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My father's ashes


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Thanks, Marty. I don't feel guilty but I have felt very angry. I haven't done anything wrong. D eventually did say that she was not challenging me. I suppose that what she was actually doing was simply "talking crap"... fabricating nonsense to get a rise out of me. She finally stopped and said she was willing to sign the release letter after I pointed out that she is actually paying me to respond to her nonsense.  It's one thing to annoy your sister for the heck of it, but quite another to pay by the hour to annoy your sister, and make your other sister pay as well for you to entertain yourself by yanking your sister's chain.  

As to finding a way to stop feeling the need to explain and defend myself, that is a long and deeply rooted issue from a childhood of being attacked from all sides. I'm not sure where to even start...Maybe becoming more aware of self-talk when I feel threatened? I'm not sure. That might be it...What do you think?

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Oh Laura, I love the pocket watch!  My dad had one too but I don't know what became of it, probably my younger sister took it to prevent it from being lost, she did that with some pictures and I'm glad or they'd be gone forever.  I'm glad you feel some comfort from wearing it!  The chain is perfect for it.

I love my sisters dearly but they are not without challenge, increasingly more so the older they get.  A phone call to my older sister last night left me upset, she treats me like an imbecile child!  Then my other older sister has dementia and talked about "shooting people".  I know she wouldn't, she couldn't shoot a robber to defend herself!  But talk like that is scary regardless, it's just her brain isn't working right and she continually says inappropriate things.  She's not far gone enough to where you continually remember she has dementia, so I inwardly respond as if it's her, then have to remind myself, she isn't herself anymore. :(  As Marty said, we hold the keys to our feeling guilty...I have a bad habit of defending or explaining myself when I should just let stuff pass, I don't know why I do that, it doesn't get me anywhere, it's something I need to work on.  At this age it's getting harder to change things about myself!

 

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Sorry to hear about your sister problems. I wish so much that things could be better with mine and I always end up feeling responsible in some way - unrealistic as that is - when things go badly. D would never be happy with how much money she got, even if she got 100% of it there would be some problem. Because she got all that money earlier she got less now and she sees no connection. S was terrified to get involved with any if it because she was afraid it would be an icky mess. So she got me to handle it while she went "off the grid" as she called it for the entire weekend.

I hate to think of what may evolve when one or both of my sisters have dementia to go along with their personality disorders - and both of them are headed for it, one with early signs and a history of alcoholism, and the other has Parkinson's. No one calls S's heavy drinking alcoholism, but three of four drinks on a normal day, more for special occasions, keeping wine stashed at work, leaving an event with no alcohol to run to her studio and grab a drink and driving back...most people don't drink like that-I sure don't. And when D sent me all those icky messages, well it was at a time that I know she would be having a glass of wine...or two...or more. We had an interesting conversation when I was back east to bury my father's ashes. They were talking about getting a buzz from alcohol. S said something, I said I get a buzz from a small amount of anything, and D said that she didn't get a buzz until she had had so much to drink that she was definitely going to get a hangover. I was startled and looked and her and said, "Oh, you have a high alcohol tolerance." She looked rather startled and we dropped it. My dad was definitely an alcoholic, but he stopped towards the end of his life because it no longer made him feel good...

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Both of my sisters have alcoholic tendencies, but one realized it years ago and quit cold turkey, no AA, just knew and stopped, amazingly.  However she is the same one with COPD and dementia and she refuses to attempt to quit smoking even though she's been offered the patches.  The other one used to drink wine every evening to relax her, and it did seem to help her, she was also on SSRIs which I don't think you're supposed to drink with, but she went off it (she should have doubled it) and quit drinking (she's diabetic) and now we are all paying for it.  While it's nice she doesn't think she needs help with her EXTREME anxiety (and ill responses), we are all paying the price for it.

It's interesting the three older sisters have all had alcohol problems (one had drug problems too), but us younger three have not.  The older three smoked, the younger three do not.  The older three have a different father from us younger three, but our father was an alcoholic, so you'd think if anyone inherited these tendencies, it would have been us.  But the two fathers are brothers so maybe the genes are identical anyway.  

