Two years without my beloved Tammy

[mittam99]

Another one of those milestone days in my life after Tammy. Today is my 62nd birthday (wow that's a lot of them) and it's hard to believe it's my third one without Tammy. I spent most of my morning doing yard work and laundry... very exciting!

It's another day to reflect on my life alone. It's anything but easy. But, there's one thing I have that will always be a source of strength. And that's the fact that I had a wonderful wife and a life with her that I will cherish forever. A love story for the ages. Sure the pain of my loss is a constant yet it's those memories of my life with sweet Tammy that I draw on for comfort and courage in those difficult moments.

Tammy will always be my inspiration.

 

[brat#2]

Happy Birthday Mitch!!!  Try to do something fun for yourself today, I know it won't be easy, but you deserve it.  Hugs

Joyce

 

[Gin]

Happy Birthday Mitch.  I know it is not the same without Tammy.

Gin

[Widowedbysuicide]

I admire your strength and dedication Mitch.  Tammy lives on in you and she is a wonderful person.

Happy Birthday to you.  I hope you find some enjoyment in your day.

62 candles - ?

[KarenK]

Happy Birthday, Mitch. Your celebration activities sound a lot like mine did back in March.  lol  I'll forever miss that call from my daughter and Ron's and my birthday dinners combined. Today was my mother's birthday also. She would be 107. She lived to 96, so 62 is still a baby.

[MartyT]

dear Mitch!

[kayc]

Happy Birthday, Mitch!  62nd birthday is good because it means you can file social security if something happens, always good to know!  It's a relief to start reaching what they call the "entitlements" age!  We've worked hard for it.  I know you're not interested in retiring early though, you have mice and a car to pay for.   

I know it's not the same, having a birthday without Tammy here to celebrate with you and give you one of her big smiles, but I like to think she's there all the same...

[mittam99]

I don't know if anyone else here experiences this but I thought I'd share...

Often times, I'll be doing something, could be surfing online, working on a project or just thinking about something. And a certain sense of calm, sort of a comforting, peaceful feeling comes over me. The feeling that although I can't see Tammy her essence is somehow experiencing what I am. That she is by my side giving me her love and her affection. Hard to explain really.  I just know that my life with Tammy and the love we shared will live within me forever. And that's a very good thing.

[Widowedbysuicide]

I am so glad that Tammy is there with you.  It must be an awesome feeling Mitch!  I hope this continues for you ?

[scba]

On 2017-5-15 at 9:46 PM, mittam99 said:

I don't know if anyone else here experiences this but I thought I'd share...

Often times, I'll be doing something, could be surfing online, working on a project or just thinking about something. And a certain sense of calm, sort of a comforting, peaceful feeling comes over me. The feeling that although I can't see Tammy her essence is somehow experiencing what I am. That she is by my side giving me her love and her affection. Hard to explain really.  I just know that my life with Tammy and the love we shared will live within me forever. And that's a very good thing.

Mitch, first of all "happy" belated birthday. I hope you had a peacful or good day in whatever way that could have been.

What you told us that you experienced, it happened to me too but it is rare and doesn't last long. Anyway, I'm glad you are feeling that way and that helps you.

Peace to you.

 

 

[mittam99]

Anna, that feeling isn't a constant for me, either. When it does happen though, it is a very, very peaceful feeling.

Tammy always made me feel better and she still influences me in a positive way today.

[mittam99]

Four years ago today, my beloved Tammy died. She wasn't just my perfect wife, she was my best friend. She wasn't just my lover, she was the only one in the world that accepted me, warts and all. Simply put, she was my everything. She was my world. Long time members here know she lived with Lupus for nearly half of her life. That she had numerous brushes with death and countless medical ordeals. But when she came home the evening of March 4th 2015, we both had high hopes. She just won another medical battle after a long time in the hospital and rehab center. Things looked promising. She had renewed hope that things would turn around.

Two days later though, there I was sitting in the hospital waiting to hear news of my beloved Tammy who was rushed by ambulance once again. The news was the end of my world as I knew it. My beautiful Tammy, the love of my life, was gone. She was just 45 years old. 

