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Simple things aren't simple anymore


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3 hours ago, TomPB said:

Is it better to have just my name on the account,

Tom, when I bought a new purse with my first retirement check that had been Billy's, I cried in front of the J.C. Penney's girl that rung me up.  I had to tell her.  I could not stand spending our money on just me.  I have not changed the SS account yet.  I will have to eventually.  Right now I am on "Billy's 5th Kindle" and will never change this account because Billy, my non-reader when we were first married, had turned into a voracious reader.  I joined the $9.99 Amazon book club just so I could get him so many free books.  I can remember a time that he would get angry at me for reading and not paying him attention.  It was just like fishing.  He was a rough fisherman when I first met him and by the time he left, he was a very educated fly fisherman.  He fished in our front yard more than anywhere developing and practicing the different techniques.  I say "rough" fisherman because he and his dad used bamboo poles stuck in the Louisiana mud banks of the borrow pits down from his town.  Then he put out yo-yo's when he got a boat and always ran trotlines.  But reading, not much.  Then he discovered Louis L'Amour, Michael McGarrity, Terry Johnston's Titus Bass series, C.J. Box's Joe Pickett series and every mountain man book he/I could find.  I would print him out the synopsis of each book and he kept them all stapled together.  He read so many books I could hardly find any he had not read.  I made a book monster out of him.  Maybe that is why it is hard for me to get back in reading.  That is something I cannot give up.

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On 6/14/2017 at 0:41 PM, Widowedbysuicide said:

I'm struggling with all kinds of emotions today.  It's been 17 months since Gord left and it keeps getting more real.  Today should have been our 37th Wedding Anniversary.  I just want to go back to feeling numb and hope the day passes.

I will never know why he ended his life and recently it has been eating at me.  I have a toxic person in my life and I'm allowing it because I'm so lonely.  Maybe I'm better off without anyone in my life right now.  I just want to be able to talk to someone who at least pretends to listen.

Nothing interests me.  I feel like a robot going through the motions of the necessities of life. ?

Marita,

I went through similar thoughts and feelings as the shock of my wife's death became more real. It is almost like the shell of shock was melting away to expose the harsh truth and reality of her death.  No doubt about it ... it sucks.  The grief pain is real and I needed to face it little by little.  Looking back these 17 months, you will find you have made progress. We all notice it.

One of the lessons, I am learning through this grief process is the value of taking care of myself as well as I did other people.  It is a struggle but you are worth it. Since you recognize that this person is toxic you need to set boundaries so they don't cross over.  Even now, I find myself having to do that for my mental/emotional health and sanity.  You are worth it even when you feel like you aren't.  Hang on and hold on.. There is hope.. tomorrow. Shalom, George

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Marita, you're in my thoughts.  I can't imagine how it must feel to have them take their own life, that just compounds everything.  I'm sorry you have a toxic person in your life.  No matter how alone you are, I'd opt for the loneliness rather than the toxic person, but that's me, you have to make your own choice.  I guess you have to weigh the bad with the good and see which one comes out on top.  (((hugs)))

I was having my own hard day yesterday...it was George's birthday, which is enough in itself, but I'd gone to town (120 mile round trip) to run errands, get groceries, and I discovered a mole I have on my neck/chest area has suddenly grown, is no longer symmetrical, and has three dark spots in it, so it's now three colors.  Tried to get in to my doctor but she's not in on Wednesdays.  Plus they just sold the clinic yesterday so it was in chaos, couldn't even talk to her nurse, so made an appt. to come back on Friday.  My insurance never pays for anything, too high deductible so I know if it requires biopsy and surgery it'll be out of my pocket.  Why couldn't this have waited 3 1/2 more months until I'm on Medicare!  Melanoma runs in my family but I've never had it.  Plus my knee still hurts from the fall over two weeks ago, but I'm going to wait on that until Medicare, can't afford the x-rays or MRI.  This insurance that costs $1200+/month isn't helping much. 

 

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Kay, when I fell with the weight of my fluffy behind on my foot, there was no doubt it was broken.  What could withstand that weight?  I could hardly walk and hated using the cane (remember my mom hating to use the cane).  When they did the MRI, I heard them say it was not broken but something was "displaced" and I guess it just replaced itself because now I cannot remember which foot it was that was hurt.  I wish you well with your doctor's visit.  Sometimes it seems like we could put that $1200 back in something that we could use for doctor's visits.  Then I remembered, there was a plan that let you put the money back, but medical care is so expensive the $1200 would not pay for you sitting on an ER gurney.  