Families...they can sure be a challenge!

Laura, I know you realize you are not responsible for how your sisters treat you.  It does sound like you do better without them too close.  You have made a good life for yourself, you've done well for yourself, I guess you can only content yourself with what you have created and know you can't change what you were born into, none of us can.  We play the hand we're dealt, including sisters.  I'm fortunate that my sisters are supportive and we all love each other, but that doesn't mean it's not extremely challenging, particularly as they age.  They just don't see they need help.  I remember Marty's saying we can't change people or make them see they need help (a response to someone somewhere else) and it is so true.  But neither should we have to accept the fallout.  I learned in dealing with my mom, who on a scale of 1-100 with 100 being hard to deal with, she was probably in the 90s, that I had to mete out the time I could spend with her, eking out only what I felt I could handle at the time.  Fortunately it was easier to spend time with her when she was far gone with her dementia.  Usually I guess it goes the other way, but she became softer as much of her paranoia was forgotten or treated.

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19 minutes ago, kayc said:

Laura, I know you realize you are not responsible for how your sisters treat you.  It does sound like you do better without them too close.  You have made a good life for yourself, you've done well for yourself, I guess you can only content yourself with what you have created and know you can't change what you were born into, none of us can.  We play the hand we're dealt, including sisters.  I'm fortunate that my sisters are supportive and we all love each other, but that doesn't mean it's not extremely challenging, particularly as they age.  They just don't see they need help.

Thanks, Kay. That's true. I came to the conclusion that my entire family was crazy and moved across the country to get away from all of them when I was 23. As it turned out, my father was the least crazy part of it and it was a wonderful thing that I was able to spend the last ten years of his life not only with him but far from the rest of the craziness.

You are so right about the not seeing they need help part. Personality disorders differ from other psychological disorders in several related ways that come together in their being hard to treat. People with personality disorders think the rest of the world has a problem - not them - and so they don't seek treatment of any kind and meds don't work anyway. They are not made miserable by their problem as much as the people surrounding them are made miserable by their behaviors, and this is nowhere else as true as with borderline and narcissistic personality disorders. Being so far away has kept me fairly free of their sticky icky webs, but handling my father's estate has necessitated dealing with them. 

I am being paid to deal with them just like I have been paid to deal with clients with personality issues. But with clients, I have always been very good at leaving their problems at work. This is different. Dealing with people with these issues always gives me with a feeling that I have dipped my hands into some goopy stuff with the consistency of raw eggs and no matter how hard I try I can't get it off - I just get more stuck. I even get this feeling when listening to someone talk about someone I don't even know who has these issues. I get away from it as soon as I can, but with my sisters the feeling lingers... 

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It's true...my mom had many personality disorders, and the ones most driven nuts* by it were those around her, mainly us.  Her church found her a particular challenge and I'd have to saint them all for putting up with her all those years, seriously.  We all knew something was terribly wrong with her and found it very challenging to deal with her.  Still, I love her.  I pray as she's in her next life she's made whole and well and when next I see her, I meet her as the person she was intended to be, not the one with so many problems.  You're right, she didn't see that SHE had problems, it was all of us, the rest of the world that was all wrong.  I learned it's not about right or wrong, it's in how to handle her and the situation, and it's very much like walking on eggshells and yes, getting your hands in a gooey mess.
 

*I know technically she couldn't "drive us nuts", it's us who allow her to affects us, etc., HOWEVER, it sure FELT like it!

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But for now, I am working hard at being successful at my new job. There is sure a lot to do there! Lots of kids with lots of problems. I have my dad's picture there with me in my office smiling as a young man next to my printer. It helps me to cheerfully go about getting things done. 

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  • 4 weeks later...

Today is the five-year-anniversary of "Lena Adoption Day", the day I adopted Lena. I sure love that cat! I don't know how I would ever make it without her-so glad I don't have to. I had a dream a couple of weeks ago that I was was wading through a flooded street in Houston with Lena in my arms. It was getting dark and the water was about waist high. Every now and then I would stumble or something and she would suddenly be out of my arms and in the water swimming. I'd see her black little form in the water and scoop her out and back into my arms. Every time I would get her back in my arms she would be fluffy dry and warm again. It happened over and over again. When I woke up it occurred to me that this dream is kind of like my work in the schools. Things seem a little edgy, then it feels totally out of control, and then everything is ok again. Over and over and over until summer vacation. 

