My cat passed away at the Vet's - I'm still feeling guilty

[KerryCat]

It's been a week since I received the horrible phone call that my baby passed away at the Vet's. His name was Nathaniel. I loved him so much. We shared a special bond that I'm not sure that I will ever share with another being. Nathaniel, was almost 17 years old. I got him as a kitten. He's been through so much with me. My first house, my divorce, different moves while I figured out my life, my new relationship and he came to love my new husband. He was a constant. He was someone who never let me down. Recently he was starting to show the signs of aging. But whenever he would seem sick, he would bounce back. I had him on a special diet for his kidneys and he took medicine twice a day for his thyroid. The past couple of years he had some chronic constipation issues. I did my best to stay on top of it. If I noticed he was struggling, I had medicine on hand to deal with it. If I didn't notice quick enough I would have to bring him to the vet and they would hydrate him and give him an enema which I am sure was not pleasant for him. One of my other cats started going in his litter box, making it difficult to detect, also more life responsibilities made it harder to stay on top of it. It just got to be a very busy time and I hate myself for not noticing his pains sooner.

One night I was up late working and he came and sat beside me gave me his snuggles and love. Then suddenly he was acting strange. I could tell something was wrong. I thought it was the same issue. I gave him his medicine and thought, if he was still acting strange in the morning, I would bring him to the vet first thing. He seemed ok the next morning. So I went on with my day and never looked back until now. I'm in the process of buying a house, so that weekend got busy and I wasn't home too much. Then Monday and Tuesday I had some commitments at night. But that Tuesday night he slept with me in my bed and we snuggled almost the whole night. I woke up at about 4 or 5 am to him peeing in our bedroom (which he never does). I sat with him for a bit and he seemed ok for a bit. So I went back to bed. That morning he was running back and forth to the litter box, so I took him to the vet. They told me it was the same chronic issue we were used to dealing with, but he needed an enema. Later that day they called me and said he was a great patient and that he was doing ok and that they did his blood work and that I was doing a good job with the food and the medicine and was controlling his health issues.  They wanted to keep him for the night to keep him hydrated, but they thought he should be fine to go home the next day. I was relieved. I was feeling so guilty that I did not notice his pain quick enough and had to put him through that enema again. I really felt awful! I was beating myself up about it, so I was excited to get him back home to spoil him and give him all of the kisses.  However a few hours later, I was on my way home from work, and my vet call and said Nathaniel was acting strange. He was also trying to hide. She checked his heart and apparently he had a heart murmur. I don't know much about heart murmurs, but she seemed very concerned and asked if he was acting lethargic. And I said, yes.  I thought it was because he was old and on medicine etc. She said they do not have people at the vets over night to monitor the animals but if I wanted, I could move him to a facility that would monitor him through the night. But if he stayed she would start some tests on his heart first thing in the morning. If not, she recommended I have the new facility do this. I decided to not do move him because A. I didn't want to stress him out more and B. I felt comfortable with this vet and her plans for the morning. (I now don't think that was a good decision) I debated on stopping by the vet that night to see him. But I talked myself out of it because it would have been a lot of rushing around and my husband mentioned that he might be "out of it" anyways. So I didn't stop by.

The next morning I got the call that he was not alive in the morning. My baby passed away at some point during the night at the vets. The amount of guilt I feel about this is inconsolable. I had him go through that enema which was uncomfortable so he was in pain his last day on earth. I didn't get to say good bye. My stupid life was too busy to stop by and visit him. My stupid life craziness was too busy to take him to the vet the week prior when he first show signs of something was wrong. And I knew he was old. I knew the day was coming but, I envisioned him in my arms or at my house or in some kind of setting where he knew he was surround by love. The fact that he passed away at the vet in a scary place saddens me. He deserved better! He at least deserved a last scratch behind the ears. Or lots of kisses and snuggles. I didn't get to give him any of those. I hope he knows that I was coming back for him and planning to love him and would never leave him at the vet's unless I had to for his well being. I hate that his last day was horrible for him. And it was all of my fault. I should have asked more questions about why he was lethargic and why he kept getting constipated. I should have pushed for more tests.