And Marita, we don't any of us know what went on in your husband's mind.  Maybe, like Robin Williams, he saw no other way out.  It seems to be the act of someone that does not want to hurt anyone any more than living with something would do.  As said before, being around all the suicidal thoughts of myself and my children, I see where things seem hopeless sometimes.  We cannot control what goes on in our loved ones minds.  We want to, we try, but sometimes they see more than we do.  In 2014, I took up all my husband's time trying to save my life when it was his life we should have been fighting for also.  I required too much attention.  That haunts me.  I feel my useless life was saved at the expense of his.

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Thank goodness I have medical coverage.  I am not usually getting hurt and needing a Dr but in my aloneness I have made some stupid choices: I forget that there were reasons why I wanted Gord to wait til I was here to help him with stuff.  @kayc I hope that your medical situation improves and that your coverage imroves.  

As for the choice to evict my toxic friend for my own good I think you are right about being better off alone.  Being married for so long I was spoiled with having a faithful husband.  He was kind and always thoughtful of my feelings and needs.  Mr. Toxic wants a friendship on his terms to fill his needs.  I have been desperate for some kind of human connection that I haven't properly tried to tell him that everything can not go his way.  He makes me feel stupid, he talks to me as if I was a young child.  It's really hard to take but I don't want to hurt him by telling him that his behaviour doesn't work for me.  He tells me that I'm the only one that understands him and that m his only real friend.  Since he suffers with anxiety and depression I worry about him trying to end his life.  He is the one that threatens it.  I'm not used to feeling like this and I'm at a loss for having the strength to stand up for myself. 

A new old friend has recently contacted me and I'm both thrilled and afraid.  I don't want to make the same mistake of putting his life ahead of mine.  When Gord was alive I never had this problem.  I always put us and our son first.  I'm just so lonely for a friend.

@Marg M I understand the "I required too much attention.  That haunts me.  I feel my useless life was saved at the expense of his.".  Gord saved me from suicide more times than I want to admit.  I also struggled with thinking I needed to save the 3 of us and murder/suicide was my idea of us being saved from a horrible, hurtful life.  I had no idea the effect that suicide would have on the survivors.  Now that I know I feel so ashamed of myself.  I feel a little of things and they haunt me.

The photo is my beautiful horse.  Kachina de Chelly is my Cheeky horse.  I love her.  The best part of these past few months is that I was able to go on a 3 hour ride on Monday this week.

IMG_20170612_104347731.jpg

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Marita, your horse is beautiful. My Debbie's horses were the loves of her life, especially Shania that she acquired as a baby.

I had to check and see if you are in Arizona as Kachina de Chelly is a good representation for this state.

Enjoy your future rides.

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Thank you Marg and Karen.  Cheeky really is the love of my life too.  

The woman who bred her mother did some research before naming her.  Because she is a sorrel the terra cotta colours in the Canyon de Chelly in Arizona are a great description of her colouring.  If you see some of the photos of the canyon at sunrise  you can see the richness of her coat.  A Kachina is sometimes interpreted as a doll or a Spirit.  My little love was born in a rocky area of British Columbia so the loose translation of her name is Spirit of the Rocks.  She is a cheeky little doll. ?.

My husband made my dreams come true when he helped me to have my own horse.  He furthered that dream by working to purchase a property where we have our beautiful equines at home.  I miss him terribly.  Last September, nine months after his passing, I was broken hearted to have to euthanize the gelding we loved and enjoyed. 2016 was not a good year for me.

I have a small sewing/repair business at home that I call SorrelBay Sewing Works.  The photo explains the name.  Thank you for giving me the joy of sharing the best part of my life.  Sorry for such a ramble.

 

 

IMG_1601.JPG

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You got me thinking about the costs of your Health Care....I complain about  paying $75 a month....The flat rate is what I object to, if I make $35 K per year I pay the same as a Millionaire.......Our Government changes next week, lets see what happens

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Kevin, I thought health care was free in Canada.  Mine stays pretty much the same, and I actually don't know what I pay but for Medicare and my group retirement, I think it is about probably 250 a month.  I have 300 deductible.  I think Obamacare made insurance very expensive, but it allowed people with a chronic illness be able to get insurance.  I remember the woman at one of the Dollar stores said they finally had insurance but it was $5000 deductible, so she could not afford to get sick.  We have had a variation of the same since 1961, only now it is called retirement group insurance.  

Marita, you have some big pets, but know you feel good getting away with them riding.  

