Jump to content
mittam99

Two years without my beloved Tammy

Recommended Posts

My lovely wife Tammy died two years ago today. It wasn't just a life changing event, it changed me as a person too. For the past two years, I've been able to hold on. Sometimes just barely holding on by a thread. This life without her is so lonely and it's a life that feels incomplete. After all, Tammy was the one person in life that "got me". Who loved me unconditionally. Who made me feel like I meant something to someone.

I went to work to today but my head wasn't in the game. The pain and the longing for what happened on March 6, 2015 to be nothing but a bad dream overwhelms me. Still, I persevere. I'm here, I'm trying and I'm doing the best I can all the while co-existing with the intense pain and trauma of losing Tammy.

In the past two years I've learned that most people, unless they've been through it, don't understand how it feels to lose the love of your life. That most people don't want to and simply don't know how to deal with someone else's deep grief. I've realized, more than ever, how amazingly lucky I was to have a wife like Tammy. And what an absolutely unbelievably courageous woman she was.

My life will never be the same. I will never again feel the pure, unadulterated joy that I felt with Tammy. There is no "getting over" a loss like this; no "moving on". 

Finding Grief Healing Discussion Groups has helped me in many ways. The people here "get it". They know what this type of grief feels like. Over my two year journey members here have soothed my aching heart. At times their words have kept me from falling into a deep hole that I may never have gotten out of. I am grateful.

I've tried to "give back" to this community by helping others when I can. I think Tammy would be proud of that and proud of me for trying to have a life. This is so so very hard.

I can't believe it's been two years.

- Mitch

 

  • Upvote 8

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Image result for lit candle gif

Thinking of you and your beloved Tammy on this special day of remembrance, dear Mitch. She is but a breath away from where you are . . . 

  • Upvote 8

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Mitch,

Thinking of you and Tammy today.  We all know how very hard this is.  Tammy is proud of you for all the help you give people on this forum.

  • Upvote 5

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Mitch,

I am sure Tammy is proud of your accomplishments here, and in the rest of your life.  My thoughts are with you and Tammy,

Herc

  • Upvote 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Mitch, I hate remembering dates, but they always have a way of jumping on you even if you try to forget whether it is Saturday, 17th of any month, hate October.  Birthdays, Valentine's day, and of one thing I am grateful.  Billy's family never celebrated much, Santa Claus was a loud man that hit on the walls.  So, when we got together my celebrating was nothing if he had our daughter or his sister pick me out something.  Thankfully, It got to where our celebrating came in secondary to what a good fellow he was otherwise, and so thoughtful, and took such excellent care of me when I was ill.  But I have all the cards, always cards (except when I forgot to get him one for our 50th).  Did not do that on purpose.  But now that he is gone, I don't have to remember wonderful celebrations that don't have to hurt me more than I already do.  I don't miss them.  I miss him though.  I'm sorry for your sorrow, and all of ours.  

  • Upvote 6

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thinking of you, Mitch.  It's a hard time because people on the outside have such expecations things are better for us too.  

There is something about candles.  I have lit one every night for Steve since he died.  We always lit ones for our mothers and even dogs we lost.  Our living room looks really 'off' til I light them at night.  

  • Upvote 5

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

You have truly helped me more than once Mitch.  There were times when I just wanted to opt out of life but your posts have comforted me and inspired me.  I know Tammy must be proud of all you have done here and elsewhere in this world.  A love like yours does not fade it is an everlasting bloom.  

I'm sorry that Tammy was taken from the life you both loved.  ?

  • Upvote 7

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Mitch, 

Sorry to respond to this so late...I was shoveling snow from early to late last night.  You were in my thoughts yesterday.  It's weird how it can seem both like yesterday (like, how can it possibly have been two years?!) and forever ago.  Two, four, ten, it all seems the same after a while.  It's going through life without them.  And missing them so bad our heart feels like it'll burst.

Gwen,

I was touched that you have lit a candle every night for Steve.  Our vigils continue...

  • Upvote 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

No doubt people just don't understand...

I work with a woman who insists that "it's been two years and you definitely need someone in your life". Insists that she knows what is and isn't good for me. Even has the "perfect woman" in mind for me. Mind you, she's a widow herself. I have no doubt that, for her, finding a new love did the trick. But, like I told her, we're all different. We all do things at our own pace and in a way that's best for us. Still she persisted in telling me what I need and finally I had enough.

