So tomorrow it will have been 2 years since Jack died in my arms

[JHCP]

Jack passed away two years ago as of tomorrow. It was a traumatic day for me as it happened on the way out to a movie, very unexpectedly, and right in my arms. He was my everything! Over the course of the 8 yrs we dated he wrangled my independence from me as he was so old fashioned and insisted on taking care of me. I was, after so many years, completely dependent on him. We were only engaged, and secretly, as his youngest son had not quite accepted us as a couple. 

The day he passed plays out in my mind. It haunts me. Why didn't we live closer to a hospital? Why did it take so long for the EMT's to get to us? Why was I so panicked that I forgot our street address at first? Did I do the chest compressions hard enough? If I stayed calmer would I have been able to be more rational and maybe help him more? ALL POINTLESS CONCERNS! It all happened and can't be changed and I know I did the best that I possibly could have done. I just miss him so much and wonder if anything would have possibly been able to keep him alive. 

The funniest goofiest guy in person, but the most engaging cool fun and larger than lifer personality to everyone on the surface! He was huge in stature as well. So the loss of my best friend and other half still has me at a total loss. I have the hole of a giant man in my heart. One I know can not possibly ever be filled. It may eventually be patched, but there was only one man for me. He accepted everything about me, loved me despite my imperfections, worshiped the ground I walked on and made me laugh on a daily basis. 

Today i broke down after work thinking how proud he would be of all that I have accomplished over these last two years, which made me feel guilt or sadness because I did it without him. I have moved so far in my life from our happiness, and it made me feel sad and ashamed kind of. We were perfect and here I am so different and so changed that I hardly recognize my own life. All positive stuff, but growth made without the man I nested and planned on spending my forever with. It SUCKS feeling this way! I miss my love nugget and his extreme burritos every day!

 

(extreme burrito is being tackled by a giant and held against your will so you can't move your limbs when you are having a bad day. Can't help but smile eventually haha) he was such a loving goof ball who literally worshiped me, and I him. I lived for tricking or scaring or pranking him. We both brought foolishness and happiness to each other daily! I will never fill that void his departure has created! He was my ONE?

[Brad]

This is an inspiring tribute. Thank you and hugs. 

[kayc]

It's so hard to learn to do life without them, and you look so young, it seems wrong we lose them so soon.  Thanks for sharing.

[mittam99]

JHCP,

It's so hard to try to push forward and accomplish things when your heart has been shattered into a million pieces. Like you, I lost the love of my life two years ago and life will never be the same. The best we can do is live our lives with their love in our heart knowing they're still with us in some way. 

Thanks for posting and thanks for posting the great pictures of you and Jack.

Hugs,

Mitch

 

[JHCP]

Mitch, I broke down yesterday because I was thinking of how far I've come. How much I have personally accomplished and how very proud he would be of me. Then I felt that weird guilty or ashamed feeling of doing it without him. So ridiculous I know, but my head and heart have different ideas on the situation. 

I also have had some weird dreams lately about him that made me feel like he is here with me. I love!/hate seeing him in my dreams. He is him, I get a dose of his personality and vibrant silly loving self. Also he is gone when I wake up so it makes him feel so far from me as I start my day. It is heart wrenching and soul soothing at the same time. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy every moment I get to spend with him in my dreams! I just miss him and wish they were real. I still can't believe tomorrow will be 2 years!!! 

I still have my portion of his ashes. I am so connected to them I don't know how or where or when I should spread them. OR IF I SHOULD AT ALL? I don't think I can! I have a cool necklace ashes pendant I wear every day just about so I can bring him with me everywhere. It's an angel wing on a beautiful chain. 

Does anyone else have the problem of what to do with their loved ones ashes?

[MartyT]

My dear, you may find the following to be helpful:

Article, In Grief: What To Do With Cremation Ashes?

Forum Thread, Pete's Ashes

And please know that we will be thinking of you and your beloved Jack tomorrow on your special day of remembrance. ♥

[Brad]

2 hours ago, JHCP said:

I still have my portion of his ashes. I am so connected to them I don't know how or where or when I should spread them. OR IF I SHOULD AT ALL? I don't think I can! I have a cool necklace ashes pendant I wear every day just about so I can bring him with me everywhere. It's an angel wing on a beautiful chain. 

Does anyone else have the problem of what to do with their loved ones ashes?

 

1

JHCP -

I also have a pendant that contains Deedo's ashes and had one made for each of the kids.  With her ashes, I chose to divide them into important places from our life together rather than scatter them in one spot.  So I have left some ashes where we first met, some ashes where we had our first kiss, some ashes where we got engaged, some ashes where we were married, I left some ashes in the front garden where her parents' ashes are, and I have some so that our kids can mix hers with mine when it's time.  Oh yes, she's also scattered around her most favorite place on Earth: Disneyland.

[Marie Lee]

JHCP...your description of your love made me smile, thank you for that.

Hugs, Marie

[Margm]

I have his ashes except for those that were put in pendants for his kids.  When I go, the beautiful wood urn will be mixed with mine and placed in our family burial plot.  While living, I can imagine it, but like your description, he was bigger than life and my head went to just under his arms outstretched.  I am sorry for your loss of such a wonderful life with this man you loved.  It is a hole in our heart that will never heal, but hopefully we will develop scar tissue that does not take anything away, but maybe numbs our hurting for a moment.  

The funeral home took his thumb print and put it on the back of our pendants and 17 months later, I still cannot wear mine.   I hope one day to be able to do this.