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Today's Not One Of My Good Days. Yuck!


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For some off-the-wall reason I woke up this morning thinking about how totally alone I now am. No significant reason for it happening today. Today's not any kind of landmark day. I just woke up feeling immensely melancholy, and I haven't been able to shake it off. I'm now about 1/3 of the way into year #2. Even though i do know and understand that my Cookie is in that "better place" now, I still absolutely miss the ever-lovin' hell out of her. There was nothing special about our relationship or the life we had together...except to us. There will never be a made-for-tv movie made about us, or a book either. We never made any noticeable ripples in the pond of life. But in our little personal pond we created tidle wave-size ripples. Cookie was my world. She was my center of gravity, and my balance. She was a red-headed Leo with a type A personality. As for me---shucks I was just a laid-back Pisces. They say that a Leo and a Pisces should turn around a run away from each other. You can't mix oil and water, they say. But we were the exception to that rule. Before she came into my life I was never comfortable doing the simple act of just carrying on a conversation with someone. I know that sounds so silly. But I was raised in the kind of household where my 2 sisters and I were constantly reminded that children are meant to be seen, not heard. Until Cookie came along no one was ever interested in what kinds of thoughts or opinions I might have had. Then Cookie came along. She was interested in things i had to say. She taught me that it was okay to be seen AND heard. We were very fortunate in that we were able to luck upon each other. Because we truly were made for each other. She always made me strive to be a better person. And, oh how I loved to hear her laugh. She had such a wonderful, country-folk sort of belly laugh.The highlight of a day for me was to say or do something to make her laugh. I would cut off both of my legs right here, right now with a plastic butter knife just for the chance to hear her voice and her laugh just one more time. But that ain't gonna happen.  We had a wondeful life together for 41+ years. I should be grateful for that, and i am. I don't suppose this grief crap for me will ever end. At least not until that wonderful day comes when i'm finally able to go be with her again. 

Sorry folks for such a downer sort of post. I probably should just delete this and just cowboy the heck up and go on about my day.  I'm just having a bad day at Bedrock here. And i have no choice. I must continue to put...

one foot in front of the other...

Darrel

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Cut yourself some slack, Darrel.  You loved Cookie with your whole heart and soul.  You will always miss her and grieve for her.  She shared 41+ years of your life with you.  It may not be the white hot pain that you first felt when you lost her, but you will probably always feel a pang of pain when you think of her.  You're allowed to be melancholy for her being gone.  Allow yourself to remember all the good times and smile.  You will see her again.  Just keep moving forward.  :-)

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Darrel, I have days like that too.  No particular reason just really miss my Dale.  You are right, I don't think this grief crap is ever going to end and it's because we did love our soulmates deeply and completely and I guess for that privilege that is the price we pay.  We just need to keep on going until we see them again.

Joyce

 

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Olemisfit.....actually I thought that quite a bit of your post, rather than being a downer, was rather beautiful, it really comes through how much you loved, or should I say love, your Cookie.

I also get bad 'random' days, the 'milestones' one kind of prepares oneself for, but these other ones just tend to sneak up on you, there seems to be no rhyme or reason to them, and therefore are perhaps harder to deal with.

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Thanks to everyone for your come-backs. One thing that we never have to worry about in short supply around this group is compassion. Thank you very much!  I'm honestly not down in any of those dangerous sorts of ways. God will decide when it's time to punch my ticket, not me. My faith in God keeps me on the straight and narrow. I made a promis to Cookie and myself last January when I knew it was time to give her up that I absolutely will not do anything that would jeapordize my chances of being able to reunite with her.  Suicide will not happen on my watch.  But today I have surely been missing her physical presence.

 

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I'm so sorry for your pain today. It hasn't been that long for me - only 55 days, but I understand the feeling.  I guess we're all in this for the rest of our lives.  Maybe there will be something to smile about once in awhile.  Like Joyce said, loving deeply is a privilege and this is the price we pay for having that.  Most people don't find that kind of love in a marriage, after many years.  And those who do - well, at some point, one will have to pay for having had it same as we do.

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15 minutes ago, Maynard said:

 loving deeply is a privilege and this is the price we pay for having that.  Most people don't find that kind of love in a marriage, after many years.  And those who do - well, at some point, one will have to pay for having had it same as we do.

Maynard, what you said is so right on point.  Before my wife's passing I had never had anyone close to me die. My family unit imploded many years ago. Even though I have outlived my parents and sisters, they all passed away after we all became so disfunctional. So this grief was a new experience for me. I had no clue whatsoever what this grief crap was goint to be like until I had to start living it day after day. It's like living Groundhog Day as a recurring nightmare. I somehow managed to muddle through my first year alone. I didn't discover Marty's group until about a week before my first year ended. You all have been wonderful for me, in spite of having to put up with some crap from me along the way.

Thank You, one and all.

one foot in front of the other...

Darrel

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Darrell,

What you share is common and I notice that it happens to  me from time to time. I just passed twenty two months and find myself in deep reflective thought. I still cry, have grief bursts, and my heart aches for my beloved.  This month it seems to be deeper, more subtle, and private.  I find my moods also affected, by sleep, food, exercise, work, interactions, and just the daily singular frustrations of life.  disappointments, reducing income,  hostile people, and losing hope for a newly rediscovered passion. 

Life continues to march on but it seems more challenging and I seemed to have lost my rudder and guide. I know this is a temporary setback but it FEELS bad.  I do have hope for tomorrow for we are promised new grace every morning. "It rains on both the just and the unjust" ... common grace...  - Shalom      

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Darrel,

I didn't perceive your post as a downer at all.  I enjoy hearing about your Cookie and how it was with you two.  Those are the feelings that bring us here, that separate us (those who struggle with our loss) from those who move on quite nicely.  We had something to lose, and we lost it.  It affects us, plain and simple.  Even as many years as have gone by for me, a lot of times it's still a struggle...

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2 hours ago, Marie Lee said:

Hi Darrel, Glad to see you back on here...you have a wonderful way with words and are often very helpful ..

Sorry for your bad day....hugs, Marie

Thanks for your kind words and thoughts Marie. I hope all is well with you these days.  Thanks for the hug. I'm sending one back your way. 

one foot in front of the other...

Darrel

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Hello Darrel, I am doing...ok...some days are better and then some are not so good...but, trying to make my life happier...

People still don't understand and when you talk about it..it seems weird....so, that remains an obstacle.

As you say, one foot in front of the other. Thanks for the hug!

Marie

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