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You did a great job, Mitch!  Are you on a hill or is it from the second story?

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Joyce, you're awesome, but no. ;)

This was the first time I stained a deck and it's hard work. The step boards and floor boards are easy. It's all the trim work and all those spindles.

Marty you mentioned the steps. And yeah, they should have their own zip code.

A quick cell pic (sorry for the low quality) to put it in perspective:

deck 5.jpg

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Well, I put the furniture and grill back on the deck but now what?  This is kind of how life is for me now. I find a project to do and all is "OK" while I'm doing it. Then, it's back to my life alone and wondering where this life will take me.

I just don't have any real direction. What's my goal? For now, I guess it's still just getting through the day. This life without Tammy still mostly feels meaningless and empty. 

A former co-worker's son recently died and he was my age. I have to admit the whole mortality thing plays on my mind. How could it not? Tammy died at 45.

I'm trying to find purpose and sometimes it's all too difficult.

Tomorrow's another day and I'll do the best I can. I just wish I was able to get back the optimism and joy that I used to have. Tammy made life so much better. She was the best part of my world.

A world that now feels like it's passing me by.

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  • 3 weeks later...

I guess I'm in the "now what?" stage of my grief journey. A month or so ago I had a flurry of activity that culminated in my deck renewal project. Since then, I've basically been "depressed and mopey". I just can't find the motivation right now and I'm not happy with myself. I know I'm supposed be gentle with myself but I feel like I need to kick things in gear. But how?

No accomplishment has any real lasting positivity to it. I get a tiny boost and then I'm back into "this life sucks mode". I'm trying to find the formula for some sort of contentment without Tammy and it's eluded me. She truly was my happiness and I know she'd want me to be happy. But, I dont know how to be happy in a world without the one person that made my life worthwhile.

Not that I don't think I'm worthy of a good life. I think I am a good guy. Alone, and without my Tammy though, it just feels like an existence, not a life with any exuberance to it. I want to feel that zest for life I had. Maybe it's just not in the cards?

 

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I can relate to your restlessness Mitch.  It seems that the physical activity kind of revs up my interest in life and when the job is done the let-down is huge.  The satisfaction is so short lived.  I would give anything to feel Gord here with me.

I have a huge honeydo list and no honey to help me do it.  There are several things on my list that I really don't have enough knowledge about.  Google is helpful for some things but it doesn't help with knowing who to trust to do a good job at a good price.  

I need to paint the exterior of my house, remove and then rebuild an 8' x 10' sloped roof over my back door, renovate my one bathroom, install a heavy duty door in my barn and finish putting on the flashing, put building wrap and siding on my cabin, get firewood, and get my hay supply.  Then there is the yard work... I need to get a brush mower for cutting down wild roses in my pasture areas, and find a faller to take down some dead trees near my power lines.

I'm to old for all this work (60 next Wednesday) and I don't have enough money to pay to have it done for me.  I guess that is part of why I get really down.  But, I don't know what else I can do so I will keep trying to git er done.

Take care @mittam99 and @TomPB

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What Mitch wrote is something I think most of us face and I don't think there's a one answer fits all...not sure there even is an answer.  

Marita, you have so much to do I was exhausted just thinking about it!  There is so much that needs done around here and I'm not physically up to the task, most of it is more than a one person job.  I can relate to not having enough $ to hire it out, and then there's always the problem with contractors, I haven't had good luck.  I'm wondering if it is the change in our times that people don't deal with you in a forthright manner, they don't return calls, don't do a good job, etc.  Ugh!  I've learned to prioritize and get done what I can, hire out what I can, and let the rest wait.  I'm working on trying not to worry about it so much.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Sometimes the pain comes when you least expect it from the most unexpected places. I came home from work and opened up my county property tax bill. Shockingly, it was $800 more than I expected. I called the county to ask why it went up so high and their answer put me in a tailspin. The charge was for some new sewer and water fees. I asked why my rate increased so much. The woman proceeded to tell me that the new fees were based on a new formula. The new formula? Well, it's based on fiscal year 2014 water consumption. 2014? Isn't this 2017? Of course in 2014 my water consumption was higher because Tammy was alive and Katie was still at home.

This hit me hard. Not only due to the ridiculous (and unfair) way my county is charging me. It just hurts knowing that my Tammy is not here and yet in essence I'm paying again for all the meals I cooked, the clothes I washed etc. for my family back in 2014. I am writing an appeal letter but I'm sure the county won't care.

Mitch

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Oh Mitch, I'm so sorry. This seems so totally wrong and ridiculously unfair. I hope your appeal letter gets to the right person/people and does what you need it to do. Whatever happened to representative government?!

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Wow!  I would think something like that should be voted on, not just arbitrarily done.  People sell their homes, someone else buys it, yet they'd base it on a previous owner according to this "formula"!  My son lives on the outskirts of a town, where he has well water but uses city sewer.  When he got his bill from the city it was $200!  He called and complained and was told since there wasn't a meter on water usage due to his having a well, they have to "assume" this ridiculously high amount!  It's NOT fair, nothing right about it!  They base sewage off water usage.

