My father's ashes

[kayc]

It's good that you have contacts and know how to get contract work.  When I was young the resume got you the job, that and the references.  As I got older it was NETWORKING that got you the job, and that I wasn't good at...I just wanted to get a job and do it, I hate all this politicking.  (I didn't realize that was a real word until I looked it up!)  SO glad to be retired and out of it!  Never have a problem getting a volunteer job! 

I'm glad you had your dad there for you when you went through it before.  I do remember the recession, it hit just as I was getting "older" and man was that hard!  So glad to have those days behind me.

You're going to be okay.  You have a good head on your shoulders, you just have to hang in there long enough until you can retire, you're coming in on the home stretch!  And like you said, at least the economy is better now!

[Clematis]

It's been pretty stressful at work lately, and to complicate things further, the teachers are about to strike in AZ and the schools are closing for at least one day. I have TONS of work to do and I have this other rats nest that makes me feel like my head is going to explode. 

At one of my schools there is a student who has one of the most horrible abuse histories I have ever heard of and understandably she has severe behavior problems at school. We met at the end of January to get permission to assess her and the principal wanted to do an FBA (Functional Behavior Assessment), which is a clunky awkward process to figure out why a student is "acting up" in the classroom. I proposed that we do IQ and academic testing because ti sounded like she probably had such an extreme variance in her abilities that she was even more anxious (this is common in gifted people with severe deficits (I was right). I also suggested that since we already knew why she was acting up in class, that we do a clinical assessment, mostly by interview, whereby I would talk to her foster mother, therapist, teacher, etc. to see what I could discover. Her DCS worker (and legal guardian with the state) agreed with me, stating that an FBA was really meant for severe autism, conduct disorder, etc., and was really inappropriate for this girl. When we had the second meeting - to talk about the results- someone canceled the meeting, but no one would tell me by whom or why. It took me weeks to figure it out and get the meeting with all its participants re-set. 

But the principal isn't happy. Apparently, no one was paying attention at the first meeting, when the team decision was to NOT do the FBA. She insists we have to do it anyway, and even though she was the one leading the "monkey in the middle" or keep-away game a month ago when the meeting was supposed to occur, she is angry with me because this is nor her biggest priority (and she messed it up). So she goes to the SpEd director Michael, the guy who worked so hard to separate me from my job, and he tells her that I absolutely WILL do the FBA, even though I told both of them there was no time and I could not do it. His latest is to respond to her that an FBA is part of the social/emotional assessment that we got permission for and therefore I had to do it. I called the SpEd dept at the Department of Education and they told me that I was right and they are wrong. We have to get a separate consent signed for an FBA, which starts a new evaluation process, for which there is not enough time before the end of the school year. And I am way too busy anyway to take this on.

So Michael is determined determined to force me to do this FBA, which is redundant (we already have the information we would get), inappropriate, impossible, and illegal. And he keeps assuring the principal that I am going to do it, while I keep telling both of them that I am not. And this poor girl and her foster mother are caught in the middle all this. It really blows me away. The principal told me over and over that FOUR people at the meeting thought we got permission, while it was only me that was saying that we didn't get consent. Me and my little piece of signed paperwork. Four people...don't they teach critical thinking to teachers? How many people were there who thought the world was flat or that no one would ever fly in an airplane. (More than four). 

[Clematis]

My coworker's reaction to all this...I almost fell out of my chair laughing!

 

[kayc]

Deep breath...start a countdown calendar...how many days left until you're done with that place!

[Clematis]

2 minutes ago, kayc said:

Deep breath...start a countdown calendar...how many days left until you're done with that place!