Last week was the Picking in the Pines Bluegrass festival; I camped in the woods with people I have known through been camping together up there for the last ten years. It was a little difficult doing all the tasks of packing, setting up, taking down, and unpacking at home with "Trigger thumb" - like I have only a hand-and-a-half. But lots of people helped me and it was great to see everybody. I have a great kitchen that I set up in a screen house. Here are two photos of Bob (the tuna boat/Mercury), Mister Cello, the screen house, and my tent. I have been really loving driving my daddy's car...

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I recognize your Mr. Cello, love it!  And your car...mine was black with privacy tinting in the windows, loved it, everyone thought it was a Mafia car or police car, they always pulled over when I went by.  :)  Glad you had a good weekend!

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14 hours ago, kayc said:

I recognize your Mr. Cello, love it!  And your car...mine was black with privacy tinting in the windows, loved it, everyone thought it was a Mafia car or police car, they always pulled over when I went by.  :)  Glad you had a good weekend!

It's funny - several people have told me I should tint the windows. I'm not planning on it, because the aftermarket stuff seems to peel off in AZ, but I think what you mentioned was what they had in mind...

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We had ours professionally done, it really did look nice on the car, especially since it was black.

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On September 19, 2017 at 7:39 AM, kayc said:

We had ours professionally done, it really did look nice on the car, especially since it was black.

I bet it looked pretty cool...

It is Erev Rosh Hashanah and it seems extra sad to be alone. But maybe it's not so bad. My neighbor made me brownies for a sweet new year (and she isn't even Jewish - she just knows that I am...), and of course I have my new job, which is a blessing in spite of the ups and downs. Nevertheless, I miss my dad. Even though he wasn't Jewish - I am a convert - these occasions were warmer spent with him, and they feel colder and lonelier without him.

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That's how I felt spending Christmas alone last year.  I'm sorry you have no one with you.

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Christmas is just a placeholder marking the end of the calendar year. My joy for the season left on Feb. 16, 2015. Now  it is a perfunctory holiday that I have to take off from work.<_<

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On September 21, 2017 at 5:26 AM, kayc said:

That's how I felt spending Christmas alone last year.  I'm sorry you have no one with you.

Thanks. Sometimes spending these occasions alone...well it's kind of like the holiday just doesn't happen and there is just a void there instead. I cannot even remember Christmas last year. I have no idea. I know that I set up the Christmas tree that used to be my dad's because it is still here in my living room and there still things under it that even though opened they never left the spot. It doesn't really seem to matter. Nevertheless, I am grateful to be sharing my home with a sweet cat and happy to come home to her from the job that I am also very grateful to have.

Work keeps me very busy and I am relieved to have health insurance and the other benefits. I feel I am in kind of a holding pattern. I miss my dad every day, especially when there are problems or stress at work. I could always count on him to be on my side. There is a person at my job who has borderline personality disorder and that has been difficult. She makes up stuff about me that has the intent to make me look bad to my new boss, but she is so impulsive she doesn't even take the time to come up with a reasonable story so it is pretty easy to dismantle her stories and accusations. That makes me queasy, but then after defending myself, even with calm and tact, I wonder if it looks like I would appear to be wasting time even addressing ridiculous accusations. Nevertheless I seem to be getting through things ok. I have worried about telling my boss things he might not want to hear, but I figure he is paying me to think...if I see a problem and I just keep my mouth shut, that doesn't seem right. So if I notice a problem I let him know and then I drop it. If he wants to take it on, he has the information, and if he wants to ignore it or make some other decision, that is on him because he's ultimately responsible. Maybe I worry too much...

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7 hours ago, Clematis said:

Sometimes spending these occasions alone...well it's kind of like the holiday just doesn't happen and there is just a void there instead.