I told her in no uncertain terms to "drop it".

SMH... (shaking my head).

  • Upvote 7

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Mitch, you continue to be in my prayers and thoughts. This after life (loss) is like nothing we could have grasped or imagined. Today, is a tough emotional day for me (no particular reason)... It is a day in the afterlife.  - Shalom

  • Upvote 7

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Mitch,

I was thinking about time this morning...I can't make myself say approaching 2 1/2 years; I still count the months.  Saturday was 27 of them.  Two years makes it sound so long, and it IS long; a long time to be without the person who was our world.  But where did two years go?  I am sure that Tammy would be (and is) VERY proud of you.  She whispers each day to "keep going forward".  You and everyone else on this site knows each of our journeys is individual and unique.  Helping those who came after we did is a remarkable thing.  Just keep doing what you do. 

  • Upvote 7

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm 2 years to the day as of tomorrow. I feel your pain. It hurts me that my life has moved so far from ours. That there has been so much change and that I just carry on. I feel mixed emotions about doing so well in my new life. And I NEVER stop missing my Jack! I wish he were here now so bad I dream about it all the time! Just silly daily tasks or conversations we have in my dreams lately. Kind of a gift to be able to spend time with him. Even if it is only in dream. I know it sounds kind of crazy by I don't care. I am lucky to still have him in my life in some form. I miss my best friend, as I know you miss your Tammy! I just hope these anniversaries become less painful for both of us! I've been crying tons for the last few days myself off and on. 

 

Best St of luck to you during this time Mitch. 

  • Upvote 6

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Mitch, sometimes I feel ancient and sometimes age gives me a pang, just a tiny one.  I am so happy we knew each other 55 years.  I do not get people expecting me to find companionship.  I have been there and I have done that.  Five more years would have been nice.  Fifty-five impossible, but I better be thankful for what I had.  Many, many were not that lucky.  I realize that.  He did suffer a couple of weeks in the hospital.  But so many suffered very long times.  We did not even know he was so sick but five weeks.  I have many things to be thankful for.  And at long last, I am thankful, just a little bit.  I say I have never been on my own, but Billy let me make most of the decisions for a bunch of years, so I was not totally helpless.  I miss him terribly, but one good thing about age, you realize time is a small worry.  

  • Upvote 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
4 hours ago, Marg M said:

 I have many things to be thankful for.  And at long last, I am thankful, just a little bit.  

Marg, when you're in the kind of emotional pain we're in, finding things to be thankful for is real blessing. I'm glad you're seeing some positive light in your journey.

Me, I'll always feel blessed that Tammy came into my life. Thankful that she said yes when I asked her to be my bride. 

But it will always hurt knowing that she died so young. We had so much more love to give each other and so much more life to live.

Those "what ifs" and those "should've and could've beens" often bring me to my knees in excruciating pain. Yet somehow, I'm able to co-exist with that pain and live my life in a somewhat hopeful way.

I hope that someday I'll find even a small measure of happiness again and find some purpose and meaning in all of this gut wrenching agony.

  • Upvote 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

This reminds me of the old woman and the much younger widows who met in a grief group.  One woman told the other that she had met all the milestones that the younger woman would never have.  The old woman said the amount of time and milestones did not make her loss any greater or less, it only made her time in this world less.  There will never be a life for the old woman, and though the younger woman grieves the same, and just as much, she still has a life with open possibility, the old woman does not, yet the pain of their loss is the same. We don't know who holds tomorrow, so we wait.  We wait for something we can hold on to, even if that small thing is being glad he did not suffer long like my dad did, and his dad did. Not much to go on. Small blesings.  Nothing I Can do will fill this empty space.  