Thanks! I have SO much real work to do - evaluating kids who really need the evaluations. I need to focus on them and not let Michael drive me crazy or distract me in his effort to win this battle - to force me to do something impossible and inappropriate. I have already evaluated this girl and redoing the evaluation in an inappropriate way that the team rejected in the first place is counterproductive. He is using the ignorance of the principal to get her to align with him. The whole situation makes me feel like my head is going to explode and it is very distracting. I am trying to get as much real work done as possible before I leave and don't want to be thrown off of that. It feels like he is trying to force me to my knees and submit to his will and it has nothing to do with helping the kids. I am trying to keep my head down and avoid him, but I feel like there is a huge psychic force being leveled at me from him and it's hard to ignore.

[kayc]

I would imagine that the rest of the administration that has seen how he has treated you are a little more bowed and cowed to him also in fear of their own jobs and to keep peace also...

Very tough, hang in there, stick to what you know is right, what you've been trained to do!

[Clematis]

14 hours ago, kayc said:

Very tough, hang in there, stick to what you know is right, what you've been trained to do!

It has been just horrible. It seems like much of the staff has their sights set on my head and I am found to be the blame for everything imaginable. There is so much incompetence, and everyone is also very stressed by the end of the year, an upcoming strike and the unknown of the near future schedule - or lack thereof, and everything else that has gone wrong. I went to a meeting this afternoon at the elementary school and the principal I wrote about earlier just glared at me. On top of it there were other problems. The Gen Ed teacher was disgruntled because she hadn't been properly notified, the OT hadn't gotten the message at all about the meeting and we were barely able to get her there at the last meeting, and the SpEd teacher/service coordinator Edna was particularly upset that she hadn't been notified properly about the meeting. I just kept apologizing that everyone didn't have more notice. After I went home it occurred to me that Edna is the SERVICE COORDINATOR and she was really the person who was supposed to be coordinating all of this, making sure that the related service providers were notified, and working closely with the Gen Ed teacher and myself. But Edna has taken to doing less and less, while I have helped her and covered for her. And whose fault is it that she did absolutely nothing on this one? Well, it is my fault, naturally. And everyone is so used to Edna doing nothing they don't look to her but to me. When I thought about it, I realized that I have totally forgotten what it is like to work with a real special ed teacher who really knows what they are doing to the degree that they could work effectively in a team with a school psychologist.

Then, after that meeting I went to a meeting at the middle school and the people were so nice to me I was dumbfounded. The principal was very sweet, the SpEd teacher was helpful, people participated with enthusiasm, no one was glaring or withholding or playing stupid games or anything else. There were some rough spots, but everyone worked together to get things done. It makes such a difference to go to a meeting where people are working together for the common goal of helping the student - rather than working together to trick/trap the school psychologist. After the meeting two of the participants made a point of saying what a nice job I did at the meeting - and at the meeting before that as well. It was amazing!

•  

[iPraiseHim]

Laura, you just need to chose to plow forward and do your  best job anyway.  There are forces against us that are beyond our control and life is extremely tough sometimes.  I usually find that when I'm going through such battles that I'm called to pray for the people that are attacking me.  It is not a natural reflex because I prefer to defend myself.  Yet it is amazing to discover what God will do with the situation.. When all else fails just stand your ground, humbly, with meekness (restrained strength) and trust that God will work it all out for your ultimate good and God's glory. 

I had a kind nurse friend who battled similar persecution from her boss. When she shared with me her story and anguish, she thought I was nuts when I suggested this process to her.  But after thoughts and prayers, she did apply the same principles.  Eventually the hostile work environment was resolved and she found out later there was some intense trauma going on in her boss's life that contributed to the situation.  Most of us are not aware of the trauma, grief, and challenges in other peoples lives.  "Hurting people hurt people".  Praying...  (((HUGS))) - Shalom

[kayc]

1 hour ago, iPraiseHim said:

"Hurting people hurt people".

Dr. Phil just said that yesterday, and it's true.  I think a lot of the people you're working with, Laura, are scared...scared for their jobs.  I'm sorry you're getting the fallout.  

[Clematis]

22 minutes ago, kayc said:

I think a lot of the people you're working with, Laura, are scared...scared for their jobs.  I'm sorry you're getting the fallout. 