Exactly!  Very well put, that's exactly how I felt, especially knowing everyone else was enjoying their day.  I hear friends talking about having widows over for dinner, yet never once have they thought of me.  Is it because I'm younger (65)?  I still get lonely, you don't have to be 90 to need someone that cares.

7 hours ago, Clematis said:

I am relieved to have health insurance and the other benefits.

I'm glad for you, especially since our country's health care system seems to be so tenuous right now.
 

 

7 hours ago, Clematis said:

She makes up stuff about me that has the intent to make me look bad to my new boss, but she is so impulsive she doesn't even take the time to come up with a reasonable story so it is pretty easy to dismantle her stories and accusations. That makes me queasy, but then after defending myself, even with calm and tact, I wonder if it looks like I would appear to be wasting time even addressing ridiculous accusations.

Perhaps you could ask your boss how they prefer you to handle it?  Maybe if your boss assured you they're onto her, you could just let things go.  As long as they agree not to attribute anything to what she says...if allegations ever do arise, you could defend yourself.  I know such people are very uncomfortable to be around, I worked with someone like that for give l-o-n-g years, it was the boss' sister.  He wouldn't let her go because he was afraid she'd commit suicide.  She quit her prozac abrumptly and her disorder went off the charts!

You are handling things the way I always did...I'd tell my boss once, and then let it go.  If he chose to act on it, it was up to him, but I'm not a nag.  Unfortunately, one of my bosses I warned against putting all his eggs in one basket...he didn't listen.  Four years later it cost him his business and his FINALLY choosing to act on it was much too late, there wasn't enough time left to turn things around.  But he learned a great deal from it and I know if he ever goes in business again, he won't repeat that mistake.

It does sound like you have a fulfilling job.  Last night I dreamed about working, it felt so invigorating!  It's four years since I retired, and I must say I kind of miss being a part of a thriving company but those days are over for me, and on the other hand, I do like not having the pressure to be somewhere so early in the day every day.

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Thanks, Kay - I appreciate your feedback that I'm on the right track. The other psychologist told me that she thinks the boss wants to look good by having hired Becca as a behavioral consultant. The boss is a skilled and very experienced administrator with a LOT of experience. I doubt any of this is getting by him, but it's hard to not worry when Becca is fabricating things on the fly at every turn to make me look bad and make it appear that she is doing all that she should. Of course the problem really is that she does not share her shoddy and incomplete work with me, even though he has made it clear that I am to be in the loop on everything she is doing. We had a meeting on Wed, when Becca stated that I had been in the loop on everything since the start and I had a printed page with a chain of emails that made it clear that very late in the game she had pulled me in, but with no real information, and her work on the side had totally derailed the major track the school was on with this student. I got it back on track, and her piece of work would be useful as a part of my evaluation process but she is not sharing it.

The most astonishing thing about that meeting is that Becca actually said that they were not paying her enough to talk to me on the phone or explain things in email, after the boss clearly explained that we were to be in close communication. Yesterday morning first thing I wrote Becca an email with a cc to the boss, detailing the inaccuracies and omissions from the meeting the day before. I haven't heard from him, but I saw Becca later yesterday afternoon at a meeting and she seemed cheerful and happy to see me. She had not read the email. This meeting was with the principal at one of the schools where they are having a really serious classroom problem with an older teacher. It's a special-needs classroom that has a handful of kids who have really really severe behavioral problems. The teacher is old-school and kind of rigid, but loving and dedicated. Also totally overwhelmed. She also is an amazing woman with an incredible background, but she is in way over her head with this particular combination of kids and has been in the hospital with injuries from one of them. It seems like a train heading for a cliff and they are having Becca do a little work there.

