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Pain,Guilt, and Regret


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I have been reading through some posts and it's simple little things that hurt the most sometimes.  I see some of your profile pictures and wish I could have one of him as well, but I must remain anonymous like a nobody. I see all the memories, messages, and nice things said about him on his Facebook wall and I wish I could share my memories and feelings as well. I feel like I am no one and every day that he is gone I feel more that way. I feel like I imagined it all and I question whether or not I was important to him at all, because every day he is gone he feels further away. I have no connection to him now that he is gone. Him dying without my resolving questions about how he felt and how I feel was one of my worst fears. I can't believe something I actually thought about and feared so much came true. I dreamed it, and I feel like maybe that was a warning I ignored. I dreamed someone posted a status that he died stating "RIP brother you will be missed" and I read that exact status a few months later in real life. Why?? And why didn't I take heed to that warning and say what I needed to say. It all makes it so much worse. I don't only struggle with his death I struggle with the guilt that I loved him at all. I feel like I deserve the pain and suffering for knowingly falling in love with a married man while I am married myself. I was just so drawn to him in a way I could never find words to describe. I feel like the pain isn't mine and I don't deserve comfort. I prayed the night before he died about the feelings I had. I knew it wasn't right and I just asked God for help because I couldn't stop loving him. I prayed that maybe I met him for a reason and even if I didn't know now one day it would all make sense, as if maybe we could be together one day in the future and it be right somehow. He died the next morning. I feel like God just took him away and it's all my fault. Like maybe my dream was a warning and if I had left him alone he would still be here. I am hurting so much and I don't know how to go on and live a normal life. I feel like if I was his widow I would cling to his memory until my death and stay married in my heart forever. But I have none of those rights. I know there was a connection there I can't describe. I know when I looked at him he looked at me the same way. Now I have to go the rest of my life with these painful unanswered questions, having not said what I needed to, and this guilt. My dream of "someday" is gone. It hurts so much to mourn someone that wasn't mine and never had a chance to be. I have no pictures of us together, none of his belongings, nothing. I only have screenshots of a text, and his pictures on Facebook. I will never ever ever be the same. I don't feel like I can ever be happy again, and I know I will never feel that again. I'm sitting on the couch now typing this, while remembering the last time I saw his face which was on a FaceTime call while I was sitting in this same spot. I can't believe I will never see that smile again. I just don't want to accept it and I don't know how. I don't accept it. I hope to see that smile again when I die. I hope God allows me to know him in heaven in a pure way despite how I knew him here. I wish I knew how to go on and live a happy life but I don't. It just doesn't seem real. I feel like I'm waiting for something to happen. I have felt like that since he died, but I don't know what. I always felt like I met him for a reason and there was something there I wouldn't understand until later. I just felt like somehow someway at some point in life we were meant to be together. When I met him 12 years ago he ended up moving and although I think I knew I loved him then there was no affair at that time. I was married and he wasn't at that time. He tried but I resisted. But I had a feeling something was to come of it. I just knew it. I ended up running into him a few years later and I remember thinking "and here it is." I still resisted but I ran into him EVERYWHERE after that and it was inevitable. It's just so strange because I still have that feeling that "it isn't over" and yet it has to be. I'm just dying inside. I think what if I had not resisted at first. Would things be different? Would he still be here? Pointless questions I know. I had every reason to leave my husband then. I loved him once but he has let me down so many times I've lost so much love for him and I don't even know if I even want to gain it back for fear he will let me down again. I've been through unspeakable things. That's why I don't understand why I had to meet him and lose him. I had been through enough as it was. Why is life so unfair to some of us? I think why did he have to die at 34 why couldn't he at least lived until 44, long enough for his kids to remember him. I know I'm rattling on and on. I am just in so so so much pain. 

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I get it. I get the not being able to share the grief of the loved ones. And like feeling like you are a ghost. You don't exist to them. 

And the stolen future and unanswered questions.

You have the connection you shared. That can't ever be taken away. It's intangible but it's real. It wasn't perfect, but it was real. We humans are not perfect, we make mistakes. If we could do things again we might do them differently. Everyone here. Look into your heart for what is real.

Nothing can take what we had away. 

I wish Crystal's children knew her for longer. 6 and 10. It's just not right. 

I have no pictures with Crystal so I can relate to that. I have objects and letters and things. But we never touched, physically. But the connection we had otherwise had no equal.

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5 hours ago, Finch said:

I get it. I get the not being able to share the grief of the loved ones. And like feeling like you are a ghost. You don't exist to them. 

And the stolen future and unanswered questions.

You have the connection you shared. That can't ever be taken away. It's intangible but it's real. It wasn't perfect, but it was real. We humans are not perfect, we make mistakes. If we could do things again we might do them differently. Everyone here. Look into your heart for what is real.

Nothing can take what we had away. 

