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Don't want to be here


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Today I just feel like this will never ever get any easier. I have moments maybe even half days when I'm okay but then when it hits it is just as bad as the first day. It doesn't hurt any less. The confusion is not less, if anything it's more. I dont feel like I can ever enjoy life again. I try. I do everything I can to try but it doesn't work. At the end of the day I feel like I can't go on. It's so terrible as I'm sure everyone on here knows because there is nothing we can do about it. I would never commit suicide but sometimes deep down I hope I will find out I have some sort of terminal illness. I feel incredibly guilty for even typing that, but I'm just in so much pain and I would be lying if I said it wasn't true. Thinking I might have to live with this pain for 50 or more years is frightening. I know I would never really want to leave my kids and I have wonderful blessings to live for. But it still hurts so much. If only God gave us one more chance to talk to someone just to say goodbye or ask and say things we didn't get a chance to. In this situation (an affair) it hurts so much to mourn for someone I shouldn't have and wasn't supposed to have even loved. I would love to go sit at his grave just to have somewhere to go but I can't. I would love to cry with someone that loved him too but I can't.  I would love to have anything that I could physically hold in my hands to remember him by but I have nothing. I feel like it's all my punishment that I will pay for the rest of my days. Nothing in my lifetime has ever given me the feelings that he did. Nothing could ever compare to his smile. I'll never even know if he felt as strong as I did at all, and I have to go my entire life wondering. Everything just seems so pointless. It's been two months and yet it feels like he still been gone much longer. It doesn't seem right that the world just continues without him in it as if he were never here. My friends tell me that I have to let him go and focus on what is here. But I can't erase his memory or even set it aside. One person said eventually I will put it "all in a box" and be able to go on. I'm continuing on right now, but I am just on auto pilot trying to make it through each day. I can't imagine it will get any better and I certainly don't imagine I will be able "to put it in a box." I will love, mourn, and miss him for all of my days. I just don't feel I want to be here. 

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Numb and Lost, I felt much the same way as did many of us in the beginning. My wife's death was such a shock to my life.  Every time I would thing of living 1 day, week, month, year or longer without my beloved wife, Rose Anne, would put me in such a tailspin.  So I decided to not project ahead and just deal with now.  The grief pain sucks.  I learned from here the best way to deal with it is to express it , feel it. It didn't make logical sense but I just started using the tools that are provided here.

I also started reading other people stories  and saw what they went through ... this same deep level of pain and grief.  The outside world does not understand this type of grief, because they just have not experienced it.  So their suggestions are based on what they think they would do.  But it would not be what they actually do because they have no knowledge of this type of grief. 

People told me here that the grief will be less intense over time.  There is no timetable with grief.  Your loss is real and it is okay to ask questions, be angry, cry, sleep,  etc...  My hugs and prayers are with you that you will discover your path through this grief and loss.  We understand it and live within it each moment of the day.  Find what tools will work for you.  MartyT has some great resources and many friends here to listen, share , and care.  You are not alone .  Shalom, George 

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Oh, how i wish I could find some way to really comfort you. Is your husband living and does he know about the affair. I understand how you have to grieve alone, you don't have a friend that you could trust to pour out your grief to? It would be so good if you did. Grieving in secret is a sad thing to have to do..

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3 hours ago, martha jane said:

Oh, how i wish I could find some way to really comfort you. Is your husband living and does he know about the affair. I understand how you have to grieve alone, you don't have a friend that you could trust to pour out your grief to? It would be so good if you did. Grieving in secret is a sad thing to have to do..

My husband is living but he doesn't know. It isn't anything I could ever confess. He has had a drug and alcohol problem in the past. He can be destructive and crazy. He isn't abusive as far as hitting or anything like that but he has made threats etc. There is just no telling what he would do. When he is sober he is a good person but its like he is possessed when he is on that stuff. Anytime he has a crisis or problem in life is usually when he relaspses so I know that would set him off. He has been sober for a while now but I always fear that he will relapse again. I do have one supportive friend that I talk to. My other friends that know haven't been very supportive. They don't really understand. We are in our 30's and one of my friends hasn't even lost her grandparents yet so I feel like she doesn't really understand losing someone through death at all. I have experienced death of several family members but they were elderly  and it was expected or had extended illness and it was expected. It feels so strange to love someone so much that I have been intimate with in that way and had that connection with  to know he is in heaven now. It just feels so weird. It's strange to have to continue on when the love doesn't diminish. All I think about is seeing him again when I die. I imagine seeing him again and having conversations. But that seems so far away. I just have a feeling I'll live to be 100. I can't even imagine that. I'm scared of his memory fading. 