The hospital I retired from the firs time, was at first called a charity hospital.  It was a state operated hospital.  My dad had his  tonsils out there in about 1926.  They had them two to a bed.  Head and feet opposite.  We had a governor named Jindal that killed our hospital system.  His folks had been from India.  He left Louisiana in so much debt the new governor is making drastic cuts and the charity hospital system is no more.  We had people that came from far away in our state come for free care.  I worked as OB secretary one time and had to read the rules and one of the rules was no clay/dirt eating.  (Very bad on a pregnant woman).  I asked the woman I was interviewing if this was true and she said "Honey, I almost floundered myself with my first child.  There was a shelf of red clay behind the house and I would bake it."  I really got a lot of stories from working in that hospital,  I had to type lots of interesting patients that will probably just die without medical care.  Lots of poverty.  Cannot afford to go to doc and cannot afford meds.  Sad. 

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Medical Insurance is a Provincial responsibility, each Province funds it separately , BC and Ontario have premiums for those who earn more than $ 30000 annually........Eight provinces and two Territories have it free......Hopefully next year they are all free with income below $100,000 annual........our only deductibles are emergency room visits..$ 45...reduce nuisance visits

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18 hours ago, Widowedbysuicide said:

It's really hard to take but I don't want to hurt him by telling him that his behaviour doesn't work for me.

Be more concerned about YOU than HIM.  Seriously!  You are your own advocate.  Dr. Phil says we teach people how to treat us and I couldn't agree more.  We have to stand up for ourselves in order for others to respect us.  There is such a thing as being nice to a fault.  NO ONE HAS THE RIGHT TO TALK DOWN TO YOU!  I would START by telling him his behavior doesn't work for me!

I know how hard it is to be lonely. :(  (((hugs)))

I love your pictures, and I love your horses, they're beautiful!

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On 6/16/2017 at 8:49 AM, kayc said:

Be more concerned about YOU than HIM.  Seriously!  You are your own advocate.  Dr. Phil says we teach people how to treat us and I couldn't agree more.  We have to stand up for ourselves in order for others to respect us.  There is such a thing as being nice to a fault.  NO ONE HAS THE RIGHT TO TALK DOWN TO YOU!  I would START by telling him his behavior doesn't work for me!

I know how hard it is to be lonely. :(  (((hugs)))

I love your pictures, and I love your horses, they're beautiful!

Ditto,

I tried to post but it just vanished. I recommend two books:

Attached: The new Science of Adult Attachment and how it can help by Amir Levine & Rachel Heller

Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend

 

Shalom

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On 6/16/2017 at 10:40 PM, iPraiseHim said:

Ditto,

I tried to post but it just vanished. I recommend two books:

Attached: The new Science of Adult Attachment and how it can help by Amir Levine & Rachel Heller

Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend

 

Shalom

Thank you George ?. I appreciate your knowledge on the recommendations.  I hope too that you are feeling less tired tonight and that your work is not overtaxing for you.

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I have Boundaries, it's a very good book.  I also recommend Emotional Blackmail and in my case, Toxic Parents, Adult Children of Alcoholics.  All about learning boundaries and how to deal with difficult people in our lives.  (My dog chewed up Boundaries when he was a puppy, I always thought that ironic!  It was hard teaching HIM boundaries!) :)

 

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I did some work on boundaries several years back when my mother was making life hell.  It was very difficult to change my thoughts and behaviors. By that time I had 25 years of conditioning from my narcissistic mother.  When I did try to set boundaries she escalated her behaviours and things got much worse for a time.  In the end the only solution was to cut her out of my life.  She has been very unforgiving where I am involved and although I have given her many, many opportunities to be a 'healthier family' she refuses to take any responsibility for her actions and words.  Since Gord's death I have been very aware of the wasted efforts and years of torment that my marriage suffered.  I can't get that time back, I can't rewrite history, I can't make my mind forget and now I'm not sure I will be able to forgive her for what she robbed from my husband, myself, and our son.  My anger and resentment towards my mother is a festering sore.  Many people say that I should visit with her because I will regret it when she is gone.  I doubt that actually.  They say "you only have one Mother"....  She doesn't know anything about my husband's death.  If she did she would be calling me to tell me that I did it to him.  I can't do that to myself or my son.  We are all that we have.

So much for simple lol.