 

  • Upvote 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Going over things that might have given us a different outcome in the loss of our spouses is a total waste of our healing energy. We cannot change anything. We also know that they would want us to go on.  One thing that we can say in our defense of grieving as long as we need to: Yes, our loved ones would want us to go on, but they would not have knowledge as to how very HARD it would be.  Yes, us younger widows do have a life with so many possibilities, but we also have a longer time to have that absence; that void that cannot be filled. Each journey is individual and some people heal quicker, move forward at a quicker pace.  Timelines for grief only exist for those who are not in the midst of it. We are all entitled to grieve as deep and as long as is necessary for each of us.  But one thing we need to remember is that even in our grief, we need to keep some motion forward. If we shut all the windows and doors and seal them up, pull down all the blinds and sit in the dark, how is light ever going to enter again?  Of course our first response is to turn away from it...that we are grieving and there should be NO light.  But in all matters of being a human being, life DOES find a way.  When you are in the first deep days ,weeks months of grief, you do not wish to see it and do not feel it is right to even want it.  But that little voice you hear that says, "hey, take a walk outside" comes from our loved ones trying to encourage us.  When we are deep in our grief, it is harder to hear or feel them trying to reach us.  We KNOW they do not leave us; who else would want to give us the comfort we need.  They can't take the hurt away, but they can stay near us and keep trying to send us thoughts, and messages and something to continue to guide us.  Think back (if you can) to that first time that you REALLY smiled...something brought that smile out. We were open enough, had let go of that grief for a moment or two, and they slipped in next to us and helped us see it.  Their spirit no longer holds the heaviness and burdens they had while they were with us; illness and pain are gone and they are completely filled with LOVE and they want us to have a part of that, even in their absence.  I am not sure where all these thoughts are coming from, but respect everyone on this forum enough to say it.  Many of us lost our spouses within the same time frame.  We cannot say or believe we are happy on this new journey.  But there has been a moving forward, and a level of acceptance that we can live with.  That is not to say that we do not find ourselves back in that dark place.  Our journey will NEVER be a straight line.  It does NOT mean we do not miss our loved ones each minute of every day, and would give anything to turn back the clock.  We know how hard it is to want the one thing we can NEVER have.  But that love we have for them still...it helps keep us going.  The first question we asked right after the loss was "how can I survive without them?".  The answer turns out to be "how can we not?"

  • Upvote 7

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Maryann -

So very well said.  This resonates with me and helps me put my grief in perspective.  It is that perspective that is so difficult to maintain.  

  • Upvote 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I have heard it said that happiness is a choice.  If that is the case sometimes I must choose well and sometimes I don't do so well.  But I do my best, always.

  • Upvote 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Deedo always maintained her greatest gift was the ability to find happiness in any situation.  She didn't have the best childhood, neglectful mother, alcoholic father and yet she was always happy.  Her first marriage was to a physically/emotionally abusive spouse and again she found happiness in her life.  She is my hero.

  • Upvote 5

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I am not sure, but think I wrote my piece above between 2:00 a.m. and 4:00 a.m.  Exactly three years ago to the date I was in the hospital, unconscious, and to my surprise (I was later to learn) might not make it.  Last night I ate some brisket and less than an hour after I ate it (and I was hungry, so I ate a lot of food), anyhow, it all came back up and kept coming back up. I can only assume it was food poisoning.  I finally was able to keep some ginger ale down later in the night.  But until that time I spent it all in our single bathroom.  At the other house we had two.  I took my wastebasket with me to the bedroom, lay down, but you know how it is with food poisoning.  I am fine this morning.  Did run a temperature last night.  Could not sleep so got on here with my Kindle.  I'm much better this morning but hopefully will not overload my "innards" again.  I am stubborn though.  

If any of us had the answers to grief, there would be no need for this forum.  We definitely all travel a different path.  When I would cry until I could not breathe, I found the feeling so peaceful, just to slip away, it would be so easy.  At the time, I did not worry about the feelings of the rest of my family.  I just wanted to stay with Billy and this seemed such a peaceful way to go, just don't breathe.  

Hating the counting of months, tomorrow will be 17 months.  I can do some things I could not do six months ago, and certainly some things I could not do 15, 16, and 17 months ago.  Our paths are all different, our pain is all the same, some things we realize we cannot keep, so we hide them away, they are ours and only ours.  Only sure thing is, and accepting this is the hardest thing, they are not going to return.  We all walk a different path, but in the beginning it was the same.  And, understanding it will never happen.  The old woman has possibly less time, the young woman has more time, but her grief will be longer, unless she learns to live without the most important person in her life.  She begrudges the old woman her milestones, the old woman might (and might not) begrudge the young woman her time.  We still go alone.  And we each either look back and remember the good times (took me a long time to do this).  We sometimes rely on music to help us out of our moods and then that one song will throw us to our knees, we watch TV and actually look forward to seeing our shows, Then one of those shows features an ER scene that will make us more aware of our loss.  