My county has been unfairly charging me property taxes for 40 years based on "outbuildings" that are not taxable, yet they won't change it.  These "buildings" are wood on dirt, no foundation, rotting as we speak.  yet they do nothing, even when challenged.  A friend of mine just went through challenging them, hired a lawyer, they agreed with him, but continue to bill him at the same amount, now he has an attorney bill on top of it.  I hope you get a lot further with your county, ours is awful.

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  • 4 weeks later...
On 8/3/2017 at 2:27 PM, mittam99 said:

Sometimes the pain comes when you least expect it from the most unexpected places. I came home from work and opened up my county property tax bill. Shockingly, it was $800 more than I expected. I called the county to ask why it went up so high and their answer put me in a tailspin. The charge was for some new sewer and water fees. I asked why my rate increased so much. The woman proceeded to tell me that the new fees were based on a new formula. The new formula? Well, it's based on fiscal year 2014 water consumption. 2014? Isn't this 2017? Of course in 2014 my water consumption was higher because Tammy was alive and Katie was still at home.

This hit me hard. Not only due to the ridiculous (and unfair) way my county is charging me. It just hurts knowing that my Tammy is not here and yet in essence I'm paying again for all the meals I cooked, the clothes I washed etc. for my family back in 2014. I am writing an appeal letter but I'm sure the county won't care.

Mitch

A little update featuring some surprisingly good news.  I definitely needed some after that harrowing incident on the highway today. I got my mail and in it was another tax bill (usually that's not a good thing but today it was). That crazy charge of $800 based on my water consumption from 2014 had been reduced to $250. I'm not sure how that happened but I am grateful and relieved.

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Probably they see your consumption has dropped and they're catching up that change.  I don't know what harrowing incident your referring to, but maybe by the time I've caught up reading on the forum I'll find out...

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  • 2 months later...

Life without Tammy just doesn't get easier.  Sure I've adapted to the rhythm of this lonely life to an extent. It's a one day at a time life repeated by another 24 hours of the same loneliness, emptiness and longing for my Tammy.

Today was another day in this difficult journey. I decided to make some slow cooker bbq'd pulled chicken. Something I've never done. I'm not really a slow cooker guy but I figured, what the heck. Tammy loved the slow cooker. Well, after six hours it turned out ridiculously good. Made some slaw too. So there I was munching on this juicy, succulent, sweet and tangy chicken sandwich and  ooh-ing and ahh-ing at the flavor. This was one of the tastiest sandwiches I've ever had. Then it hit me... hard. In mid orgasmic bite, the tears started to well up. All I could think about was how Tammy would love this. How I wished she could taste it. I screamed out "Tammy you have to eat this". "Why can't you eat this???".  My head now tilted down hovering over the plate, the tears threatening to water down the homemade tangy cole slaw. 

The pain of losing Tammy will never leave. That's a given. Sure, it's not always at the surface, but it's there just waiting to burst out. I've learned to calm myself down after a few minutes of anguish. If I went longer I don't think I could bounce back like I do. I have a void in my life that nothing or no one could ever fill. Tammy was my whole life, my happiness.

Even though it's been over 32 months, what happened on March 6, 2015 still seems so unfathomable.  

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2 hours ago, mittam99 said:

still seems so unfathomable

Mitch, I will be walking in this apartment that Billy has never/would never move into and sometimes it seems he is here.  I do not mean that magically, I just mean even after two years, he should be sitting on the couch, which we no longer have.  It is just he was with me so long, I forget sometimes and think he is there.  Oh, I am not totally insane,  I catch on instantly that he is not here.  And, I will never quit asking why he left me.  That big house we lived in, I would definitely be certifiable.  It was in the woods, no houses around (that you could see), ended in a circle so there were never any cars, only 2 house past us,  the woods were in back, deer came up, a bear (I didn't see it but others did), a wildcat one time, crows constantly, hawks when I had bird feeders out, and I would run chasing them with my red broom, even little chipmunks, which I had never seen in Louisiana.  My friends called it a paradise.  Woods and a valley in front of the house with white iris's growing where a former owner had thrown some old bulbs, the red spider lilies in fall, and even a lilac bush.  A solid orange rose that was so beautiful I loved it to death and killed it our first month in the house.  I was no good with plants and could not keep my husband alive either.  The paradise was hell for me.  Right now I hear Brian and Selma talking, they live across from me..  This is why I am here, to hear life and living people. The swimming pool and basketball goals are across the road in the park.  I love the noise.  Billy and I loved the quiet.  He is not here.  I am strange. 

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Mitch,.  It is so very hard.  Tomorrow would have been our 17th wedding anniversary.  I will try to look thru picture albums and remember the great times we had.  Don't know how far I'll get, but I will try.  It will probably make me so horribly sad that he is not here with me.  I think that will last forever.

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