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Days When It's Worse


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It has been 9 and a half weeks since Dana was found, so I know I am still in early stages. Every day is hard, but for me weekends are the worse. For those who don't know, Dana and I reconnected after 33 years last May. She lived in Texas and I am in North Carolina. We were working toward a time when I could move to Texas to be close by. We spoke every night during the week, but might talk two or three times on Saturday and Sunday. And we could go on and on. We had a seven and a half hour session once, and came close on other occasions. Both were divorced in 2015, me after 28 years, she after 25.

I am fortunate (?) in that when I am at work, I have blinders on. I can mostly concentrate on work and duty, and not be in constant pain. On weekends, though, I have nothing. Oh, there's plenty that needs doing, but I cannot focus on it. All the could have/should have/would have things race around my head, and I can't get past them. When we re-connected, I started looking for work in her area, and had some great prospects.

But life was complicated because my ex-wife for some reason became crazy when she learned I had found someone. We moved her in 2013 to Arizona for her health, she was there a year, then filed for divorce in 2014. There was no cheating (at least here), no fights, no particular catalyst. The filing simply said the basis was separation for more than 12 months, and the marriage was beyond repair. My ex has a history of cut-offs. She is estranged from her 37-year old daughter and 35-year old son from her first marriage, and from both full sisters and her mother. As far as I know she still is okay with her half-sister and she is good with our son. After hearing that I had actually found a chance for happiness again, she snapped, and is suing me for more support. She is also suing for half my Social Security, and for a chunk of the value of our former shared house. Unfortunately with the 2008-2009 housing crisis, our house dropped to way below what we owed, and the house is still upside down, 8 years later. i put the house on the market last year, but her attorney sent harsh email to the realtor, and she quit immediately. We have fought and haggled over EVERYTHING since July 9 of last year.

Dealing with the law suit, and getting hundreds of hateful texts (I called them nasty-grams) distracted me. I put off moving to Texas until I could resolve things here. At about the same time, Dana took a fall, broke her neck and injured her mouth and jaw to the extent that she could not chew. So no solid food since last July. I went to Texas for a number of days, got her out of the hospital and settled back home, and arranged for Visiting Angels to have someone come and help her several days a week. Between the lawsuit, a demanding job and the whole financial picture, I didn't realize just how badly Dana's health was failing. She had some issues already, including a life-long battle with asthma. She was really sad for the holidays, as this would be her first time she would ever be away from her two sons at Thanksgiving and Christmas. She was not able to make a trip to New England to see them, and neither were able to go to Texas at this time. She was always fiercely independent, and refused to come to North Carolina, nor have me come there. She said she needed to work through it on her own. Some time between the last time I spoke with  her just after midnight on December 17 she died in her sleep. She was not found until a local friend noticed mail and packages piling up on her porch and called the police on December 28. The friend called me after the police went in and found her.

Last week her boys and her ex-husband held a memorial service for her. They were gracious enough to invite me to attend, so I flew up. It was as nice as these things can be, but I knew no one there. I had spoken with one of the boys twice by phone and the ex twice after she passed, but otherwise I was a complete outsider. The older boy (24) was particularly kind, and hugged me. I barely held it together, but was determined not to be an embarrassment.

Back to the weekends. The down time is unbearable. My anger with myself for allowing my ex to distract me from the health of the most important woman of my life is eating me alive. Do I blame my ex for some of this? ABSOLUTELY. I have friends and the grief counselor telling me I can't blame her for Dana's death, but YES I CAN, and I DO!. Her suing me came out of spite and meanness. She no longer wanted me, but would not allow me to have someone else, either.  So I am letting this house go. It is on the market, finally after the attorneys have worked some of this out, and now that I no longer have a lady friend. But I have made no house payment in 6 months. It is in foreclosure, and If the realtor cannot move it before the bank takes it back, so be it.

Sorry for the rant. I can barely make it through Saturdays and Sundays. Who in the world longs for Monday? just me, I guess.

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I am so sorry, Dave. Your story is heartbreaking, and I am thinking of you as you struggle through another weekend. I hope it helps to know that we are here with you and we are listening, and you are not alone. I wish for peace and healing to your broken heart 

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DaveM,

I am so sorry for all you are going through.  A renewed love, removed just as you were about to be able to rekindle it, the what-ifs must be driving you mad.  Further the loss of a relationship you had for 28 years.  I know it is a messy divorce, but that is a massive change in your lifestyle and daily routine on top of your loss.  Losing your house in addition must be traumatic as well.

I know the comfort of work.  Even when I am just going through the motions at my job, at least I know what I am doing.  It gives a sense of security and order in the midst of the chaos our lives have become.  I don't exactly long for Monday's, but I know the pleasure of sitting at my desk and for the first time in several days actually knowing what to do is steadying.

