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life milestones in grief


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on Tuesday, my daughter Catherine will graduate from drexel university with a degree in film.  I leave tomorrow night, steve will meet me there tuesday for the ceremony and meet Catherine for the first time. there is joy.  there is pride beyond measure. but there is more that barely has words. because that pride was ron's too. he would tell everyone he saw that his daughter - what he called her despite being stepdad - was in college, in film school.  he was proud of her, always. he was proud to have - at all costs - financially gotten her through college, with loans, with some of his retirement, taken early and bulk to help her and Maui Pasta.  he was so excited to go to her graduation, we'd been planning it since she started college. ron had a master's degree - he fought tooth and nail to get himself through college, his family no support, to raise him out of a rough childhood...  "no matter how hard it is to pay it, nobody can ever take away your education from you" he would say.  she almost would not finish her last year because ron was not here to sign the loans I could not get because i had defaulted on my student loan when i had cancer 10 years ago. But she did so well there, that when I told the school the situation, she received endowment grants to cover her senior year tuition.

She will be debuting her senior film, "the blank page" on monday - about a woman, on her deathbed, flashing back her life from birth.  The moral - living an authentic life.   the quote on her film bio reads, " we only get to be in our bodies a limited time, why not celebrate the journey instead of merely riding it until it is over? - Jen Sincero"  the loss of ron has shaped her work. a key scene in this film is the loss of the woman's husband.

a milestone is here. and ron is not. i'm afraid of ruining the joy with sorrow. with grief. with non-existent memories of what we had planned. don't get me wrong, i am so lucky to have steve and his love and support. but there is a gaping hole in the milestone where ron was supposed to be... how - just how - do you get through these milestones... when the unstoppable object of joy crashes into the immovable object of grief?

The depths that I keep falling to between the business going down, the packing up my life, the graduation... omg.

thanks for listening... please forgive me for not posting more to everyone over these last few months...

patty

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The fact is Ron will be there Patty. He wouldn't miss it for the world. In reference to the "the business going down" ?  Not hardly.  Maui Pasta and Ron's dream continue. It's just moving to a new location.:wub:  In the words of Jim Lovell, commander of Apollo 13, "Our mission was considered a successful failure".                                                                                 Maui Pasta will indeed fly again.

I wanted to post this picture at Ron's ceremony when his ashes were placed in the warm Maui ocean and I hope you don't mind because it shows the love and the loss for both you and your daughter for a good and loving man. He was for certain the father she knew and loved.

 

 

Patty and Catherine.jpg

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Patty,

Your post is poignant and beautifully expresses your love.  

How proud you must be of your daughter!  And of the man that sacrificed to help her through school, her father.  

No need for apologies here, you have your plate more than full.  Just go enjoy your daughter's graduation!

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Your daughter's choices run on the same rails as my granddaughter.  I pray she will have the bravery of your daughter with you and Ron both behind her.  Billy was the only daddy my granddaughter ever knew, but she could not have had a better one.  I just wish she could have had him longer, as you yourself wish.  

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Patty,

I know how joyous, yet solemn, this celebration will be. Yet it is happening because of Ron's love and your daughter's hard work.

We buried our Ron three days before my son graduated. My son placed his dad's invitation to the ceremony in the casket and simply said "I made it, Dad. I only wish you were here to see it." It was indeed a bittersweet moment, but we made it through with only myself and my grandson attending his celebration. You will get through Patty, as you have gotten through so many other events, with that strength we never knew we had. I'm so glad that Steve is with you.

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