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mittam99

Two years without my beloved Tammy

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Mitch, the term I use often is "my half-life."  During the bad moments and days, I feel like I'm half-shadow

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1 hour ago, mittam99 said:

I apparently have a high tolerance for mind-numbing boredom.😏

I had to smile at that, I get you, I really do.  Imagine not having work and you have my life!  I keep busy, doing the church books, Praise Team practice, helping at the senior site, walking Arlie, I have a weekly ladies group I attend, but nothing, nothing is like it was!  At the end of the day I'm home with no one to share my day with, no one to cuddle up with, and not a day goes by but what I miss my George just like you miss your Tammy.  

Yesterday I went to a dermatologist and had some moles removed, and with all these spots on my back that will be festering, she said to keep them clean, dress them, can put on antibiotic, etc...how am I supposed to do that?  She said to have someone do that.  Someone...who?  Am I supposed to go to my neighbors and say, "Hey, you want to do this?"  Ha!  People don't have a clue what it's like to live alone.  Not a clue.

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9 hours ago, kayc said:

Yesterday I went to a dermatologist and had some moles removed, and with all these spots on my back that will be festering, she said to keep them clean, dress them, can put on antibiotic, etc...how am I supposed to do that?  She said to have someone do that.  Someone...who?  Am I supposed to go to my neighbors and say, "Hey, you want to do this?"  Ha!  People don't have a clue what it's like to live alone.  Not a clue.

You could ask your neighbors to help. Might be a unique way to find a new friend. 😋

Can you imagine this pick up line at a bar...

"Hey, how would you like to go back to my place and bandage me?". 😀

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7 hours ago, kayc said:

I had to smile at that, I get you, I really do.  Imagine not having work and you have my life!  

Egads Kay!  From my side of the fence you have so much to do.  I can hardly do anything anymore because of pain and my anxiety attacks are back.  I know you feel the loneliness as we all do.  I’m just doing that stupid comparing of how I have to just watch the hours pass, Hope I can get done things that have to and see I could fill much time with all kinds of doctor appointments and tests ordered.  My counselor canceled today and I’m a mess about it. The quitting smoking is driving me insane b ecause it has changed how my body works and my medications effectiveness.  She dared get sick and I need to cry with another human being.  I think of that storm you went thru and the strength you have.  I would have seriously lost it.  Plus in withdrawals from 3 must have meds.

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Hello Mitch,

When you said "It's pretty bad when your only contact with other people is basically at work;" describes my life now perfectly. Only now, the people I work with realize I'm not the "Johnny" they were used to before my dear Rene'e passed away. There is no faking it. I know what you are saying, because when you commit yourself so fully and completely to such a single purpose, giving your entire life and all  your love to the person you plan on being with forever, it changes something fundamental way deep down inside. You are not just you any more. You are one half of a greater whole encapsulating you both. Only together, as husband and wife, are you whole again.

This is not the world I lived in before I met Rene'e, and this is not the world I lived in when I was with Rene'e. This is a "Strange World". A world where I am only a half, not a whole anymore.   A world where smiling faces are ever so rare. The smiles no longer are meant for me. I heard about bad things happening, but somehow I was buffered from the bad until it happened to me. It just doesn't seem real until it comes home where it hurts most. And, when it does, it feels like there is just no going back. It would just require to much effort and may not even be possible, forcing me to turn a blind eye to the lurking bad that I know is always out there. I know this firsthand. I know this way down at the center of my being.

Here I am, but I'm not really there. I am always with her, at best, only half here. It seems easier and safer to be alone, but it is not. It's just a facade. This half life alone drains the remaining life away. And, nothing will ever be safe again. It's a very difficult question of how to go on alone, with no joy, no real passion, and very little to look forward to.

It's only going on six months for me, the truth is that the hope and confidence in life I had before is no longer the same hope and confidence I have in life today. I can't imagine myself feeling any different in the future.

I too, hope I can find my way to a better place. I too, hope I can somehow find a way to not hurt so much. I know Rene'e would have wanted me to pick up the pieces and put my life back together again. I have just simply forgotten how to. It all seems so very, very, far away. I want to be the person my wife fell in love with. 😌 

That is who I really am. Not this. This grief ravaged remains.

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Last night I got the call we never want from our dermatologist, I have Melanoma.  After a fitful night I didn't wait for the scheduler, I'm glad I didn't, I'm set for surgery 5/10 and talked with my little sister about what I can expect.  My mom, dad, and little sister have all had it (she's the only one full blooded with me) so I guess it was just a matter of time even though I try to avoid the sun as much as I can.

I DID manage to clear my other pile of trees/branches, all by myself, the guy never came and cut them in half for me or helped, but after two months of waiting, well, let's just say I'm rather strong-minded.  I wanted to get it done before surgery date.  I now am down to one burn pile that I can light in the fall and the storm will be officially behind me!  

Mitch, thanks for the laugh but no bars and no neighbors, I'd call someone from the church first.  ;)  If I get desperate I'll take a package of bandages to my ladies group and make someone help me!

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18 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

My counselor canceled today and I’m a mess about it. The quitting smoking is driving me insane b ecause it has changed how my body works and my medications effectiveness.