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4 hours ago, iPraiseHim said:

Numb and Lost, I felt much the same way as did many of us in the beginning. My wife's death was such a shock to my life.  Every time I would thing of living 1 day, week, month, year or longer without my beloved wife, Rose Anne, would put me in such a tailspin.  So I decided to not project ahead and just deal with now.  The grief pain sucks.  I learned from here the best way to deal with it is to express it , feel it. It didn't make logical sense but I just started using the tools that are provided here.

I also started reading other people stories  and saw what they went through ... this same deep level of pain and grief.  The outside world does not understand this type of grief, because they just have not experienced it.  So their suggestions are based on what they think they would do.  But it would not be what they actually do because they have no knowledge of this type of grief. 

People told me here that the grief will be less intense over time.  There is no timetable with grief.  Your loss is real and it is okay to ask questions, be angry, cry, sleep,  etc...  My hugs and prayers are with you that you will discover your path through this grief and loss.  We understand it and live within it each moment of the day.  Find what tools will work for you.  MartyT has some great resources and many friends here to listen, share , and care.  You are not alone .  Shalom, George 

Yeah I find it makes it harder when I think ahead but it's hard not to. I have this fear the rest of my life will be spent in sadness. Even in moments of contentment like when I'm playing with my son I have this melancholy cloud over me that prevents me from being happy. Every day I feel like if I can just make it to tomorrow and I guess that's how I need to look at it, one day at a time. I honestly I'm praying for a rapture soon. I beg Jesus to go ahead and come get us. I felt really guilty about it all and I had been praying about it. Sometimes I think God took him because I didn't have the strength to stop loving him. But I pray I can still know him in a pure way in heaven. I think he struggled with that guilt too. 

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18 hours ago, Numb and Lost said:

I dont feel like I can ever enjoy life again.

Try not to base your hopes for the future on how you are feeling today.  This takes MUCH time to process and adjust to, much much longer than you've had.  

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9 hours ago, Numb and Lost said:

I'm scared of his memory fading

It won't.  I've already responded to you about that elsewhere, but it's nearly 12 years out for me and I still remember everything about him, smell, his voice, his touch, how I felt when he held me, everything.  It has not faded for me even though it seems a million years ago.  A certain part of our brain's memory is locked in when associated with our senses (smell, sight, sound, feelings) and that helps it stay.

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9 hours ago, Numb and Lost said:

Even in moments of contentment like when I'm playing with my son I have this melancholy cloud over me that prevents me from being happy.

In that moment of contentment, that is the "little joy" I have come to recognize...embrace it, acknowledge it, count that blessing!  It will help you continually look for other "small joys".  The melancholy cloud you speak of is what I call "coexisting with my grief"...it is ever present, but it does not detract from the other joys in your life, it need not!  I have also learned to embrace that as being part of who I am now, my grief doesn't leave, but rather I have learned to live with it.  It does not dictate the whole of my life though, it does not get to proclaim what joy I have or do not have, I do!  Learning and practicing all of this is not simple or instantaneous, it takes time and effort!  It starts with today and living in the present moment.  

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I just get scared it will fade because I didn't see him as much and it had been a long time since I had seen even at the time he passed. If my husband died I wouldn't forget anything because I see him so much and he is so familiar. That is the biggest pain in all this for me is that we were planning to see other within days and had talked so much about it. I had thought a lot about it and loooked so forward to it. We wanted it to be when we had time to spend and the last day I ever heard his voice was when he asked me to see him but we didn't have time. He said well it's ok we will just see each other tomorrow. The next day wasn't good either though and then of course he was gone. Not having that day makes it hurt so much more. 

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In some ways our situations are similar. I was just the boyfriend. Because she moved from the Northeast down to Texas after her divorce, she was not seeing her sons but just around the holidays. For health and financial reasons she could not make the trip north this year. She had told both sons and her ex about me, but of course, not much detail so far. We had only been back together (at a distance) for 6 months. As just a boyfriend (being 66, I am not happy with that term), I had no rights to decisions about her wishes, even though she had expressed exactly what she wanted in the event of her death. I have no standing socially or legally, although the police investigator did talk to me to a degree. This was because ours was the last phone call on her cell. And it lasted 2 and a half hours, so the policeman was willing to answer some questions.