Fast forward to today. Four years into my grief "journey". I still am lost and I'm not sure if I will ever really find my way again. My W2 form now shows me as "single" but I still feel married. To the point that, even today, I tell Tammy I love her as I walk out the door going to work.  I don't know how to get beyond "functioning".  How do I transform my existence into something truly meaningful? I simply may not be capable of that. I'm not happy with where I'm at but I'm still hopeful that in time, I will find my direction. A direction that will take me to a place with some contentment, comfort and some maybe a bit of happiness.

Tammy... I love you forever and always,

Mitch

[brat#2]

Hugs to you Mitch

 

[Widowedbysuicide]

❤️

[Margm]

On 5/15/2017 at 7:46 PM, mittam99 said:

And a certain sense of calm, sort of a comforting, peaceful feeling comes over me.

Brianna had the salt shaker move 2-3 inches while she was watching it.  She kept telling me about it and I figured some water had gotten underneath it and kinda bubbled it downward away from where it had been.  Then last night, I had the ear buds listening to "sleep music" and had an odd feeling I cannot describe.  Nothing I could see or feel, but Billy came directly to my mind and at first it kind of scared me, but I told him "good night Billy" and wish it was him instead of maybe a TIA or something signifying a stroke.  Had taken my blood pressure med and just had not had that feeling before.  It was not like it was on my skin, but just close, just a moment.  As crazy as it sounds, things like that don't really happen to me.  Now, I do talk to Billy before I go to sleep, him and Jesus both.  Like I've said, they probably shrug their shoulders and both listen.  Brianna said though, if he did talk to me it would scare me to death and he would not do that.  That is true.  Probably just nothing, but no fan was on, no window open, not expected.  Maybe even a little alarmed.  But playing with Brianna is something Billy would do.  She knows it too.  Probably will never happen again.  Did kind of alarm me though.  

[kayc]

17 hours ago, mittam99 said:

I'm not happy with where I'm at but I'm still hopeful that in time, I will find my direction.

I hope that for you too, Mitch, that's my hope for us all.  I know she was your everything...those of us here, we had partners that were our everything...we were the lucky ones in the world.  I know what it is to be married to someone who doesn't fit that bill, but this once in my life, I got it right.  It seems we're all paying the price for that now, it's hard to bear.

Wishing you some peace and purpose...

[scba]

I understand, I know how must have been your and Tammy´s life, because our life also turned around a chronic disease that eventually killed him. 

Sure I have had very good moments, after I mean. Life is in shades of low quality colours now, things fade away quickly. I think of what I do really care about. I don´t have an inmediate answer. 

Someone told me once: "you will get used to". Didn´t mention to what, but whatever that is, I got used to grief.  

 I haven´t found what can I do of use with my grief. 

Peace to you, today and tomorrow. To everyone here.

Ana

 

 

[Gwenivere]

4 hours ago, scba said:

ISomeone told me once: "you will get used to". Didn´t mention to what, but whatever that is, I got used to grief.   I haven´t found what can I do of use with my grief.

I don’t know who said that to you, but they haven’t a clue.  That is why I don’t like saying over 4 years now.  Like it’s supposed to be so much easier or the grief over.  This usually comes from people who have not lost thier partner.  Now I just say he’s been gone too long.  

I haven’t a clue of what to do with this grief either.  I can’t make it move out.  It lives in me every single day.  Things come up I now have to do.  I really miss laughing.  It dawned on me I haven’t truly laughed in a very long time.  All I can do is reassure others what they feel is normal, our new normal.  The normal we are stuck with we never wanted.  As for the rest of it?  It’s creeped into every crevice of my home and heart.  Just spent hours setting up a check in system with my cousin to call every day to see I am OK as no one notice if I had an emergency.  Then people that have keys if I don’t call her back in 24 hours.  Just emphasizes how alone and unsafe I feel without my my other half.  I will never stop wanting him back.  😪

[scba]

8 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I don’t know who said that to you, but they haven’t a clue.  

No they don`t. However, with 5 years into it, I`ve given up on teaching/explaining. I`ve arrived to a place of "absolving" clueless people/friends/relatives/acquaintances, if that is a good word.

I acknowledge that I may feel frustration, anger, guilt and resentment but I try not to fuel these. It only affects me and makes ME and only me feel worse. They mess up things even more. And for what? For nothing. I`m still in the same place: I lost him. 

The thing is, I`m not sure if I`m going to be by their side when and if the time arrives for them to be in this journey. I may not. I feel bad thinking this way. 