I think you're right. It makes sense that a principal would figure that the SpEd director should be an expert on the law and if there was a difference of opinion between him and a school psychologist, one might figure that he was right and go with that rather than believing the school psychologist who is leaving anyway. It may have been unnerving for her to run into this situation where she sided with him in trying to make me do something that is redundant (and therefore unnecessary) as well as do it by an illegal path. I am unable to do this thing for them given my load, but given the redundancy and legal questions, she chose the wrong person to side with. Sorry - that is not my fault. But she almost had her position eliminated and is probably feeling rather shaky...

[Clematis]

I have been going through the interview process with a company that does online evaluations and therapy. I have done two preliminary phone interviews, a "tech check" to see if my computer and internet service will work with their system, and a writing assignment. Today I had my "clinical interview" by video, and I think I knocked it out of the park. Near the end I told the interviewer that I was hoping to be able to tell my former professor and one of the authors of the test kits I use most frequently that I was going to be involved with this company. They are the only company that is authorized to administer these tests online and I would be thrilled to be able to tell her this. The interviewer responded, "Oh you will - you will be able to tell her that", and added that the only thing left was to look at my writing. I think they'll be happy when they see my writing.

When it was my turn to ask questions, I asked the interviewer what they were looking for in a candidate and she essentially described me! They want people who are experienced, seasoned professionals and mature people. They also need people to be comfortable with high tech operations and to be flexible - to be able to go into a variety of settings with schools that may really be struggling, and just do the work we are there to do. She also had a couple of other comments that really sum up how I approach evaluations. She also was really pleased that I am an LCSW as well as a school psychologist, and willing to get credentialed in other states. She told me that the fact that I was able to do counseling would stabilize my income; the psychological evaluations are somewhat sporadic, but the counseling is more steady, since it is ongoing. It was very exciting, and the best part about it was that she seemed to think she had hit the jackpot in finding me. After having been treated like something to be thrown out with the garbage, that felt really nice.

[kayc]

Go get 'em, Laura! 

 

[MartyT]

"Everything turns out all right in the end. If it's not all right, it's not the end."

[Clematis]

On 4/28/2018 at 5:21 AM, kayc said:

Go get 'em, Laura! 

 

Thanks Kay and Marty! I think things are going to be ok. I passed my clinical interview and the review of paperwork and just need to provide them with references and sign a contract. We have an appointment to talk this morning, and it will be a good opportunity to ask questions. I am very excited about this opportunity but since it is very different than anything I have ever done, there are a lot of unknowns. 

 

[kayc]

Let us know how it goes, I have complete confidence in your abilities, anything is better than this last year!

[Clematis]

22 hours ago, kayc said:

Let us know how it goes, I have complete confidence in your abilities, anything is better than this last year!

That is sure the truth, and the year is ending in the same way it has gone all along - sweating bullets. I have been trying to complete an evaluation for a girl, but it seems to have turned into a game of "monkey-in-the-middle"/keepaway. The SpEd director (who should not even be involved) was very engaged in stirring the pot, working with the principal to get me to start this evaluation over, until I pointed out that his plan was illegal. Meanwhile the principal has been busy working with the teachers -and probably the parent - in some back-biting recreation of what actually happened. Sounds like monkey-in-the-middle, huh? And the SpEd director tells me that I have not been a team player in all this. I think if he engages the team in playing monkey-in-the-middle, with me as the monkey, it is impossible for me to lead the team because he has organized the team to play against me.

We started with a meeting on Jan 30 for this girl, and legally were to have completed the process with a second meeting within 60 days. The parent cancelled the meeting on March 29 and no one told me what happened or who canceled. It took me weeks to figure it out. Since then the parent does not return my calls as I try to re-set the meeting. There was an alleged 30-day extension (which never was obtained or signed as it turns out). Now it is seriously out-of-compliance late, and the SpEd director is getting nervous. He figures the parent will sign everything and we should just backdate it all. The SpEd coordinator tried to help fix this by setting up a meeting on April 30 and giving me a 30-day extension to have the parent sign (backdated), but the teachers were on a walkout and there was no school. Now, the coordinator is out of town for a week and we 90+ days out on a 60 day process and the parent won't talk to me about setting up a meeting; she sent me a text saying I should email her with any questions or information.

