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I don't LIVE anymore, i'm just existing


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I know i'm not alone feeling that way, but there really is no comfort in that. It's sad that any of us would feel this way. Yesterday began week # 70 (but whose counting!) without my precious Cookie. We were so much a part of each other that it just isn't right for me to try to exist without that appendage that i relied on so much. I've never been addicted to any kind of drug, but i can imagine that the longer a person is addicted to it the harder it would be to get free of it. I am so blessed for Cookie and i to be a part of each other's life for 41+ years. But i'm like that addict that was addicted to his drug of choice for 41 years, and then was told that he couldn't have it anymore. But still wants it desperately. He enjoyed the drug. He fell in love with it. He was an addict by choice. And then his life was turned upside down and inside out when it was taken away from him. And then he was told to live the rest of his life as that non-addict, and be happy about it. That's how i feel with my Cookie being gone. She was my drug of choice. I want to still be able to get up every day and have my Cookie "fix".  I can't, and that absolutely SUCKS!! I never was able to have that good cry that is supposed to be so helpful. But there isn't a single day that comes and goes that i don't spend every minute of it missing the heck out of her. I still don't sleep well at all. The bed is just toooooo empty now. I do try the best my circumstances allow me to to take care of myself, but i often wonder why i bother. I pretty much became a recluse when Cookie passed, and still am. Being around other people just seems like more trouble than it's worth. I suppose that makes me a world class jerk, But i suppose i've also got some Popeye in me. I yam what i yam.

Darrel

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Darrel,  I hear and feel the pain in your words.  I'm so sorry you are hurting so much right now.  Sometimes, it seems to be just more than we can possibly endure.  But somehow we must because it's our life now, and like you say "It SUCKS!!"   I'm hoping you can have 'that good cry'.  Tears do help wash this wound we're given.  And I wish you Peace in knowing that Cookie is still always with you.  I've only been in this thing a couple of months, but I know that Love never dies.  When I listen with my heart, I find Cody's love is still right here for me.  I talk to him often, and know in my heart what he is 'saying' to me - just like I did when he was still here physically. Sometimes he didn't always have the right words, but I knew what he meant.  And sometimes I didn't say it right, but he knew what I meant.  We heard each other with our hearts, and we still have that.  Sometimes it makes me cry - but I can let go and cry all I want, because he's here understanding.  It always brings me peace even if only for a short time - it's something.  

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Darrel, you are so right and I never thought about it that way.   Steve was my drug of choice and I am now forced to be 'sober'.  The thing that really sucks is that this drug was harmless.  It was good for me.   The sobriety is the bad thing.  It causes me more harm and horrible things I could never imagine.  Even drug seeking behavior to find anything to bring back some of that high.

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2 hours ago, olemisfit said:

I know i'm not alone feeling that way, but there really is no comfort in that. It's sad that any of us would feel this way. Yesterday began week # 70 (but whose counting!) without my precious Cookie. We were so much a part of each other that it just isn't right for me to try to exist without that appendage that i relied on so much. I've never been addicted to any kind of drug, but i can imagine that the longer a person is addicted to it the harder it would be to get free of it. I am so blessed for Cookie and i to be a part of each other's life for 41+ years. But i'm like that addict that was addicted to his drug of choice for 41 years, and then was told that he couldn't have it anymore. But still wants it desperately. He enjoyed the drug. He fell in love with it. He was an addict by choice. And then his life was turned upside down and inside out when it was taken away from him. And then he was told to live the rest of his life as that non-addict, and be happy about it. That's how i feel with my Cookie being gone. She was my drug of choice. I want to still be able to get up every day and have my Cookie "fix".  I can't, and that absolutely SUCKS!! I never was able to have that good cry that is supposed to be so helpful. But there isn't a single day that comes and goes that i don't spend every minute of it missing the heck out of her. I still don't sleep well at all. The bed is just toooooo empty now. I do try the best my circumstances allow me to to take care of myself, but i often wonder why i bother. I pretty much became a recluse when Cookie passed, and still am. Being around other people just seems like more trouble than it's worth. I suppose that makes me a world class jerk, But i suppose i've also got some Popeye in me. I yam what i yam.

Darrel

Darrell, I hear your pain.

Your drug of choice is unconditional LOVE for your beloved.  It is a natural high that kept me happy, serene and blessed every day. My wife, would say," you are the happiest person I know!"  It is because she completed me.  The withdrawals suck! Yet i have come to realize that she has never left me. Our hearts and souls are melded together and I have 26 years of wonderful memories.  and no, they don't keep me warm at night but they are much better than to have never experienced this level of deep, unrequited love. Yes, I miss her every day and every night. 

