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Still in my early 30's and trying to date again


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It seems no matter how much chemistry we have initially or for weeks or months together, it fizzles out. I wonder why? I always have had no problem finding love. All that has changed has been the loss of jack. I wonder if I am acting to clingy or whatever. Normally the texting is mutual. Either I start it or the other person does pretty equally. When it is clicking I feel like we text daily to one another. We want to see one another often, then somehow things fizzle out. I am getting discouraged. This is verrrry difficult for me. It has been over two years now and I am just trying to finally have the life with someone I crave and deserve. Again I am feeling pulling back from the recent guy I am interested in. It is really tough. Every single time I am disappointed in something not working out I am reminded what I lost. How good and perfect life was. It makes me really sad.

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I can't analyze this, but it seems you have answered it yourself with
 

9 hours ago, JHCP said:

Again I am feeling pulling back from the recent guy I am interested in.

They aren't Jack.  Unless you push through to see the good things about them and not expect a Jack clone, you're probably setting yourself up for disappointment.  Are you seeing a grief counselor you could talk this over with?

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1 hour ago, kayc said:

Are you seeing a grief counselor you could talk this over with?

Good advice, Kay. And JCHP, once we lose the love of our lives, it's awfully hard to take the risk of loving like that again, because we've learned first-hand that people don't come with a lifetime warranty. We've learned the hard way that no matter how much we love, our love is not strong enough to prevent the death (or the loss) of the ones we love. It is only natural to want to avoid that risk of having to experience this unbearable pain all over again. Love always carries the risk of losing that which we dearly love ~ but when it's real, we know in our bones that it is worth it, and we feel ready and willing to take that risk

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17 hours ago, JHCP said:

It seems no matter how much chemistry we have initially or for weeks or months together, it fizzles out. I wonder why? I always have had no problem finding love. All that has changed has been the loss of jack. I wonder if I am acting to clingy or whatever. Normally the texting is mutual. Either I start it or the other person does pretty equally. When it is clicking I feel like we text daily to one another. We want to see one another often, then somehow things fizzle out. I am getting discouraged. This is verrrry difficult for me. It has been over two years now and I am just trying to finally have the life with someone I crave and deserve. Again I am feeling pulling back from the recent guy I am interested in. It is really tough. Every single time I am disappointed in something not working out I am reminded what I lost. How good and perfect life was. It makes me really sad.

 True story…..I have a friend who also lost her love after three years together[not married or anything but would have done if they’d had the money] when she was young. Much like you, after some time on her own, she decided to begin dating again. Nothing worked out, she pulled back from every guy she started to get close to. Then a few months later she went away on holiday, intending to spend the time by herself and see the sights of where she was, and came back with an engagement ring on her finger [incredibly quick, I know] and a guy who had also been there on his own. They’d just clicked, and were married two years later. 16 years on and they are still very happy together. She tells me that she still thinks about the love she lost every day but it’s no longer painful for her to do so.

So you never know. In my experience, love would come when I wasn’t really looking for it….but that's easy enough for me to say, and I also know how awful loneliness is….

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On 5/5/2017 at 10:31 AM, MartyT said:

... it's awfully hard to take the risk of loving like that again, because we've learned first-hand that people don't come with a lifetime warranty. .

MartyT,

That is the best line of truth I have heard in a long time.  My wife loved to cross-stitch.  That would be a great cross-stitch project to mount on everyone's wall.  Thanks!  :ph34r:

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JHCP,

The dating thing is so hard. I never really thought that I would date anyone again. Never really had any intention to. I met someone who also lost his love of his life. We started out as friends just going and doing things together or just getting together to talk or watch a movie. I have questioned myself many times if I was ready for this. I have to remind myself often that he is not Richard although he does remind me of him a lot. Just found out last week that I also say or do things that remind him of his love. I think it helps that we both understand what each other is going through. It also helps that we both talk about our lost loved ones often.

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I'm glad for you, Polly!  It's hard to find that special friend.  My GF got it and she remarried, very happily, I might add.  I'm not jealous of her good fortune but I'm very happy for them.

