does. http://lowcarbdoctors.blogspot.com/ I am living proof that it is possible. One day at a time, one meal at a time, learn, apply, adjust, move forward. Find what works for you and your body. - Shalom 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted February 5, 2018 Report Share Posted February 5, 2018 I'm on low carb already, I haven't looked into what all KETO diet involves, right now I have my hands full with what I have on my plate (no pun intended) and I think I'd have to be in the right frame of mind to take on such a big change, if that makes sense. I have tucked this bit of information away though so that I can get to it if and when things get better. I am so impressed with you and what you have accomplished though, 120 lbs, wow! I don't know how you did your job before you lost the weight because it's a physically taxing job, it must have been quite a strain and you must have come home drained, especially taking care of your wife too. I have a backup of all of my data and a spare computer with all the programs, I just need to get it back from my son's house. Loading the data on will just take a few minutes. The last time I went through this, the hardest part was getting my chrome bookmarks back! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iPraiseHim Posted February 12, 2018 Author Report Share Posted February 12, 2018 UPDATES: I added the second hard drive to my newly built computer to make it operational even after a hard drive failure. When I did that I lost all of the data on the hard drive again... ugh. It took me another day and I have finally managed to figure out how to get it up and running. I've reinstalled all of the programs AGAIN. And restoring all of the data files from the i Drive Cloud back up now. Yes computers can be frustrating at times. I've added a third monitor and computer simulation flying is incredible. This excites my passion to fly even more. I have much to learn. Health-wise, I am still steady shedding this excess weight (125+lbs so far in a year) and my newly acquired clothes are already feeling looser. I am working on getting my thyroid function optimized to improve my energy. Business has slowed down some (usually does in the winter). Finally,... I have realized that the SHOCK and AWE of my beloved wife, Rose Anne, is finally wearing off. I have come to accept it as it is and not how I want it to be. I have posted for three years my journey through this process as a record of one person's journey both for myself and other's who wonder how do we deal with this grief journey. This place is my safe haven from the storms of grief where I feel open to share what is going on. It has helped me to get the thoughts out of my head that are swirling around. I thank everyone for your support, acceptance, and love. We all have different experiences and paths. Each of us is just looking to find a way to understand, cope, and accept this profound loss. I will always love my wife. She has forever changed me to be a better, more loving, and caring person. She loved me as I am as unconditionally as any person can. I miss her physical presence but she is always with me in my mind, heart, and spirit. I thank MartyT for all she has provided for us. She is blessed to be a blessing. This place also teaches that there is Healing here too! I decided to post now as my favorite and worst day approaches soon. Feb 14th (The day I proposed to my wife 29years ago) and Feb 16th when she died suddenly almost three years ago. I will continue to read, pray, and help others who are traveling this journey. I still plan to post in some other sections and will continue to tell others about this wonderful place to deal with grief and healing. - Shalom 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted February 12, 2018 Report Share Posted February 12, 2018 George, at first it sounded like you were saying goodbye. Thank goodness, that is not the case. It seems you have reached acceptance, and I think that is a good place to be. Sometimes storms block the path to acceptance, but finding it again is almost success. I guess we all feel................almost. You are a sincere person, I share your Christian views although I am not as strong that way. Maybe one day, but I retain my mustard seed. Please do not quit coming because your views help others........me too. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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