I trust that my Maker knows what is best even though it sure doesn't feel like it.  Some days I am just hanging/holding on and some days I can venture out from my private (solo) world to some new adventure.  I am looking for things I find enjoyment in and maybe adventurous.  It takes time. Grow where you are planted.  We are all on different paths learning how to cope/manage this grief journey.  Relax and learn to breathe again.  - Shalom

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Thank you for the kind words. This group is an amazing thing to behold. Everyone else here "gets it" in that way that is only possible from those who share the same problem. Even the outsiders that mean well aren't really able to contribute in the way that is really needed. What I had with Cookie is really no better or different that what everyone else here had with their soulmate. The home life Cookie experienced while growing up wasn't very pleasant, and she wasn't able to graduate from high school. But she attended the "school of life", and walked away with a Ph.D from that school. Mixed in amongst a whole lot of other things, she lived and breathed a positive attitude. No matter how bad things were, she always looked for and found something to smile about. I don't think it's possible to be around someone that exudes that without absorbing some of it yourself..I do try every day to find something to smile about. It isn't always easy, and sometimes i fail miserably. She was my one and only attempt at marriage, and i continue to thank God every day for giving me a "keeper".  She is still with me every day in the limited way that is possible now. But do i ever miss that physical connection though! I talk to her at least once every day. And she has "visited" me a number of times in the past year and 4 months. The kind of love we have all been able to have and experience is a wonderful thing. Not everybody in this world gets to be as lucky as we have all been. But unfortunately it came with a hefty price. It's like a coin with a pretty side and an ugly side. We now have to see that ugly side. As gut-wrenchingly awful as this grief stuff is, if i was told that the worst part is yet to come i would say "bring it on"! The pretty side was more than worth having to deal with this ugly side.  But that doesn't mean that this grief stuff is always fun.

one foot in front of the other...

Darrel

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I feel like I'm just existing too. I feel like I am just waiting on every day to end so I can make it to the next and then the next and so on until there aren't anymore. I feel guilty for feeling this way because I am blessed with my wonderful children. I just feel so broken that it emotionally and sometimes physically hurts to live. I am in so my pain all of the time and I feel like nobody understands. I'm just living in agony. 

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13 hours ago, olemisfit said:

i'm like that addict that was addicted to his drug of choice for 41 years, and then was told that he couldn't have it anymore. But still wants it desperately. He enjoyed the drug. He fell in love with it. He was an addict by choice. And then his life was turned upside down and inside out when it was taken away from him. And then he was told to live the rest of his life as that non-addict, and be happy about it.

George was my drug of choice.  :wub:

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Darrel

I can so relate. I never thought of our love as an addiction and yet it is so true. I dont want to be sober or drug free. The addiction gave me so many highs. Cant do without...go into withdrawals!  Took me a while to be able to cry and still guess have that stiff upper lip mentality. I know the first month I did not cry and I hurt so inside, felt so tight inside and at times would start to shake inside...nothing obvious. I guess the shaking was my crying. I found a movie on netflix or was it Amazon Prime which helped release the tears and I felt so much better. The movie is Driving Chase. It you have access give it a go. It did make a difference for me...kind of like the dam opened a bit.

TOM is my drug of choice..always and forever! No rehab for me.

 

 

 

 

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55 minutes ago, Autumn2 said:

Darrel

I can so relate. I never thought of our love as an addiction and yet it is so true. I dont want to be sober or drug free. The addiction gave me so many highs. Cant do without...go into withdrawals!  Took me a while to be able to cry and still guess have that stiff upper lip mentality. I know the first month I did not cry and I hurt so inside, felt so tight inside and at times would start to shake inside...nothing obvious. I guess the shaking was my crying. I found a movie on netflix or was it Amazon Prime which helped release the tears and I felt so much better. The movie is Driving Chase. It you have access give it a go. It did make a difference for me...kind of like the dam opened a bit.

TOM is my drug of choice..always and forever! No rehab for me.

 

 

 

 

I looked at both places but did not locate the movie... any suggestions?

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2 hours ago, Autumn2 said:

Darrel

I can so relate. I never thought of our love as an addiction and yet it is so true. I dont want to be sober or drug free. The addiction gave me so many highs. Cant do without...go into withdrawals!  Took me a while to be able to cry and still guess have that stiff upper lip mentality. I know the first month I did not cry and I hurt so inside, felt so tight inside and at times would start to shake inside...nothing obvious. I guess the shaking was my crying. I found a movie on netflix or was it Amazon Prime which helped release the tears and I felt so much better. The movie is Driving Chase. It you have access give it a go. It did make a difference for me...kind of like the dam opened a bit

 

Autumn2, do you mean "Taking Chance" with Kevin Bacon in it?  If you do, then you are right on the money about it being an excellent movie.  I liked it so much after seeing it the first time, that i found it on youtube a few months ago and had to watch it again. Here's hoping today is a good one for you.

one foot in front of the other...