Anyways I'm torn up about this. I keep thinking I can see him in the corning of my eye. I feel him walking on my bed at night. I'm not handling this well at all. I miss him so much. He was the sweetest cat I ever met. He would know when I was sad and snuggle with me. He was so forgiving if someone didn't realize he was there and would accidentally bump him. He was the best and this hole in my heart is aching like crazy. I'm going to be grieving the loss of this special soul for a very long time.

Thank you for listening. I know this guilt isn't helping me. But I just can't get past it.

[kayc]

Oh Hon, I am so so sorry.  Your story is heartbreaking and I can imagine what you are feeling.  I have lost too many pets over the years, and it's very hard, they're members of the family, our faithful companions.

You could not have known he'd pass away during the night.  Of course he knew you'd be coming, you always have been there for him.  Death was a release for him, but he still loves you as he always did, it's just his body gave out.  Animals don't view death the same as us, I think they're more accepting, but then they live in the now, and don't worry about the future as we do.  You only wanted what was best for him, and I hope you can let go of the guilt feelings, they're normal in grief, but undeserved.

I hope this article helps you with it...
http://media.wix.com/ugd/0dd4a5_e934e7f92d104d31bcb334d6c6d63974.pdf
 

 

[MartyT]

Dear friend, as Kay said, you could not have known that your baby Nathaniel wouldn't make it through the night, and I think the fact that you are consumed with guilt right now is testament to the fact that you are a devoted, loving pet parent. As I often say, only the good people feel guilty. There are far too many evil people in this world who abuse animals (and children) without feeling guilty at all ~ and here you are, blaming yourself for something you could not have known. I hope you can focus on the fact that you have given your baby nearly two decades of pure love and devotion, and surely he knew how much you loved him. The fact that he couldn't hold out until you could come the next morning is an indication that his earthly body was failing him, and it was his time to go. May you take comfort in knowing that he now rests in eternal peace, and in knowing that your love for each other will never die. ♥  

[Clematis]

That is so sad! He was an adorable cat and I'm sure you miss him terribly. Cats are so good at putting on a good show when they aren't at their best. It is so hard to know what to do when someone we love is ill, and the fact that it looks more clear in hindsight doesn't mean that you or anyone could really have known what to do at the time. No one could know, and the truth is that you still don't really know. If you had moved him to the other facility and he had died, you would blame yourself for making that decision, and it still wouldn't be your fault. But I think we all find something to feel guilty about when we lose someone. I guess it's just part of feeling bad...

[KerryCat]

Thank you Kayc, Marty T. and Clematis for your very kind words. They have helped me a lot. I really appreciate you being there for me. I really was beating myself up about it. In time I will come to terms with it all. I miss him so much. But I'm thankful he is not in pain any more. Thank you again. You are the kindest souls around!

[kayc]

We wish you well KerryCat.  I know adjusting to the loss of a close pet is hard, I am still missing my Miss Mocha (lost June 3, 2016), it's tough.

[Cathleen]

Kerrycat, I went through much the same thing when my little dog died a couple of weeks ago. Like Nathaniel, Bonnie had kidney disease, and had been at the vet on IV fluids since the Monday. She had pulled through previous episodes. On the Wednesday morning she had been bright, demanded double breakfast, but then went downhill later that afternoon. The vet rang me and said they would re-test blood the next morning, as planned, but if she hadn't improved we would be looking at euthanasia. There was no indication that her condition was critical. The next morning the vet rang to say she had died, probably just before they came in. I didn't go to see her while she was at the vets because she would have been distressed at not being able to come home with me, but I will always regret not going that Wednesday.

.Thank you for giving me the opportunity to share my story with someone else who is feeling the pain of our situation. Most people get the opportunity to say goodbye to our beloved pets - we didn't. And we know our pets died alone in a scary place instead of being in our arms. I only got to cuddle her again after she died.