Meanwhile I have a huge load of other evaluations I am desperately trying to complete before the end of the school year and this is starting to look unrealistic. All the energy I have used on this one has taken time away from the others... Ultimately, the person who will suffer the consequences of all this is the SpEd director, because the district gets dinged for every evaluation that is not completed within 60 days. The law is written in such a way that the kids shouldn't suffer because ultimately the grownups will have to get it together or they will have legal consequences. 

As for me, I suppose I should stop sweating bullets because I have been kept from doing my job, and just do what I can reasonably do. If some of these evaluations that I have tried so desperately to complete are incomplete at the end of the year when my contract is complete, the district will be in a pickle. They then could contract with me to complete the work (probably paperwork at that point - that would be hard for someone else to do) after the end of the school year if they desired to complete the processes. Or not... I suppose ultimately this is Michael the SpEd director's bearing the consequences of his own monkey-business. Why am I sweating bullets?

[kayc]

You answered your own question.  I don't see how you can be expected to complete something within 60 days if the parent cancels at the last minute!

[Clematis]

On 5/3/2018 at 4:28 AM, kayc said:

I don't see how you can be expected to complete something within 60 days if the parent cancels at the last minute!

We finally got through that one. Michael the SpEd director - the guy who mercifully separated me from my job - is trying to stir the pot and trip me up any way he can. I got through the situation above...it all worked out in spite of Michale's interference. I have generally found that if you act in the best interest of the child, you are doing what the parent wants and the teachers think is best it will all work out. Michael is trying every way he can think of to trip me up during the time I have left, in spite of the reality that I am really busting a gut doing my absolute best to serve the district, help the kids, and complete my obligations during the remainder of my contract.

Mercifully, he is leaving the country on vacation for two-and-ai-half weeks. He'll be gone from Monday May 7 until Wed May 23. I have off work every Wednesday from now on, and my last day is May 25. 

Time to start counting the days, I think. Pretty soon I will be able to count them on my hands. Twelve days left!!! Yay!!!

[Clematis]

I've really been thinking about my dad a lot lately...maybe it's because of leaving my job and things feeling so uncertain.  I sure miss him. I keep thinking about all the little things that he used to do, things he said all throughout my life, things he did and what it felt like being around him. Sometimes it feels like I am back at the beginning again and I'm not sure why. Partly due to the uncertainty and changes and partly due to my friend Greg being in Texas with his dad, who seems unlikely to recover from his slow decline. I don't know...

I remember a few weeks after he died having a dream that he walked in the door and wanted to know why I was giving away his stuff and what would he do without it. Since he died I recovered from a car accident, combined our household stuffs into my small condo, got a new job and held onto in for a year. I set up my condo with mostly his furniture, in a mirror image of his condo when he was here. Sometimes late at night I feel like I am in his condo and he could appear as in the dream. Sometimes I feel like everything is gone. Sometimes it feels like nothing really matters at all..

[kayc]

I think all of your feelings are normal under the circumstances.  Feeling everything is gone and nothing really matters...sounds like grief to me.  It's something we fight.  In the daytime I do pretty well most of the time, but at night it's hard to shut my brain off and that's when everything looks worse.  I remind myself at the time that things look better in the morning.  I realize a lot of people newer to grief don't even have daytime respite.  It's taken me a long long time to build a life I can live, to have a schedule, somewhere to go, people to be with, purpose.  To be alone with myself and enjoy solitude like I used to years ago.  Keep up with your music, your painting, and most of all, Lena and your friends.  Nothing takes the place of your dad but it all helps with the void created when we lost our loved one.

