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1000 posts and millions of tears


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Post #1,000...

There's been a lot of pain in those posts and the tears will never stop flowing for my Tammy.  In the nearly two years since Tammy died, much has changed in the world. In my world though, things are about the same. Loneliness? Check. Emptiness? Check. Meaninglessness? Check. I've adapted only in the sense that I function. I still work. I do what "needs" to be done. In that sense my routine isn't totally different than when Tammy was alive. The difference is just that... Tammy isn't here with me. I do things but nothing gives me real joy. There's no sense of true happiness or the feeling that "life is good". Life right now, at best, is bearable. It's a world without purpose.

When Tammy was alive, life wasn't always easy, she was almost always sick. We often were dealing with life or death emergencies. After she lost her job due to her health, times were extremely tight financially. But we were together and our love and deep connection made our world a special place. A world where we knew that things would be "OK" because we had each other.

Now I go through life holding on to those memories. Those good and those difficult times. I cherish every moment I spent with my darling wife. I'm so glad I decided not to go into work on so many of those days when I knew Tammy needed me at home. She would protest at first, "Mitch, we need the money". But later would confide in me that she was glad I stayed home with her. I often had to skip family events and dinners with my sisters because Tammy needed me at home. They sometimes didn't "get it". They simply thought I didn't want to spend time with them. That wasn't it at all. I knew that Tammy wasn't feeling well and needed me. In my world, my Tammy came first. She was a wonderful, beautiful human being and I loved her more than anyone can imagine. It's not just words... Tammy was absolutely, positively my everything.

March 6, 2017 will mark two years since my Tammy passed away. Every day without her has been painful and nothing short of torture. Yet, here I am, still hoping that life will become more meaningful, less empty and that maybe, just maybe, happiness will come.

I'll always feel married to my Tammy and I will always cherish what we had. It was a love for the ages. - Mitch


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Mitch,

It's hard to believe it's been two years, yet at the same time it probably seems like an eternity to you, even while you remember everything like it was yesterday.  I'm glad you're able to be in the home you shared and have her items there to bring you comfort, I know it's a place of many memories.  I'm thinking you see by now that this is not something you ever "get over" or move on from, it's something we learn to live with.  

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Mitch,

I just past the two year mark and understand.  My prayer is that you will discover/ rekindle a passion of yours.You have shared with us how you love to help people and your testimony here is a witness and help to many people here whether they acknowledge it or not.  As you know, there is no timeline on grief. When we love out mates as deeply as we do, the grief is the expression of that love as well. My prayer is that you will discover some joy and happiness that will mix in with the grief.  My faith tells me there is a reason and purpose for all of us but I can not explain exactly what that is.  It is what we each need to discover for ourselves.I still miss :(my beloved wife, Rose Anne.  I think I always will.  - Shalom   

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Mitch,

Today is 17 months since Al has been gone.   Seems like yesterday and also forever.  I still miss him so very much and have not found much meaning to my life.  I do what I have to but not very enthusiastically.  Friends do not want to hear about this  anymore, so I guess this group has got to hear it again.  We loved each other so much and were together all the time.  My friends have significant others and do their own things, especially on the weekends.  Tears still flow often.  Went to health club this afternoon and that is it for the day.  Thanks all for listening.  I know you are all in the same boat.  Today I think my boat is sinking fast.

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Mitch,

I would try and read all 1,000 posts, but if I did, I wouldn't be able to tell you now what an incredible person you are.  I don't have the same amount of experience with this that you do.  I can't relate to two years of this life yet, so I am sorry in advance if anything I say is incorrect, insensitive, or ignorant.  What I can do is look at your first post, and see the growth between then and now.

"I know I'm very early on in my grief and the tears, the what-if's, the emptiness etc. are all to be expected."

The emptiness is still there, I think it always will be, for all of us.  But the what-if's are gone I think.  The horrible guilt of the first days has been replaced by the knowledge that while you were together, everything was the way it should be.  I have very recently moved past my guilt, I hope, and I know it was a relief to me.
 
"I am alone in my grief at home".
 
I can see clearly that you have built relationships here that have helped you, and others.  If you haven't built the same relationships in your life outside this site already, at least you have the tools and ability to do so.
 
"I haven't been able to go back to work yet. I work in a retail environment where I'm expected to "put on a happy" face for the public but I just don't think I'm up to it."
 
You have gone back to work.  You were up for it.  You have done what you needed to, and if there is no joy in it, at least you know now that you can, you are capable.
 
"I don't think I'm ready to deal with the constant "what happened?" questions."
 
Oh how I hated those questions in the first few days.  People staring at me like I had answers, when all I had were more questions.  People have stopped asking me now, but now I have an answer.  What happened is that in the briefest of moments my life changed forever. You have your answer now as well, but the people who asked that question still can't understand.  If they have to ask, they just don't know.
 
"The few times I've gone out in public, have not gone well."
 
You have been out in public.  You can deal with banks and grocery stores and car rides.  None of us should have to do those things alone, we should have our loves with us, but you are proof that we can.  Without constant anxiety and panic.
 
"Bottom line, I'm not myself.  I know it's to be expected. It's only been a short time. I know I will never be the same; I know my life is different but... how do I ever overcome this feeling of not being myself and the world being an uncaring, scary place?"
 
You are yourself, and yet you will never be the same.  Your life is different, and the world is an uncaring place at times.  And yet you are no longer scared.
 
As I said at the beginning of this post, you are an incredible person.  One who has overcome an unthinkably horrible situation and adapted and grown throughout.  You deserve to cherish what you had with your wonderful Tammy.  Your love IS one for the ages.  And while happiness and purpose have eluded you so far, you will continue to grow, and may find your way to it eventually.  I haven't had the chance to speak with you before, so let me tell you how sorry I am for your loss, and also that I am slightly in awe of your strength, resolve, and enduring love.  Wishing you continued growth,
 
Herc
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Yesterday I was talking to someone and I shared about George and how happy we'd been.  He said, "I've been married three times and I've never had that."  How sad!  I almost feel guilty for being sad and missing George...at least I had him!  So many people never have what we've experienced, they've never been loved, never felt to the moon over someone.  To have it reciprocated is amazing.  

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