I didn't get what Becca was proposing or how it was at all relevant, but after a few minutes I understood what she was after, but she was proposing a gradual plan that would allow her in little bits of time here and there to "layer in" her approach over time. I thought that seemed crazy - someone could be seriously hurt in the meanwhile and there could be multiple lawsuits! So I proposed that that what they really needed was WAY MORE Becca! Let her get in there and really spend a significant amount of time to get in this classroom and work with the teacher and the aides...give her the time and all the tools to do what she needs to do. I commented that whatever they paid her would be peanuts compared to the lawsuit(s) that could be in the near future if they don't make major and immediate changes. (They are paying her at the rate of a substitute teacher). They went for it. Becca was happy because she's getting more work and the latitude to apply her skills, the principal seemed relieved to have a solid plan and not little flimsy bits, and the other people at the meeting were onboard. So either Becca will pull it off and be able to show what she can do if really given the chance, or she'll fail in a big way. If she fails, it's not my fault - I merely suggested that they really use the tool they have - Becca. If she is successful she may feel more secure and less like attacking me (maybe not), the school may avert disaster, and my boss and the principal will look good for having gotten Becca the expert in there to salvage a dangerous situation. Meanwhile, Becca will be really busy and I can focus on the rest of my job. I have plenty to do without spending all this time protecting myself from Becca! Cross your fingers for me - I'm off to the wars again!

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It sounds like a complicated and delicate situation...makes me glad I'm retired...sort of.  I don't get paid for my work as a volunteer but am very much steeped in my interactions with people.  It's not the job that's ever hard...it's the dealing with people that is challenging, imo.

Sending her emails with cc to boss sounds like the good way to go, it documents and keeps a record of your exchanges with her.  Unfortunately much is lost on her if she isn't reading them.  Must be frustrating!

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16 hours ago, kayc said:

It sounds like a complicated and delicate situation...makes me glad I'm retired...sort of.  I don't get paid for my work as a volunteer but am very much steeped in my interactions with people.  It's not the job that's ever hard...it's the dealing with people that is challenging, imo.

Sending her emails with cc to boss sounds like the good way to go, it documents and keeps a record of your exchanges with her.  Unfortunately much is lost on her if she isn't reading them.  Must be frustrating!

I think you're right. It's also very time consuming, and I have so much real work to do!

 

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I think I've become a clockaholic. I know there are a lot of people who go have a drink when they feel stressed or upset or sad or like celebrating or whatever. I seem to have developed an urge to go to a thrift shop and rescue an abandoned clock and take it home. However, unlike the drink, they are still there the next day. There is something soothing in all of the little tick-tocking around the house and my office. It's a kind of soothing and I think it has helped me sleep better...like pink noise. I also think it's a grief phase, for me anyway. Is that crazy? It's just too much quiet to have silence, the radio is too much when I am really tired because I really want to have no new information, and tv totally makes me crazy. So having a few dozen clocks all over the house seems just right. Most all of them are quartz clocks and not inherently very loud individually, but all together it's a definite effect. I don't know why but it seems like the thing I need. In ceramics class I am making ceramic clock bodies to put mechanisms in...

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Right now I WISH I had quiet...instead of the sound of water pouring in from my roof leaking, it started last night.  :angry2:

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2 hours ago, kayc said:

Right now I WISH I had quiet...instead of the sound of water pouring in from my roof leaking, it started last night.  :angry2:

Dang - that's terrible! Water noises are wonderful when they are NOT the result of the roof leaking or some natural disaster...

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  • 4 months later...

It's been more than two years now since my dad died. I still miss him every day. I went through Thanksgiving and Christmas without speaking to either of my sisters (there was a little gift exchange and a little talk with my older sister, but no conversations on the actual holidays). I used to try so hard to feel some sense of family with them around the holidays and was devastated at the last of reciprocation every holiday. This year I didn't call them and they didn't call me on Thanksgiving or Christmas. It was a relief to not hope for something I could never get. 

My job remains rather brutal. I had forgotten about how petty and nasty the back-biting can be immersed in a school district. Why can't we just help the kids, follow the law, work together, and try to act like grownups on the same team? Contract work was less secure, and there was a lot more driving. Also, there was no health insurance and no contribution to the retirement plan. Nevertheless, it's start to seem more appealing. I really miss my dad's support and level head as I told him about the trials and tribulations of this icky reality that is my work life.