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Stepping out into the world of dating is so very scary.  And it is only something to contemplate and begin when you are READY.  A while ago, I found myself curious about what was out there...and looked at it with totally different eyes now.  I used to read in all the grief books about dating again, and I sternly and solidly said NO.  I loved my husband and would continue to do so.  It was only his arms and his smiles that I wanted around me.  But I really began to miss the interaction...the conversations and the just knowing someone else was there and cared for me.  It took me a good while to come to terms with the things people had said about Mark wanting me to be happy and not live the rest of my life alone and sorrowful.  I have only loved two men in my life, and both taught me so much about love, and about myself.  But losing Mark also taught me that life is so short, and you never know how much time you have and what the future holds.  For a week and a half now, I have big smiles every day.  It feels good to have something to look forward to.  I am still so very cautious with my heart and baby-stepping into this.  He has been very respectful of that.  Right now it is only texting and emails.  That is how it was when I started out with Mark; we did not meet for a month after we began communicating.  You just have to do what is right for YOU.  It is not always a phrase you like to hear when you have lost the love of your life, but life truly does go on.  Be patient with yourself, JCHP.  Let your confidence grow.

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2 hours ago, Froggie4635 said:

  But losing Mark also taught me that life is so short, and you never know how much time you have and what the future holds.  For a week and a half now, I have big smiles every day.  It feels good to have something to look forward to.  I am still so very cautious with my heart and baby-stepping into this.  He has been very respectful of that.  Right now it is only texting and emails.  That is how it was when I started out with Mark; we did not meet for a month after we began communicating.  You just have to do what is right for YOU.  It is not always a phrase you like to hear when you have lost the love of your life, but life truly does go on.  Be patient with yourself, JCHP.  Let your confidence grow.

Good words Maryann. 

Kathy would remind me often that life is short and how we never know how much time we have.  In other words enjoy life while you have it.

Once you learn a truth you just can't unlearn it.  I read a book back in 1979.  The book is "The Road Less Traveled" by M Scott Peck and one chapter is entitled "Risk of Loss". I know I have spoken of this before but I learned and never forgot how love cannot exist with that risk. So we find ourselves with this loss don't we? And... we find ourselves afraid of it happening again. To live without love and all those things that fill our lives would sadly be lost forever for you can never have them back again either. It takes great courage to try again. There is a lady in Maui who is teaching me that.  It's hard to be brave when your heart aches so badly.

The love we have for the one's we have lost will never end. This is a simple truth. I know that now.  Having accepted that truth has allowed me to discover that I can love again.

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I don't know if I will ever have someone again.  I've been reading these posts and I'm happy for everyone who is having that experience.  It's not that I think I can have a John clone; it's more that he set the bar pretty high.  I have a male friend I do things with and just can't imagine getting that kind of close with him.  Also, I'm in my 60s and feel like it would be a miracle if I met someone in my age range who I could get excited about or him me.  A widower would be the best I think.  I dream about it....but I guess I don't think the odds are high.  I am lonely for male companionship and closeness; guess I should never say never; miracles do happen---I met John didn't I?

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Someone who knows me and heard I was in love and getting married once again said they were very happy for me saying I had grieved enough. Once again I am amazed at the things that come out of peoples mouths. I am not done grieving, I will never be done grieving and not a day goes by that I don't think of Kathy.  Miracles do happen though . Yes they do indeed. 

John did set the bar pretty high Cookie but is was his bar. Kathy could never be compared to either. Two months along my griefs journey I was told by a friend of Kathy's sister that when I was ready she wanted me to meet someone who had lost her husband. She actually said "Steve she is just like Kathy".  Who ever could deal with that one?  Should the miracle happen for you Cookie, I would expect it not to be one you would or could compare to John.  Patty is as different from Kathy as one could ever be..... and she has her own high bar.

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What does come from people's mouths is always amazing about our grief, Steve.

this is big news if I read it correctly.....you and Patty are getting married?  Wow, if so, I am so happy for you both!?

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