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KATPILOT

The Right Tool For The Job

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Most of my adult life I have employed a simple concept of using the right tool for the job. I enjoyed working on my cars and my airplane doing as much as I could do with the knowledge I had gained and I have collected quite a few specialty tools to do just one certain task such as say a torque wrench for the correct pound pressure for different bolts. I preface what I am about to say to that single concept. Over my griefs journey I found tools in this same fashion to help me grow and hopefully be less sad. Early on I found grief counseling and then support groups. Soon after I found books and articles that helped me deal with the loss I was enduring. Then of course I discovered this wonderful place and shared while listening to others my experience and sorrow. Going on seven years now I can say the machine is running much better but it still isn't perfect. It still hurts and I still miss her. What is different is that I have grown and I am stronger. I don't cry often but I know now that if I do let myself have that cry it becomes a tool in itself.

I took a class in becoming a grief support group facilitator recently with the idea of adding another tool in my griefs tool box. What it did was remind me that everyone's grief is different and the same tools for me don't always fit others. It is like the difference between metric and standard wrenches or a phillips screwdriver as opposed to a flat head, or nitrogen as opposed to oxygen. "The right tool for the job". I took the class to learn what not to say but I learned even more about myself. I learned that in trying to help others I was helping myself. I picked up a few new tools to help me let go of guilt and after all these years I think it is about time. But time is the thing you see. In this class I was instructed on how to recover from grief in eight short weeks. Egad.! That was where we parted company. I understood the concept that was being directed but I knew in my heart of hearts that you just can't pay money, do the homework, read the books, and walk away healed.Grief is not a bomb you can disarm by following the instructions. I was the only member of the class not there to find a new source of income so I kind of stood out.^_^  I wanted to stand up and say that after the years I have had since my wife died I would never change a thing. For me a lesson that you take time learning is a lesson well learned. Sure it hurt but I kept on working and even in my sorrow I found ways to smile. When I was told about the seven lies in grief and one in particular was "Time heals all wounds", it had me starting to stand up, say "That's it. I'm out of here", and walk away from it. I'm glad I chose to stay. Time though is a funny thing. It may not heal "all wounds", but it was most certainly my friend and time allowed me to heal.  It was right for me.  However we choose to learn, grow, and yes........heal, we must do what is right for us. We need to go to the tool store and find what our machine needs.  One thing is for certain. We are not new machines. We are older, tried and tested, and always remember. They don't make them like this anymore. :wub:

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Wise words, Steve, and I thank you for sharing them with all of us. You're right about time. It's not time itself that heals us. It's what we do with the time. As you say, we need to go to the tool store and figure out what we need as unique individuals. And if the tool we happened to choose didn't work, we can try another, because there are lots of different tools to choose from. That's why your toolbox will be different from mine ~ and no one set of tools will ever work for everyone. 

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Yes, thank you, Steve, for putting into words what is often hard to do as we move through our grief.  My idea is rather simple but I share it here ~ 

I like what you said about the tools we use as we mourn, Steve.  I have found that the tools change as our grief does.  I’ve also learned that we each move through our grief as we know how and not as someone directs us to.  I have also learned that our grief will always be a part of us.  How could it not?  Whatever the definition we use depends on where we are in our grief.  To me, the tools change as my grief changes. I have recently watched my youngest granddaughter eating her cheerios.  Her little hands are her utensils as she reaches for whatever it is on her tray.  As she gets older she will use a spoon or fork to eat. The tools change.  It is the same when we are in grief. We start out reaching for whatever device will help us at the moment and as we do the work of grief we move on to other instruments.  I guess the bottom line for me is that I’ll always be grieving but the tools I use change over the years. And as Marty says each tool box is unique. 

 

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23 hours ago, KATPILOT said:

it had me starting to stand up, say "That's it. I'm out of here", and walk away from it.

My George had a lot of wisdom.  He wasn't born with it, he picked it up by observing and learning through his own life lessons.  He went through some rehab through the state once that when he told me about it, I felt it was atrocious!  Par for the state and how they do things.  But the thing I picked up on was George's wisdom.  When I asked him how he handled it, he said, "I gleaned what I could and let go of the rest."  Pretty sound wisdom.  I've applied that many times since.  Sometimes we don't agree with everything in a book or a sermon, or something, but we can usually get SOMETHING from it if we listen hard enough.  We can take what is good and sound and let go of the rest. ;)

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Good words Kay. We do and must take what we can and leave the rest. I like hearing about George and the man he was. Smart guy.:wub:  That's why he connected with you.

I know from my own life's experiences that I would never have been right for Kathy had I not grown the way I had before we met. The same feeling goes with Patty for we both were so different just a few years ago and how we grew to be open to melting into one another. I'd like to think I am learning to be a better person and pray I don't quit striving for that. I laugh to think of the tools I used as a young man. Took a long time to realize that you don't turn a screw with a hammer.

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6 hours ago, KATPILOT said:

Took a long time to realize that you don't turn a screw with a hammer.

You don't???  Maybe that's my problem! :D

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