Nevertheless, I keep trudging along through things. The main spring on my dad's Omega pocket watch broke - the watch that was his father's and a gift to my father when he graduated from college. I had it repaired, along with this other watch that belonged to my father's maternal grandfather. It also had a mainspring problem, but I have fixed it as well and it has the sweetest ticktock I ever heard. It is 101 years old this year. I wear one or the other every day, as if it were a shield against the evils of the world. I also feel that all four of these men, my dad, both grandfathers, and my father's maternal grandfather, are looking out for me, like guardian angels. I sure need them. Life seems very difficult. Nothing is wrong in any catastrophic or unusual way. I am just tired. And I miss my dad every day...

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Work has been trying...we had a very bad start to the school year because we were short several special education teachers - like almost all of them - and the ones we had were almost entirely brand new. The SpEd director had the SpEd coordinator working as his assistant on some legal matters rather than setting up the meetings, which is a huge part of her job. It took the two of them quite some time to decide this was a problem and delegate the task of setting meetings to the brand new teachers and the two of us school psychs. We jumped right on it, once given the go-ahead, but we were starting the semester's work six weeks into the school year. This predictably caused a logjam of getting the evaluations done, but they were all done on time and correctly. Nevertheless, there was some stress to everyone about it not all going optimally and smoothly.

So now I am on a "Performance Improvement Plan". This is in some part because of the way the work was crammed together (not my fault) and part of it was telling me that I should "not demean" people at work. When my supervisor presented me with this, I asked him over and over about demeaning people. He said he had never seen anything like this from me but it came from the principal of this one school and was about the SpEd staff. The SpEd director and I are meeting weekly (twice now) to discuss my improvement. I showed up at the second meeting with a color timeline on a spreadsheet that showed every evaluation I had done, along with the dates of beginning, end, and when I did the testing. It is clear from the timelines that the late start had a devastating impact on the entire semester, and there was actually only one case when the testing was actually cone late. I also persuaded him that rather than him "surveying" every person I worked with to see if I had communicated with them after every meeting that I simply bring him my files - the folders for every evaluation I am working on - to my meetings with him. Each file has printed copies of emails and my notes about phone conversations with parents etc. But I keep worrying over this "demeaning" comment. He says I am perseverating about it, but I find it outlandish that he has put something so vague and condemning on a PIP without a single example.

But now I think I have figured out what is going on. One of the new SpEd teachers there complains about me constantly - to the principal, asst. principal, SpEd director, SpEd coordinator, the other SpEd teacher, and probably all of the gen ed teachers as well. She complained to the principal after her first meeting with me (a MET meeting) that I was rigid and controlling and he came down to talk to me about it. Essentially, she had tried to take over my MET meeting and run things in another direction. She runs the IEP meetings and I run the MET meeting; this was her first MET meeting. He made a comment about Cindy being a "bull in the china shop", and in her defense said that she had run her own business for 30+ years and was press much used to being the boss and the one who knew everything. He said it was very hard for her to be a new person in a new field. I was well aware of this and through the beginning of the year I had worked hard to help her and all of the other new SpEd teachers to learn the ropes, since the people in the district office were too busy to do it. When she tried to reroute my meeting, I simply said, "We'll get to that". We had many conversations near the beginning of the year that began with my starting to say something to her, Cindy guessing what I was about to say, and jumping in with some argument against this thing she had made up. Then I would have to backtrack, point out that I actually was saying something entirely different. I found this frustrating, and she apparently was furious at being told she was wrong (about her trying to mind read me). She has also had a pattern of showing increasing levels of tension and building anger that eventually erupt in an openly aggressive rage at me. Which I have glossed over and just focused on trying to get my work done.