Still, I just feel like collateral damage. They had not scheduled a memorial service previously, but do have one scheduled next Sunday. I will be flying up there for it, but will know nobody there. Her one recent friend that I have met will not be able to make it. So I will be standing back, observing but getting no comfort.

I really feel for your pain, Dear (hope you don't mind, Numb is so impersonal). We all are mourning alone, when you get right down to it. I don't think your memories will go away. I remember things about Dana from 33 and 34 years ago, when I first knew her.

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1 hour ago, DaveM said:

In some ways our situations are similar. I was just the boyfriend. Because she moved from the Northeast down to Texas after her divorce, she was not seeing her sons but just around the holidays. For health and financial reasons she could not make the trip north this year. She had told both sons and her ex about me, but of course, not much detail so far. We had only been back together (at a distance) for 6 months. As just a boyfriend (being 66, I am not happy with that term), I had no rights to decisions about her wishes, even though she had expressed exactly what she wanted in the event of her death. I have no standing socially or legally, although the police investigator did talk to me to a degree. This was because ours was the last phone call on her cell. And it lasted 2 and a half hours, so the policeman was willing to answer some questions.

Still, I just feel like collateral damage. They had not scheduled a memorial service previously, but do have one scheduled next Sunday. I will be flying up there for it, but will know nobody there. Her one recent friend that I have met will not be able to make it. So I will be standing back, observing but getting no comfort.

I really feel for your pain, Dear (hope you don't mind, Numb is so impersonal). We all are mourning alone, when you get right down to it. I don't think your memories will go away. I remember things about Dana from 33 and 34 years ago, when I first knew her.

I don't know if any of his friends know about me. I'm sure he probably talked about me to someone but I don't know who and if he did I doubt he used names as he was married too. You are right haha numb and lost is kind of impersonal I needed to be discreet and it was the first desperate words that came to mind when I signed up.  Now I could just name myself "depressed and in denial." It's hard to describe but you may understand the feeling- I know it's real but its like every day I think something can happen to make it better or change my circumstances. I don't even know how to explain the feeling. Those words don't really accurately describe it. Like maybe I think I might find out I'm dying and so I will be okay.  My mind is expecting something. Like I still have this false hope although there is none. I guess that goes back to my dreaming that I will call him in a few months and it will all be fine. Also I constantly try to work it out in my head, how he was here and I talked to him and now he is gone. It just does not seem like it can truly be real that he is gone forever.  I haven't gotten out of bed today at all. It was such a pretty day but I just didn't care. I wish I could make myself care. I keep worrying about being here sad for 50 years when of course I don't know I could die tomorrow. But I just have this feeling, and this vision of me being here at 83 with this sad distant memory and pain.  So sorry for your loss as well. I hope the memorial service helps with your grieving process. I know it does for some I guess. I don't think my emotions could have handled it even if I had been able to go. One of my friends said I shouldn't "memorialize him" as the affair was wrong.  Coming to this forum has been one of my only outlets. 

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9 hours ago, kayc said:

In that moment of contentment, that is the "little joy" I have come to recognize...embrace it, acknowledge it, count that blessing!  It will help you continually look for other "small joys".  The melancholy cloud you speak of is what I call "coexisting with my grief"...it is ever present, but it does not detract from the other joys in your life, it need not!  I have also learned to embrace that as being part of who I am now, my grief doesn't leave, but rather I have learned to live with it.  It does not dictate the whole of my life though, it does not get to proclaim what joy I have or do not have, I do!  Learning and practicing all of this is not simple or instantaneous, it takes time and effort!  It starts with today and living in the present moment.  

Yesterday I cleaned and organized some things. I played with my son outside. Today I couldn't get out of bed at all really. I try to do things that I liked before, hobbies etc but I don't feel like I like them anymore. I play the piano but now if I sit and play it I just end up composing a song so depressing and melancholy it makes me more depressed. I feel like I'm just waiting but I don't know what for. 

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It's common to not have interest in things that previously you enjoyed.  I feel that way about my making cards, I always enjoyed it (been doing it over 30 years) but it seems in more recent years I make one when I have to whereas before I was excited to try new techniques and being artistic.  It's just not the same anymore.  Maybe someday, once in a while I get the fleeting urges, but not often.

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I started making my own butter several months ago and  I was so proud. I also have two chickens and when I got eggs I would bring them into the den and show them to my husband , he would always smile.  I had a churn I could hold on my lap and I would make my butter sitting on the couch with him watching TV. I bought some pretty antique butter dishes that held the round butter that  I molded in a wooden butter mold. My brother gave me a big churn and Kenneth was so pleased, he remembered his mama churning so I put some water with dishwashing liquid in it and he sat for a while churning it. Now I just look at it.I am no longer interested in making the butter because he is not here to show pride in my efforts and to help me eat it. I miss him and the little everyday things we shared.