[Clematis]

5 hours ago, kayc said:

I think all of your feelings are normal under the circumstances.  Feeling everything is gone and nothing really matters...sounds like grief to me.

You are probably right. It seems like it should be better by now, but I lost my dad and my best friend and my link with my family history and a lot more. My safety net is gone and also that cozy feeling of having someone who was always on my side... Last night my neighbor told me that she might be moving to Reno to live near family and it just seemed like too much. We have become very close and I would really be alone without her. Today she told me that she was having a really bad night and she really does want to stay here... 

[Clematis]

I played the cello at a contra dance in Flagstaff tonight, driving up there in back in my dad's '93 Mercury Grand Prix. The dance was good...the best part was playing "Pig Ankle Rag". My dad's father loved ragtime music and as of late I have heard him coaching me on how to play rhythm for a rag. I am there playing the cello, and he played ragtime music on that banjo that my sister threatened to disown me over, but there he is in my ear urging me where to accent the rhythm. Pretty cool. Driving home from the dance I felt all verklempt in the car, remembering when he coordinated his move out west. He unloaded tons of stuff onto my sisters and sent along a stuffed moving van with the Mercury IN the van, while he flew across the country and worked during on the flight on a term paper for a class we were taking together online. I just wish I could start those ten years over. Looking back it seems so short. It was the best decade of my life. I knew that at the time, but it is even more clear now. He used to tell me things like, "Oh I bet you never knew what a burden I would be when you asked me to move out west..." I always told him that he was never a burden and it was the best thing I ever did in my life. It really was. But now I am so lost. More lost than I was before that decade. I don't get it.

[kayc]

Caregivers often feel this way when the person they love is gone.  I went through those feelings when I lost my MIL, she was the mother I'd always wanted AND my best friend, and I took care of her the last three years of her life when she was bedridden with cancer.  Suddenly I had no purpose, felt empty, that person I always talked to and shared in life with was gone, nothing to fill it.  Verklempt...I had to look that one up!

No they aren't burdens, it was one of the most special times in my life too, hard to put into words.  

Yesterday I was feeling a bit like you must be feeling.  My best friend moved away three years ago, I miss her so much.  We had the Treeplanting Parade yesterday which is big for this town and I had no one to go with, it seems everyone has family/friends but I'm so alone.  I decided not to go, tired of doing everything alone, instead I took Arlie out on the trails at Greenwaters Park, it's absolutely gorgeous.  I could see even he was enthralled.  I should take him down there once a week when the weather is good. 

I'm sorry you'll be missing your friend.  It's so hard to adjust to these, life's curveballs.

[Clematis]

15 hours ago, kayc said:

I took Arlie out on the trails at Greenwaters Park, it's absolutely gorgeous.  I could see even he was enthralled.  I should take him down there once a week when the weather is good. 

That's good, Kay. Glad to hear you had a nice time with Arlie. I appreciate this message you sent, and your ongoing support - it means a lot to me. Verklempt is a great word, huh? It says so much, but doesn't exactly fill in all the gaps. I am going through the motions without feeling the purpose most of the time. It seems like there is a possibility that I might feel really feel motivated some day and I am trying to keep my wheels on the track in case that happens. I feel motivated about little things, and get engaged in my work or this or that endeavor - it's just not part of a big picture...

[kayc]

Usually Arlie doesn't look up unless he hears a bird or squirrel up in a tree, most of the time he's focused on the ground, but a couple of times when we were on the trails, he stopped and looked up (there was no sound) and just savored the beauty, like he was enthralled with it.  Then he gave me a kiss as if to tell me he appreciated me bringing him there.  He really is a sweet boy and so smart, I've never had a dog like him.  I'm talking one of the most beautiful places in the world (to me)!

I have to remind myself all of the time to stay in the moment, to enjoy what is, it makes a huge difference to me.  I can't wait until you have time to start painting again, it seems to bring an inner release to you, a beauty of it's own.