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So much has changed but yet nothing has changed at all


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Yesterday I had the opportunity to speak with a cardiologist over video chat and was able to get some of my questions answered. I'm not sure if I already shared this but my fiance was diagnosed with Antibody Mediated rejection of the heart a few months before he died. I didn't really understand it at the time, it's as if the doctor didn't explain it well enough. Anyways, I found out from the cardiologist what was really going on with him in relation to that. So she told me that his body was attacking his heart and all the treatments that he was given was pretty much all they could do as it is no formal treatment plan for this it's just try and go. His body literally was attacking his heart with an overload of antibodies. I have been dealing with guilt since his death, blaming myself for not reacting differently by pushing him to go to the hospital the last day I saw him. I've been thinking the whole time that maybe another heart transplant would have saved him but she told me most likely not because his body would reject the new heart and it would be a continuous cycle of pain and suffering for him. She also informed me that he did die peacefully and in no pain as his heart most likely just stopped and he died instantly. All of this information gave me a moment of ease....the guilt wasn't so heavy. But this only brought a few moments of comfort and I was right back to feeling the emptiness and sadness I feel daily.

I also found out that it was likely my fiance knew he was going to die for awhile but didn't tell anyone. He didn't even tell me he was as sick as he was I found out after he passed. So it is likely that for months he had been lying to me about so much and I don't know how to get pass that. I do however think he just got tired of fighting and he didn't want to die in the hospital as he always made excuses why he didn't need to go. I guess I just have to respect his wishes because who am I to judge or find fault in how he handled everything....I wasn't the one in constant pain....I wasn't the one suffering. 

I've been trying to stay busy with school, finding a new job and working on artwork. I have been on a few interviews and got a job offer but not exactly where I wanted to work. Today I got a call from a place that I did want to work but turned down the interview. I feel so bad about doing so because it's a place that I feel I will be able to fulfill my purpose and wish of helping those in need. Everyday I feel so lost like whats the point of doing this or doing that but yet I'm still here doing the everyday mundane task. I miss the excitement of life....the looking forward to the future with such optomisim with my best friend. Now I don't even think about the future, most times I have trouble even looking at the present. Life is just a chore to me now, if that makes any sense. I find myself thinking of the same routine that I will be engaging in the rest of my life (wakeup, work, back to sleep) repeat. I guess this is the price we pay for falling in love. 

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My dear AB3, I'm so sorry it felt to you as if your fiance had been lying to you about the state of his health. On the other hand, perhaps when he was with you, he needed to believe ~ or at least to act as if ~ he was healthy and therefore able to look forward to spending the rest of his life as your husband. Maybe it was the only way he could face what was otherwise a very uncertain future. The point is that your fiance wanted desperately to LIVE. And now here you are, very much alive, but feeling lost and asking what's the point of living.

In a webinar I listened to today, the presenter offered a principle he shares with his bereaved clients: "Don't waste your grief." That is to say, it is in your power to make your grief count for something ~ something that honors the life of the person you've loved and lost ~ the one whose life was cut so short, no matter how much he wanted to live. Do what you can to make something good come out of your loved one's death.

As you face the day, I wonder what would happen if you changed your thinking from "wake up, work, back to sleep" to "What can I do today to honor my loved one, and to make his life count for something?" The life he wanted so desperately to live was shortened, but you are still alive. How can you live the life you still have in a way that honors and celebrates the life your beloved has lost? 

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Marty, thank you. I actually do think about ways to honor him and continue with the things he was most passionate about. The first step I took immediately after he passed was to ensure that the world could hear one of his last music projects which will be released soon. The next thing is something that was important to both of us.....giving back, helping others in anyway possible. I was so close to that opportunity today when I was called from a recovery place that I applied to. I have a degree in Human Services and always wanted to apply it somewhere and now more than ever is the right time. I turned the interview down because I already have another job offer in a totally different field that I am not passionate about. So tomorrow I'm going to call them back and see if they will still allow me to interview with them (fingers crossed, prayers sent). By being able to do that I would not only be pursuing my passion and purpose but also my fiances. I know doing that will make me feel like this life is worth holding on to.

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12 hours ago, AB3 said:

So it is likely that for months he had been lying to me about so much and I don't know how to get pass that.

It may be that the person he lied to the most was himself.  Perhaps he didn't level with you because he couldn't accept it himself.  Also, it's a possibility he was trying to protect you, sometimes our minds don't respond rationally, particularly with something of this magnitude.  It could be that even if he knew with his brain, he couldn't accept the truth on an emotional level.  

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11 hours ago, MartyT said:

Everything you've stated in that article is what I've learned to be true on my own journey, thank you for writing that!

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3 hours ago, kayc said:

It may be that the person he lied to the most was himself.  Perhaps he didn't level with you because he couldn't accept it himself.  Also, it's a possibility he was trying to protect you, sometimes our minds don't respond rationally, particularly with something of this magnitude.  It could be that even if he knew with his brain, he couldn't accept the truth on an emotional level.  

This may all be true. The truth is I didn't know his emotional state he kind of pulled away from me in that last month. He just wasn't himself and he admitted that to me the last time I saw him. I just feel as though I was blinded....as connected as we were why didn't I feel that something was wrong?? The only think that I know is that I couldn't have saves him.....I guess he was just meant to die.