Blame who you need to at the time.  There will be plenty of time to rationalize and reflect through the course of this process.  For right now, do what gets you through the days.  I am so sorry for your loss, and the pain I know you are going through.  I hope you find some way to deal with the downtime that brings you peace and comfort, and will be here to listen until you do,

Herc

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56 minutes ago, DaveM said:

I see so many here who have it worse than I.

As do I Dave.  I miss that tall, lanky, neatly trimmed, graying handsome (to me and other women) man I have known through thick and thin, sickness and in health, through hardships, struggles and roadblocks we threw in our own path.  We were so far from perfect individuals (never in trouble with the law, but Billy hated the IRS and sometimes refused to pay.)  They laughed at us each time though and we came to our knees and paid extra taxes and penalties often.  We got $800 back the last tax time he was here. (I had finally retired a 3rd time after 43 years).  It went for back taxes.  What it amounted to was nothing was definite but taxes and death.  Now, I am due to get a whole lot of money back for my taxes.  I put back a whole lot of money out of each of our retirement checks into the IRS. They will go to pay my mom's succession and for some reason, I cannot find the folder with all the information in it.  It is my mind playing tricks.  Billy always said I was him and he was me.  Well "me" would  have always paid the taxes but "him" would not let me handle it.  I wanted to take them to people who did taxes, but he would not let me, so on April 14th, he would sit up late into the night trying to figure out ways to cheat the IRS.  We never won.  We just did not have them take enough money out of our retirement checks to come out even.  I remember the author Ed Abbey hated paying taxes too, so they took the money out of his book earnings.

My granddaughter and her family moved into mine and Billy's house after he passed away.  Now, she was in her late 20's and the fussing that went on with them there and her dad (my son) and his woman there, I just had to leave.  While I was gone, she decided to clean out Billy's tax cabinet and got rid of all the loose paper, etc.  All those years of trying to cheat the government were burned.  I wonder if maybe he had something to do with that?  I wonder now if the reason I cannot find my folder (that I would never lose if I was in my right mind), if he has it hid somewhere.  Sometimes I think the "him" in "me" is playing tricks with the government.  I will just have to go down to H&R Block and be at their mercy.  I have all my receipts and W????'s saved.  I have no idea how to do this.  I can spell the genus and species of all the dreaded viruses and bacteria, but if I have to add four numbers in a row I will give up and scream (no, it makes my head hurt), no I will just cry and they will have to give me IV saline to account for lost sodium.  

I am getting better.  I miss him terribly.  I used to spell out the word "grief" as "guilt."  Some electron in my brain could not distinguish between the two words so it most times was spelled guilt.  And, I know yours is too.  

When I was talking to a neighbor on my fast trips back to our "home" in Arkansas I learned of a man.  He was married 15 years and his wife died of cancer.  Then he was married to a 2nd woman 15 years and she left him.  One of the women I was to do business with had just retired after being his 3rd wife for 15 years, and she promptly filed for divorce.  Then Brad told about the woman that had had the three husbands die.  (Brad, stay away from that woman, we want to keep you).  

Sunday morning word salad.  I cannot eat real salads anymore, so you all get my psychological term word salad torture.  Now if I can make Billy quit laughing long enough to let me find that damn folder, I will pay for my mom's succession and also pick out a memorial to be placed next to my mom and dad's stone.  I am gonna make Billy's ashes be mixed with mine and our headstone will be in the cemetery with all my relatives.  How's that Billy??? 

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Dave, you had known Dana in the past? Did you care for her then? I am so sorry that things didn't work out for you. The two of you must have been so happy when you finally met up again. March 13th will be three months since my husband died. I knew he was sick but he had been sick in the past and recovered. This time he didn't.  It is Sunday here. The skies are dark and the house is so quiet. One thing I miss is not having his clothes to wash. And no one to share a cone of icecream with. I hope it gets better for both of us. Again I am so sorry.

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49 minutes ago, martha jane said:

March 13th will be three months since my husband died. I knew he was sick but he had been sick in the past and recovered. 

Martha Jane, I really identify with you. It will be 3 months that my fiance has been gone on March 10th. I too knew he was sick (rejection of the heart) but he always recovered in the past, he was always so strong and was able to battle all the things that was thrown his way. But this time he was much more sick than I knew....he kept alot from me in regards to how bad he felt. I guess alot of us were in a sense blinded....or hopeful....maybe a bit of both.

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Thanks for your responses. It is good to have a place to vent without worrying about someone else's comfort level. None of us has real comfort now, and all long for those we've lost.

Herc, the blame idea came at long last, after my ex has finally shut down the nasty texts, although she had to shoot two more to me after our son told her of my loss. She is easing back from the lawsuit now that I no longer have a purpose in life. As I thought through all that, i realized her purpose all along was to paralyze me. And it worked. I will not let go of that anger for a long time. Thanks for understanding the work angle. Some have questioned the wisdom of my not taking much time off, but what would I do otherwise?