I'm sorry, Gwen.  But I have to hand it to you, you had the gumption to quit smoking and that's something my sister Peggy has never been willing to do, you're trying to do what's best for you even though it's damn hard and I'm proud of you.  I am sorry your counselor is sick, I hope next week you're able to pour your heart out to her and can get strength for another day...

And I sure as hell didn't feel strong in that storm!  I felt isolated, scared, very alone.  That I survived it and people came through for me (my son, the pastor, my son's friends) was an encouragement that things sometimes have a way of working out even when we can't see how they will.

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16 hours ago, Johnny said:

I too, hope I can find my way to a better place.

I admit it took me years to process George's death, years more to find purpose, and years more to build a life I could live.  You all have heard me say it before and it's true, it's nothing like the life I had with George, nothing will ever be like that again.  Gradually I got used to the changes it has meant for my life, that the unthinkable has happened, but I try to make the best of it, try to find some good in my life in the here and now, and it may be a sign of desperation that I accept and embrace the little good things that come my way but it's been the only way I can live this life and I welcome any good, no matter how small.

I have learned that I am a whole person who is half of a couple...it only makes sense when you look at it from mathematical experience...I am still me, I've always been me in my own right, but with George I felt complete, if that makes any sense.

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Kay, I'm so sorry to hear that you have melanoma.  You will be in my thoughts and prayers that they caught it in time and that they can get it all with the surgery.  Sending hugs....

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2 hours ago, kayc said:

Last night I got the call we never want from our dermatologist, I have Melanoma.  After a fitful night I didn't wait for the scheduler, I'm glad I didn't, I'm set for surgery 5/10 and talked with my little sister about what I can expect.  My mom, dad, and little sister have all had it (she's the only one full blooded with me) so I guess it was just a matter of time even though I try to avoid the sun as much as I can

Kayc:  Positive thoughts and prayers as you wait for surgery to remove Melanoma and then the waiting to learn what your next step will be.  The waiting and wishing and hoping and praying is so hard.  Hugs.  Dee

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Will be thinking the best for you, Kay, on the surgery and outcome.  🦋

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Kay,

So sorry to read about your diagnosis! 

You will also be in my prayers that your surgery goes well and you have a complete recovery.

Sending peace and blessings to you, as the “hurry up and wait” for the 10th to arrive seems a taxing time, so be extra good to yourself.

 

 

 

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My insurance says they need preauth from the doctor, if they put it through as emergency it takes three days but he gets back on vacation on the 8th so they may have to reschedule me, I'm not happy about that because of their bureaucracy.  Am trying to see if the office can request it w/o him, so far no luck.

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KayC, Best wishes for you in the upcoming days.

Once again in my heart I know that you are right. Thank you for your experience and wisdom.

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My dear Kay, I've only just now read your awful news, and I'm so sorry that you've been hit with yet another catastrophe! Not fair. Not fair at all! We'll all be crossing our fingers and toes, holding our collective breath, and keeping you in our thoughts and prayers. Now that you have the diagnosis, having this taken care of ASAP is of the utmost importance, and I'm sure the 10th of May must seem like light years away ~ and even now you're not certain of the date for your surgery! Keep the faith, dear one, and know that our entire tribe is pulling for you! :wub:

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Kay,

Just read your "news". Please know that I am thinking of you and sending good vibes your way. I am blessed with a million moles and accumulate more the older I get.  I have a checkup every year to make sure all is well. At least 20 years ago, I had a Melanoma removed from my lower spine. A bit worrisome because of the location, but a specialist did the surgery and all has been fine since. We love you and are all in your corner.

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Good vibes from here also.  Once saw a movie about a doc that got the same treatment he gave his patients.  None of us like to wait and they always make us wait.  I'm sorry Kay, it is scary to get news of any sort about our health and to have to wait for results is more terrifying than the procedure.  They had to get my son's doc off the golf course when he had emergency surgery when his gallbladder had grown into his liver.  Thank goodness he came on fast.  My best of wishes and prayers for you.  With your family's history, it is good you caught it fast.  

 

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I really have no idea how long it's been present, this was my first referral to a dermatologist.  I tried to get in to one a few years ago and couldn't on my own.  There seems to be a shortage of them.

Thank you for all of your thoughts and prayers.  Karen, that sounds like it must have been a really hard place, I'm glad mine is on my arm.

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Hello KayC. 

I just read the ,,news ,, about your health.

God Be with You. I will pray for your health and speedy recovery.

In the 10th of may I will be thininking of You. 

God bless You.

Ela

 

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Thank you, Ela!  I appreciate it.

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Kay, my best wishes. I know it's extra hard to face things without the one who would have been your #1 support, ❤️🐼

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On 5/1/2019 at 3:39 AM, mittam99 said:

I come home and it's Groundhog day over and over and over. You get used to it but it's anything but satisfying. I mean, how much Netflix can you binge watch before you say, "no mas!"? In my case, I apparently have a high tolerance for mind-numbing boredom.😏

I thought about you, Mitch, as I watched Groundhog Day last night.  One of those hot days where you couldn't do much late afternoon, and wouldn't you know that would be on.  I thought about our lives, how it's lather, rinse, repeat.  So much joy gone out of them!  It's not the same without my partner in crime, we would be camping if he were here.  Missing him so much...

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