Devastation, perseverance, hope

[mittam99]

Sometimes it all just feels like it's too much. Since December, things have been challenging both emotionally and financially. December was once a favorite month but those feelings have turned to sadness. December 24th is our wedding anniversary and Christmas was Tammy's favorite. It was two years ago that Tammy's health took a turn for the worst and all those memories are on my mind. March 6th was the two year anniversary of Tammy's sudden death.

It's hard not to feel depressed with all those emotional traumas weighing on my mind. Adding to that has been the financial stress of owning an older home. In the past few months I've been dealing with:

A severe problem with mice

Having to purchase a new stove

Repairing quite a few ares of my home due to shoddy construction

Having to pay to have a couple of huge trees removed

Needing to purchase a new refrigerator

Needing to replace my 30 year old roof

Needing to replace some windows and screens

The list seems to go on and on...

There are times I simply don't know how I do it. Living a life with a measure of hope in a world that often feels so bleak and dismal and futile. Longing for Tammy to be here and sharing our life together once again. Fighting those battles and comforting each other. Assuring each other that everything will be OK.

Yes, I have moments... days... sometimes weeks where I wonder why I even bother. Why I try so hard. And then it all comes back to me. I am still alive. There must be a reason. I choose to persevere and stand tall and push forward through the devastation. Tammy is always on my mind and always a part of me. She wouldn't want me to just give up on life. She always told me that I was special and had much to offer the world. She always told me there was nothing I couldn't do. The sky is the limit.

Tammy has always been my inspiration. She had more courage than anyone I've ever known or will ever know. She set the bar high when it comes to being a good person.

I will always do my best to make her proud.

Mitch

[Gin]

Mitch,

I know how hard all this is.  I am fighting the same battles without Al.  We had a lot of snow lately.  Al and I would shovel together. He would tell me to slow down.  I would tell him that with all his medical problems he should not even be out doing this.  Then I would shovel 1 or 2 sidewalk squares and he would do the next.  I miss him so much and sometimes I wonder how I can keep going on.  There is so much that needs to be done in the house and this 77 year old can't do it.  I will keep on trying because I know he would want me to.  He always said, "life is for the living".  Sometimes I wonder if I am really living.  And what kind of a life do I really have.  We have to keep hope and persevere in this devastation.  I am thinking about you, Mitch.

Gin

[Cookie]

Mitch:  You are special from what I can tell.  You have offered me hope several times.  I can relate to you and Gin.  I also feel so alone with the problems of my house and just navigating life alone.  My husband built our house and knew it inside and out and loved doing the repairs, etc.  I am a poor replacement for that.  I know nothing about this stuff and every time something happens, I feel so incompetent and wonder how long I can stand this.  I also manage to keep going, but, yes, you just wonder how much more you can take.  I felt so bad for you after reading your list.  I have huge property management issues.  I cannot keep it all up myself and every spring need to find someone I can afford to help me.  I intend to sell this place at some point, but for now I can't mobilize to do it.  I am slowly trying to do something with all his tools and all the things he stored in the barn that he was going to use someday on some project.  I have solar panels, solar storage tank, fencing, pedestal since, tons of jacks, etc.  I could go on and on.  It is overwhelming.....I wish a good resolution to this for all of us.  Know that you matter to me here in this forum....fondly, Cookie

[kayc]

Mitch,

I hope you didn't get plummeted with snow on top of it all so you can get your trees removed.  I know how it is getting inundated with everything (expensive) hitting at once and no spouse to go through it with.  They were our moral support at the very least.  It's hard being alone and doing everything on your own.  I hope things get better for you soon!

[mittam99]

Kay, we got the snow but we've had much worse. I took it in stride.

The biggest thing is life without Tammy still feels like going through the motions. Maybe that's how it will always feel and I just need to accept that. On the other hand, I'm hoping my life will become more than just an existence. As always, it's one day at a time and we'll see what tomorrow brings.

 

[Marie Lee]

Hugs to you Mitch....it's all so overwhelming sometimes :-/

[kayc]

Yeah, it looks like the predictions were more dire than the actuality, thankfully.  I don't know your zip code but did look up MD weather and the pictures didn't look as bad as they'd thought it'd be.