Brad, Billy was my hero.  We look back on how they came from an impossible life to a life that they did learn how to make lemonade. None of us have the answers, but we sure have a lot of questions that cannot be answered.

grief1.jpg

  • Upvote 7

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
5 hours ago, Froggie4635 said:

Going over things that might have given us a different outcome in the loss of our spouses is a total waste of our healing energy. We cannot change anything. We also know that they would want us to go on.  One thing that we can say in our defense of grieving as long as we need to: Yes, our loved ones would want us to go on, but they would not have knowledge as to how very HARD it would be.  Yes, us younger widows do have a life with so many possibilities, but we also have a longer time to have that absence; that void that cannot be filled. Each journey is individual and some people heal quicker, move forward at a quicker pace.  Timelines for grief only exist for those who are not in the midst of it. We are all entitled to grieve as deep and as long as is necessary for each of us.  But one thing we need to remember is that even in our grief, we need to keep some motion forward. If we shut all the windows and doors and seal them up, pull down all the blinds and sit in the dark, how is light ever going to enter again?  Of course our first response is to turn away from it...that we are grieving and there should be NO light.  But in all matters of being a human being, life DOES find a way.  When you are in the first deep days ,weeks months of grief, you do not wish to see it and do not feel it is right to even want it.  But that little voice you hear that says, "hey, take a walk outside" comes from our loved ones trying to encourage us.  When we are deep in our grief, it is harder to hear or feel them trying to reach us.  We KNOW they do not leave us; who else would want to give us the comfort we need.  They can't take the hurt away, but they can stay near us and keep trying to send us thoughts, and messages and something to continue to guide us.  Think back (if you can) to that first time that you REALLY smiled...something brought that smile out. We were open enough, had let go of that grief for a moment or two, and they slipped in next to us and helped us see it.  Their spirit no longer holds the heaviness and burdens they had while they were with us; illness and pain are gone and they are completely filled with LOVE and they want us to have a part of that, even in their absence.  I am not sure where all these thoughts are coming from, but respect everyone on this forum enough to say it.  Many of us lost our spouses within the same time frame.  We cannot say or believe we are happy on this new journey.  But there has been a moving forward, and a level of acceptance that we can live with.  That is not to say that we do not find ourselves back in that dark place.  Our journey will NEVER be a straight line.  It does NOT mean we do not miss our loved ones each minute of every day, and would give anything to turn back the clock.  We know how hard it is to want the one thing we can NEVER have.  But that love we have for them still...it helps keep us going.  The first question we asked right after the loss was "how can I survive without them?".  The answer turns out to be "how can we not?"

Froggie4635:  I hate to say this, but I still ask myself how I can survive without him; not every minute, but often enough.  I am having some hard days; don't really know why.  It's been 21 months, but still.....I do still do everything like I did from the get go, but my heart is not in most of it.  I do smile, have laughs, etc., but always back to the same sorrow eventually and wondering how much longer I have here.  The only advantage I can see in being older is that I probably have less time left on this earth.  I would like it to be great again, full of love, but wonder how a 67-year-old widow is going to achieve that, especially the companion part.  I'm not giving up, just saying most of the time I feel less than excited about life now.  Of course, you want to hear that will change....if only.  I used to love life and be very content in it...God, I would give anything to go back there.....but, trying to keep moving forward, hoping for new joy and hoping I will eventually come to just be able to feel joy over what I had and not have it associated with so much pain and yearning.....Cookie

  • Upvote 5

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On ‎03‎/‎07‎/‎2017 at 4:42 PM, mittam99 said:

No doubt people just don't understand...

I work with a woman who insists that "it's been two years and you definitely need someone in your life". Insists that she knows what is and isn't good for me. Even has the "perfect woman" in mind for me. Mind you, she's a widow herself. I have no doubt that, for her, finding a new love did the trick. But, like I told her, we're all different. We all do things at our own pace and in a way that's best for us. Still she persisted in telling me what I need and finally I had enough.

I told her in no uncertain terms to "drop it".

SMH... (shaking my head).

Mitch:  No, people don't understand.  I think I want new love, but what I've come to realize is I want the love I had back....I'm so glad you told her to DROP IT!  Cookie

  • Upvote 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...