I wish Crystal's children knew her for longer. 6 and 10. It's just not right. 

I have no pictures with Crystal so I can relate to that. I have objects and letters and things. But we never touched, physically. But the connection we had otherwise had no equal.

It's just so unfair. I just still can't past the feeling of disbelief. It doesn't feel like he can really be gone. Just like that. 

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13 hours ago, Numb and Lost said:

I don't only struggle with his death I struggle with the guilt that I loved him at all. I feel like I deserve the pain and suffering for knowingly falling in love with a married man while I am married myself.

WARNING - CHRISTIAN BELIEF FOLLOWS:

Numb and Lost,

Reading this makes me realize you're losing sight of who God is and why He says what He does to us.  He didn't make "rules" to be a stickler or hammer us when we break them.  He told us how to live because He cares about us and wants us to avoid the kind of pain you're going through right now.  He doesn't inflict the pain on us because we deserve it, but rather He knows what thus and such action can bring on in natural consequence and wants to avoid us having to go through it.  That you did what you did is done, He doesn't wish further pain on you!  He cares about you and wants to go through this with you, you are not on your own in this.  Turn to the God of all comfort in your sorrow, He understands.

All of us who grieve endure pain, not because of anything we've done wrong, but it's just part of the price of having loved someone as deeply as we do...and our bodies do give out and people die, none of us are immune to that.  But you're inflicting additional pain on yourself by second guessing how he felt and your actions.  Let go of the second guessing and accept what is, and what was.  He hasn't changed how he felt from one day to the next, neither have you.  The guilt is gone, the sin is gone, all that remains is pure love...hang on to that.

(((hugs)))

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7 hours ago, Finch said:

I get the not being able to share the grief of the loved ones. And like feeling like you are a ghost. You don't exist to them. 

And the stolen future and unanswered questions.

You have the connection you shared. That can't ever be taken away.

You have missed the being able to share grief with loved ones.  In reality, no one's grief is exactly like yours, nor to the same extent as yours.  All of her loved ones had a different relationship with her, you surpassed everyone in her level of friendship and sharing, even though you didn't get to touch or meet in person, you shared directly from your heart, both of you.  Everything, all of the day to day stuff, the big stuff, everything.  You were the person she most confided in.  You may not exist to the others but you exist to her.  

ALL of us have a stolen future and unanswered questions.  You don't differ from any of us there.

You are so right, the connection you share can never be taken away...neither can the love.

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That was well put KayC.  I know that those friends on here who were in unconventional relationships are really struggling with guilt.  

If thoughts of guilt override the memories of love and affection that guilt might erase your good memories.  Try to focus on the good things.  As a widow of suicide the guilt was huge with me also, along with all the questions and the sadness of not being there with him.  Not telling him how much I loved him.  Yes, my heart is broken.  I want him to live on in our son and in what we built together.  

I want to keep the beautiful memories and not distract from them with my baggage of guilt, and shame.

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3 hours ago, kayc said:

WARNING - CHRISTIAN BELIEF FOLLOWS:

Numb and Lost,

Reading this makes me realize you're losing sight of who God is and why He says what He does to us.  He didn't make "rules" to be a stickler or hammer us when we break them.  He told us how to live because He cares about us and wants us to avoid the kind of pain you're going through right now.  He doesn't inflict the pain on us because we deserve it, but rather He knows what thus and such action can bring on in natural consequence and wants to avoid us having to go through it.  That you did what you did is done, He doesn't wish further pain on you!  He cares about you and wants to go through this with you, you are not on your own in this.  Turn to the God of all comfort in your sorrow, He understands.

All of us who grieve endure pain, not because of anything we've done wrong, but it's just part of the price of having loved someone as deeply as we do...and our bodies do give out and people die, none of us are immune to that.  But you're inflicting additional pain on yourself by second guessing how he felt and your actions.  Let go of the second guessing and accept what is, and what was.  He hasn't changed how he felt from one day to the next, neither have you.  The guilt is gone, the sin is gone, all that remains is pure love...hang on to that.

(((hugs)))

Thank you <3 

that made me cry. A good kind of cry.

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Numb and Lost,

I am sorry your relationship was so complicated.  The pain of dealing with that in addition to your loss must be staggering.  Your love for him shows through every word you type.  No one who has felt that kind of love deserves the pain we have all felt, and I am truly sorry for your loss.

I am also sorry for responding quickly to you in the searching for a way to heal thread.  I should have read some of your previous posts before I spoke to you.  It wouldn't have changed what I said, but it would have altered how I said it.  I would have added that you don't have to let go of your love, emotions, thoughts, memories, who he was, what he meant to you, or what you built together either.  You may not be able to share those things with some significant people in your life, but they are still yours.  You don't have to let them go, and you never will.

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Eric,

Welcome here, I have appreciated your insights, you are very thoughtful and you're a welcome addition to this site.

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