Marg, I have to tell you  a salad story, too. One of the last things Dana said was how badly she wanted a salad. Had not had one in 6 months, and her craving was fierce. I have not been able to make or buy a salad since. I bought the fixins every week for about a month, then realized I could not make myself make one. If she had to do without, I will too, as long as I can hold out. If I go to my sister's and she makes one, I will be polite and take some, but it will be pushed aside. It is like the music we shared and loved together.I cannot listen to it right now, I just can't. I can listen to stuff she disliked, like heavy metal, but one can only stand so much of that at my advanced age. She didn't care for country, but for me there's too many sad songs getting air play right now. So mostly the radio is off. As far as her ashes, I have no rights in this. But I do have my memories, and I will do things to honor her as long as I live. She was an artist, writer, poet, editor and seamstress. Her signature symbol was a triangle variation. I had it tatooed onto my left arm about 3  weeks ago, my first tat ever. Also grew my first beard because she said she always wished for a bearded man. Fortunately she got to rub her cheek against it in November. Will keep it for good now. She also loved turtles and tortoises, so my second tat will be a tort. She had 2 small tatoos, one on her left wrist, the symbol, and one on her ankle.

Martha Jane, Dana and I worked together for over 2 years, and near the end, began dating. We had been buds for months along with our work group, but that group gradually shrunk down to just the two of us. We realized all at once that we loved each other then. But I graduated college, and got a job offer in another state. She was just starting her Masters program, so we tried for a while, but distance and duty pushed us apart. We just reconnected last May after 32 years, and long, but failed marriages each. This renewal was amazing. We were both joyful for the first time in years. Each had gone thru bad divorces, and both of us had sworn off dating. But when we started talking, BAM, we were done for. Right back to the joy and excitement we shared so long ago. Both still had residual complications from the divorces, so it was going to take a while to get fully together. Now we never will.

AB3, are you an Abbie? Doesn't matter, I have been pronouncing you as AbbieThree. Dana also had health issues, life-long often hospitaling asthma, When she was a little girl, she said whenever she spent the night at her grandparents' her grandmother would always sleep in the bedroom with her. The poor lady was afraid the child would die her her sleep. I have to hope and pray that Grandma was close by when Dana did finally do that. She had a bout with pneumonia in November, but had not told me. Her doc told the investigating officer who found her, and he shared that with me. With her weakness from malnutrition, I think she just gave out. And I wasn't there. Kills me.

Thank you all for your kindnesses. I cannot express how much it means to me. I hope I can be a comfort to some of you at some point.

And Marty, thanks again for working so tirelessly for us.

Dave

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Dave,

I am so sorry for all of the things you have been going through.  A lot of times we beat ourselves up with the "what ifs", I think it's our way of trying to rewrite the ending, come up with a different outcome.  But the reality, unfortunately, is that no matter what we would have done, they would have ended up dying, few exceptions.  I know I did this to myself after my George died, I think it's just part of our grief reaction.  

I like this article, it sums it up so well for me:
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html

Your ex sounds like someone you'd want for an "ex" not a "current"!  I've never heard of someone suing for social security!  If she was married to you for ten years, she can file off your social security and get half what you get, if she's old enough to file and if you've already filed.  But to sue for what you're getting?  Wow!  To all those greedy exes that try to get money the easy way, here's a thought, try working.  Most of us never have anyone hand us anything, we have to do that for ourselves.  I can understand your anger.
 

In time you will be able to let go of even this.  You'll be able to forgive her, not for HER but for YOU.  I've been taking a Restoration class lately and this week and next week's topic is forgiveness...it's all stuff I've already learned but hearing it all put together like this is a great refresher course!  I'm working on forgiving someone in my life that could care less and won't likely change how she treats me, but I need to do it.

I have seen where anger sometimes propels people through what they must get through.  I think that's a healthy purpose...so long as it doesn't stay in the anger stage that brings on bitterness because that changes who we are and lends way too much power to the offender.  Good luck with going forward with all of this, I hope the house sells soon and the bank doesn't lose money on it because then there's income taxes on what they lose.  If she is on the title, she'll have to claim half.  

It seems like sometimes in life everything seems to hit at once.  Sometimes I've wondered if it's a test (I don't think it is) and if I'll make it through it.  I've learned not to ask myself that though because it's not an option...one foot in front of the other, as Darrel would say.  I guess that's his legacy to us. :)

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Thank you for sharing that profound quotation, Dave! It's one of those right-on-target observations that just takes my breath away ~ and it certainly does apply to grief. (I heard it spoken by a character in this week's episode of Madam Secretary, and promptly forgot the exact wording before I had a chance to write it down. You found it for me, and here it is!) Wonderful! 

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  • 2 months later...
On 3/7/2017 at 1:50 PM, brat#2 said:

by the time I got to pen and paper, I had forgotten it.

And that happens much too often (the forgetting).  Bri makes a game out of it but sometimes I am too tired to play.

 

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