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Well Numb, I have not read all of these, I know you are hurting as we all are hurting.  And, I know this does not make a bit of sense, but three of Billy's old girlfriends have passed on and I guess they are where ever he is.  I have to believe what the Bible says.  But right now, this old widow that was never really jealous of her husband, is totally, unrealistically, insanely, stupidly jealous because they are with him and I'm not.  If that is the way things work.  And, I don't guess I really have to make sense of things, I never have before.

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38 minutes ago, Marg M said:

Well Numb, I have not read all of these, I know you are hurting as we all are hurting.  And, I know this does not make a bit of sense, but three of Billy's old girlfriends have passed on and I guess they are where ever he is.  I have to believe what the Bible says.  But right now, this old widow that was never really jealous of her husband, is totally, unrealistically, insanely, stupidly jealous because they are with him and I'm not.  If that is the way things work.  And, I don't guess I really have to make sense of things, I never have before.

I can understand that. I would be jealous too. I even thought that, that if his wife dies before me I would be envious. It's funny that the fact that "we are not married nor given in marriage" in heaven kind of bothers me because we weren't married anyway. I believe we will have special relationships though. Even though I know we will lack nothing and everything will be perfect there I still have my human earthly mind here and I worry so much about how we will know each other. I'm pretty sure I've said it before so forgive me I repeat myself a lot these days, but I wonder if the min he died he just saw me as sin. I have prayed that while I know the affair was wrong that there is some reason I love him so much. Ive prayed that at least some part of that friendship or love will remain and be pure one day. That is literally all that keeps me going is thinking about him in heaven. I have had such a bad two days. This morning I woke up in a panic. I just had all our conversations in my mind at once and all my shattered hopes. I remembered when I used to wake up and see if anything new was on his Facebook. When I feel that panic I don't feel like I can make it which is such a terrible feeling because there isn't anything I can do about it, well besides take a xanax which helped a little.

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Steve was married twice before me and I was once.  Together we drawn to each other for 39 years, married for almost 32.  Survived 2 separations one coming close to divorce but couldn't take that step.  I don't know what happens after we die, but if there is something I have no doubt it would be him and I together.  None of our other marriages survived the challenges we did and came out stronger for them.

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I did some research because Angela is somewhere with the ex husband...In the Gospel, Luke and Mathew...reference says no marriages..

At the resurrection people will neither marry nor be given in marriage; they will be like the angels in heaven. 31 But about the resurrection of the dead—have you not read what God said to you, 32 ‘I am the............This whole thing is only someones "spin" on the after life....its good reading

..

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39 minutes ago, kevin said:

and on a much higher plane of understanding...

Kevin, there will be plenty to disagree with you.  But not me.  My mom told me years ago, "don't question the Bible.'  Okay, that might be dumb on a higher plane than my mom's belief's. There is so much I don't understand and if it hurts my brain to try to find a lost Walmart sack full of groceries, I sure am not going to start questioning the Bible.  

When my mom was lying in bed with her Alzheimer's she said she wanted to see her sisters.  (She never mentioned Daddy).  She said she was not scared of dying, she just wanted to be with her family, she was the last one left.  

I don't know what happens.  I think everything is supposed to be perfect, and when I get there it will be because I will run off those three women.  No arguments about religion or beliefs, it is what it is.  

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7 hours ago, Gin said:

Al and I were both widowed when we met.  My big issue is....will I be with him or his first wife?  

I know it says in the Bible there will be no marriage in heaven but I don't think that means people won't know and love each other. I see how it would kind of have to be that way, just for that reason for people who equally loved two spouses that passed. But I believe we can't know or understand everything. If God felt relationships were important on earth I believe they will still have importance in heaven. Even if we aren't married in heaven I think we will have connections. Maybe they will be stronger and with even deeper understanding. I don't think he will leave us lacking for anything. Of course like I said before though right now my earthly mind is confused and just hurts. 

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3 hours ago, kevin said:

My belief is we will be one big family without complications......and on a much higher plane of understanding...Gin, it will be good...

I feel like that too. Anything imperfect in relationships will be removed. I know we won't really understand until then how it will all work. I just know I have so much pain and confusion here in my earthly mind that I long for heaven. 

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