[Kieron]

26 minutes ago, scba said:

I`ve arrived to a place of "absolving" clueless people/friends/relatives/acquaintances, if that is a good word.

That IS a good word.  But then I'm a writer and I love words.   I'll definitely remember that one.

[kayc]

15 hours ago, scba said:

Life is in shades of low quality colours now, things fade away quickly.

I've found that my life used to be in vibrant color...now it's in shades of gray.

15 hours ago, scba said:

Someone told me once: "you will get used to". Didn´t mention to what, but whatever that is, I got used to grief.  

That someone could have been me...we can grow accustomed to it so that we no longer expect them at the door, no longer expect them on the other end of the phone, know we aren't going to have them to hold at night or enjoy the weekend with.  It doesn't lessen the missing them at all, nor the love in our hearts but eventually our tears dry up and it is kind of like a cold steel we carry inside of us as we learn to coexist with our grief.  On the surface we can enjoy something in life, a kind friend, a beautiful moment, but always, just below the surface, is the awareness that life is now different and we carry our pain.  This is the "getting used to" part.

[kayc]

11 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Like it’s supposed to be so much easier or the grief over.

No, it doesn't make life easier and the grief is never over.  It's always inside us, it's ours to bear.

[widow'15]

14 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I really miss laughing.  It dawned on me I haven’t truly laughed in a very long time.  All I can do is reassure others what they feel is normal, our new normal.  The normal we are stuck with we never wanted.  As for the rest of it?  It’s creeped into every crevice of my home and heart.  Just spent hours setting up a check in system with my cousin to call every day to see I am OK as no one notice if I had an emergency.  Then people that have keys if I don’t call her back in 24 hours.  Just emphasizes how alone and unsafe I feel without my my other half.  I will never stop wanting him back.  😪

Gwen:  I so miss my husband's ability to make me laugh no matter where we were; in the grocery store, in a restaurant, anywhere.  In fact when we first started dating way back in 1964,  I think that was what made me fall in love with him.  He had that gift. 

The first time I heard the term "new normal" was in a Griefshare support group meeting and from that moment on I hated that phrase and still don't like it,  even though it is a perfect description of where we are without our partners.

Good you have a "check in system".  I do the same with my son by texting him each morning, "Am ok".  And, my daughter bought one of those things for me to wear my cell phone around my neck when I am outside  and away from a landline.  Dee

[Johnny]

Mitch, I understand when you said " I don't know how to get beyond "functioning".  How do I transform my existence into something truly meaningful?".

I am "functioning". Functioning doesn't really feel like living. I don't know how to get past this either.

I have heard others say that "if all you have managed to do is make one other persons passage through this life a little easier; lightened their burden; then you have lived a successful life".

I feel that for me life can only be truly meaningful if I were capable of feeling the kind of love I had for my dear beloved wife Rene'e again. I gave that love to her and she took it with her and now it only exist in my heart and in my memories. I think that is the problem, I want that kind of love again but even if I were to find someone else to love, it would be different because it would not be Rene'e.

Life and love just seems less than. The only true meaning now may be to find a way to help others, lighten their burden. 

 

[mittam99]

Johnny, it's now been four years since Tammy died and I'm still in the "functioning, but not living life to it's fullest" mode. I just don't know what to do or how to take the next step. Living life where love is only a memory is difficult to say the least. For a long time, I felt like if I enjoyed myself I was somehow diminishing the love I had with Tammy. In some ways I know that's sort of absurd, yet, in my mind, I believed it. I know Tammy would never want me to hurt or be wasting my life away. But here I am, a man alone with no joy, no real passion and little to look forward to.

I guess what's holding me back is... me. Maybe I'm afraid to take new steps in a new direction. Maybe this life I live, as dull and monotonous as it is, is simply easier and safer than trying something out of my comfort zone. It's pretty bad when your only contact with other people is basically at work. I come home and it's Groundhog day over and over and over. You get used to it but it's anything but satisfying. I mean, how much Netflix can you binge watch before you say, "no mas!"? In my case, I apparently have a high tolerance for mind-numbing boredom.😏

I haven't given up hope though. Hope that I can find some purpose and meaning. Hope that I can break out of these chains I seem to be wearing. Hope that I can find my way to a better, and more than just functional mindset.

Mitch