I'm probably not much help as I'm still feeling shattered over Bonnie.

[KerryCat]

Hello Cathleen, I'm so sorry about Bonnie. She was your sweet baby.  Thank you for sharing your story with me. My apologies for not responding until now. (I just moved and it took a while to get my computer back up and running).  I guess it is comforting to know that there are others that totally understand the the pain of not being able to say good bye. And understand why we feel so bad about our beloved baby not feeling safe in our arms until the end. Many try to tell me that it was better that way. He would have fought harder, had I come visit him. And he would have been in pain. Or I could have taken him home and found him that way. People say that he didn't want me to see him that way. Who really knows. But I do know that your Bonnie and my Nathaniel will always know how much we loved them.  Hopefully this is helping you and not upsetting you.

I'm convinced that he sends me messages in subtle ways some times. So I know he's still very much a part of me.  I know this sounds a little crazy... One day I was cleaning the litter box that he preferred to use (my other cats still use it and it is in the same spot). Just as I was walking away from it, this stuffed animal cat caught my eye. It was given to me by a friend many years ago because it looked like Nathaniel. It was there sitting on a bunch of other things... kind of put in storage until it caught my eye. Now I've walked by there every day to clean that box. But suddenly it caught my eye and I felt this need to keep this stuffed animal with me. Later that day I had to pick Nathaniel's ashes up from the vet. I thought that maybe he was sending me a sign that he was ok and will be with me. I keep that stuffed animal on my night stand next to my bed, right beside a pretty box with his ashes. If I told this story to the "old me" I might think I was a little bit crazy. But man, I love that little guy so much. I have had friends say that he will let me know he is ok in ways and that I would recognize it when it happened. There have been a couple of other times. 

Time does help. However, it has been 4 months and I still cry about him from time to time. It is not nearly as often as before. However, I still am riddled with the same guilt. I will always regret not going the last night as well. Hope that I can get past it some day. I hope you can too. We were doing what we thought was best in the moment. And I guess it just shows how much we care.

Anyways.... thanks for understanding. Like I said, there is comfort in knowing there are people that understand.  Many think I'm so silly for STILL being this upset about it all.

Take Care!  I hope you are well. And I'm back up and running. So don't hesitate to send a note if you need someone to listen, that gets it.

[Cathleen]

thankyou Kerrycat. Like you said, it's a comfort sharing with people who understand.

We will never know what might have happened if we'd done things differently, but we do know what actually happened. Part of the problem with Bonnie was that her regular vet was on leave and the vet in the same practice she saw didn't do any risk assessment around a dental procedure which was what pushed her over the edge. She was old with kidney disease - the tooth needed to come out as it would have been painful for her, but if I'd been properly advised I would have opted for euthanasia rather than putting her through an ill-advised dental anaesthesia.

I have had some grief counselling with someone who is a former vet. Apparently pets with kidney problems can die quite quickly and often it's heart failure which is what happened with Bonnie and it sounds like your Nathaniel too.

I totally understand what you've done with the stuffed cat - I've had times where I've cuddled Bonnie's urn and told her how sorry I am. I'm doing whatever feels right. That included adopting another older rescue dog last week. I was getting dangerously depressed about it all - losing Bonnie, the vets (another vet took over the last few days, still not her regular one) and also missing having a dog and had to act. I did the same when my first dog died, and losing Bonnie has hit me even harder because of how she died. (Randy had cancer and I had him put to sleep with me there).  I now have 3 spaces in my heart - 1 each for Bonnie and Randy and a new one for Ginny.

I will go back to the grief counsellor as I don't want to become bitter about what happened, rather move forward so I can remember Bonnie and the joy she brought me.

When I can face it I will go back to the vet practice. What happened wasn't full on negligence, but it fell short of good practice. (There was a mistake re blood tests plus as mentioned the lack of risk assessment, plus no proper advice on the last Monday).

Meantime I'm finding ways to create memorials for Bonnie. My latest is a Facebook page in her name!