 

 

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Marita,

I totally get what you're saying, been there!  My mom was mentally ill and abusive as well.  She was pretty good at controlling us and I didn't learn to set boundaries until I was in my 40s, I let her reactions be hers but I protected myself and my kids from her, I had to.  I gently but firmly reprimanded her for interfering in my dealing with my kids and she stormed out and I didn't see her for a year.  That was okay, it was a peaceful year.  Yeah it hurts sometimes, but I had to remind myself she was ill so even though it felt personal, it wasn't...STILL I had to protect us.  I'm glad I got to see her through her years of Dementia because she softened and it made my memory of her a little easier...this was the first time in her life she was getting treated for her paranoia, plus she forgot many of her imagined "wrongs" (by others).  One of my sisters chose to cut her out of her life, the other two only saw her maybe once or twice a year for a short time, another one was quadriplegic and couldn't go see her (we took her there once but mostly she was content with her out of her life), so it was just my brother and myself that dealt with her.  I found the books I mentioned above very helpful in learning how to deal with her.  I could NOT succumb to her antics.  I set the standard and let her own her consequences, whether she realized it or not.  She was given to histrionics and sometimes not pleasant.  I had to pay $25 to block her from my office phone.  I was upset when one of my sisters gave her my cell number.  My home phone was easier to control in that environment because I could take the phone off the hook or block her when I needed to.  I found if all I could handle was five minutes with her, that's what she got.  If she behaved, she got longer.  It really IS about teaching people how to treat you, but when they absolutely refuse to learn, sometimes we do have to cut toxic people out of our lives.  It's not our fault we're related to them!

You're wise to recognize this and protect yourself.

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58 minutes ago, kayc said:

You're wise to recognize this and protect yourself.

Mental illness is hard on the patient, and the whole family.  My mom and my daughter share the same characteristics.  My granddaughter hides from this, the same as I did.  My mom did not want the attention that my daughter does, and you do not tell my daughter "no."  Someone mentioned that to me years ago.  All she needs is to be told "no."  Well, that person could not do it, and she does not accept that word.  There was no "growing apart" for my mom and me.  We were close for the first nine years, I could not have asked for a better mom, but something snapped after the birth of my sister and she was never the same.  My sister never knew "my" mother.  My parents should never have had children.  I'm sorry to say that, but it happens sometimes.  I did not leave my kids with them because they were worse grandparents than they were parents.  Generations are raised differently.  Yet Billy's mama may have not ever told her kids she loved them, but she was pure love to my children.  People are strange.........I know........I probably am the worse.  I always thought my granddaddy on my mama's side should have been married to my mammaw on my dad's side.  They radiated love yet their spouses did not show it.  Since Billy left, I don't radiate it either.  

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Marita, you are so right on "Boundaries".....Bought the book "Boundaries", recommended from some one here....When to say yes and when to say No....It's in large print to boot....Now I say No a lot more and feel good about it.....

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Good morning from the temperate rainforest.  Everything is growing and the smells are incredible.

Many thanks for the suggestions and support.  I'm going to a bookstore today, with a list must buy books. I am conflicted with myself about boundaries with my mother.  She really believes that I should be bowing and scraping to her.  She put her mother on a pedestal and believes she deserves her own pedestal.  There have been many attempts on my part to try to set the boundary that my son is My son and that as the grandmother she does not have the right to berate and belittle me in front of my him.  Her most used tactic was to point out that she would be the better parent because I limited his exposure to those things that were not good for him. Telling him that he should be able to have as many sugary treats and hot chocolate right before bed.  Poor kid would wind up like a top and wouldn't stop for hours ?.

Since she believes that everything bad in her life is because of me we have no common ground.  She has turned family and friends against me for as long as I can remember.  She was like an older sibling telling my Dad, and anyone else who would listen, on me.  She was so critical of everything.  

I am soon to be 60.  She was 92 in November.  There will be no softening on her part; she is insistent that I am an international daughter who favoured my Dad and that he spoiled me rotten.  Reminding her that I was a child and not an adult inflames her.  She can see no sense.

I went to mental health for counselling and all she cared about was what was I saying about her and when was I going to get better.  Life has had some big bad surprises for me so I've decided that I need to live for me and leave her to her own.  If there are regrets I will deal with that too.

?

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Marita,

I'm so sorry to hear that your mother treats you this way. It must be so hurtful for you.  I had a very close relationship with both of my parents, but realize that so many people don't. At her age, I don't foresee an attitude change. She sounds like she MUST be in control, when in reality, she controls nothing but her own frustrations. You and your son are certainly capable of living your lives without her two cents worth. Prayers for your situation.

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