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5 hours ago, MartyT said:

Fingers crossed, prayers sent -_-

Thank you Marty but unfortunately they filled the position already, that's my fault though. So I guess it is what I stated after all (wake up, work, go to bed) I just feel so unsatisfied with life but I guess this is all there is. ....this is all it will ever be and I just have to accept that.

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31 minutes ago, AB3 said:

....as connected as we were why didn't I feel that something was wrong??

I wondered that too for a long time.  The day my wife died, I thought that as close as we were ( to each other) that I would have "felt" or "sensed" something but there was no warning at all.  It was just a normal day. I don't not why but I have just accepted that this was how it was supposed to turn out ... because it did.  There are many things in life that are out of our control despite our desire to control them.  I pray God's Peace (SHALOM) for you and all who read and try to figure out why life happens the way it does.    - Shalom

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I also felt George pulling away that fateful weekend, it's as if he knew he was going to die and was focused on absorbing that fact and preparing for the transition.  Maybe this is something they have to do on their own.

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1 hour ago, kayc said:

I also felt George pulling away that fateful weekend, it's as if he knew he was going to die and was focused on absorbing that fact and preparing for the transition.  Maybe this is something they have to do on their own.

I agree kayc it's more of a personal matter. They both probably felt it coming....I've heard that people close to death know and start acting differently. I guess that they personally had to prepare for that transition.....and I always wonder what it's like to be in that position.

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Honestly, after I read the last book I mentioned, I feel he is even further away.   I want him to be totally happy, not hurt, for time to not be a thing, but I feel a real distance I have not felt till now.  Of course he is gone forever, how could he be anymore gone than he has been for 17 months?  But he is in my heart and all the other cliches.  I don't know how I feel, sort of stupid and alone.  He did not do this on purpose, I know he wanted to stay and I told him he couldn't leave. He did not listen to me.  We were immortal, yet we weren't.  Now I cannot find him.  I don't want him hurting or worrying. I just cannot feel him listening.  Now it is time to find me.  He is gone and I am sorta pissed off.

 

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You and me both about being angry, Marg.  Death crushed hope in my world.  I hate being alone.  My anger at Steve has passed, but there is a rage inside I don't know where to focus it on.  The derailment of my life tho I knew this couldn't last forever?  That I can't find meaning after 2 years?  That I am getting older and worry how I will handle it by myself?  That I wake up everyday wondering why?  I don't feel Steve listening either.  He is gone.  I had 5 years to get prepared, but you really can't.  A childhood friend told me last night my new mantra is.....this is it.  This is the reality.  We were independent people together, but he was the only 'egg in my basket'.  So the things I still do feel meaningless and those are all I have.  She said I had the embrace the emptiness to find a way back to a life.  I agree, but it's a damned hard road.

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You have a wise friend, Gwen.

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Everybody has got to die, but I have always believed an exception would be made in my case.  William Saroyan

I've always been a  big reader, but years ago,  when I thought I possibly was going to die young (to me), I had the little book where Saroyan said this in.  I seem to remember it as being small and it hit home with me.  Saroyan had just been given the kiss of death and being the writer that he was, it came out as very powerful to me and must be what many people think.  It was only yesterday I remember those terrible crow calls and animal calls that Billy would sit on the couch and make with his collection of "calls," and I would think, "your aggravating the heck out of us on purpose but one day I will wish I could hear them."  And, it was just yesterday.  Time to me is no more.  

I went back and read about this statement.  Actually he passed away in 1981, and just before he died, he called someone and gave this statement.  He was Armenian (but I believe lived his life in California) and had a big white mustache and I could have seen him playing in "Fiddler on the Roof."  I remember the reason I was reading his book, and it was a book on depression, his own, that he had written.  Sometimes my "remembering" lies to me, or I lie to myself.  Sometimes things that never happened seem more real that the last five minutes.  

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I don't really think any of us thought death would enter our lives or more so the lives of the people we love the most. I know like many others here thought that there was no way that my fiance would die....that couldn't possibly happen to me....life wouldn't be that cruel. But here I am....here we all are. Life is cruel and we aren't exempted from its cruelty. I believe I was blinded by love....how can any of us not be. My fiance knew his time was limited but I didn't. He even said a few months prior that he doesn't have as much time as others.....I didn't listen or more so I didn't want to. But we all signed the invisible contract when we fell in love with our soulmates.....we agree to take the good and the bad, we agree to love someone unconditionally, and we unconsciously agree to love one another till death do us part. Death is inevitable and with love comes death at some point. It could have been us to have gone before our partners but they has to be the ones to go first. Either way we would eventually be separated.

I like to believe that the partner that goes first was chosen to make us more comfortable when we go. In other words they will make our transition easier and more peaceful. 

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3 hours ago, AB3 said:

I like to believe that the partner that goes first was chosen to make us more comfortable when we go. In other words they will make our transition easier and more peaceful. 

Truly a lovely way to look at it, AB3 

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I think I need to go by faith alone and if I find something that I do not really want to read, then I think I need not read it.  I don't like concrete.  I like mystical, magical, still don't like to put my feet under my bed getting into bed at night and still afraid of the dark.  

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