Things are better now, partly because I seldom speak to her unless I have to (email everything), and partly because now that she has been in her job for 6 months she has some idea of what she is doing and doesn't make so many mistakes. (And she has a job that generally takes people about three years to really figure out). I had a conversation with Cindy once in which I said that I would really like things to be better between us and she agreed, "sure..." I followed this up with saying I would really like to find a way to work things out between the two of us and she said, "No!" I asked her why not and she said "Well, it's always going to end up like this." I asked her what she meant and she said basically that we were always going to have different points of view. So if she thought I might disagree with her and she might be wrong, she didn't even want to even talk to me about it. And this is actually what she has done...she tattles, reports me, gossips, and so on - anything but talk to me directly. And I am thinking that she feels so fragile inside that the prospect of being wrong, of seen as possibly inadequate in some way is intolerable to her and feels degrading, humiliating, and demeaning. This is the essence of narcissistic injury and narcissistic rage. And what am I supposed to do about this? Any ideas? 

 

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Laura,

It's good to hear from you again, I've missed you, and of course, pictures of Lena!  I'm glad you were able to get your dad's watch fixed.  I just lost my watch repairman to retirement, he was old school and I find it's getting difficult to find someone who does a good job of working on watches.  The last time I had a battery put into my Omega, they wrecked it.  I had to send it back to them to fix and when they put it together, there was dirt in the face that hadn't been there.  :angry2: I live with it, I didn't want to be without it any longer, but every time I look at it, it is a reminder of their haphazard job.  I miss my old watch repair! 

I remember your speaking of this woman/situation before, and I'm sorry it continues still.  It seems like these kinds of things continue to haunt so long as you're at that job with that person.  It makes me glad I am retired!  I don't blame you for being tired of this going on and on and no resolution in sight.  Plain and simple, we can't control other people, only our responses, so we have to make the best of the situation, as you have done by emailing her rather than trying to talk to her face to face, and the extreme level of documentation you have had to do to cover your butt.  Exhausting, isn't it!  But unfortunately, it seems to be necessary.  I think you've done about everything you could, so other than switch jobs, in which there's no guarantee there wouldn't be another person like her, I don't know what you can do.  I know this makes you miss your dad all the more as you used to be able to talk things over with him and get a fresh perspective.  Alas, that is the way with grief.  I so miss getting to talk things over with my George.

I live in a small town, and with all of my volunteer work spend a lot of time with evangelicals that voted differently than I did.  More importantly, they hold different views.  They turn a blind eye to the things that bother me.  I'm not saying either political field has the answer, they both could use improvement.  Nor do I claim to have all the answers, I don't.  But I cannot ever support this regime with everything I have seen and heard, it makes me literally sick to my stomach.  I can only hope and pray for new fresh people to enter in.  But the point I am getting at is I have to live and work with these people.  They don't seem to have the ability to listen with a fresh perspective, and I have tried keeping my mouth shut, but they throw daggers in every chance they get about MY views, so merely keeping quiet doesn't seem to work.  It's hard not to enter in.  But I know it's a losing proposition, it does no good to engage with them, even when baited.  Being the kind of person that I have been all my life, it's hard to not speak up, but most of the time I try not to.  I'm talking 90% of the town here!  Ugh!  My sister says I live in the wrong town, I should move to Portland.  But I am not a city girl, I am a country girl, I like getting up early, going to bed early, I love nature, trees, wildlife, I'm not much on honking horns, traffic, concrete, and crime.  

I guess we all settle for the down side of our choices, it seems there is no perfection, not in a job, not in where we live.  We can only choose between the set of choices presented to us and everything carries with it pros and cons.  If you find a job that's perfect, grab it!  I don't know what you can do that you haven't given great thought to and tried.  You're a thoughtful person that carefully weighs every side of something, that's something I like about you, I am the same way, analytical, I try not to be judgmental and to realize everyone has their own perspective.  But sometimes something jumps out and hits us in the head and we cannot ignore it.  But maybe that is what we're being called to do?  I don't know.  When we are deciding between our SET of choices, we pick what is most best right for us.  Perhaps being an independent contractor, although THAT set of choices carries with it a long commute and no benefits, perhaps it would be more peaceful for you.  Only you can decide which way carries the best SET of choices for you.  I emphasize SET because we are not just choosing the thing we want but all of the pros and cons that it carries with it.  I would talk this over with your supervisor before deciding finally though, perhaps they will not want to lose you so they will finally do something about HER...although I wouldn't hold my breath on it.  I've been around too long to have a Pollyanna view about things.

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