Darrel

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7 hours ago, iPraiseHim said:

I looked at both places but did not locate the movie... any suggestions?

Thanks.  i found "Taking Chance" available on Amazon Prime video.  It is available on Netflix only on DVD not streaming.  Thanks

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I was wondering, I googled and googled Driving Chase! :D

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On ‎04‎/‎30‎/‎2017 at 8:25 PM, olemisfit said:

I know i'm not alone feeling that way, but there really is no comfort in that. It's sad that any of us would feel this way. Yesterday began week # 70 (but whose counting!) without my precious Cookie. We were so much a part of each other that it just isn't right for me to try to exist without that appendage that i relied on so much. I've never been addicted to any kind of drug, but i can imagine that the longer a person is addicted to it the harder it would be to get free of it. I am so blessed for Cookie and i to be a part of each other's life for 41+ years. But i'm like that addict that was addicted to his drug of choice for 41 years, and then was told that he couldn't have it anymore. But still wants it desperately. He enjoyed the drug. He fell in love with it. He was an addict by choice. And then his life was turned upside down and inside out when it was taken away from him. And then he was told to live the rest of his life as that non-addict, and be happy about it. That's how i feel with my Cookie being gone. She was my drug of choice. I want to still be able to get up every day and have my Cookie "fix".  I can't, and that absolutely SUCKS!! I never was able to have that good cry that is supposed to be so helpful. But there isn't a single day that comes and goes that i don't spend every minute of it missing the heck out of her. I still don't sleep well at all. The bed is just toooooo empty now. I do try the best my circumstances allow me to to take care of myself, but i often wonder why i bother. I pretty much became a recluse when Cookie passed, and still am. Being around other people just seems like more trouble than it's worth. I suppose that makes me a world class jerk, But i suppose i've also got some Popeye in me. I yam what i yam.

Darrel

Darrel:  I can relate to what you are saying.  It's almost 2 years for me and I still yearn terribly for my husband, John.  It does get a little daunting when so much time passes by but it seems to have stood still in many ways.  I just wanted you to know you are not alone in what you are feeling.  And, the being around other people thing is hard.  For me, it's because I feel disconnected in a sense.  I'm with mostly people who haven't had this experience and it makes me feel lonelier. I would love to find some people who have experienced a loss like this and are real about it.  The grief groups I have been to have so many members who spend the time telling you how to feel better instead of letting you just say where you are, which I would think would make me feel better....( I call them cheerleaders).  Take care, Cookie

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That's good, Cookie, "cheerleaders".  I think we need a balance...people to encourage us and inspire us on, but people who validate us where we are.  I'm sure none of the "cheerleaders" mean to discount your feelings but it can sure come across that way sometimes, can't it?!

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34 minutes ago, kayc said:

That's good, Cookie, "cheerleaders".  I think we need a balance...people to encourage us and inspire us on, but people who validate us where we are.  I'm sure none of the "cheerleaders" mean to discount your feelings but it can sure come across that way sometimes, can't it?!

Yeah it can. I know most people "mean well," but I've decided that some of that cheerleading is maybe indicative of their own wanting desperately to feel better or wanting desperately for you to feel better.  It seems like since John died, I've spent so much time just working (like a job) on ways to feel better and get very distressed when it hasn't turned out the way I thought it would.  I've followed all the suggestions.  The world needs better education about how big and deep grief is and that just caring support is the best thing.  I mean, we all want to feel better and are working in all of our ways to get there.  I don't think we need lectures or advice (unless asked for) on how to do that; it actually feeds into that feeling of being incompetent when people are telling you what you need to do.  I already know what to do, just getting waylaid by that feeling of disconnection because I lost my biggest connection.  I personally feel the most hope when people hang in there and just reassure me that I am doing the best I can in a horrible situation, maybe listen some, just keep being a friend.  Hugs to all....Cookie

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On 5/3/2017 at 7:07 AM, Cookie said:

I've decided that some of that cheerleading is maybe indicative of their own wanting desperately to feel better or wanting desperately for you to feel better.

I think you've hit the nail on the head!  It wouldn't help to resent them for trying to cheer us on, maybe sometimes it actually helps us, but I've learned to tell people what I'm needing from them, they can't read my mind and many of them honestly don't know how to help us.  Maybe if we just come right out and tell them, "What I really need is for someone to just sit with me and care, maybe listen, not offer suggestions, no advice, just be there."  That is one of the hardest gifts one can give because they have to squelch their desire to "fix"...and honestly, this isn't something anyone can fix.

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