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No turning back


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I can aknowledge the fact that I'm not where I was the first few week, the first month or even the second month....but no I'm not ok....and I know I never will be. I accepted that my fiance is never coming back...an aspect I struggled with in the beginning. I've been way out of my comfort zone and my life is completely unrecognizable. So much has changed since December, I started a new job, lost weight and lost my mind more than I can count on hands or toes but somehow I'm still here. I look at old pictures of us and sometimes it seems like two people I never met....that woman in the picture is not me and I am not her. I know somewhere out there we existed, we were madly in love and I didn't make it all up in my head but sometimes it's just hard to believe that was my life. I've grown so much more independent since then and I feel like I've aged tremendously. I still wander around like a robot but I don't think that will ever change. I miss my old life and I don't think that will ever change either but I'm still here. Ive accepted that there is no turning back....that is not allowed. I miss my fiance every day every sec and every moment with every breath I take but what can I do....I can't bring him back. If you told me a year ago that this would be how my life ended up I would never believe it but I'm proud of myself for keeping on pushing on and I'm proud of us all. We have all been through so much...it's not fair...life is not fair but it never said it would be.

I'm having a tolerable day today and I wanted to share that with you all, especially those of you who aren't. Things won't always be so grim....you will have days like thesel where it won't be so painful to breathe. Just know I'm praying for us all.....

 

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One of the hardest things I have come to accept is the woman I was is forever gone.  I really liked her too.  But she is the person she was with him.  Now it is odd to be someone I haven't ever been.  Where do you start?  How do relearn to enjoy your favorite things solo?  How do you handle knowing you can't share the new things in life you see and not discuss them or share them with that someone who did the same with you?  So many thoughts, ideas, things I see are now just mine.  They aren't all that impressive and never really were, but the sharing was.  Yup, I look in the mirror every day now and say.....who are you?   

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Questions??

Yes, Gwen, the way we used to be is gone. I know that losing my beloved Jim changed me. I am not the same ~ how could I be? The last time I was looking in my mirror I asked the same question ~ who are you? I stayed there saying over and over again "I don't know who you are!" We start at the beginning ~ and that's a very good thing to do. Gradually, I started to see a new me. It will never be the same and to me, I believe that is only one step in my healing. I will never be able to do some things that Jim and I did together. How could I? I am not the same person nor are you. It is one of the hardest things for me to adjust to and that is my sharing with Jim will never be the same. I have learned to accept that. I am slowly finding new things to do solo and at the same time, I share those things with my Jim. I happen to believe that he does hear me ~ call me crazy! Most of us live a very mundane life. We are not making headline news nor are we even admired in the eyes of ordinary people. As grievers, I believe that each one of us lose a part of who we used to be. It does not mean that we have to crawl into a deep hole and stay there. The choice is ours and whatever we decide is the "new me." I have been in the bottom of many deep holes but have always looked up and found someone at the top just sitting there not saying a word ~ letting me know that I am not alone. Coming to this forum proves to me that we are never alone. There is always someone sitting with us. 

This is a quote from a friend of mine ~ she lost a child but any loss takes one's breath away.  Hug to you, dear friend. 

Anne

 

my grief.jpg

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